Saturday, January 31, 2004

luminous sky

i had a vision. you tried to conceal your true insights. i may have held your hand or seen the shadow you desperatey tried to fight. you wandered off and followed the feather. the wind blew it fast. you didn't catch it in your hands.

think of the good intentions you had before you blame yourself. every man is a man of need. and even if you were covered in delicate blanket, you can still emerge unprepared and vulnerable.

no one expected the fall. no one expected the great lengths. no one expected the promptness. they all promised you the dance of life. complete with all the glitters. they still made you get down...

we were all innocent. your utmost needs may have gone unforgiven, but you still kept an open mind, an open heart, a free spirit.

i had a vision. a man with a marked distinction. a man who offered an enormous amount of love.

a man of need. a pure soul.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

not exactly empty handed

the key is to walk out the door with conviction, like you have somewhere really important to go. keep your head up, because you are larger than life. it is moments like this when you really have to look straight ahead, never back. stay focused. go fast. and never, ever pause to converse, because they might induce you to stay.

i am not weak after all. i can be firm and i still manage to be resilient at any given situation -- or at least i try to.

some people mistake me, they only see what they wanna see; they only hear what they wanna hear. that phase is over now.

and you...if you could't agree with me, i apologize. i just can't keep pretending. i'm packing my bags 'cause i don't wanna be the only one who's drowning in their misery. please understand that i took that chance 'cause I just wanna breathe. it's so much better to embrace the truth than to live a lie.

and i won't look back and wonder how it's supposed to be...

i almost stumbled, but God kept the path lit on the only road i know.

Monday, January 26, 2004

i wish i were numb

and so i did it. i did the right thing.

it took me a while, however, to convince myself that i was doing this for me...and not for the people around me. somehow, i'm still having doubts.

i'm telling you, what i did was far from being easy. it was one of the most difficult decisions i had to make. once again i have felt how it is to sacrifice your own happiness. and i am certain that no matter how you say that you shouldn't care about what other people think or say about you, you can't help but be distracted...and consequently, become affected. i don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, because at some point you lose your own sense of shrewdness when you're drowning in their voices.

i never had the chance to tell them what i really felt in all those times i was caught in that storm. i don't think they realized that the seemingly harmless teasing they engaged in went overboard. it's simply sickening.

i just wish they can already put an end to this...the same way that i have.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

an empty cage that has no key

have you ever felt like all people are against you? yes, even your friends -- especially your friends.

today i spent a few hours at the mall. all by myself. i desperately wanted to talk to someone, or to at least have somebody there to hold my hand. but i didn't know who to call. or maybe i did...but i know all too well that it wasn't a good idea. i didn't need someone to lecture me at that time. i just wanted some company. i felt so alone. and it was lonely. ugly.

before i knew it, tears started to fall from my eyes.

is it hardnosed to say that they don't understand me? probably. but that's what i feel. why do people make a living out of making claims? they can spend hours chatting about you, but can't have the audacity to talk to you -- THE ONE WHO IS DISTURBED -- even for just a minute.

today, more than ever, i feel that my life's measures are not for them to evaluate.

don't say that you understand. because you don't. you simply DON'T. it's a big picture to grasp in that little stern head of yours.

i would rather feel to much than nothing at all. yes, even the pain will be all worth it in the end.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

i've been playing this song for a week now. i just looooove it! so much! =)

Twin and I have been trying to get a copy of Sarah McLachlan's "Afterglow" album. we're having a hard time. :/ *sigh*


Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin out with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear.

weekend na! woohoo!! i'm looking forward to tomorrow's dinner with my college buds. i'm also gonna meet up with my colleagues after that to have a despedida gimmick for mother Len.

come sunday, i'm finally gonna be able to watch Return of the King. yey!

happy weekend everyone!

Thursday, January 15, 2004

set off

what if all this time i've had it all wrong? i've been trying to hold on to so much and maybe i should just let go. let go of the the things i think i need, let go of the feelings i don't want to forget, let go of the memories i am afraid will disappear from my mind. let go, and make room for more.

there have been moments in my life when i've lost and felt that a part of me has died. i had to acknowledge such tragedies. what was experienced was learned, and what was learned would not be forgotten. i lived. that was enough.

i am still so young, and there is so much more to get/feel/learn/live. it's nice just to swim in the moment, sometimes, without worrying about what others think, without trying to record every detail, without planning the way it ends. i am going to try to do more of that. i just don't want to waste any more time.

