so we won the grand prize. i'm not surprised at all. :P

yes, the rumors are true...there are only 2 accounts in Sykes: Macromedia and others.
don't hate us 'coz we're the best. we just can't help it. ;) blog ko to, wlang aangal.

i've never felt how united the team was until last saturday. nothing can compare to our team. we're really a family. i looove you guys!



photoblog na ito!!! sayang wlang sunset pics. binagyo kme sa subic. :(



my constant out-of-town picture partner :D



parang may naligaw sa likod ng bus...



wlang manager manager dto...basag lahat! :P



pawis pawis nalang! ang saya saya! :D



Nene and the Virgins. uhm, nanalo lang naman kme. grand prize lang naman :P



best friends



my kindred



i was sitting beside a celebrity! hehe. sikat na si Orange! aaaww!



macromedia peeps -- all out support for the band!

wake up call?


i was THIS close to getting that massage and body scrub yesterday. i eagerly called the spa's number at 9:30am and was surprised to hear a sleepy voice on the other end. uhm...bahay yata tong tinawagan ko. :| like any other establishment, i expect that they open around 10am. much to my disappointed, i found out that they won't open until 1pm. darn. eh tulog na ko nun eh!

...the downside of working on graveyard shift. :/


^_^


wedding bells...i don't hear it


my mother is slowly trying to talk me into getting married. with every chance she gets, she'd ask me this question: "kelan ka magpapakasal?" --> hearing this is something i dread. it ties with the question, "why are you single?" as the-number-1-question-i-don't-have-the-answer-to. :| MM peeps, akalain nyo, nde ko sya kayang i-explain?

never can i remember a time that i've actually written something reflective on my being single. i've been long convinced that i am indeed normal and happy being single. but with a mother bugging me about marriage, and a gay friend who frankly tells me "ok lang yan jarjar, may mga tao talagang ttandang mag isa", i'm beginning to wonder if i'm ever gonna get married. :S

i was a late bloomer in relationships. i first had a boyfriend when i was 20. i enjoyed my teenage years and being single at that time was -- believe it or not -- by choice. now i feel that my singlehood is by default. *gulp*

and i quote my mom..."sa buhay ng babae, dalawang okasyon ang importante: debut at kasal. ikaw nakapag celebrate ka naman ng 18th bday mo. kasal nalang, kelan? lahat meron na para sa kasal mo...groom nalang kulang."

talaga lang ah? :) so may reception na, caterer, florist, gown, etc etc? :P

hmmm...at least there's one thing that my mother and i agree on...i'll have a beach wedding. woohoo!!! :D

i hate the way people ask you what's wrong like they don't know what's happening.

well, they really don't. they absolutely have no clue that they are the reason for your pain, anger, sadness. :S

i wish everyone were created to become sensitive to other people's feelings. i try hard to understand and accept the fact that boys will be boys and sensivity is something hard to crack in them. but c'mon, can't you at least try? it wouldn't hurt yah know.

maybe it's all about the macho thing...

...tsk tsk tsk.


^_^


...i really need to get a massage. am sooo stressed. :|

-f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s-


~*~
ever had one of those dreams that made you sad?
sad, because it felt so real.

felt.


~*~
peculiar as it may sound, i'm starting to wonder if there's a "right side of the bed"


~*~
true love? i have yet to find mine.

i'm afraid that he'd be overwhelmed by the love i'll give him.

i am a complete person. i won't say that my significant other will "complete me", but i know that when he comes into my life, he'd still get 100% of everything from me.

i'll make him the happiest man on this planet.


~*~
i'm really trying my best to "seize the day", everyday.


~*~
a phone conversation that made me emotional today:

gy_zombie: "babalik ako sa bahay...kukunin ko yung food"

Tikya: "ah, akala ko kung ano nangyari sa auto. tuwing ttawag ka kse problema dala mo".


salamat ah :S

celebrating my tears


i used to cry alone in my room. but even in the confines of own my room, i couldn't wail at my loudest and actually let my frustrations/pain/sadness out. i still feel that i am holding back my real emotions.

somehow i found a new "venue" for weeping...

i blinked...and realized that i was in tears. soft, silent tears that turned into loud sobs and staggered breaths. i was competing with the volume of the stereo. this usually happens when it rains....and when i'm driving alone.

it's a miracle that i get to my destination unscathed. prayers do help. yes, i actually talk to God when i cry. and that's when i cry the loudest.

i continue to drive with my eyes blurry from tears. i can't drive forever...i know i have to stop and turn off the engine soon. i just hope that i can do the same with my tears.

people think that i'm strong. but even strong people cry. and i get tired of being this strong woman. i've put up a wall for protection from the cruelties of this world.. but i destroy that same wall when i need to console myself.

meet my folks


help me comprehend why guys are terrified to meet the girl's parents.

oh, and i'm referring to the dating stage. i would understand if the guy is already the boyfriend -- because judgment (or misjudgment) is bound to take place. isn't it supposed to be easier to meet the folks if you're just casually going out? you're practically just friends. right?

meet the 'rents. hang out with the kid. it's just like a barkada gimmick.

this was the reason why my best guy friend decided to postpone his date with the girl i'm trying to set him up with. the girl's parents are strict. and that was why she wanted to be picked up at her house rather than to meet him elsewhere.

"it's not like you're gonna marry her! she just wants you to meet her folks!", i pointed out. i wasn't done talking yet when he blurted, "exxxxaaactly! i'm not gonna marry her. we're going out on a date. why should i meet her parents?" (with matching eyes rolling and the most agape face i've ever seen)

i just couldn't relate. maybe because i don't share the same..uhm..."fear" of meeting the folks. i honestly wouldn't mind if i happen to be introduced to the parents of a guy i'd be dating. i know it's not a big deal to meet them, but i wouldn't be uncomfortable with that kind of situation either.

ugh..why am i even contemplating on this. i myself don't make it a habit of introducing my dates to my parents. oh, except my prom dates waaaay back in high school. hehe.

hmm..when the time comes, bibiglain ko nalang sila..."ma, pa...meet my...husband." :P

awkward stage skipped. hehe. nde rn...nuninuninu...

i take after you. everyone admires you. who wouldn't? you're the most industrious person i know. you're smart; a walking calculator; you possess kick ass PR skills; you've got a big heart, you share without asking anything in return.

but sometimes your presence brings out the worst in me. i don't know if you do it deliberately. even if you're well aware of what ticks me, you don't care. you seem to know just the wrong buttons to press.

if it's true that daughters become their mothers...then should i be worried?

every time i remember the instance that you labelled me as the black sheep in the family, it puts me to tears. see..i'm crying now...

someday, you'll be proud of me. and you'll be telling my friends and your friends good stuff about me.


