Personality Analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Sun Apr 11 15:57:36 2004


Your Existing Situation

Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these
qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and
enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.
--> i generally seek for something new and exciting.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still
important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest.
As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that
will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of
being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly
enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her
nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at
peace when she has finally reached her goal.
--> i really have a great passion for life and i deem it significant that it must not be wasted.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and
difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to
achieve satisfaction from sexual activity. Circumstances are restrictive
and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time
being.
--> making sacrificies was never easy an easy task. but that's what i have to do in the situation i am right now...


Your Desired Objective

Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she
can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.
--> all of us want to feel that we belong.


Your Actual Problem

Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free
herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the
things she wants.
--> peace of mind. peaceful and stress free life. that's all i want.


~~~
The preceding results were generated last week. I tried taking the quiz again today. I just want to find out if anything has changed. Well, everything has, except for my "stress sources". And I really think that this quiz is almost 100% reliable. Below are the results when I took the quiz the 2nd time. My comments are again inline...
~~~


Personality Analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Mon Apr 19 05:16:13 2004.


Your Existing Situation

Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation.
Wants to feel exhilarated.
--> yup yup. i participate in things that stimulate me. even if it's work related. just like the recently concluded qbr! hehe.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still
important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest.
As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that
will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of
being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly
enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her
nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at
peace when she has finally reached her goal.
--> i've always believed that i am a goal oriented being.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither
properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being
compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of
emotional involvement. Circumstances force her to compromise and to
forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical
satisfaction from sexual activity.
--> all of these statements just hit the spot, baby! CONFORM!!! which i absolutely abhor! i hate having to sacrifice my personal freedom.


Your Desired Objective

Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will
permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new
and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.
--> definitely true. i am at a point where i'm making a major decision that will affect me both adversely and favorably. is that stressful enough?


Your Actual Problem

The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants
leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of
illusory or meaningless activities.
--> simply put, don't mess with me. *wink*



"I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it."

i know that in the eyes of the majority, i am a pernicious person.

i am far from being an angel. i know. but someone who would play God and take matters into his own hands is even more unforgiving. i can probably criticize once in a while, but if i have to, i do it constructively and i do it only to the people who ask for it.

no, i am not like you. you, who treat people like trash and categorize them into "biodegradable", "non-biodegrable" and "recyclable". only, you have a more interesting classification...the "lovely, the sullen, and the selfish".

you have placed me in the last group. oh, and did you care to consider if your conclusion was indeed just and correct? as i've stated once, we should be judging people not by the standards we keep, but by the standards they themselves hold.

the root of misjudging is when we judge solely with our eyes, and not with our ears. could you have at least talked to me and listened to what i had to say, you would've probably gained a wiser and more mature insight to all this.

i used to hate people like me. people who are hated by the society because their actions are against the norms. but the tables have turned the moment i was put in their situation. being so gave me a deeper perspective on what they are going through.

i am hurting. badly. and there is absolutely not a thing or a person who can take away the pain. i would have to deal with it -- all by myself. i appreciate all the support i'm getting from the people who care -- who genuinely care -- about me; but the fact still remains...i am broken. and i'm not even gonna try to pick up the pieces and glue them together.

i feel like a prisoner who wasn't given a chance to defend himself in court. but, just like this prisoner, i am not about to give up.
i am not one to simply accept misapprehensions about me.

i am every inch a fighter.


"the battle's almost won...we're only 7 miles from the sun".

gotta fight gotta strike
'cause there's no turning away
from what you don't want to know
gotta see gotta be
if they're all going astray
don't let them take you in tow

you're a one-man shift in the weather
you're the woman who just won't sell
climbing up and ringing the bell

ooh you're gonna make your mark this time
ooh you're gonna set your hope on fire

gotta leave gotta bleed
you've gotta stop lying still
'cause this is no kind of life
you don't need guarantees
you just want something to build
before you turn to the knife

when the streets are aflood like a fever
it's a holiday of the new
we're coming closer now to the truth

gotta move gotta choose
you've got a difference to make
don't watch it happen again
gotta change rearrange
something's bending to break
it's just a matter of when



Hope on Fire
Vienna Teng

anesthetized


maybe it's true...

that time doesn't heal wounds...it just makes you get used to it.

but i was surprised at how soon it could make me get used to it. just this morning i broke down into tears...in front of my best friend. i admitted to her a weakness in me...something that she knew all along even without me saying it. this evening, i have confirmed something i've been wondering about for days now..something probably petty for some. but to me, it should have made me shed a tear or two.

i didn't. i didn't even feel that usual pang in my heart. i dont exaclty know why. i only think that maybe, i'm getting used to it...

...getting used to the melancholic side of my situation. simply put, i'm getting used to the pain.


now i dont know if that's a good or a bad thing.

embracing the moment


"the only permanent thing in this world is change".

true.

there's another important thing i keep learning: "tomorrow is never promised". you can never ever be certain of what's gonna happen. you can only imagine...hope...desire. i try to live each day one at a time. but there's this part of me wanting to get a glimpse of the next chapter, or at least a page of it.

one friend of mine who's very observative once told me that i am blessed to have the gift of thought of regarding the past, present and future. i envision the possibilities of events in the future while reasonably wallowing in the past, and yet never losing track of the present. he said that not many people can find time to think about all three. some may drown in the past, others may be paralyzed by the thought of tomorrow. still others, remain stuck to the super glue of the present.

right now, i choose to get stuck in the present. only because it makes me happy. at least i could say that "i am happy", even for just a day.

i am living in the moment. immensely. i savor each day because i know that i won't be able to embrace it forever. i've actually stopped believing in the meaning of forever for most things.

i temporarily want to stop acting on or making plans for the future -- only because this time, in this one aspect of my life, there is one single factor that i am in no control of. and it is also because of this that i am not able to do anything. i just take things as they come.

i am hanging on. and maybe this is a risk -- getting into something you know which is ambiguous. that's the irony of it -- you are certain that this matter is UNCERTAIN.

whatever tomorrow will bring, i will always be thankful of the events that happened TODAY.


This line from a movie aptly describes what i'm feeling now:

"When you crash into something beautiful, you hold on to it until it's time to let go..."

"...and now is not the time."

-- Under the Tuscan Sun

maybe the reason why you become so miserable at times is because you can't take life "as it is". you get so frustrated over the things that you have absolutely no control of. you worry so much even if you are fully aware that you've done everything you could to disentangle a knot in your life. if you honestly believe that you've exhausted all our resources and know for a fact that there could still be a flaw, why not just give up? accept whatever inevitable that will occur -- and reward youself with a good night's sleep.

it's the same thing as accepting the people you love for "what they are". you don't question why they're stubborn or absurd or impatient or moody. you just take them in your life and love them just the same. so do yourself a favor and stop questioning some of life's undeviating events -- no matter how horrible they may be.

you'll survive anyway...and so will the rest of the world.

now you can say "that's life!" -- and be convinced of that.

starved soul


it's not only that i'm getting sick of my job. there's something more. i really can't complain, everything about my job is manageable. but it has become so routinary. i am finding less and less reasons to get out of bed to get ready for work. i practically drag myself to go to the office.

i always knew that i would eventually take up further education -- an M.A. and probably a PhD too. i figured that i wouldn't apply until 2005 or so. but 2 weeks ago, i have decided -- almost abruptly -- to FINALLY start my M.A. Studies this June. and i am convinced that the reason for my hasty decision is my constant quest to challenge myself. if i can't find enough challenge inside the office, i have to find it elsewhere. i will lose my over all zest for life if i am generally bored.

i filed my resignation on that very same day that i decided to pursue my M.A. Studies. my parents thought it best that i stay away from graveyard shift work while studying. but when i think of the financial independence that i'm about to give up once i become a full time student...uh-oh..im having second thoughts. i am not the same young daughter who is waiting for her allowance. and i guess i have been given a sign (a clear answer is more like it) in this new decision -- my father said something that almost literally made me hear that "ting ting ting" in my ear. i don't want to burden my family in terms of money. i want to be of help. i don't want any unnecessary confrontations in the future.

my manager was nice enough to tell me that there'd be no problem if i change my mind about my leaving. i felt flattered -- but not entirely convinced to reconsider staying. i told her that i will decide until tomorrow. i'm giving this more thought especially after she told me today that Q.A. dept. was asking her if i was still interested in the position i applied for.

i know better. my thirst for knowledge could not be the answer to what's bothering me -- that nagging feeling that there's a certain void inside me that i don't know what could fill. i am a starved sould. i could do all things, get all things -- sometimes even more than i deserve -- and yet i'd still feel deprived. so deprived. and lonely.

