Tuesday, September 23, 2003

"Teka...babae ka nga ba?"

How would you answer a question like this? This was the last thing I expected to hear -- from my dad! My biological father no less!!!

He even looked at me with a big question mark written all over his face. May pabahol pang, "eh bakit ba kse wla ka pa ulet bf hanggang ngayon". May pailing iling pa ng ulo!

I just stared at him.

Is this what I get from being single for 2 years now? I thought I was doing them a favor by being careful with the guys I go out with. I have become too picky. And without them knowing, I am doing this for them. Yes, we get to choose our partners and everything boils down to OUR decisions. But if I had the choice, I still wouldn't want to disappoint my parents. I'm hoping that one day, when I get married (or should I say IF I get married), they'd get along with the man I've chosen.

Flash back: year 1999. My mom was satisfied with the fact that I was single. She even prayed that I would remain one for a couple more years. On my birthday of that same year, she wrote in her birthday card for me: "You are a nice daughter...blah blah blah..and sana next year, wala ka pa ring boyfriend".

The following year, I had a boyfriend. and I could honestly say that my parents were..hmmm, let's just say that they didn't really talk about my having a relationship. I took it that they consented my relationhip with my bf at that time.

Mid year 2001. I was single again. Year 2002, single. Year 2003, still single. And all these dragging years of my being single actually made my dad to conclude that I am...a lesbian???? OMG!!! Can you tell that I'm shocked???

At least my mom was there to defend me. "Alam mo naman yang anak mo... mapili. Gusto smart, masipag, etc etc."

Ayun. At least may isa sa kanilang alam na mapili lang kse talga ko. Haaay..lord!!! Ano ba ito!

One friend made a comment when she found out about this...sabi nya..."sana sinabi mo sa dad mo, 'hay dad, read my blog nalang!'" Hehe.

Just to set the record straight, the last time i checked, babae ako. =)

I love being a girl! Sabi nga ni twin...isa akong GEL (babae). Yun dn masasabi ko ngayon.

Hmmm...kala cguro ng parents ko eh zero activity ako sa dating scene. I still get more than my share of dates...hehehe...*wink*

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Into my head, into my heart, and into my system

Perhaps the reason why I am contemplating too much on my being single and pathetic is because I have no serious problem to think about. If you were one of the very lucky (:P) people who is close to me, you could say that the life I have right now and the situations laid before me are not complex. Not at all.

It's a weird feeling, but I actually feel envious that some of my friends have more hurdles to get over with. Maybe I'm just hungry for challenges. And with that, I suddenly made my petty worries appear like serious cases.

I texted my closest friends with messages like, "I can never seem to hold anyone close very long. With every 'potential' guy that I meet, there's always a whole complicated story to tell. I have heard all kinds of reasons why a guy would suddenly be afraid to take on the next level of our friendship. And please, don't say na 'darating din yan'. Can't it be na ako naman yung dumating? Life!

Pathetic na ko dba?

Although I wasn't really asking for replies, most of them did. I just needed to vent. It was really enough for me to know that they were listening (or reading). But their thoughts helped me more than they could ever imagine. As my bes guy bud put it, I should know better why every 'potential' guy won’t put through. I should not think that someone will come nor arrive for someone. I should delight in the fact that I have all the time to be ready for who the Almighty has prepared for me...cause each of us has one in the proper time. He even wished me patience. =) Oh, and he started the message by saying that 'you are a beautiful a person'. And indeed, I felt that I was...inside and out.

I am ok. And this is something that I should start putting in my head, into my heart, and into my whole system.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

"maswerte ka..."

2 years and 1 month.

I have been officially single for 2 years and one month now.

How has life been for me?

I am generally happy, satisfied and grateful for all the things in my life now. Honest. But any single person can probably agree with me when I say that there are moments when loneliness just kicks in. I have my family, I have amazing friends in my life...but...there's just this missing piece in the puzzle. I guess you all know what I'm referring to. No, I will NOT say it...it sounds too cheesy...hehehe...

'Maswerte ka'. My dearest girl friend uttered these two words to me. She was pointing out how lucky I am that I don't end up with the guys I've dated for the past year that I've known her. Simpy put, she believes that these guys don't deserve to have me. Yes, I am too damn good for them! Hehe! Seriously, if she had a choice, she doesn't want me to go through so much pain...she thinks I'm too fragile for that. Aaaaw...ang protective ng friend kow. Labs na labs ko yan eh.

As we were talking...one question kept running on my mind...'maswerte nga ba ako?'.

It is through other people that I would discover the positive side of a supposed depressing situation. I usually despair when a 'relationship' has ended before it even had begun. But her words..those two strong words...'maswerte ka' -- made me realize that these upsetting situations would actually work for my advantage. I will learn. I will be wiser. And if I could avoid it, I would not get stuck in a relationship wherein my time and effort were wasted.

Thanks bes..I almost forgot how wonderful it is to be single..until you said those words to me.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

I only keep growing...

It's just strange, even when I'm hating the world and wishing it'd go away, I still find myself being entirely pure in my reasoning and thought.

I am aware that I owe a lot to the people close to me...and for that I beg for apology, but mostly I owe myself more time to pamper, to cultivate, to create. Am I just too darned volatile for my own good? Be that as it may, I am confident to say that I can very well adapt to the changes in my life. I have hurdled many of my life's events -- which can stretch to a complex thing and bounce back to a normal state.

Wonderful things are happening to me…I am not ungrateful, but sometimes I wonder if I deserve it all. I know I do...I just have to keep reminding myself of that...

So I might as well face the day, because I only get wiser as the days go on. I only learn a little more with each trial I face. I only keep growing...

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Hope for me yet...

Who am I trying to fool? I can be bitter. I can get angry. I can feel hopeless. But I am still the same girl who thought she could step into a mirror and find herself somewhere else. I still wish on stars. I keep drifting off in daydreams. I have faith in the world.

That is who I am.

Of course, I have bad days...I have bad weeks. But I've never had bad months or a bad whole year. No, I don't let it last that long.

Life is too short to hold on to grudges and to build walls around you and to pretend like nobody else but yourself matters. It might be easier, it's definitely easier, but it doesn't feel nearly as good as it does to forgive someone and let someone new into your life and give your time and thought and compassion away.

It's worth it. I know it doesn't feel that way sometimes. I know it seems impossible sometimes. But it is. This is what I tell myself. This is what I need to remember.

There's hope for me, yet.