*deep sigh*

thirsty for solitary time


i love talking to people -- sensible talks or otherwise. but there are moments, usually rare moments, that i want to wear a shirt screaming "i choose to be anti social today". i don't even want to say it, so i hope the shirt will do the job of getting my message across.

but that's one thing that i find difficult to do at the office. had i done that, for sure people will ask me "are you okay?" a million times. interacting is second nature to us. and deciding to be by yourself for a while is something we'd rather consider bizarre here. if anything, i know that this is still a normal human reaction. we sometimes just wanna be alone for no apparent reason.

i miss spending time with me -- uninterrupted quality time with me, me and me.

i'm gonna do that today.


::::::

this was the first week of MA classes. well, supposedly.

despite endless pieces of advice i got that i shouldn't bother attending classes during the first week, i still went to UP. i arrived on time. i sacrificed my precious sleep just so i could go to school. classes were cancelled (one professor actually went home to have dinner! without letting us know! we should've dined out as well). *sigh* i should've listened to them. but the good school girl attitude in me will not wear off that easily. i don't remember any incident in my academic history that i cut class. i'm no goody two shoes, but i was always present in all my classes. sa work lang pumalya..hehe..may mga SL talaga ko. can't help it. nobody said it was healthy to work on graveyard shift.

i'd give anything to get a decent day job that i love, and that will work with my class schedule as well. i guess i'm gonna be stuck here for a while...

haaay..naudlot na naman ang pag resign ko. i swear, nde na ko seseryosohin ng HR pag nag submit ulet ako ng resignation letter!!!!

when seizing the moment means everything to you


while the rest of the world is getting a glimpse of the whole picture, i pay attention to the tiniest details.

little unnoticed details that you just let slip through the cracks.

i don't.

i like rewinding episodes of my life on my mind. over and over again. i would've probably enjoyed it if i had a JARJAR TV (think ED TV). everything is recorded and every moment is captured.

i know sometimes you find it strange that i stare at you. i do this only because i am certain that getting this opportunity is rare. very rare. it's not only time that is borrowed here.

but i was prepared for this. and returning what was borrowed finally took place.

now all that's left with me are vivid images that i keep replaying on my mind. images like the way you wrinkle your nose; the way you bite your lower lip and wink at the same time; how you let your eyebrows meet when something puzzles you; the easy mood in the way you walk and carry yourself. all these. and more. moments...so brief that you barely notice them.

the universe is in a rush, and i'm here -- wanting to put everything in slow motion so that i could see them all. freeze. frame. savor.

I really dont know what to write I am moved to all kinds of feelings and thoughts. I see a very special spirit inside you and someone who is on her way to having a wonderful full life as soon as she learns to not worry and enjoy. We are promised nothing but always receiving so much more than we ever thought. Life is a very long road you must find out first if you will let God make a way for you or you make your own way. I can tell you which is easier, but you already know. Do not worry he knows we are all imperfect. That's the greatest thing, that we are loved and can give that love so easily.


...such deep insights, coming from someone i don't even know. he just happened to stumble upon my profile and sent me the message above.

if i become blind at times, God has a way of letting me realize the beauty of life through someone else's eyes.

yes, i am wonderful and life is an amazing gift. why did i need a stranger to remind me of that?

pondering on his statements, i am once again awakened that we get so much more than ever thought...or sometimes, more than we actually deserve. and little by little, i am learning not to worry too much and am taking time to appreciate life's simple pleasures.

QUEUE!!!!


i thought i'd only hear this word at work. perhaps it's the most commonly used word at call centers. =)

but when i got to UP last wednesday, i wanted to scream "queue!!!" with all my might.

i forgot how bad enrollment season can be. especially in UP.

i've been queueing at UP since wednesday, and later after shift, is gonna be the most dreaded day. it's the last day for registration/enlistment/assessment etc. etc.!

i'm frustrated and harassed, to say the least. i think the only time i smiled during this whole application process was when i got hold of the letter of admission. i think i missed the fine print that says "this is your only moment to smile. you're about to lose your patience and strength once you start with the registration.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".

goddess morwen and i have been trying to get in touch with the graduate studies office -- inquiring about registration schedules, enrollment, etc. etc. we always get the same answer "try calling again after this date..so and so. we don't have the information yet". what good is an information office if you don't have any information? duh! i've been to two beach outings already (and 2 shades darker =P) and we still haven't heard from them.

thursday was no better. i arrived early in UP...only to get this number -- 191!!! huwaaaattttt?!?!??!?!?! just when i thought that it could get worse...it did get worse...."wla pong guarantee na matatawag kayo today". eh malamang lamang noh...eh ang number kong 191 eh sa 2nd batch pa. may 1st batch pang 300. *faints* "pwede na kayong kumuha ng number for tomorrow". i expected a good number...line of 2 or 3. they gave a small piece of cut folder with the number 97. haaaaay. wla nakong magagawa.

i really wouldn't care falling in line today as long as i get everything done. and i'm so lucky to have my VL approved for tonight -- on short notice. this enrollment actually calls for an emergency leave.

in the meantime, i posted more pictures from la union. nature pictures help me relax..i stare at these sunset/beach pictures whenever i'm stressed out...



outdoor lunch



jarjar and the sunday movie group (that sounds like a band's name..hehe)



kame ulet =)



aaaaaahhhh!!!



drinking session



nice lizard shot huh



at white beach



sleepy on a sunday morning



look for my seahorse tattoo-turned-allergy-turned-bruise



blue waters at white beach



looks like a painting dba? =)



i think that i shall never see a poem lovely as a tree

calm waters and beautiful sunset


after several ocular inspections to different beach sites (courtesy of some soccomm peeps and friends), ping-pong communication with Dory, endless committee meetings and IM chats, constantly updating the attendance sheet, stretching my patience in understanding other people's stubbornness and uncooperative attitudes, venting my frustrations to the active committee members....the team building finally pushed through.