Twin and i were discussing about this loss of interest and motivation in our work...and these feelings were what broke my "writer's block" (if i had any writer's character to begin with). she walked over to my desk, and when she got the chance to sit on my chair..she typed the following on this blog draft im working on:


I'm bored....
I'm tired..
I wanna resign
I wanna go to the beach..I wanna travel..
I wanna get laid...
I wanna be happy...

bow


hehe..now that made me smile...and it made me feel normal. im not alone.

blunders


people are accustomed to making mistakes; to be at fault once in a while -- or for some -- every now and then in their lives. as a human, i am aware that i will always be imperfect and i will always make mistakes --- but i try not to make them twice. we all learn from every blunder. they become pointers in the journey we take.

we are often too keen on making judgments on people who commit mistakes without having to look on ourselves first. i learned from my friend that our general notion of judgment is based on a self-centered ideal. that shouldn’t be the case. each of us is unique. we should be judging people not by the standards we keep, but by the standards they themselves hold.

we will forever be hurting each other unless we learn to look not into ourselves but outwards to each other. to reach out before we throw. i realized that, it is not me who is constantly smiling and trying to make people smile. i understood perfectly that it is the humanity in me. and i am merely an extension of that humanity.

the shortest distance between hope and despair is a simple "thank you Lord!"

it's a shame that i only become more prayerful when i am most sad. hopeless. miserable.

i remember one of my grade school teachers telling us that when you have a toothache, it's God's way of reminding you that He loves you, that it's His way of making His presence felt. He knows that you'd call on Him when you are in pain. and that's what happened today. there are actually moments when i try to deal with my problems (or mere loneliness) by myself -- forgetting to talk to Him. i can't believe that it even happens.

today, i recalled how it felt to lift everything to Him. and i did just that. i've never been so relieved. not to mention happy. i even thought that i wasn't really lonely -- that i just lost touch with Him for a while. i was spiritually thirsty.

days would seem brighter if i keep in mind that i am doing everything through Him, with him and for Him.

thank you Lord. =)

is it too late to write about valentine's day?


i never thought i'd have quite profound thoughts on the occasion. for the past coupla years, i have dreaded V day. i haven't experienced spending this day with a boyfriend because there was only one February in my life that i had a bf. and at that time, i remember having a quarrel with him a few days before feb. 14. and when V day came, we were both not in the mood to celebrate.

this year, V day's eve was spent at the office. yep, i was on shift! but it was probably the best friday the 13th i have encountered. i've never witnessed a much celebrated V day at work. we had a valentine fair. the photo shoots alone were an amusing episode. i felt ashamed that i didn't participate that much in the preparations for this event. i am part of the socials committee and lately i haven't been socializing, so to speak. i haven't been cooperative. i want to blame the workload for this, but i should look into my attitude. =/ i'm gonna start being good again.

2 days before valentine, Twin and i were discussing how we miss the feeling of receiving flowers. guys will never understand how special it is for a girl to get a bouquet of flowers. even just a single stem is equally special. whether or not there is an occasion. a girl will also never appreciate flowers until she gets a bunch, or a stem.

i thought feb. 14 this year would be the same -- that it would end ordinarily after the usual whistlestop drinking session; that i'd go home with just the new CD (five for fighting) and the jason mraz concert tickets we bought. but things really do happen when you least expect them. i received red roses from this guy. it was special because: 1) it was off-tangent to his personality to give flowers, 2) we were not supposed to see each other that day, 3) he made an effort to make the giving a surprise, and 4) it was valentine's day after all.

so there...my valentine's day ended on a sweet note.


i was never a fan of V day. but i guess that's about to change now...

i realized that celebrating love is wonderful, no matter how corny it could be :)


here are some pics from the macromedia valentine fair:



rts team (everyone's favorite! best in costume na to!)



email team



cs gen team



the tl's



twin and i wasting some shots. hehe.



some of the committee peeps with majay



posing with pao and jouie

I'm still in no mood to write. So I'm just gonna post this...



1. I wish... I were happy right now

2. I don't know what to do if... hmmm...I have yet to be in a situation wherein God wouldn't help me what to do. I'm not being righteous, but I believe it's true.

3. Do you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend? name.... none (promise wala :P)

4. If u could change your name, to what would u change it to? Bianca Louise, Denise, Parish Noelle

5. I miss...the feeling of being pampered and extremely loved.

6. If you get stranded on an island and you could only
bring 5 people for company, who would it be? And why? my family. 5 na sila. no explanation necessary.

7. I love...life. even if it sucks sometimes

8. The person/s I would NEVER forget...Cy, RG, Weh

9. If I could do one thing all over again...nah, I woouln't change anything.

10. I'd rather... be happy than famous.

in a rut


every minute, i am finding more reasons to be all alone. i delight every moment of it. and never have i looked forward to coming home straight from work. today, i spent 11 hours in my bed sleeping. sarap!

i haven't heard so many bad news all at the same time. life can be cruel. and although i believe that there will be better days ahead, i can't help but feel glum..and this feeling will drag on for a while.

i feel unwanted, unappreciated, abandoned, unimportant.

life, especially my work, is becoming a routine. a boring, dry and unchallenging routine. i need a long paid vacation. i want to be extracted from the busy life of the city. even the most sociable person needs solitary time. i love my friends and i appreciate their company. but i just want to be by my myself, for now.

me, myself and i. that's all i've got.


i want to be invisible.

luminous sky



i had a vision. you tried to conceal your true insights. i may have held your hand or seen the shadow you desperatey tried to fight. you wandered off and followed the feather. the wind blew it fast. you didn't catch it in your hands.

think of the good intentions you had before you blame yourself. every man is a man of need. and even if you were covered in delicate blanket, you can still emerge unprepared and vulnerable.

no one expected the fall. no one expected the great lengths. no one expected the promptness. they all promised you the dance of life. complete with all the glitters. they still made you get down...

we were all innocent. your utmost needs may have gone unforgiven, but you still kept an open mind, an open heart, a free spirit.

i had a vision. a man with a marked distinction. a man who offered an enormous amount of love.

a man of need. a pure soul.

not exactly empty handed



the key is to walk out the door with conviction, like you have somewhere really important to go. keep your head up, because you are larger than life. it is moments like this when you really have to look straight ahead, never back. stay focused. go fast. and never, ever pause to converse, because they might induce you to stay.

i am not weak after all. i can be firm and i still manage to be resilient at any given situation -- or at least i try to.

some people mistake me, they only see what they wanna see; they only hear what they wanna hear. that phase is over now.

and you...if you could't agree with me, i apologize. i just can't keep pretending. i'm packing my bags 'cause i don't wanna be the only one who's drowning in their misery. please understand that i took that chance 'cause I just wanna breathe. it's so much better to embrace the truth than to live a lie.

and i won't look back and wonder how it's supposed to be...


i almost stumbled, but God kept the path lit on the only road i know.

i wish i were numb


and so i did it. i did the right thing.

it took me a while, however, to convince myself that i was doing this for me...and not for the people around me. somehow, i'm still having doubts.

i'm telling you, what i did was far from being easy. it was one of the most difficult decisions i had to make. once again i have felt how it is to sacrifice your own happiness. and i am certain that no matter how you say that you shouldn't care about what other people think or say about you, you can't help but be distracted...and consequently, become affected. i don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, because at some point you lose your own sense of shrewdness when you're drowning in their voices.

i never had the chance to tell them what i really felt in all those times i was caught in that storm. i don't think they realized that the seemingly harmless teasing they engaged in went overboard. it's simply sickening.

i just wish they can already put an end to this...the same way that i have.

an empty cage that has no key



have you ever felt like all people are against you? yes, even your friends -- especially your friends.

