zoning out


as much as i want to consider my home a "home", sometimes i feel that i am somehow trapped. i find it odd that it is the office that i consider to be the oasis i can comfortably settle in. other people can't wait to get their ass off from work. would you believe that this seldom happens to me? mine is almost always the opposite. if mattresses were provided at work, i would have probably made a campsite 24/7.

i remember one time when i came to work on a weekend and it was my off. a friend jokingly said, "o bakit andto ka, nag away kayo ng nanay mo noh". i simply answered "yes"... and i bursted into tears. he apologized, "ay sorry. totoo plang nag away kayo". even if the office can become the most stressful place on earth, i still consider it my refuge. it's always been a escape for most of us here.

yes, i love my family. it's just that the noise at home can become unbearable; it just makes me want to shut everything out. and i'm not only referring to "real" noise. silent screams are far worse than audio noises. there is a friction between 2 members in my family. pride does get in the way. how do you even begin to teach someone how to apologize if he has a closed heart? i wish i could just say that i don't care whether or not they make peace. but it's not that simple. they are family, and i am as affected as the people directly involved.

more often that not, the idea of my moving out has been mentioned during conversations at home. i can list 100 reasons why moving out will be good for me. i raise these valid points to my mom. but she can also enlist 200 reasons more why it's better for me to stay at home. aight. i rest my case -- but only for now. there will come a time that i will move out...whether they like it or not. the distance can be beneficial. i believe that the more i'll be away from them, the more i'll miss them..and the more that i will value those moments that i'll be spending with them. they say that moving out means sacrificing a lot --- believe me, i'd be willing to trade my almost comfortable and perfect way of life just to have a solitary sanctuary. i can bear the loneliness and all that hard work. i can probably even bear living with a sloppy roommate. just give me a chance to experience a reclusive lifestyle once in a while.