whew!

mind you, last friday's incident almost made me want to quit the whole thing. these people simply didn't act their age. it's bad enough that the committee members are not getting paid (or even getting any perks) for organizing such events, what's worse is when we have to put up with people who are very uncooperative, not to mention, ungrateful!

but the actual team building more than made up for my bad mood last friday. despite the looooong trip, we did have fun. i went for a swim on all 3 days of our stay -- which explains why i'm 2 shades darker now. the hell with people's comments. as Orange would say, "you went out and had fun. your color is your proof that you were at the beach, aside from the pictures". hmmm, well said. =)

i've always loved watching the sunrise/sunset. since i couldn't count on myself to wake up early that weekend, i relied on catching the sunset instead. and i did! 2 sunsets in a row! we took fabulous sunset pictures. i'm always in awe everytime i see these pictures. i can sense a new blog skin to take place any minute now. hehe.

i especially enjoyed our night swims. i dipped in the water with friends, but every time i back-floated, i felt that i was alone. blissfully alone. it was so relaxing. i relished the feeling of watching the moon shining on my face. i learned how to find my center...to shun all the voices around me...to dismiss my colleague's constant teasings about my twins, my sleeping habits during out of town trips, and my closeness to TM. sometimes their teasings can really get to my nerves, but i choose to counter it with a smile. a hurt smile. knowing the truth lies deep within me and none of them is the wiser. it's the most they could do so I let them be.

i wanted to breathe those moments in la union. i wanted to breathe everything in...and not ever breath out. more than anything, the vacation fed my soul. and i feel simply peaceful.



some pictures from the team building:



one of the lovely sunset pictures taken in la union



sunset pic with the peeps this time =)



after a night swim



team 4 -- bitter but beautiful (walang aangal!)



who's that girl? drunk or sleepy?



sunday breakfast



after a swim at white beach



at the plaza. tama bang upo yan ng babae?



there's no stopping us in taking pictures. kahit sa jeep magkkuha ng picture, kahit mahulog na yung nagkkuha!



another sunset pic with the Macromedia peeps



ima try to upload more pics next time! =)
ang lalaki ng pics pa ren..bwehehehe....

rear foot always seems heavier


yes bes, one of your lil speeches hit me...yet again.

one cannot completely move on unless he lifts both feet forward. moving on is never easy, and we usually find ourselves leaving the rear foot behind -- wanting to leave but holding back. *sigh*

why do we have to give up on certain things that make us absolutely happy? how do we make sense out of it? =( somehow, there is no point. so we make up for the lack of significance by convincing ourselves that there is a reason behind all this. soon, we've given up comprehending or the issue has long been over (whichever comes first) and yet we still haven't found that reason.

3 days to go!!! Boracay na!!! woohoo!!!

Nemo is joining us! :) yipee!!!

~~oo~~

I realized that after all has been said and done, I really am still a head over heart kinda girl. When I put my mind to it, anything is impossible. Kenzo was right when he told me that I'm too special for that. I deserve better. Why do I need someone to remind me of that?

I had to get out before the damage gets worse.

Oh yeah...and I miss Kenzo. I consider him the sweetest guy friend I know. Sparks have long been gone between us, but he still makes me feel every inch special and loved.

*sigh*

i'm losing it...

and i'm not even gonna try to save it. i've been waiting for this moment. miracles do happen.

please don't stand in the way and ask me to stay.

i may not have the chance to experience this moment again. one day, you'll thank me for doing this. i'm sure you will.

i just looove this sunset picture in Boracay (Diniwid Beach). i feel calm every time i look at this pic.

thanks to my budding photo artist friend Benneth, i now have a new blog skin and desktop wallpaper. weeeeee!!!


note to my kindred:

i also love the sunset pics we took in Galera last month. but i'd rather use this one where our wacky faces are not included. hehe...

i can't wait for our Boracay trip this May! i'm hoping that i can finally take this mission off my list of "things to do before i die". well..i actually don't have such list, but stepping foot in Bora is something that i've been wanting to do for a long looong time now.

i know i haven't worked my butt off compared to the "organizers" of this trip...but i hope i can still do something to help. to Twin, Deej and Kirbs (a.k.a. April Boy), i wanna thank you guys from the bottom of my broken heart (Pachuch, peram ng linya) for making this trip possible. love you! mwah!

ey twin, get well soon!!!!!! hugs!

moments of reticence


if i could, i'd take each one of you to a quiet garden on an unclouded day and we'll talk. i have a very fervent sense of the things that I want to say -- and there's a lot of things that i want to say. but i'm finding it hard to talk lately. I feel mistrusftul and voiceless.

i probably -- no, i DON'T -- owe you anything; i am allowed to keep as much as i want to myself. but the truth is, i want to be loud and fearless as i've been. there are times that i am raring to share stories of my adventures and plans. but i don't know if you'd even care to hear them, so i never do. time will pass, and soon, everything will be so yesterday.

the unhypocritical stories, i know, are those filled with pain, honesty and beauty. stories that i'm dying to hear. stories that i would want to share. i just need the courage to tell them.

i am trying to find my voice again. i trust that wherever it is, i'll find my stength there as well.

moments of reticence can be good. i am in no rush. what the heck are we in a hurry for, anyway? i know that i will find an unfeigned person who will listen to me with eager ears.

in the meantime, i will relish the silence.

the space between who we want to be and who we are seems to shrink and expand depending on where we are in our lives. it's healthy if we just try to be patient through all of the journey.

Personality Analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Sun Apr 11 15:57:36 2004


Your Existing Situation

Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these
qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and
enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.
--> i generally seek for something new and exciting.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still
important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest.
As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that
will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of
being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly
enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her
nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at
peace when she has finally reached her goal.
--> i really have a great passion for life and i deem it significant that it must not be wasted.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and
difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to
achieve satisfaction from sexual activity. Circumstances are restrictive
and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time
being.
--> making sacrificies was never easy an easy task. but that's what i have to do in the situation i am right now...