today i spent a few hours at the mall. all by myself. i desperately wanted to talk to someone, or to at least have somebody there to hold my hand. but i didn't know who to call. or maybe i did...but i know all too well that it wasn't a good idea. i didn't need someone to lecture me at that time. i just wanted some company. i felt so alone. and it was lonely. ugly.

before i knew it, tears started to fall from my eyes.

is it hardnosed to say that they don't understand me? probably. but that's what i feel. why do people make a living out of making claims? they can spend hours chatting about you, but can't have the audacity to talk to you -- THE ONE WHO IS DISTURBED -- even for just a minute.


today, more than ever, i feel that my life's measures are not for them to evaluate.


don't say that you understand. because you don't. you simply DON'T. it's a big picture to grasp in that little stern head of yours.


i would rather feel to much than nothing at all. yes, even the pain will be all worth it in the end.

i've been playing this song for a week now. i just looooove it! so much! =)

Twin and I have been trying to get a copy of Sarah McLachlan's "Afterglow" album. we're having a hard time. :/ *sigh*




Fallen

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin out with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear.



weekend na! woohoo!! i'm looking forward to tomorrow's dinner with my college buds. i'm also gonna meet up with my colleagues after that to have a despedida gimmick for mother Len.

come sunday, i'm finally gonna be able to watch Return of the King. yey!

happy weekend everyone!

set off



what if all this time i've had it all wrong? i've been trying to hold on to so much and maybe i should just let go. let go of the the things i think i need, let go of the feelings i don't want to forget, let go of the memories i am afraid will disappear from my mind. let go, and make room for more.

there have been moments in my life when i've lost and felt that a part of me has died. i had to acknowledge such tragedies. what was experienced was learned, and what was learned would not be forgotten. i lived. that was enough.

i am still so young, and there is so much more to get/feel/learn/live. it's nice just to swim in the moment, sometimes, without worrying about what others think, without trying to record every detail, without planning the way it ends. i am going to try to do more of that. i just don't want to waste any more time.



* * * * * *


Reaching upward
I'm earthbound
Daydreamer wake me up
I'd welcome the interruption
I'm realizing that I am chronically spaced
Be quiet I just need to hear myself -- think
Loud and uncontrolled
Totally aware that I know
But not enough to pull back
And let things go
High-strung and high-waisted
If I whine it's not earnest
I'm just unloading some weight
Maybe I should stop praying for a miracle
and savor every morsel that I've been served
It's all up to me

walking on egg shells



second time around.


it's happening again. i am the main menu of people's breakfast/lunch/dinner. they savor every bite. they enjoy even the tiniest crumbs -- even if it's tasteless and crap.


i have experienced this before. the only difference this time is, the people involved right now are people who are dear to me. people i actually care about. and that....simply hurts.


i know what they see appears to be wrong. ok ok, i know that there is some truth to that. but does talking behind my back help? what do they really know about what's happening??? ONLY I know about that.


some of them have brazen out this issue with me upfront. that's fine. and i'd rather that they question me directly than discuss it with other people who make conclusions purely based on whatever story they fancy.


love is crazy. i am convinced of that. and i perfectly understand the genuine concern they have for me. i have been given sound advice of the situation that i'm getting into. i prolly know all the right things to do...but i don't understand why something so wrong feels so right.


call me stupid. hollow. erroneous. label me with all kinds of harsh words. i'll take everything. perhaps i deserve to be called such things. but i also know that i deserve to be happy. only, my happiness this time is being judged.


i don't owe the world an explanation. i just wish that they'd somehow, even just for a moment, put themselves in my shoes.

and it does wonders if you sometimes think outside of the box.


if anything, i am grateful that i have true friends who care about me. these are the people who never fall short of becoming the epitome of what true friendship is.


in all honesty, i'd like to follow every piece of advice they give me.



...it just ain't easy...

Time, where did you go? Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don't go so fast
I'm missing the moments as they pass
Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time


I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
I should've known better
I shouldn't have wasted those days


Now this is my time
I'm going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn't have wasted those days)
I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
I've looked in the mirror
My world's getting clearer
So wait for me this time


Time
Chantal Kreviazuk

biting wit



what do every human being seek for?

love.

we all want to be loved. but it all depends on our own perception on how we should be loved. i can get lonely when i'm alone and i start feeling that im not special. but hey, i've got my friends. they love me unconditionally.

so why do we still seek for that romantic kind of love? is it really essential?

love is a chance, but it's also a choice.

we must follow our hearts, but mind over heart has to be practiced too.

we give the perfect advice to our friends, but we can't follow our own.

we say that we don't care what other people say, but deep inside we still want to please them.

we are humans and we have the highest level of thinking, but we can get stupid.

we know how to untangle a knotty situation, but can't seem to do it.

we know we're gonna get hurt if we go a certain path, but still opt to take that risk.



there are just so many ironies in life...

** author's note: the entry below is something i wanted to write at the end of 2003. but i just never got around to writing it. here it is now... :) **


halfway through 50


come december time, most people tend to recollect events that happened during that year. i am one of those people. and this habit is something i am usually bent on taking seriously. not only do i reflect because the year has just ended, but also because i celebrate my birthday during the same month. mine becomes a "double recollection" so to speak.

i have just turned 25 -- i am halfway through 50. one friend asked me "halfway through 50? you talk like you're only gonna live til 50!"


well, i guess so. i keep telling my close friends that i don't want to live a loooong life. so hitting 50 would be like a milestone for me. if i'm already halfway there, that means i must have achieved at least a fraction of my goals. but sometimes i feel like i haven't even begun. i have goals to achieve when i hit 30, 40 and 50. i am 5 years shy from my first target and i haven't had enough guts to go out of my comfort zone. i have always admired people who have survived living on their own. perfect example would be my best friend Pornz. she's been through a lot. and she has managed to turn those trials into triumphs. i look up to her. i hold her with such high regard. ** love you bes :) **

i don't want to belittle myself. i know i have done some remarkable things. but i also know that i should have done better at most occasions.

it's never too late though. just realizing that i have to better myself is already a step forward. that's a good sign. right? right. (",)

i wish that this year would really bring more fortunes to everyone. despite the hardships, i know we will get through.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!


may all your dreams come closer to coming true.

all the best!

mwah!

keeping the balance


there's this fine line between waiting and acting, and i am standing on it right now.

and i want to know it all, already. answers. meanings. purposes. truths.
but i know, i know. patience is a virtue. i want to be virtuous, i want to be wise, i want to laugh in the face of the world that says everything must happen faster than the carpool lane and the cable modem. i do.

it's a balance, isn't it. knowing when to say now and when to say later, when to say this isn't enough and this is just fine. it's something i haven't quite yet figured out, so i just stand here, very still, hoping i don't lose my balance and fall.

what i'm feeling right now...expressed through these lines...



in too deep

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep

So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me

It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life Just caring bout somebody else


::::::


"I believe there is a place where the restless souls wander. Burdened by the weight of their own sadness, they cannot enter heaven.... And so they wait, trapped between our world and the next, endlessly searching for a way to rid themselves of their pain- in the hope that somehow, someday they will be reunited with the ones they love. If two people really love each other, nothing can keep them apart."


::::::

"I don't understand a God who would allow us to meet and not let us be together."


::::::

Love is bitter, yet it is the bread that keeps us.
Over and over it fills us up, only to starve us.


