Saturday, November 29, 2003

the sun, the sand, the sea....that's where I'll be

Exactly a year ago today, my officemates and I packed our bags and went to Alaminos. It was Thanksgiving holiday and we took advantage of the long weekend.

We're reliving that adventure today! :) We're heading to Alamimos again! Woohooo!!!!

At some point I thought this trip wouldn't push through. It's still a long weekend, but not for everyone this time. Some of my collegues had to work the whole week. And some of them really had a hard time to fit this trip into their schedule.

I'm ecstatic that we're going out of town. This is a much needed break for me. I can't wait to see Hundred Islands again. I remember last year...the moment we saw the breathtaking view...we all suddenly became silent. We were in awe!

I've been through a lot these past coupla days. Unfortunate series of events. I'm really looking forward to this trip.


enjoy your weekend guys! i know i will....

Friday, November 28, 2003

a terrain of scattered thoughts...

and it gets tiring because we keep going in circles.

for the last 20 hours or so i've been questioning myself why i want to invest in something i doubt if i'll ever possess: you

every gesture you showed yesterday just left me perplexed.

how can you be so transparent and mysterious at the same time? geeze. when will this puzzle be completed? i'm crossing my fingers that i would endure this game we're playing. why the hell am i playing along to begin with?

i wish you didn't hold my hand that way...the warmth of your touch just runs through naturally. but had it happened otherwise, i know i'd be disappointed.

oh yeah, my mind is filled with lots of thoughts...uhm...let's oh yes, you!
trashing the thoughts of you seems to be an incessant battle.

i feel like i've been caught in a storm that's tossing me around. i just let myself get whizzed by it.

***Author's note: Ugh. I didn't know how I'd start writing about this...this...whatever this helluva road I'm treading on! Something's just bugging me...***

Thursday, November 27, 2003

no sad goodbyes...

cp: "jan 9 of 03 9pm... nagmeet tau pero I didn't say a word... i just gave u a letter with an instruction that u have to open it after my departure."

y: "what's in the letter?"

I may never get to wake you up, or watch you fall asleep,
or say our prayers together, That God, our souls would keep

I may never feel your soft warm touch, or hold you close at night,
or make you laugh at little jokes just to see your smile so bright.

I may never get a chance to see how majestic your love is, or
feel how sweet and lucky to be loved by you

But this one thing you can count on for sure and I pray that you
will forever hold it near, That this feelings of love that I felt inside are only for you

cp: "ayan at least wlang sad goodbyes"
y: "wow"
y: "this is one of those rare moments that im at a loss for words..."
y: "wow"

even up to this writing, i'm still speechless. i'm still overwhelmed.
thank you for being there for me.

you hold a special place in my heart. :)

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

the color of tranquility


You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

that tingling sensation

In an online lifestyle forum, one of the members posted this question:

"Expert kissers, ano ba ang masarap na kiss?"

At first I didn't want to post a reply. I thought, "ano ba namang tanong yan. we all know what a good kiss is." But when I read some of the responses such as "a passionate kiss from the one you love", "basta with feelings", "a half french kiss" (though I'm not really sure what that last one is). Ayun. napa-reminisce nalang ako bigla.

When was the last time that I felt that kind of kiss? Kaya cge, maki-sagot na nga rin!

Here's what I posted:

masarap na kiss?

it's that kind of kiss that means something to you. a real kiss. a kiss that gives you that tingling sensation all over. *smiles*

i haven't felt a kiss in a long time. i've been kissed, but i haven't felt it. lips have touched mine, yes. but i haven't felt the touch that seeps into your lips and through your mouth and down your throat and floats, floats all the way in a spiral to your toes. no. i haven't felt a kiss in a long time.

Fine. Pathetic na kung pathetic. :P Natuwa lang ako kse kahit pla papano, I've experienced real meaningful kisses. The ones that make me smile when I think about it. Yep, I've also had my share of those kisses that felt nothing right after. At ayoko na yata silang maranasan pang ulet. Naks. :)

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

I came across this poem and it just hit a spot. I may not be able to relate to this right now...but I've been in the speaker's position more than once in my life.*sigh* looooove! :) I know some of you can relate to it too....