Your Desired Objective

Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she
can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.
--> all of us want to feel that we belong.


Your Actual Problem

Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free
herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the
things she wants.
--> peace of mind. peaceful and stress free life. that's all i want.


~~~
The preceding results were generated last week. I tried taking the quiz again today. I just want to find out if anything has changed. Well, everything has, except for my "stress sources". And I really think that this quiz is almost 100% reliable. Below are the results when I took the quiz the 2nd time. My comments are again inline...
~~~


Personality Analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Mon Apr 19 05:16:13 2004.


Your Existing Situation

Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation.
Wants to feel exhilarated.
--> yup yup. i participate in things that stimulate me. even if it's work related. just like the recently concluded qbr! hehe.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still
important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest.
As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that
will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of
being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly
enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her
nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at
peace when she has finally reached her goal.
--> i've always believed that i am a goal oriented being.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither
properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being
compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of
emotional involvement. Circumstances force her to compromise and to
forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical
satisfaction from sexual activity.
--> all of these statements just hit the spot, baby! CONFORM!!! which i absolutely abhor! i hate having to sacrifice my personal freedom.


Your Desired Objective

Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will
permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new
and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.
--> definitely true. i am at a point where i'm making a major decision that will affect me both adversely and favorably. is that stressful enough?


Your Actual Problem

The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants
leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of
illusory or meaningless activities.
--> simply put, don't mess with me. *wink*



"I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it."

i know that in the eyes of the majority, i am a pernicious person.

i am far from being an angel. i know. but someone who would play God and take matters into his own hands is even more unforgiving. i can probably criticize once in a while, but if i have to, i do it constructively and i do it only to the people who ask for it.

no, i am not like you. you, who treat people like trash and categorize them into "biodegradable", "non-biodegrable" and "recyclable". only, you have a more interesting classification...the "lovely, the sullen, and the selfish".

you have placed me in the last group. oh, and did you care to consider if your conclusion was indeed just and correct? as i've stated once, we should be judging people not by the standards we keep, but by the standards they themselves hold.

the root of misjudging is when we judge solely with our eyes, and not with our ears. could you have at least talked to me and listened to what i had to say, you would've probably gained a wiser and more mature insight to all this.

i used to hate people like me. people who are hated by the society because their actions are against the norms. but the tables have turned the moment i was put in their situation. being so gave me a deeper perspective on what they are going through.

i am hurting. badly. and there is absolutely not a thing or a person who can take away the pain. i would have to deal with it -- all by myself. i appreciate all the support i'm getting from the people who care -- who genuinely care -- about me; but the fact still remains...i am broken. and i'm not even gonna try to pick up the pieces and glue them together.

i feel like a prisoner who wasn't given a chance to defend himself in court. but, just like this prisoner, i am not about to give up.
i am not one to simply accept misapprehensions about me.

i am every inch a fighter.


"the battle's almost won...we're only 7 miles from the sun".

gotta fight gotta strike
'cause there's no turning away
from what you don't want to know
gotta see gotta be
if they're all going astray
don't let them take you in tow

you're a one-man shift in the weather
you're the woman who just won't sell
climbing up and ringing the bell

ooh you're gonna make your mark this time
ooh you're gonna set your hope on fire

gotta leave gotta bleed
you've gotta stop lying still
'cause this is no kind of life
you don't need guarantees
you just want something to build
before you turn to the knife

when the streets are aflood like a fever
it's a holiday of the new
we're coming closer now to the truth

gotta move gotta choose
you've got a difference to make
don't watch it happen again
gotta change rearrange
something's bending to break
it's just a matter of when



Hope on Fire
Vienna Teng

anesthetized


maybe it's true...

that time doesn't heal wounds...it just makes you get used to it.

but i was surprised at how soon it could make me get used to it. just this morning i broke down into tears...in front of my best friend. i admitted to her a weakness in me...something that she knew all along even without me saying it. this evening, i have confirmed something i've been wondering about for days now..something probably petty for some. but to me, it should have made me shed a tear or two.

i didn't. i didn't even feel that usual pang in my heart. i dont exaclty know why. i only think that maybe, i'm getting used to it...

...getting used to the melancholic side of my situation. simply put, i'm getting used to the pain.


now i dont know if that's a good or a bad thing.

embracing the moment


"the only permanent thing in this world is change".

true.

there's another important thing i keep learning: "tomorrow is never promised". you can never ever be certain of what's gonna happen. you can only imagine...hope...desire. i try to live each day one at a time. but there's this part of me wanting to get a glimpse of the next chapter, or at least a page of it.

one friend of mine who's very observative once told me that i am blessed to have the gift of thought of regarding the past, present and future. i envision the possibilities of events in the future while reasonably wallowing in the past, and yet never losing track of the present. he said that not many people can find time to think about all three. some may drown in the past, others may be paralyzed by the thought of tomorrow. still others, remain stuck to the super glue of the present.

right now, i choose to get stuck in the present. only because it makes me happy. at least i could say that "i am happy", even for just a day.

i am living in the moment. immensely. i savor each day because i know that i won't be able to embrace it forever. i've actually stopped believing in the meaning of forever for most things.

i temporarily want to stop acting on or making plans for the future -- only because this time, in this one aspect of my life, there is one single factor that i am in no control of. and it is also because of this that i am not able to do anything. i just take things as they come.

i am hanging on. and maybe this is a risk -- getting into something you know which is ambiguous. that's the irony of it -- you are certain that this matter is UNCERTAIN.

whatever tomorrow will bring, i will always be thankful of the events that happened TODAY.


This line from a movie aptly describes what i'm feeling now:

"When you crash into something beautiful, you hold on to it until it's time to let go..."

"...and now is not the time."