::::::

I fight the misery that entangles my soul
Struggling to render it innocuous


::::::

This pain lingers in my heart, mind and soul
Damn it - why is this world so cold

what are you supposed to do when your feelings are unrequited? you move on. you don't want to stop talking or calling or caring, but you have to. it's all you can do to hold it together. each time you touch -- physically or emotionally -- it just hurts.

but what happens when you miss the person, anyway? you feel weak and defeated, but the only strength you ever had came from the very person who turned you away. all your hope, you spilled into this person, this relationship, this future, and now you must take it back. which is hard because you, like, would rather not deal with it at all.

it was my first time to spend my birthday outside the Philippines (even if it was just HK). it felt wonderful. and i had the best travel companions too. :)

i can't put into words how happy i was (or still am)...so am gonna stop typing now. hehe...


basta we had a blast.

christmas party of the year


Macromedia Christmas Party
Atchie's Bar, Orient Square
13 December 2003


i would've called it party of the year, but with macromedia, every party is always a success! we work hard, we party hard!

here are some pictures:




twin and jarjar



goofing around



socials committee girls



happy party people



vodka cruiser blueberry lips



chow time



yosi time

and my week just had to start this way...


what's equally painful as getting dumped?

it's getting accepted for the position that you've almost been dreaming of; assuring you that your transfer to their department won't be a problem; discussing with you your job responsibilities; giving you remarkable feedback from the whole committee; receiving a confirmation from the HR person that will arrange your transfer. only to find out in the end that....they can't afford your services. darn.

is this the downside of being a part of the highly respected and most elite account in our company? your transfer to another account or department would mean risking your decent salary.

i'm almost tempted to say that..."it's ok, i don't mind if you pay me less than what i'm earning now. i just want to do what i love. i want to be able put my teaching/training skills to good use". but no, i'm not that stupid. in this age, no matter how much we deny it, money is a big factor to consider in our lives. it's not that i'm being materialistic, i'm just being practical. and i know that i should get paid what i work for. monetary isssues will forever be a part of us.

and i thought i'd have a verrry exciting and challenging year ahead of me. hah! i thought wrong.

i am hoping that something good will happen to me before this year ends -- just to make up for this frustration. God, if this is your plan...i'd accept it. if there is indeed a reason for everything, help me see it.

the convenience of text messaging


there are some things easier said thru texting than talking face to face.

i don't feel like writing the story behind the text correspondence below. i just want to post it at my blog...i know that after i delete these messages from my phone, somehow i'd like to recall what we "discussed". so im saving it here. these messages are enough for me to recollect what happened on that day -- 11 december 2003.


kenzo: it's obvious dat u dnt wnt me 2 knw wat d problem s. it felt stupid to b n d car. sna wla nlang ako pra nkapagusap kyo ni G. wanted to get out of the d car bt ddnt want 2 be rude.

me: eh kse po...nagseselos ako kanina kay J.P.

kenzo: nde kme aileen. J.P. knws dat i cnt commit kse masyadong magulo buhay ko. kla ko b may bf k n? i did not cmit 2 J.P. bcoz magulo nga. i did nt want u 2 be reeled in2 my stupidly confusing lyf. i do love & respect u too much 2 b stupid & include u in it. Nbody s included n my lyf aileen. m too fucking stupid & scared. dats y m alone. bt dat's nt enuf reason 4 me 2 wnt smone.

me: everybody's lyf s cmplicated. f u tke 4 grantd my feelings, it hurts me a lot. and i get jealous a lot about dem having u & ur cmpany. i hpe u undersnd my point. i nver wantd ds, bt nw m into ds. cn u help me out n establishing wer i stand?

kenzo: God i wish i ws my old self...d reason y m nt being serious with anything s bcoz i fail. i always do. i love u aileen bt i cant b der 4 anybody. i jst dnt want 2 hurt anyone anymore. f u only knw my life. m hurting nw dat i got u into ds. anothr reason 4 me 2 hate myself.



my last boyfriend broke up with me through text. that was 2 years ago. this time, another guy broke my heart through text. sometimes i wanna curse the wonders of technology...it doesn't really bring wonders to me.

i can bet that the next guy who's gonna break my heart would cowardly express it through -- you guessed it -- TEXT!

wow. how personal. how brave.

eh kung wag na kaya ko mag cellphone?!?!?!?!? linket na!

this is me...talking to you...yes you...



i tried my best to get over you
kept my distance so i wouldn't have to show
that the things which i kept hidden by my casual smile
were the things that i needed you to know
you could have seen the acting on the stage
you might have read the writing on the page
you could have noticed that a heart went breaking into two
but you never knew it was i falling for you

sometimes i still think i could get to you
then i laugh and think i could swim the seven seas
it seems when i'm set to fly there's a storm up in the sky
when i'm set to sail there isn't any breeze
you could have seen the acting on the stage
you might have read the writing on the page
you could have noticed that a heart went breaking into two
but you never knew it was i falling for you

it's been some time now that i saw you in a photograph
looking just the way you did so long ago
i could almost see you throw your head back and start to laugh
in that gentle way that used to let me know
things were okay and a hurting song is just a cliche
and what's the use if they only always fade away
just like the sun just like everyone but you


the untitled song
indigo girls

let's make a deal


You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?



Author's note: i made this poem for a dear friend of mine...who is terribly heart broken right now... i wish i could do more to help him heal. and i wish his partner could read this poem. i am as hurt as he is.

after a while


after a while you learn the faint difference between holding a hand and yielding a soul

and you learn that kisses aren't agreements and presents are not promises

and you learn that love doesn't mean propensity and company doesn't mean security

and you begin to accept your defeats with dignity, with the refinement of an adult, not the angst of an immature

and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

and you learn that you really can endure...


that you really are strong,

and you really do have worth.

i just wish...


sometimes...
i wish my mind weren't as deep and my heart weren't as huge. i wish my eyes were not as wide and my dreams were not as wonderful

sometimes...
i wish my thoughts weren't as vivid and my emotions weren't as strong. i wish my intentions were not as profound and my instincts were not as accurate

sometimes...
i wish my concern were not as genuine and my principles were not as significant

sometimes i wish reality can be truly escaped even for just a moment

sometimes i just wish i didn't fall in love with the world so easily

Mr. Right Kind of Wrong...


i can get disillusioned about this...i always meet the wrong boy at the right time. or i always meet the right boy at the wrong time. why won't the two right factors just come together?

i would have admirers (most of whom are the "wrong ones") who would try to please me...and they would somehow make me happy, albeit temporarily. and more often than not, that amusing feeling i get is only superficial.

and so the cycle goes on....and on...and on...

and by the time i meet him (whom we'd like to call the "right one"), he already knows so much about the world and love and life, and he's found "the one" with whom he decides to spend his waking hours.

and i am just this girl. this clever, passionate, loving girl who deserves more. far more than he can offer me.

no...don't tell me that "there is someone out there for you". whoever said that line probably referred "out there" as some place far...very faaaaaaaar...like the outer space.

aaaahh...this is just me being melodramatic.

what's more, they always say it like everyone knows what it is, like it's this object i can grab hold of anytime i pleased.



p.s.
yes, i'm still happy...very much happy today as yesterday...but i just had this moment to reflect on this subject.

pano si jarjar pag masaya...


when i said that "i write better when i'm melancholic", i meant it. really.

see? can you tell that i'm happy these days? yes. at least, for the last two days or so i have been. i am pleased with how this week is turning out to be. God has a way of making you bounce back. last weekend, to my -- and my friends' --frustration, not all of us made it to Alaminos. some old (old as in LOLO!) weirdo stole my dearest friend's overnight bag at the bus station. so there! only 3 (from the original 6) made it to the trip. the other half of the group decided to stay in manila. the latter group still had an equally great time. girl bonding! :)

i'm crossing my fingers...i really hope to get the position i applied for. humility aside, i know i did well in the interview and demo. if i get accepted, i'd be able to put my "explaining" skills to good use. right guys? hehe...


excited na ko sa party ni twin at lon this saturday! woohoo!!!

hmmm...

December na!!!! Yipee!


it's the month of Christmas...and it's also my birth month!

woohoo!!!! =D


i think the usual phase of having the "birthday blues" came early for me this year -- and it only happened for a very brief moment, sometime last week. and i'm surprised with myself that i'm ACTUALLY looking forward to celebrating both my birthday and Christmas. just seeing the bright lights in the streets already gives me that giddy holiday feeling.


grabe...i can't remember the last time that i had this kind of outlook about these 2 significant occasions. i guess it has something to do with the conscious effort on my part to exude the right attitude. i'm giving this season a different approach. happiness can really depend on our decisions..and not just the circumstances.


i just hope that everyone would share the same standpoint as i have right now. ang saya nung lahat kayo masaya sa Pasko dba. :)


wish you all a happy season of loving and sharing. *hugs*

the sun, the sand, the sea....that's where I'll be



Exactly a year ago today, my officemates and I packed our bags and went to Alaminos. It was Thanksgiving holiday and we took advantage of the long weekend.