Once Again
Grace Brunelle

Once again I've found myself thinking about you
wondering how pathetic I'd sound, if you ever knew
Once again tears fall and linger streaming down my face
because I've been keeping this flame alive
with memories of past days
Once again I'm on my knees not knowing what to do
because this girl, yet so naive, is so in love with you
Once again I'm waiting to hear, anything from you
if this goes on much longer, i won't know what to do

Saturday, November 22, 2003

all relationships are INTERaction

...i am one part...he is one part...and so on...

it really helps when i get to talk to close friends about what's bothering me. one of them reminded me that things are bound to be like this simply because we're family.

i can all try to compensate for whatever affection my brother misses from my dad... but in the end.. it's his perception of things that will make things right. i can only make him feel loved. he is the one who has to choose to accept it as genuine or see it as nothing.

yes, i worry about them. it's a general human emotion because i love them. but i realize that i should not let my life be dictated by the seemingly hopeless situation i am facing now.

i should stop worrying. keep my hopes up..and continue to smile.
if i cannot be happy within myself... how can i share the hope with them...?

and i quote my friend: "parang yosi yan nde mo pede i share yun sindi.. kung yun yosi mo mismo walang sindi..."

Friday, November 21, 2003

cream puff

today i had the chance of chatting with a very good friend of mine. ok, so he was more than a friend. take note -- WAS.

we went back to memory lane. and doing so put a smile on my face.

despite the distance, he has this amazing ability to convey his message in a way that it is almost felt. the words on the messenger just come to life.

i was surprised that up do this date, he can still make me feel special. i almost forgot that at one point in my life, someone has made me feel that way. in the latter months, i had my energies focused on the fact that i am alone, single and unattached...and i've since felt less special and wanted.

i must admit that during those days that he was still wooing me, there was something magical between us. there was that tingling sensation...or simply what we call "kilig". :)

last year, he came home to Manila for a vacation. i passed up the opportunity of spending time with him. i don't know what went wrong..or how it all started, but before i knew it, the captivating feeling started to drift away. it's like sand in your try to grab as much as you could, but they'd just sift through.

he went back the US. months have gone by. i thought i lost him for good, and that the friendship has died.

slowly, we started communicating again. and the warmth of our friendship is felt more than ever.

as good friends, we've become comfortable with each other again and we can talk about anything. no inhibitions whatsoever. and so today he asked me if he has ever made me feel special. i answered with a solid yes. i wish i could do more than simply tell that to him. and i'm secretly hoping that somehow, i have also made him feel equally special...or at least, a fraction of that sentiment.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

sometimes i think maybe it's just good to let words lie.

then they can just be as they intended to be. there. floating. somewhere between you and me and our consciousnesses and a couple thousand miles.

it's okay. you don't have to tell me. i know.

i know the pain, the aching, the deep, dark desire. the apprehension and fear. the doubt and wondering. i know. i see it in you, like i've seen it in me. you feel alone, but you're not. you don't think you'll ever survive, but you will.

i know. you don't have to tell me. it's okay.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

taut silhouette

i once told you that you have grown to be a very fine man.

i mean it.

you are a talented individual. you have one of the purest hearts i've ever known. i know that there have been moments when you have felt unwanted, unloved, and unappreciated. harsh words have been directed at you and more often than not, your credibility has been undermined.

ever since you were a kid, the Emperor has belittle you...and you did not fail to notice that. the ache has grown from a speck of dust to a mountain of mess that could have almost destroyed the inner you. you've been stabbed and the scar has always been noticeable.

the way people underestimate you is already a pitiful circumstance to begin with. but what pains me more is knowing that you see yourself the same way that others see you. why do you believe your worst assessments? you should know better than to listen to them. if there's one person who can evaluate yourself entirely, it's none other than you.

i want you to come out of your shell and realize how wonderful you are. i want you to realize your worth. i beg you to prove them wrong. i want you to mold your character according to what you were destined to be. most of all, i want you to open your heart and let love come in.

if you still regard me as your prophet as you once did, then consider my words.

don't let that tainted self run through. it's not yet too late...

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

enchanted weekend

usually, the best gimmicks are those that are planned on short notice.

and this is exactly what happened last sunday. text messages spread in the morning, notifying all people concerned that the day will be spent at enchanted kingdom theme park.

transportation was initially a major concern. but being the cowboys that we are, we didn't mind commuting. with Enigma's wits, we got an FX driver take us to EK. and so off to EK with an FX filled with 7 eager adults and loads of fun.

we rode all the major the rides except for 4D and Rio Grande coz the queue was endless. Oh, and i was supposed to join the gang ride the space shuttle but i suddenly felt dizzy. nope, i didn't chicken out. i was really up for it until i became i a lil lightheaded.

i just have to mention that the go kart experience was the best ride of all. by now, half of the MM team knows how i faired in the "race". hehe. they said that the speed of my driving in edsa is the exact opposite of my driving in the go kart event. kulang nalang daw eh mag wave ako sa bagal!! cruising nalang talga! feeling beauty queen ba ako nun? i prolly thought my body bag was my sash. hehe. ack! i'll stick to the real deal automobile.

this is one of those instances that would be better off described with pictures. ima wait for all the pics to be uploaded and try to post them here. in the meantime, you can view Twin's blog for the pictures. =)

the EK gimmick was definitely worth my PHP500...and more!! =)

we'll definitely go back to EK soon, and hopefully, next time there'll be more people to join us.