-- Under the Tuscan Sun

maybe the reason why you become so miserable at times is because you can't take life "as it is". you get so frustrated over the things that you have absolutely no control of. you worry so much even if you are fully aware that you've done everything you could to disentangle a knot in your life. if you honestly believe that you've exhausted all our resources and know for a fact that there could still be a flaw, why not just give up? accept whatever inevitable that will occur -- and reward youself with a good night's sleep.

it's the same thing as accepting the people you love for "what they are". you don't question why they're stubborn or absurd or impatient or moody. you just take them in your life and love them just the same. so do yourself a favor and stop questioning some of life's undeviating events -- no matter how horrible they may be.

you'll survive anyway...and so will the rest of the world.

now you can say "that's life!" -- and be convinced of that.

starved soul


it's not only that i'm getting sick of my job. there's something more. i really can't complain, everything about my job is manageable. but it has become so routinary. i am finding less and less reasons to get out of bed to get ready for work. i practically drag myself to go to the office.

i always knew that i would eventually take up further education -- an M.A. and probably a PhD too. i figured that i wouldn't apply until 2005 or so. but 2 weeks ago, i have decided -- almost abruptly -- to FINALLY start my M.A. Studies this June. and i am convinced that the reason for my hasty decision is my constant quest to challenge myself. if i can't find enough challenge inside the office, i have to find it elsewhere. i will lose my over all zest for life if i am generally bored.

i filed my resignation on that very same day that i decided to pursue my M.A. Studies. my parents thought it best that i stay away from graveyard shift work while studying. but when i think of the financial independence that i'm about to give up once i become a full time student...uh-oh..im having second thoughts. i am not the same young daughter who is waiting for her allowance. and i guess i have been given a sign (a clear answer is more like it) in this new decision -- my father said something that almost literally made me hear that "ting ting ting" in my ear. i don't want to burden my family in terms of money. i want to be of help. i don't want any unnecessary confrontations in the future.

my manager was nice enough to tell me that there'd be no problem if i change my mind about my leaving. i felt flattered -- but not entirely convinced to reconsider staying. i told her that i will decide until tomorrow. i'm giving this more thought especially after she told me today that Q.A. dept. was asking her if i was still interested in the position i applied for.

i know better. my thirst for knowledge could not be the answer to what's bothering me -- that nagging feeling that there's a certain void inside me that i don't know what could fill. i am a starved sould. i could do all things, get all things -- sometimes even more than i deserve -- and yet i'd still feel deprived. so deprived. and lonely.

Twin and i were discussing about this loss of interest and motivation in our work...and these feelings were what broke my "writer's block" (if i had any writer's character to begin with). she walked over to my desk, and when she got the chance to sit on my chair..she typed the following on this blog draft im working on:


I'm bored....
I'm tired..
I wanna resign
I wanna go to the beach..I wanna travel..
I wanna get laid...
I wanna be happy...

bow


hehe..now that made me smile...and it made me feel normal. im not alone.

blunders


people are accustomed to making mistakes; to be at fault once in a while -- or for some -- every now and then in their lives. as a human, i am aware that i will always be imperfect and i will always make mistakes --- but i try not to make them twice. we all learn from every blunder. they become pointers in the journey we take.

we are often too keen on making judgments on people who commit mistakes without having to look on ourselves first. i learned from my friend that our general notion of judgment is based on a self-centered ideal. that shouldn’t be the case. each of us is unique. we should be judging people not by the standards we keep, but by the standards they themselves hold.

we will forever be hurting each other unless we learn to look not into ourselves but outwards to each other. to reach out before we throw. i realized that, it is not me who is constantly smiling and trying to make people smile. i understood perfectly that it is the humanity in me. and i am merely an extension of that humanity.

the shortest distance between hope and despair is a simple "thank you Lord!"

it's a shame that i only become more prayerful when i am most sad. hopeless. miserable.

i remember one of my grade school teachers telling us that when you have a toothache, it's God's way of reminding you that He loves you, that it's His way of making His presence felt. He knows that you'd call on Him when you are in pain. and that's what happened today. there are actually moments when i try to deal with my problems (or mere loneliness) by myself -- forgetting to talk to Him. i can't believe that it even happens.

today, i recalled how it felt to lift everything to Him. and i did just that. i've never been so relieved. not to mention happy. i even thought that i wasn't really lonely -- that i just lost touch with Him for a while. i was spiritually thirsty.

days would seem brighter if i keep in mind that i am doing everything through Him, with him and for Him.

thank you Lord. =)

is it too late to write about valentine's day?


i never thought i'd have quite profound thoughts on the occasion. for the past coupla years, i have dreaded V day. i haven't experienced spending this day with a boyfriend because there was only one February in my life that i had a bf. and at that time, i remember having a quarrel with him a few days before feb. 14. and when V day came, we were both not in the mood to celebrate.

this year, V day's eve was spent at the office. yep, i was on shift! but it was probably the best friday the 13th i have encountered. i've never witnessed a much celebrated V day at work. we had a valentine fair. the photo shoots alone were an amusing episode. i felt ashamed that i didn't participate that much in the preparations for this event. i am part of the socials committee and lately i haven't been socializing, so to speak. i haven't been cooperative. i want to blame the workload for this, but i should look into my attitude. =/ i'm gonna start being good again.

2 days before valentine, Twin and i were discussing how we miss the feeling of receiving flowers. guys will never understand how special it is for a girl to get a bouquet of flowers. even just a single stem is equally special. whether or not there is an occasion. a girl will also never appreciate flowers until she gets a bunch, or a stem.

i thought feb. 14 this year would be the same -- that it would end ordinarily after the usual whistlestop drinking session; that i'd go home with just the new CD (five for fighting) and the jason mraz concert tickets we bought. but things really do happen when you least expect them. i received red roses from this guy. it was special because: 1) it was off-tangent to his personality to give flowers, 2) we were not supposed to see each other that day, 3) he made an effort to make the giving a surprise, and 4) it was valentine's day after all.

so there...my valentine's day ended on a sweet note.


i was never a fan of V day. but i guess that's about to change now...

i realized that celebrating love is wonderful, no matter how corny it could be :)


here are some pics from the macromedia valentine fair:



rts team (everyone's favorite! best in costume na to!)



email team



cs gen team



the tl's



twin and i wasting some shots. hehe.



some of the committee peeps with majay



posing with pao and jouie

I'm still in no mood to write. So I'm just gonna post this...



1. I wish... I were happy right now

2. I don't know what to do if... hmmm...I have yet to be in a situation wherein God wouldn't help me what to do. I'm not being righteous, but I believe it's true.