We're reliving that adventure today! :) We're heading to Alamimos again! Woohooo!!!!

At some point I thought this trip wouldn't push through. It's still a long weekend, but not for everyone this time. Some of my collegues had to work the whole week. And some of them really had a hard time to fit this trip into their schedule.

I'm ecstatic that we're going out of town. This is a much needed break for me. I can't wait to see Hundred Islands again. I remember last year...the moment we saw the breathtaking view...we all suddenly became silent. We were in awe!

I've been through a lot these past coupla days. Unfortunate series of events. I'm really looking forward to this trip.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO MY FRIENDS IN THE US! :)


enjoy your weekend guys! i know i will....

a terrain of scattered thoughts...


and it gets tiring because we keep going in circles.

for the last 20 hours or so i've been questioning myself why i want to invest in something i doubt if i'll ever possess: you

every gesture you showed yesterday just left me perplexed.

how can you be so transparent and mysterious at the same time? geeze. when will this puzzle be completed? i'm crossing my fingers that i would endure this game we're playing. why the hell am i playing along to begin with?

i wish you didn't hold my hand that way...the warmth of your touch just runs through naturally. but had it happened otherwise, i know i'd be disappointed.

oh yeah, my mind is filled with lots of thoughts...uhm...let's see...you...you...and oh yes, you!
trashing the thoughts of you seems to be an incessant battle.

i feel like i've been caught in a storm that's tossing me around. i just let myself get whizzed by it.



***Author's note: Ugh. I didn't know how I'd start writing about this...this...whatever this helluva road I'm treading on! Something's just bugging me...***

no sad goodbyes...



cp: "jan 9 of 03 9pm... nagmeet tau pero I didn't say a word... i just gave u a letter with an instruction that u have to open it after my departure."

y: "what's in the letter?"



I may never get to wake you up, or watch you fall asleep,
or say our prayers together, That God, our souls would keep

I may never feel your soft warm touch, or hold you close at night,
or make you laugh at little jokes just to see your smile so bright.

I may never get a chance to see how majestic your love is, or
feel how sweet and lucky to be loved by you

But this one thing you can count on for sure and I pray that you
will forever hold it near, That this feelings of love that I felt inside are only for you



cp: "ayan at least wlang sad goodbyes"
y: "wow"
y: "this is one of those rare moments that im at a loss for words..."
y: "wow"



even up to this writing, i'm still speechless. i'm still overwhelmed.
thank you for being there for me.

you hold a special place in my heart. :)

the color of tranquility

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

that tingling sensation


In an online lifestyle forum, one of the members posted this question:

"Expert kissers, ano ba ang masarap na kiss?"

At first I didn't want to post a reply. I thought, "ano ba namang tanong yan. we all know what a good kiss is." But when I read some of the responses such as "a passionate kiss from the one you love", "basta with feelings", "a half french kiss" (though I'm not really sure what that last one is). Ayun. napa-reminisce nalang ako bigla.

When was the last time that I felt that kind of kiss? Kaya cge, maki-sagot na nga rin!

Here's what I posted:


masarap na kiss?

it's that kind of kiss that means something to you. a real kiss. a kiss that gives you that tingling sensation all over. *smiles*

i haven't felt a kiss in a long time. i've been kissed, but i haven't felt it. lips have touched mine, yes. but i haven't felt the touch that seeps into your lips and through your mouth and down your throat and floats, floats all the way in a spiral to your toes. no. i haven't felt a kiss in a long time.



Fine. Pathetic na kung pathetic. :P Natuwa lang ako kse kahit pla papano, I've experienced real meaningful kisses. The ones that make me smile when I think about it. Yep, I've also had my share of those kisses that felt nothing right after. At ayoko na yata silang maranasan pang ulet. Naks. :)

I came across this poem and it just hit a spot. I may not be able to relate to this right now...but I've been in the speaker's position more than once in my life.*sigh* looooove! :) I know some of you can relate to it too....



Once Again
Grace Brunelle


Once again I've found myself thinking about you
wondering how pathetic I'd sound, if you ever knew
Once again tears fall and linger streaming down my face
because I've been keeping this flame alive
with memories of past days
Once again I'm on my knees not knowing what to do
because this girl, yet so naive, is so in love with you
Once again I'm waiting to hear, anything from you
if this goes on much longer, i won't know what to do

all relationships are INTERaction


...i am one part...he is one part...and so on...


it really helps when i get to talk to close friends about what's bothering me. one of them reminded me that things are bound to be like this simply because we're family.

i can all try to compensate for whatever affection my brother misses from my dad... but in the end.. it's his perception of things that will make things right. i can only make him feel loved. he is the one who has to choose to accept it as genuine or see it as nothing.

yes, i worry about them. it's a general human emotion because i love them. but i realize that i should not let my life be dictated by the seemingly hopeless situation i am facing now.

i should stop worrying. keep my hopes up..and continue to smile.
if i cannot be happy within myself... how can i share the hope with them...?


and i quote my friend: "parang yosi yan nde mo pede i share yun sindi.. kung yun yosi mo mismo walang sindi..."

cream puff



today i had the chance of chatting with a very good friend of mine. ok, so he was more than a friend. take note -- WAS.

we went back to memory lane. and doing so put a smile on my face.

despite the distance, he has this amazing ability to convey his message in a way that it is almost felt. the words on the messenger just come to life.

i was surprised that up do this date, he can still make me feel special. i almost forgot that at one point in my life, someone has made me feel that way. in the latter months, i had my energies focused on the fact that i am alone, single and unattached...and i've since felt less special and wanted.

i must admit that during those days that he was still wooing me, there was something magical between us. there was that tingling sensation...or simply what we call "kilig". :)

last year, he came home to Manila for a vacation. i passed up the opportunity of spending time with him. i don't know what went wrong..or how it all started, but before i knew it, the captivating feeling started to drift away. it's like sand in your hands...you try to grab as much as you could, but they'd just sift through.

he went back the US. months have gone by. i thought i lost him for good, and that the friendship has died.

slowly, we started communicating again. and the warmth of our friendship is felt more than ever.

as good friends, we've become comfortable with each other again and we can talk about anything. no inhibitions whatsoever. and so today he asked me if he has ever made me feel special. i answered with a solid yes. i wish i could do more than simply tell that to him. and i'm secretly hoping that somehow, i have also made him feel equally special...or at least, a fraction of that sentiment.

sometimes i think maybe it's just good to let words lie.

then they can just be as they intended to be. there. floating. somewhere between you and me and our consciousnesses and a couple thousand miles.

it's okay. you don't have to tell me. i know.

i know the pain, the aching, the deep, dark desire. the apprehension and fear. the doubt and wondering. i know. i see it in you, like i've seen it in me. you feel alone, but you're not. you don't think you'll ever survive, but you will.

i know. you don't have to tell me. it's okay.

taut silhouette


i once told you that you have grown to be a very fine man.

i mean it.

you are a talented individual. you have one of the purest hearts i've ever known. i know that there have been moments when you have felt unwanted, unloved, and unappreciated. harsh words have been directed at you and more often than not, your credibility has been undermined.

ever since you were a kid, the Emperor has belittle you...and you did not fail to notice that. the ache has grown from a speck of dust to a mountain of mess that could have almost destroyed the inner you. you've been stabbed and the scar has always been noticeable.

the way people underestimate you is already a pitiful circumstance to begin with. but what pains me more is knowing that you see yourself the same way that others see you. why do you believe your worst assessments? you should know better than to listen to them. if there's one person who can evaluate yourself entirely, it's none other than you.

i want you to come out of your shell and realize how wonderful you are. i want you to realize your worth. i beg you to prove them wrong. i want you to mold your character according to what you were destined to be. most of all, i want you to open your heart and let love come in.

if you still regard me as your prophet as you once did, then consider my words.

don't let that tainted self run through. it's not yet too late...

enchanted weekend


usually, the best gimmicks are those that are planned on short notice.

and this is exactly what happened last sunday. text messages spread in the morning, notifying all people concerned that the day will be spent at enchanted kingdom theme park.

transportation was initially a major concern. but being the cowboys that we are, we didn't mind commuting. with Enigma's wits, we got an FX driver take us to EK. and so off to EK with an FX filled with 7 eager adults and loads of fun.