Friday, November 14, 2003

out cold

sometimes i feel too much and it overwhelms me, and i am paralyzed. stunned.

why does my depression can become like a woman's period? it turns into a monthly cycle. and like most everything else, this sentiment is something i can't perfectly describe. what i really want to say is stuck at the tip of my tongue, at the edge of my mind, right there, but i can't think of the right words.

i can't think of any words.

i just wish i could open the door to my insides and let you see for yourself.

clear blur

i am still learning. the moment i think i've got a pretty good handle
on things, i've figured a lot of it out, i'm in the clear, i realize i am
far from it and i was stupid to even think that way.

lesson number one: you have no clue.

remember those letters we used to write, about the meaning of life
and shit?

i thought i knew the meaning of life. it turned out i knew shit.

tomorrow i'll feel better...

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

suddenly i'm a bit melancholy right now. i miss the guy. it's not you. it's him.

i don't want to forget the wonderful feeling of talking to him. how i laugh so hard until i could not breathe. how my face brightens up and my insides melt and i am simply happy. the thrill i get with even the slightest touch of his fingers on my skin. the way our eyes lock and know exactly what we mean even without saying a word. the initial moment that we knew that there was something special going on between us. the kisses we shared that mean so much more than simply having two sets of lips interlocking. the way we wanted to cross the line (*wink*). how he teases me till i get cranky and he'll be sweet again. the satisfied feeling i get when i can see that he becomes jealous about someone. the way he almost promised me the moon and stars. the way i turned him down and closed my heart on the possibilities of what we could have. how i almost believed every word he said...and almost felt it.

how i nearly fell in love with him....

...and virtually enjoyed every moment of it.


if today were the last of all days
would it change how you feel, who you are
would you rise for a moment above all your fears
become one with the moon and the stars

would you like what you see looking down
did you give everything that you could
have you done everything that you wanted to do
is there still so much more that you owe

follow you dream to the end of the rainbow
way beyond one pot of gold
open your eyes to the colors around you
and find the true beauty life holds

would you live for the moment like when you were young
and time didn't travel so fast
be free in the present, enjoying the now
not tied to a future or past

you probably said all you wanted to say
but doesn't it strike you as strange
if we only begin to start living our lives
if today were the last of all of days

if today were the last of all days...

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

zoning out

as much as i want to consider my home a "home", sometimes i feel that i am somehow trapped. i find it odd that it is the office that i consider to be the oasis i can comfortably settle in. other people can't wait to get their ass off from work. would you believe that this seldom happens to me? mine is almost always the opposite. if mattresses were provided at work, i would have probably made a campsite 24/7.

i remember one time when i came to work on a weekend and it was my off. a friend jokingly said, "o bakit andto ka, nag away kayo ng nanay mo noh". i simply answered "yes"... and i bursted into tears. he apologized, "ay sorry. totoo plang nag away kayo". even if the office can become the most stressful place on earth, i still consider it my refuge. it's always been a escape for most of us here.

yes, i love my family. it's just that the noise at home can become unbearable; it just makes me want to shut everything out. and i'm not only referring to "real" noise. silent screams are far worse than audio noises. there is a friction between 2 members in my family. pride does get in the way. how do you even begin to teach someone how to apologize if he has a closed heart? i wish i could just say that i don't care whether or not they make peace. but it's not that simple. they are family, and i am as affected as the people directly involved.

more often that not, the idea of my moving out has been mentioned during conversations at home. i can list 100 reasons why moving out will be good for me. i raise these valid points to my mom. but she can also enlist 200 reasons more why it's better for me to stay at home. aight. i rest my case -- but only for now. there will come a time that i will move out...whether they like it or not. the distance can be beneficial. i believe that the more i'll be away from them, the more i'll miss them..and the more that i will value those moments that i'll be spending with them. they say that moving out means sacrificing a lot --- believe me, i'd be willing to trade my almost comfortable and perfect way of life just to have a solitary sanctuary. i can bear the loneliness and all that hard work. i can probably even bear living with a sloppy roommate. just give me a chance to experience a reclusive lifestyle once in a while.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

under the weather

finally...i am able to access my blog. whew.

as much as i want to EXPLAIN things, i have to make this short and sweet. the graveyard zombie is still under the weather.

i went to the doctor yesterday. it's only a bad case of flu...for now. doctor said that once i find rashes on my skin, i could be infected with dengue. OMG!!!

i'll be back next week..with a healthier me..and a better blogsite to boot.

for now, visit our common blog. that's where the action is. *wink*

iba na ang sikat..sinasadya pa ang blog natin! akalain nyo! =)