3. Do you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend? name.... none (promise wala :P)

4. If u could change your name, to what would u change it to? Bianca Louise, Denise, Parish Noelle

5. I miss...the feeling of being pampered and extremely loved.

6. If you get stranded on an island and you could only
bring 5 people for company, who would it be? And why? my family. 5 na sila. no explanation necessary.

7. I love...life. even if it sucks sometimes

8. The person/s I would NEVER forget...Cy, RG, Weh

9. If I could do one thing all over again...nah, I woouln't change anything.

10. I'd rather... be happy than famous.

in a rut


every minute, i am finding more reasons to be all alone. i delight every moment of it. and never have i looked forward to coming home straight from work. today, i spent 11 hours in my bed sleeping. sarap!

i haven't heard so many bad news all at the same time. life can be cruel. and although i believe that there will be better days ahead, i can't help but feel glum..and this feeling will drag on for a while.

i feel unwanted, unappreciated, abandoned, unimportant.

life, especially my work, is becoming a routine. a boring, dry and unchallenging routine. i need a long paid vacation. i want to be extracted from the busy life of the city. even the most sociable person needs solitary time. i love my friends and i appreciate their company. but i just want to be by my myself, for now.

me, myself and i. that's all i've got.


i want to be invisible.

luminous sky



i had a vision. you tried to conceal your true insights. i may have held your hand or seen the shadow you desperatey tried to fight. you wandered off and followed the feather. the wind blew it fast. you didn't catch it in your hands.

think of the good intentions you had before you blame yourself. every man is a man of need. and even if you were covered in delicate blanket, you can still emerge unprepared and vulnerable.

no one expected the fall. no one expected the great lengths. no one expected the promptness. they all promised you the dance of life. complete with all the glitters. they still made you get down...

we were all innocent. your utmost needs may have gone unforgiven, but you still kept an open mind, an open heart, a free spirit.

i had a vision. a man with a marked distinction. a man who offered an enormous amount of love.

a man of need. a pure soul.

not exactly empty handed



the key is to walk out the door with conviction, like you have somewhere really important to go. keep your head up, because you are larger than life. it is moments like this when you really have to look straight ahead, never back. stay focused. go fast. and never, ever pause to converse, because they might induce you to stay.

i am not weak after all. i can be firm and i still manage to be resilient at any given situation -- or at least i try to.

some people mistake me, they only see what they wanna see; they only hear what they wanna hear. that phase is over now.

and you...if you could't agree with me, i apologize. i just can't keep pretending. i'm packing my bags 'cause i don't wanna be the only one who's drowning in their misery. please understand that i took that chance 'cause I just wanna breathe. it's so much better to embrace the truth than to live a lie.

and i won't look back and wonder how it's supposed to be...


i almost stumbled, but God kept the path lit on the only road i know.

i wish i were numb


and so i did it. i did the right thing.

it took me a while, however, to convince myself that i was doing this for me...and not for the people around me. somehow, i'm still having doubts.

i'm telling you, what i did was far from being easy. it was one of the most difficult decisions i had to make. once again i have felt how it is to sacrifice your own happiness. and i am certain that no matter how you say that you shouldn't care about what other people think or say about you, you can't help but be distracted...and consequently, become affected. i don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, because at some point you lose your own sense of shrewdness when you're drowning in their voices.

i never had the chance to tell them what i really felt in all those times i was caught in that storm. i don't think they realized that the seemingly harmless teasing they engaged in went overboard. it's simply sickening.

i just wish they can already put an end to this...the same way that i have.

an empty cage that has no key



have you ever felt like all people are against you? yes, even your friends -- especially your friends.

today i spent a few hours at the mall. all by myself. i desperately wanted to talk to someone, or to at least have somebody there to hold my hand. but i didn't know who to call. or maybe i did...but i know all too well that it wasn't a good idea. i didn't need someone to lecture me at that time. i just wanted some company. i felt so alone. and it was lonely. ugly.

before i knew it, tears started to fall from my eyes.

is it hardnosed to say that they don't understand me? probably. but that's what i feel. why do people make a living out of making claims? they can spend hours chatting about you, but can't have the audacity to talk to you -- THE ONE WHO IS DISTURBED -- even for just a minute.


today, more than ever, i feel that my life's measures are not for them to evaluate.


don't say that you understand. because you don't. you simply DON'T. it's a big picture to grasp in that little stern head of yours.


i would rather feel to much than nothing at all. yes, even the pain will be all worth it in the end.

i've been playing this song for a week now. i just looooove it! so much! =)

Twin and I have been trying to get a copy of Sarah McLachlan's "Afterglow" album. we're having a hard time. :/ *sigh*




Fallen

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin out with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear.



weekend na! woohoo!! i'm looking forward to tomorrow's dinner with my college buds. i'm also gonna meet up with my colleagues after that to have a despedida gimmick for mother Len.

come sunday, i'm finally gonna be able to watch Return of the King. yey!

happy weekend everyone!

set off



what if all this time i've had it all wrong? i've been trying to hold on to so much and maybe i should just let go. let go of the the things i think i need, let go of the feelings i don't want to forget, let go of the memories i am afraid will disappear from my mind. let go, and make room for more.

there have been moments in my life when i've lost and felt that a part of me has died. i had to acknowledge such tragedies. what was experienced was learned, and what was learned would not be forgotten. i lived. that was enough.

i am still so young, and there is so much more to get/feel/learn/live. it's nice just to swim in the moment, sometimes, without worrying about what others think, without trying to record every detail, without planning the way it ends. i am going to try to do more of that. i just don't want to waste any more time.