we rode all the major the rides except for 4D and Rio Grande coz the queue was endless. Oh, and i was supposed to join the gang ride the space shuttle but i suddenly felt dizzy. nope, i didn't chicken out. i was really up for it until i became i a lil lightheaded.

i just have to mention that the go kart experience was the best ride of all. by now, half of the MM team knows how i faired in the "race". hehe. they said that the speed of my driving in edsa is the exact opposite of my driving in the go kart event. kulang nalang daw eh mag wave ako sa bagal!! cruising nalang talga! feeling beauty queen ba ako nun? i prolly thought my body bag was my sash. hehe. ack! i'll stick to the real deal automobile.

this is one of those instances that would be better off described with pictures. ima wait for all the pics to be uploaded and try to post them here. in the meantime, you can view Twin's blog for the pictures. =)

the EK gimmick was definitely worth my PHP500...and more!! =)

we'll definitely go back to EK soon, and hopefully, next time there'll be more people to join us.

out cold


sometimes i feel too much and it overwhelms me, and i am paralyzed. stunned.

why does my depression can become like a woman's period? it turns into a monthly cycle. and like most everything else, this sentiment is something i can't perfectly describe. what i really want to say is stuck at the tip of my tongue, at the edge of my mind, right there, but i can't think of the right words.

i can't think of any words.

i just wish i could open the door to my insides and let you see for yourself.

clear blur

i am still learning. the moment i think i've got a pretty good handle
on things, i've figured a lot of it out, i'm in the clear, i realize i am
far from it and i was stupid to even think that way.

lesson number one: you have no clue.

remember those letters we used to write, about the meaning of life
and shit?

i thought i knew the meaning of life. it turned out i knew shit.


tomorrow i'll feel better...

suddenly i'm a bit melancholy right now. i miss the guy. it's not you. it's him.

i don't want to forget the wonderful feeling of talking to him. how i laugh so hard until i could not breathe. how my face brightens up and my insides melt and i am simply happy. the thrill i get with even the slightest touch of his fingers on my skin. the way our eyes lock and know exactly what we mean even without saying a word. the initial moment that we knew that there was something special going on between us. the kisses we shared that mean so much more than simply having two sets of lips interlocking. the way we wanted to cross the line (*wink*). how he teases me till i get cranky and he'll be sweet again. the satisfied feeling i get when i can see that he becomes jealous about someone. the way he almost promised me the moon and stars. the way i turned him down and closed my heart on the possibilities of what we could have. how i almost believed every word he said...and almost felt it.

how i nearly fell in love with him....

...and virtually enjoyed every moment of it.

THE LAST DAYS


if today were the last of all days
would it change how you feel, who you are
would you rise for a moment above all your fears
become one with the moon and the stars

would you like what you see looking down
did you give everything that you could
have you done everything that you wanted to do
is there still so much more that you owe

follow you dream to the end of the rainbow
way beyond one pot of gold
open your eyes to the colors around you
and find the true beauty life holds

would you live for the moment like when you were young
and time didn't travel so fast
be free in the present, enjoying the now
not tied to a future or past

you probably said all you wanted to say
but doesn't it strike you as strange
if we only begin to start living our lives
if today were the last of all of days

if today were the last of all days...

zoning out


as much as i want to consider my home a "home", sometimes i feel that i am somehow trapped. i find it odd that it is the office that i consider to be the oasis i can comfortably settle in. other people can't wait to get their ass off from work. would you believe that this seldom happens to me? mine is almost always the opposite. if mattresses were provided at work, i would have probably made a campsite 24/7.

i remember one time when i came to work on a weekend and it was my off. a friend jokingly said, "o bakit andto ka, nag away kayo ng nanay mo noh". i simply answered "yes"... and i bursted into tears. he apologized, "ay sorry. totoo plang nag away kayo". even if the office can become the most stressful place on earth, i still consider it my refuge. it's always been a escape for most of us here.

yes, i love my family. it's just that the noise at home can become unbearable; it just makes me want to shut everything out. and i'm not only referring to "real" noise. silent screams are far worse than audio noises. there is a friction between 2 members in my family. pride does get in the way. how do you even begin to teach someone how to apologize if he has a closed heart? i wish i could just say that i don't care whether or not they make peace. but it's not that simple. they are family, and i am as affected as the people directly involved.

more often that not, the idea of my moving out has been mentioned during conversations at home. i can list 100 reasons why moving out will be good for me. i raise these valid points to my mom. but she can also enlist 200 reasons more why it's better for me to stay at home. aight. i rest my case -- but only for now. there will come a time that i will move out...whether they like it or not. the distance can be beneficial. i believe that the more i'll be away from them, the more i'll miss them..and the more that i will value those moments that i'll be spending with them. they say that moving out means sacrificing a lot --- believe me, i'd be willing to trade my almost comfortable and perfect way of life just to have a solitary sanctuary. i can bear the loneliness and all that hard work. i can probably even bear living with a sloppy roommate. just give me a chance to experience a reclusive lifestyle once in a while.

under the weather


finally...i am able to access my blog. whew.

as much as i want to EXPLAIN things, i have to make this short and sweet. the graveyard zombie is still under the weather.

i went to the doctor yesterday. it's only a bad case of flu...for now. doctor said that once i find rashes on my skin, i could be infected with dengue. OMG!!!

i'll be back next week..with a healthier me..and a better blogsite to boot.

for now, visit our common blog. that's where the action is. *wink*

iba na ang sikat..sinasadya pa ang blog natin! akalain nyo! =)

yes, there's one thing i want which i can't have! *wink*


You are Envy!
Wow... what a dreamer. Always wanting what you
can't have, and always dreaming of having more
then you do. It's not the worst sin, and we're
all guilty of it - but you take it to the
extreme! You are prone to depression, often
from things you can't obtain. Be a bit more
positive, you have a lot that others want too -
so don't sit there being all green! On the
positive side, you tend to be a smart person -
and can often achieve the goals you set
yourself.
Congratulations on being the overall harmless, and
pretty normal one of the 7 deadly sins :)


?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Mood Analysis Test

--

Results for Test Taken Thursday, October 30, 2003

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

You enjoy taking part in anything that may constitute fun and excitement. You need to be stimulated and need to feel that 'Life is worth living' and you are awaiting that stimulation and you don't particularly care where it comes from!

You are a dreamer and you seek perfection in any relationship that you may establish. Some of your ideas and standards are over the top so it may be a good idea to review your perception of life and accept people for what they are - not for what you would like them to be.

It is said that we are all influenced by our environment and indeed you are no exception. It would seem at this time that even though you may be surrounded by people, you are experiencing an inner loneliness. Fortunately you are sufficiently strong minded to realise that life has a great deal to offer you and that you may miss your share of experiences if you fail to make the best use of every opportunity. You therefore pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity and are prepared to commit yourself deeply and readily. You believe that whatever you would like to do or think 'you can do' - you do! It is because of this attitude that you may be considered by others as arrogant and even conceited, but its fair to say that whatever it is that you really want out of life you will put your heart and soul into it and will not take 'NO' for an answer.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalize but you need to realize a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

lemme repeat the last word for this quiz result...HAHA!

narcissistic


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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i already know that...!


i have nothing against fortune telling or tarot card reading. and although i really don't want to be dependent on these life-forecasting practices, i gave it a shot. it was worth a try. you can say that i was just curious. well, curiosity didn't kill the cat, it made the kittens.


