Tuesday, August 31, 2004

still dangling on a string...but with a firmer grip this time

so this is how it feels.

i can't believe it has been a year since i started blogging. wow. it has been an eventful year indeed.

i backtracked to my very first post and as i was reading it, i have concluded that i am still the same person, only this time, i feel that i am armed with more experience and confidence to face my fears and enemies.

i am still the same person who, no matter how optimistic she can be -- still has the tendency to worry. badly.

i am still the same person who, regardless of knowing what she loves to do, is still having a damn hard time deciding which path to take.

i am the still the same person who, despite being broken hearted a numer of times, will still take that risk to fall in love. over and over again.

i am still the same person who, despite having committed mistakes in life, will still not regret and blame herself for doing so.

yes, i may still be going through the same misfortunes and i am still hanging by a single strand of hope. but my grip has become firmer. all i had to do was put my faith in Him. something so simple can be so wonderful.

and blogging had a lot to do with it. had it not been for my daily musings and my friends' comments, i will not be reaffirmed that i am worth it.

very much worth it.

Saturday, August 28, 2004


some of my recent pics with my second family. :)

the only time that we were on morning shift for this year. grabe nag celebrate kme. lunch out! haha!

ayan. pati former manager kasama namen. ganun kme kasaya :)

profile photo for socials committee. memorable yang pic na yan. hehe. ako nalang nakakalaam kung baket ;)

ang bagong iyak na jarjar. tamang umiyak ako sa party dba. drama ko. syeeet.
pero project pa rin sa camera. :P

masakit na mata ko nyan. hay usok ng yosi. eeeww. :P

posing with Juboy, one of the bday peeps. at syempre laging may sisingit. hehe. favorite ko yang shirt ni jubs na yan. la lang.

oriental friday. fish event at work. hay nde talaga ko papasang chinese. kulay ko palang eh. haha!

robo launch. naks nag wine daw kme. ok pa kme nung product launch. ngayon ngarag na lahat ng tao :( beer na ulet, wla ng wine wine!

sabi ko nga masaya pa ko nung launch eh. wla lang. gusto ko lang ng solo pic :P

at dahil bagong gupit si pachuchay, nagpicture taking kme. hehe

yun lang. next time ulet :D

Friday, August 27, 2004

The Lone Warrior

Love so tangible it pulsates

Enraptures me, seduces me

I grasp to embrace it

A blazing heat of fiery motion

Energy beyond imagination

A feast for the starving

As the moon rules the tides

So your love intoxicates me

Vibrations ripen my desire

No sorrow until I found it

A void unfurls as we part

Giving birth to longing

My senses still writhing

I don my mask, abandon my despair

The lone warrior again

Saturday, August 21, 2004

happiness can be found on edsa

i still have it.

i can still manage to pysche myself that my day will be a good one. or that i can be happy if i badly want/need to. call it fake but at least it works for me. it snaps me out of depression -- and even from anger. ;)

it occurred to me that everytime i drive to and from work, it gives me the perfect opportunity to contemplate on a lot of things. it is also during these times that i tend to become emotional. on top of all these, the worrywart side of me starts to surface.

last night i tried to reverse that. it was a smooth drive.

being on the road is an everyday thing for me. that being said, i cannot let myself sulk every freaking moment of it. i tried to acquire the old attitude i once had. the free spirited me. the one who didn't torture herself from worrying too much. i did that when i was younger. why can't i do it again now?

i have to remind myself that sometimes, even i've done everything and anything, things will still suck in the end. and that's ok. i should stop worrying and i should even be proud of myself that i've exhausted all that i can. my gaaaaaad, i actually cared that much to go through all the trouble! nde pala talaga ako manhid at makasariling tao.

i kept thinking of happy and encouraging thoughts until i reached the office. and i still kept doing silent prayers while driving.

i've never felt better.

Sunday, August 15, 2004


i don't know what's worse: the fact that you never came close to how i feel about you; or the painful reality that i will always be your second best.

you have reinforced my inherent trust towards people like you. i blame you for making me shun my belief in the true meaning of the word "sorry". i cringe whenever you utter that word to me. saying sorry habitually to the same person makes the act of apology insincere. the manner you say 'sorry' is as casual as you say 'hi'.

they say that actions speak louder than words. you suck at both.

you never heard me speak this way to you. that's because i've always been enchanted with you.

until now.

yeah, you probably think i'm stupid. I'M NOT. it's just that i have a foolish heart.

i realized that i have a choice. and that it's not too late to pick the right one.

i guess somehow i've learned something from all this: i don't have to settle. it's only now that i've fully understood what people mean when they tell me "you deserve the best". obviously, you're not the best one out there.

i loathe every inch you. at oo, gusto kitang sampalin! potah.

i wasn't able to make it to bloggers night. don't ask why. baka sumama rin loob nyo sa taong yun. tama na yung ako lang ang galit sa knya.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

those rare moments of silence

i have really messed up my body clock. i am always awake at night even during my rest days. i feel alone in the house, and i am pleased. the silence gives me an overwhelming sense of peace. during these ungodly hours, i recollect moments of silence that i have experienced or just witnessed...

i take pleasure in the silence in our home whenever i rouse from my sleep at 2am. the silence of the city when it sleeps. silence of a song the moment it reaches its ending.

there is silence between a tainted friendship. silence between two people whose trust was destroyed. silence between a man and wife with undeniable loss of affection.

the uncomfortable silence after getting someone hurt. knowing that even saying sorry proves futile.

there is silence of a great hatred. silence of a dwindling respect for someone you once adored.

the comforting silence after crying buckets of tears. regaining my strength and sense of hope.

i have learned the silence of immense love. too full of passion for the tongue to utter it.

i find myself voiceless in the presence of these realities. i cannot speak.

my silence will be misinterpreted. they don't know that i have actually said something.

i have given out a silent scream.


thank you to everyone who made thoughtful comments on my "bittersweet solitude" post. i truly appreciate all the words of comfort.

and thank you for all the cyberhugs. :) i almost felt it. and yes, i'm feeling better now.

hmmm..bihira to..i'm in a giddy mood while blogging. :)

see you all on bloggers' night! :D

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

bittersweet solitude

what hooked me to blogging was the idea that i'd actually have a place where i can cast out my emotions -- be it positive or negative. and so i've never seen my blog as something with a purely melancholic theme.

until my friend O.C. told me this:
"maybe if you stop blogging, you'll stop being depressed."

huh? are you saying that i only blog about the most somber moments of my life?

well, perhaps that IS true.

if i would brood through my pages, most of things i wrote about were far from anything exciting. MOST, but not all. and so i still wouldn't consider this as a blog filled with depressing thoughts.

like any other person, i am constantly learning. and had it not been for the all the pain i've experienced, i will not grow. writing, aside from cooking, is my favorite therapy. after typing whatever's in my heart and whatever's on my mind, i actually feel better. and that feeling is anything but dismal.

O.C usually sees me blogging with a sad face. sometimes my eyes are even filled with tears. i know he made that comment because for the past few days, i haven't been smiling. i still do, but my smiles and laughters are half hearted. you will not see a twinkle in my eyes.

i am lonely.

the loneliness is palpable.

and i really need a hug right now. a warm hug. one that feels like home.