* * * * * *


Reaching upward
I'm earthbound
Daydreamer wake me up
I'd welcome the interruption
I'm realizing that I am chronically spaced
Be quiet I just need to hear myself -- think
Loud and uncontrolled
Totally aware that I know
But not enough to pull back
And let things go
High-strung and high-waisted
If I whine it's not earnest
I'm just unloading some weight
Maybe I should stop praying for a miracle
and savor every morsel that I've been served
It's all up to me

walking on egg shells



second time around.


it's happening again. i am the main menu of people's breakfast/lunch/dinner. they savor every bite. they enjoy even the tiniest crumbs -- even if it's tasteless and crap.


i have experienced this before. the only difference this time is, the people involved right now are people who are dear to me. people i actually care about. and that....simply hurts.


i know what they see appears to be wrong. ok ok, i know that there is some truth to that. but does talking behind my back help? what do they really know about what's happening??? ONLY I know about that.


some of them have brazen out this issue with me upfront. that's fine. and i'd rather that they question me directly than discuss it with other people who make conclusions purely based on whatever story they fancy.


love is crazy. i am convinced of that. and i perfectly understand the genuine concern they have for me. i have been given sound advice of the situation that i'm getting into. i prolly know all the right things to do...but i don't understand why something so wrong feels so right.


call me stupid. hollow. erroneous. label me with all kinds of harsh words. i'll take everything. perhaps i deserve to be called such things. but i also know that i deserve to be happy. only, my happiness this time is being judged.


i don't owe the world an explanation. i just wish that they'd somehow, even just for a moment, put themselves in my shoes.

and it does wonders if you sometimes think outside of the box.


if anything, i am grateful that i have true friends who care about me. these are the people who never fall short of becoming the epitome of what true friendship is.


in all honesty, i'd like to follow every piece of advice they give me.



...it just ain't easy...

Time, where did you go? Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don't go so fast
I'm missing the moments as they pass
Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time


I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
I should've known better
I shouldn't have wasted those days


Now this is my time
I'm going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn't have wasted those days)
I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
I've looked in the mirror
My world's getting clearer
So wait for me this time


Time
Chantal Kreviazuk

biting wit



what do every human being seek for?

love.

we all want to be loved. but it all depends on our own perception on how we should be loved. i can get lonely when i'm alone and i start feeling that im not special. but hey, i've got my friends. they love me unconditionally.

so why do we still seek for that romantic kind of love? is it really essential?

love is a chance, but it's also a choice.

we must follow our hearts, but mind over heart has to be practiced too.

we give the perfect advice to our friends, but we can't follow our own.

we say that we don't care what other people say, but deep inside we still want to please them.

we are humans and we have the highest level of thinking, but we can get stupid.

we know how to untangle a knotty situation, but can't seem to do it.

we know we're gonna get hurt if we go a certain path, but still opt to take that risk.



there are just so many ironies in life...

** author's note: the entry below is something i wanted to write at the end of 2003. but i just never got around to writing it. here it is now... :) **


halfway through 50


come december time, most people tend to recollect events that happened during that year. i am one of those people. and this habit is something i am usually bent on taking seriously. not only do i reflect because the year has just ended, but also because i celebrate my birthday during the same month. mine becomes a "double recollection" so to speak.

i have just turned 25 -- i am halfway through 50. one friend asked me "halfway through 50? you talk like you're only gonna live til 50!"


well, i guess so. i keep telling my close friends that i don't want to live a loooong life. so hitting 50 would be like a milestone for me. if i'm already halfway there, that means i must have achieved at least a fraction of my goals. but sometimes i feel like i haven't even begun. i have goals to achieve when i hit 30, 40 and 50. i am 5 years shy from my first target and i haven't had enough guts to go out of my comfort zone. i have always admired people who have survived living on their own. perfect example would be my best friend Pornz. she's been through a lot. and she has managed to turn those trials into triumphs. i look up to her. i hold her with such high regard. ** love you bes :) **

i don't want to belittle myself. i know i have done some remarkable things. but i also know that i should have done better at most occasions.

it's never too late though. just realizing that i have to better myself is already a step forward. that's a good sign. right? right. (",)

i wish that this year would really bring more fortunes to everyone. despite the hardships, i know we will get through.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!


may all your dreams come closer to coming true.

all the best!

mwah!

keeping the balance


there's this fine line between waiting and acting, and i am standing on it right now.

and i want to know it all, already. answers. meanings. purposes. truths.
but i know, i know. patience is a virtue. i want to be virtuous, i want to be wise, i want to laugh in the face of the world that says everything must happen faster than the carpool lane and the cable modem. i do.

it's a balance, isn't it. knowing when to say now and when to say later, when to say this isn't enough and this is just fine. it's something i haven't quite yet figured out, so i just stand here, very still, hoping i don't lose my balance and fall.

what i'm feeling right now...expressed through these lines...



in too deep

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep

So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me

It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life Just caring bout somebody else


::::::


"I believe there is a place where the restless souls wander. Burdened by the weight of their own sadness, they cannot enter heaven.... And so they wait, trapped between our world and the next, endlessly searching for a way to rid themselves of their pain- in the hope that somehow, someday they will be reunited with the ones they love. If two people really love each other, nothing can keep them apart."


::::::

"I don't understand a God who would allow us to meet and not let us be together."


::::::

Love is bitter, yet it is the bread that keeps us.
Over and over it fills us up, only to starve us.


::::::

I fight the misery that entangles my soul
Struggling to render it innocuous


::::::

This pain lingers in my heart, mind and soul
Damn it - why is this world so cold

what are you supposed to do when your feelings are unrequited? you move on. you don't want to stop talking or calling or caring, but you have to. it's all you can do to hold it together. each time you touch -- physically or emotionally -- it just hurts.

but what happens when you miss the person, anyway? you feel weak and defeated, but the only strength you ever had came from the very person who turned you away. all your hope, you spilled into this person, this relationship, this future, and now you must take it back. which is hard because you, like, would rather not deal with it at all.

it was my first time to spend my birthday outside the Philippines (even if it was just HK). it felt wonderful. and i had the best travel companions too. :)

i can't put into words how happy i was (or still am)...so am gonna stop typing now. hehe...


basta we had a blast.

christmas party of the year


Macromedia Christmas Party
Atchie's Bar, Orient Square
13 December 2003


i would've called it party of the year, but with macromedia, every party is always a success! we work hard, we party hard!

here are some pictures:




twin and jarjar



goofing around



socials committee girls



happy party people



vodka cruiser blueberry lips



chow time



yosi time

and my week just had to start this way...


what's equally painful as getting dumped?

it's getting accepted for the position that you've almost been dreaming of; assuring you that your transfer to their department won't be a problem; discussing with you your job responsibilities; giving you remarkable feedback from the whole committee; receiving a confirmation from the HR person that will arrange your transfer. only to find out in the end that....they can't afford your services. darn.