"we're not playing God here", the lady told me. i was calmed upon hearing those words from her. lest i become susceptible to her predictions, i can always remind myself that only God still knows what's bound to happen to me.

in a nutshell, i was told that i have a very great zeal for life. i put my heart into what i do and try to achieve all my goals --be it short term or long term goals. it comes to a point that i want to accomplish them all at the same time and i would need to slow down....slooooowww dowwwwn....ok ok...i think i still know how to do that. i pamper myself once in a while. i know when i need to destress myself from this chaotic world. she kept on saying that i am smart woman who makes smart decisions. hmmmm....true or not? hehe....

my favorite part was when she told me that it is not a remote possibility for me to work and travel at the same time. God knows how much i want to navigate the world! hehe. seriously, i'd be ecstatic to see different places but i would still like to come back to my beloved Philippines. the nationalistic side of me would still want to help her country grow.

when the opportunity came for me to ask 3 questions, the first thing i asked was about my career. "love life is really not your priority at this time, huh", the lady asked smiling. well, yeah...there is no love life to prioritize anyway. =P and i admit, i am so preoccuppied with putting my career into order. heck! the graveyard zombie is slowly maturing into a serious career woman!

despite my little interest in the romance department, cards of knights still kept on appearing. so question number 2 was devoted to discussing that thing called love. there was one knight card that appeared twice during the session -- the knight of cups. the tarot reader told me that this certain knight was very persistent. knights knights knights knights! cards of knights were very much visible..but where are the men that these cards represent??? isn't that ironic? :P i nonchalantly asked the lady if i've already met these men or if i have yet to meet them. "unfortunately, the time can't be specified". HUH?!?!? what good is a tarot reading if there's still a grey area! *sigh* contradicting. really. time specific or not? because she mentioned there would come a time that i would have to choose between two nights -- now that's an episode which im sure is in the future tense.

i didn't have any question 3 in mind, so she just sort of predicted my future in general. aside from the cards of knights, another subject in different cards was constantly popping -- the cards of pentagon. basically, she reaffirmed that i wouldn't end up in the streets begging for money. =)

none of her statements really shocked me. nada! zilch! i was half expecting to hear a nerve wrecking, mind blowing, earth shattering prediction from her. but there wasn't any! so you can say that i was slightly disappointed. hehe.

the session validated my principle that although i believe in destiny, you'd still have to work your way towards that destiny. i stand in the middle of a FREE WILL--DESTINY debate. the dictionary does not give justice to the word "fate". if i were to define it, it'll say: 'whatever is decreed for one, depending on the precedent plan of the person'. and through the entire course of this tarot reading, i can say that the things i heard were simply my plans in life. i almost have everything figured out. almost. and with every assertion she made, i almost wanted to say, "yeah..i already know that. is there anything surprising you can tell me?"

and just like my zodiac, I am once again associated with fire in the form of a Phoenix...

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
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I've always believed that Sagittarians are great kissers ;)

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
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Hmm...I guess my best friend is right...maybe I was a male in my past life...


You are a female or male that wants to be the
opposite sex. Sometimes you dress in their
clothing and dance around to Barney.Please rate
my quiz.


What's Wrong With You
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your work is your life

your work is your life


i remember hearing this line from a movie.. "you know what happiness is for me? it is loving your work"

uh-oh...i'm afraid i can't relate to that line. nu-uh!

work is becoming a routine for most of us here. maybe we're just too tired. the morning shift is not an option albeit temporarily. we've been on graveyard shift for about 4 months now. everyone is anticipating for the morning shift to become available again.

the only thing that makes me motivated to go to work is to spend time with my friends here. if not for them, i would have resigned faster than you can say "BYE!".

but no matter how high the stress level can get here, this office environment still serves as a refreshing change from home. but that's another story.... ;)

good decision...good decision...


moksha. october 19, 2003. 1130pm. great food. wonderful ambience. amazing friends.


and i almost couldn't join them for this late dinner. my face was still a bit swollen and bruised (medical reasons still inexplicable; i have to go back to the doctor). but i somehow sensed that the dinner would be something different and i had to be there. my instincts were right.

the food was enticing indeed! hats off to la ming (lee's dear sister). the place was very cozy, and i started to believe that we broke the warm and solemn ambience because we tend to be a bit raucous. =P favorite lines that night were enigma's "san MIGUEL light" and brat's "FF -- friends forever". my top1 was with us too...and of course...the teasing was endless. even if he weren't there, it wouldn't have bothered me...let's just say that top1 was the icing on the cake. =)

more than anything else, it felt good to be there when a friend needed a listening ear the most. it was a brief moment but we bonded profoundly. i sincerely hope that my friend will make it through..it takes time..but i know she'll be ok. she has to be ok - she deserves to be...

there have been some gimmicks that i had to pass up, and typically, i wouldn't regret not joining. but if i've missed this dinner, i know it would have been something i would truly regret...and i am so glad that i made the right decision that night. it was one of the most memorable yuppie nights.

sheer admiration

-
Elow fellow bloggers! This entry is the exact opposite of my "The Heat of My Desire" post. Eto naman wholesome...hehe...=P

-------------------------------------------
ADMIRATION
ad-mi-ration
ad-m&-'rA-sh&n

definitions:
1 archaic : WONDER
2 : an object of esteem
3 : delighted or astonished approbation


People have been teasing me about how much I "like" you. And why shouldn't they? I smile from ear to ear when we talk about you. My friends could create a tally board on the number of times I mention your name. But guys, believe me when I say that I really JUST like the guy. Honest. =) Now don't go rolling your eyes or raising your eyebrows at me.

I know that I am just infatuated. All I have for him is harmless admiration. I know it's not love...and I choose for it not be. Experience has taught me that love is a decision and the feelings just follow. And it's easy to fall for this guy if I wanted to. But I know what I'd be getting myself into. And I don't want any kind of trouble. ;) As I always say, "I know my rights pare."

I have so many crushes -- single, attached or married. And for the attached and married ones, I usually am happy for the woman they are with. These women are fortunate to be with a man who truly loves and adores them. Notwithstanding the fact that they have a great guy, some of these women don't seem to recognize that blessing. They tend to take their respective partners for granted in the long run. Sad, but true. I once asked this guy, "does she realize how lucky she is to be your girlfriend?" And he blurted, "uhm..I can't answer that. I don't know". Well I definitely knew the answer, and too bad for her, she didn't. At that time I honestly wanted to trade places with that girl. (Hay I miss that guy by the way...I was almost convinced that it could have been him..haaay...ima blog about that next time ;)

Anyway, going back to the recent object of my admiration...I only have good words to say about him. He gave a whole new meaning to the word "kind". He has a great life ahead of him with a nice loving partner by his side. Ok ok.. I'd be a hypocrite if I say that I am not envious. The envy I have however is not wanting to have the guy, but wanting to have the same kind of appreciation they have for each other in a relationship. And having known him gave me that certain trace of hope that there are still decent men out there. The kind who can make real relationships last.

I've never imagined that I'd write something about this at my blog. Nevertheless, I would say that he is worth writing about. And this is the least I could do for him, because I owe some of my best days to him..he definitely knows how to make someone happy. And for that, I am very thankful. =) *hugs*

The Heat of My Desire

--

In the still of the evening
Without sunlight to intrude
I see the twilights in your eyes
As the moon sets up the mood
Playing music soft and low
While romance fills the air
I can't help but feel aroused
The very moment you come near
I submit to your embrace
While candles flick their flame
And the smell of your perfume
Seems to drive my lust insane
As you look into my eyes
And run your fingers through my hair
I taste the sweetness of your neck
As I nibble at your ear
You the whisper words of love
As I answer with a sigh
And in a very luscious way
Our sweet bodies come alive
You're the heat of my desire
As we slowly come undress
You then start to lay me down
While I welcome your caress
With your sensuous physique
You have a taste I can't resist
And my breasts show some response
When you touch them with a kiss
As you soak inside my love
To a sexy love condition
Feeling passions start to rise
While making love in all positions
You give me so much pleasure
For ecstasy is here
With me wrapped inside your arms
To this heated love we share
Now no one can come close
To this love that we inspire
For only you can fill this joy
And the heat of my desire

aliw! =)

my blog has a new look!

To Mistress Ice, I am forever indebted.

Thank you sooooooooooo much!!! mwah!

Nomadic

--

I've been hiding somewhere between here and the moon, resting my head on clouds and gazing at the stars. I've been at a loss for words, not because nothing has happened but because so much has happened. I don't know what else to say.

It is just like chewed gum left on a surface -- I only realize that it is irritating and disparaging when I become in contact with it. And I try hard to remove it from me. It won't budge.

The explicator in me has gone shy. I cannot even begin to describe the exact road that I am traveling.