* * * * * *

Reaching upward
I'm earthbound
Daydreamer wake me up
I'd welcome the interruption
I'm realizing that I am chronically spaced
Be quiet I just need to hear myself -- think
Loud and uncontrolled
Totally aware that I know
But not enough to pull back
And let things go
High-strung and high-waisted
If I whine it's not earnest
I'm just unloading some weight
Maybe I should stop praying for a miracle
and savor every morsel that I've been served
It's all up to me

Saturday, January 10, 2004

walking on egg shells

second time around.

it's happening again. i am the main menu of people's breakfast/lunch/dinner. they savor every bite. they enjoy even the tiniest crumbs -- even if it's tasteless and crap.

i have experienced this before. the only difference this time is, the people involved right now are people who are dear to me. people i actually care about. and that....simply hurts.

i know what they see appears to be wrong. ok ok, i know that there is some truth to that. but does talking behind my back help? what do they really know about what's happening??? ONLY I know about that.

some of them have brazen out this issue with me upfront. that's fine. and i'd rather that they question me directly than discuss it with other people who make conclusions purely based on whatever story they fancy.

love is crazy. i am convinced of that. and i perfectly understand the genuine concern they have for me. i have been given sound advice of the situation that i'm getting into. i prolly know all the right things to do...but i don't understand why something so wrong feels so right.

call me stupid. hollow. erroneous. label me with all kinds of harsh words. i'll take everything. perhaps i deserve to be called such things. but i also know that i deserve to be happy. only, my happiness this time is being judged.

i don't owe the world an explanation. i just wish that they'd somehow, even just for a moment, put themselves in my shoes.

and it does wonders if you sometimes think outside of the box.

if anything, i am grateful that i have true friends who care about me. these are the people who never fall short of becoming the epitome of what true friendship is.

in all honesty, i'd like to follow every piece of advice they give me. just ain't easy...

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Time, where did you go? Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don't go so fast
I'm missing the moments as they pass
Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time

I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
I should've known better
I shouldn't have wasted those days

Now this is my time
I'm going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn't have wasted those days)
I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
I've looked in the mirror
My world's getting clearer
So wait for me this time

Chantal Kreviazuk

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

biting wit

what do every human being seek for?


we all want to be loved. but it all depends on our own perception on how we should be loved. i can get lonely when i'm alone and i start feeling that im not special. but hey, i've got my friends. they love me unconditionally.

so why do we still seek for that romantic kind of love? is it really essential?

love is a chance, but it's also a choice.

we must follow our hearts, but mind over heart has to be practiced too.

we give the perfect advice to our friends, but we can't follow our own.

we say that we don't care what other people say, but deep inside we still want to please them.

we are humans and we have the highest level of thinking, but we can get stupid.

we know how to untangle a knotty situation, but can't seem to do it.

we know we're gonna get hurt if we go a certain path, but still opt to take that risk.

there are just so many ironies in life...

Saturday, January 03, 2004

** author's note: the entry below is something i wanted to write at the end of 2003. but i just never got around to writing it. here it is now... :) **

halfway through 50

come december time, most people tend to recollect events that happened during that year. i am one of those people. and this habit is something i am usually bent on taking seriously. not only do i reflect because the year has just ended, but also because i celebrate my birthday during the same month. mine becomes a "double recollection" so to speak.

i have just turned 25 -- i am halfway through 50. one friend asked me "halfway through 50? you talk like you're only gonna live til 50!"

well, i guess so. i keep telling my close friends that i don't want to live a loooong life. so hitting 50 would be like a milestone for me. if i'm already halfway there, that means i must have achieved at least a fraction of my goals. but sometimes i feel like i haven't even begun. i have goals to achieve when i hit 30, 40 and 50. i am 5 years shy from my first target and i haven't had enough guts to go out of my comfort zone. i have always admired people who have survived living on their own. perfect example would be my best friend Pornz. she's been through a lot. and she has managed to turn those trials into triumphs. i look up to her. i hold her with such high regard. ** love you bes :) **

i don't want to belittle myself. i know i have done some remarkable things. but i also know that i should have done better at most occasions.

it's never too late though. just realizing that i have to better myself is already a step forward. that's a good sign. right? right. (",)

i wish that this year would really bring more fortunes to everyone. despite the hardships, i know we will get through.

Thursday, January 01, 2004


may all your dreams come closer to coming true.

all the best!