I continue traveling not knowing where I'm headed. All I'm concerned about is for me to reach a safe place. Be it a familiar place or not, it doesn't matter. I just need a place where I can be myself again.

perhaps
it is the haphazard way
you talk about things
whenever we sit beneath
the starless sky
the look upon your face
whenever you shift your gaze
from the blackness of the horizon
towards my moonlit grace
it is the emptiness
in your eyes
and the innocence
of your emotions
that twists and blinds me
from the bitterness of reality
i live now
knowing that my chances are few
but there's no slim chance
of me
dropping you
if you are none
but an illusion projected
by the longing of my soul
then cruel fate
come play with me
till i am finally ready
to be enveloped
by the clamoring darkness
that would surely
deafen me

what is it about you...

--

Your personality intrigues me. And you're right, you are the extreme of all things.

Were you trained to act? You act so well it hurts. I am amazed at how you can make someone feel absolutely special one minute, and abandon him the next.

The moment a single thought of you creeps into the crevices of mind, I immediately dismiss it. But I end up marveling at just the slightest idea of you. You'll probably never know how excited I am every time I see you. No, you won't – because I'll never make it that obvious. I delight in the fact that I can make you feel less special. (Hah! Magtampo ka all you want!) Weird? Nah. I'm just protecting myself. I don't want to be hooked on you…or maybe I do…

...but you make it a point to make me feel that it's not worth it.

At least, you were honest from the very start.

"BER" months

on the first day of september, i heard a christmas song blasting from the cab radio. then on october 1st, a christmas song was being played at the mall. on both occasions, i found mylsef feeling giddy. they said that the philippines is the country where christmas is celebrated the longest. i guess that's true. we spend like half of the year celebrating the said season. despite this observation, the last few christmases haven't given me that festive mood.

but when i heard the songs on the first day of the BER months, i just had this gut feel that this year will be different.

this year will be much better.

i don't know the reason why, but the important thing is that i have rediscovered the true meaning of christmas. i feel like like a child again. christmas has once again become something that i'm looking forward to...and not something that i'm dreading....

"Teka...babae ka nga ba?"



How would you answer a question like this? This was the last thing I expected to hear -- from my dad! My biological father no less!!!

He even looked at me with a big question mark written all over his face. May pabahol pang, "eh bakit ba kse wla ka pa ulet bf hanggang ngayon". May pailing iling pa ng ulo!

I just stared at him.

Is this what I get from being single for 2 years now? I thought I was doing them a favor by being careful with the guys I go out with. I have become too picky. And without them knowing, I am doing this for them. Yes, we get to choose our partners and everything boils down to OUR decisions. But if I had the choice, I still wouldn't want to disappoint my parents. I'm hoping that one day, when I get married (or should I say IF I get married), they'd get along with the man I've chosen.

Flash back: year 1999. My mom was satisfied with the fact that I was single. She even prayed that I would remain one for a couple more years. On my birthday of that same year, she wrote in her birthday card for me: "You are a nice daughter...blah blah blah..and sana next year, wala ka pa ring boyfriend".

The following year, I had a boyfriend. and I could honestly say that my parents were..hmmm, let's just say that they didn't really talk about my having a relationship. I took it that they consented my relationhip with my bf at that time.

Mid year 2001. I was single again. Year 2002, single. Year 2003, still single. And all these dragging years of my being single actually made my dad to conclude that I am...a lesbian???? OMG!!! Can you tell that I'm shocked???

At least my mom was there to defend me. "Alam mo naman yang anak mo... mapili. Gusto smart, masipag, etc etc."

Ayun. At least may isa sa kanilang alam na mapili lang kse talga ko. Haaay..lord!!! Ano ba ito!

One friend made a comment when she found out about this...sabi nya..."sana sinabi mo sa dad mo, 'hay dad, read my blog nalang!'" Hehe.

Just to set the record straight, the last time i checked, babae ako. =)

I love being a girl! Sabi nga ni twin...isa akong GEL (babae). Yun dn masasabi ko ngayon.


Hmmm...kala cguro ng parents ko eh zero activity ako sa dating scene. I still get more than my share of dates...hehehe...*wink*

Into my head, into my heart, and into my system


Perhaps the reason why I am contemplating too much on my being single and pathetic is because I have no serious problem to think about. If you were one of the very lucky (:P) people who is close to me, you could say that the life I have right now and the situations laid before me are not complex. Not at all.

It's a weird feeling, but I actually feel envious that some of my friends have more hurdles to get over with. Maybe I'm just hungry for challenges. And with that, I suddenly made my petty worries appear like serious cases.

I texted my closest friends with messages like, "I can never seem to hold anyone close very long. With every 'potential' guy that I meet, there's always a whole complicated story to tell. I have heard all kinds of reasons why a guy would suddenly be afraid to take on the next level of our friendship. And please, don't say na 'darating din yan'. Can't it be na ako naman yung dumating? Life!

Pathetic na ko dba?

Although I wasn't really asking for replies, most of them did. I just needed to vent. It was really enough for me to know that they were listening (or reading). But their thoughts helped me more than they could ever imagine. As my bes guy bud put it, I should know better why every 'potential' guy won’t put through. I should not think that someone will come nor arrive for someone. I should delight in the fact that I have all the time to be ready for who the Almighty has prepared for me...cause each of us has one in the proper time. He even wished me patience. =) Oh, and he started the message by saying that 'you are a beautiful a person'. And indeed, I felt that I was...inside and out.

I am ok. And this is something that I should start putting in my head, into my heart, and into my whole system.

"maswerte ka..."



2 years and 1 month.

I have been officially single for 2 years and one month now.

How has life been for me?

I am generally happy, satisfied and grateful for all the things in my life now. Honest. But any single person can probably agree with me when I say that there are moments when loneliness just kicks in. I have my family, I have amazing friends in my life...but...there's just this missing piece in the puzzle. I guess you all know what I'm referring to. No, I will NOT say it...it sounds too cheesy...hehehe...

'Maswerte ka'. My dearest girl friend uttered these two words to me. She was pointing out how lucky I am that I don't end up with the guys I've dated for the past year that I've known her. Simpy put, she believes that these guys don't deserve to have me. Yes, I am too damn good for them! Hehe! Seriously, if she had a choice, she doesn't want me to go through so much pain...she thinks I'm too fragile for that. Aaaaw...ang protective ng friend kow. Labs na labs ko yan eh.

As we were talking...one question kept running on my mind...'maswerte nga ba ako?'.

It is through other people that I would discover the positive side of a supposed depressing situation. I usually despair when a 'relationship' has ended before it even had begun. But her words..those two strong words...'maswerte ka' -- made me realize that these upsetting situations would actually work for my advantage. I will learn. I will be wiser. And if I could avoid it, I would not get stuck in a relationship wherein my time and effort were wasted.



Thanks bes..I almost forgot how wonderful it is to be single..until you said those words to me.

I only keep growing...

It's just strange, even when I'm hating the world and wishing it'd go away, I still find myself being entirely pure in my reasoning and thought.

I am aware that I owe a lot to the people close to me...and for that I beg for apology, but mostly I owe myself more time to pamper, to cultivate, to create. Am I just too darned volatile for my own good? Be that as it may, I am confident to say that I can very well adapt to the changes in my life. I have hurdled many of my life's events -- which can stretch to a complex thing and bounce back to a normal state.

Wonderful things are happening to me…I am not ungrateful, but sometimes I wonder if I deserve it all. I know I do...I just have to keep reminding myself of that...

So I might as well face the day, because I only get wiser as the days go on. I only learn a little more with each trial I face. I only keep growing...

Hope for me yet...

Who am I trying to fool? I can be bitter. I can get angry. I can feel hopeless. But I am still the same girl who thought she could step into a mirror and find herself somewhere else. I still wish on stars. I keep drifting off in daydreams. I have faith in the world.

That is who I am.

Of course, I have bad days...I have bad weeks. But I've never had bad months or a bad whole year. No, I don't let it last that long.

Life is too short to hold on to grudges and to build walls around you and to pretend like nobody else but yourself matters. It might be easier, it's definitely easier, but it doesn't feel nearly as good as it does to forgive someone and let someone new into your life and give your time and thought and compassion away.

It's worth it. I know it doesn't feel that way sometimes. I know it seems impossible sometimes. But it is. This is what I tell myself. This is what I need to remember.

There's hope for me, yet.