is this the downside of being a part of the highly respected and most elite account in our company? your transfer to another account or department would mean risking your decent salary.

i'm almost tempted to say that..."it's ok, i don't mind if you pay me less than what i'm earning now. i just want to do what i love. i want to be able put my teaching/training skills to good use". but no, i'm not that stupid. in this age, no matter how much we deny it, money is a big factor to consider in our lives. it's not that i'm being materialistic, i'm just being practical. and i know that i should get paid what i work for. monetary isssues will forever be a part of us.

and i thought i'd have a verrry exciting and challenging year ahead of me. hah! i thought wrong.

i am hoping that something good will happen to me before this year ends -- just to make up for this frustration. God, if this is your plan...i'd accept it. if there is indeed a reason for everything, help me see it.

the convenience of text messaging


there are some things easier said thru texting than talking face to face.

i don't feel like writing the story behind the text correspondence below. i just want to post it at my blog...i know that after i delete these messages from my phone, somehow i'd like to recall what we "discussed". so im saving it here. these messages are enough for me to recollect what happened on that day -- 11 december 2003.


kenzo: it's obvious dat u dnt wnt me 2 knw wat d problem s. it felt stupid to b n d car. sna wla nlang ako pra nkapagusap kyo ni G. wanted to get out of the d car bt ddnt want 2 be rude.

me: eh kse po...nagseselos ako kanina kay J.P.

kenzo: nde kme aileen. J.P. knws dat i cnt commit kse masyadong magulo buhay ko. kla ko b may bf k n? i did not cmit 2 J.P. bcoz magulo nga. i did nt want u 2 be reeled in2 my stupidly confusing lyf. i do love & respect u too much 2 b stupid & include u in it. Nbody s included n my lyf aileen. m too fucking stupid & scared. dats y m alone. bt dat's nt enuf reason 4 me 2 wnt smone.

me: everybody's lyf s cmplicated. f u tke 4 grantd my feelings, it hurts me a lot. and i get jealous a lot about dem having u & ur cmpany. i hpe u undersnd my point. i nver wantd ds, bt nw m into ds. cn u help me out n establishing wer i stand?

kenzo: God i wish i ws my old self...d reason y m nt being serious with anything s bcoz i fail. i always do. i love u aileen bt i cant b der 4 anybody. i jst dnt want 2 hurt anyone anymore. f u only knw my life. m hurting nw dat i got u into ds. anothr reason 4 me 2 hate myself.



my last boyfriend broke up with me through text. that was 2 years ago. this time, another guy broke my heart through text. sometimes i wanna curse the wonders of technology...it doesn't really bring wonders to me.

i can bet that the next guy who's gonna break my heart would cowardly express it through -- you guessed it -- TEXT!

wow. how personal. how brave.

eh kung wag na kaya ko mag cellphone?!?!?!?!? linket na!

this is me...talking to you...yes you...



i tried my best to get over you
kept my distance so i wouldn't have to show
that the things which i kept hidden by my casual smile
were the things that i needed you to know
you could have seen the acting on the stage
you might have read the writing on the page
you could have noticed that a heart went breaking into two
but you never knew it was i falling for you

sometimes i still think i could get to you
then i laugh and think i could swim the seven seas
it seems when i'm set to fly there's a storm up in the sky
when i'm set to sail there isn't any breeze
you could have seen the acting on the stage
you might have read the writing on the page
you could have noticed that a heart went breaking into two
but you never knew it was i falling for you

it's been some time now that i saw you in a photograph
looking just the way you did so long ago
i could almost see you throw your head back and start to laugh
in that gentle way that used to let me know
things were okay and a hurting song is just a cliche
and what's the use if they only always fade away
just like the sun just like everyone but you


the untitled song
indigo girls

let's make a deal


You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?



Author's note: i made this poem for a dear friend of mine...who is terribly heart broken right now... i wish i could do more to help him heal. and i wish his partner could read this poem. i am as hurt as he is.

after a while


after a while you learn the faint difference between holding a hand and yielding a soul

and you learn that kisses aren't agreements and presents are not promises

and you learn that love doesn't mean propensity and company doesn't mean security

and you begin to accept your defeats with dignity, with the refinement of an adult, not the angst of an immature

and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

and you learn that you really can endure...


that you really are strong,

and you really do have worth.

i just wish...


sometimes...
i wish my mind weren't as deep and my heart weren't as huge. i wish my eyes were not as wide and my dreams were not as wonderful

sometimes...
i wish my thoughts weren't as vivid and my emotions weren't as strong. i wish my intentions were not as profound and my instincts were not as accurate

sometimes...
i wish my concern were not as genuine and my principles were not as significant

sometimes i wish reality can be truly escaped even for just a moment

sometimes i just wish i didn't fall in love with the world so easily

Mr. Right Kind of Wrong...


i can get disillusioned about this...i always meet the wrong boy at the right time. or i always meet the right boy at the wrong time. why won't the two right factors just come together?

i would have admirers (most of whom are the "wrong ones") who would try to please me...and they would somehow make me happy, albeit temporarily. and more often than not, that amusing feeling i get is only superficial.

and so the cycle goes on....and on...and on...

and by the time i meet him (whom we'd like to call the "right one"), he already knows so much about the world and love and life, and he's found "the one" with whom he decides to spend his waking hours.

and i am just this girl. this clever, passionate, loving girl who deserves more. far more than he can offer me.

no...don't tell me that "there is someone out there for you". whoever said that line probably referred "out there" as some place far...very faaaaaaaar...like the outer space.

aaaahh...this is just me being melodramatic.

what's more, they always say it like everyone knows what it is, like it's this object i can grab hold of anytime i pleased.



p.s.
yes, i'm still happy...very much happy today as yesterday...but i just had this moment to reflect on this subject.

pano si jarjar pag masaya...


when i said that "i write better when i'm melancholic", i meant it. really.

see? can you tell that i'm happy these days? yes. at least, for the last two days or so i have been. i am pleased with how this week is turning out to be. God has a way of making you bounce back. last weekend, to my -- and my friends' --frustration, not all of us made it to Alaminos. some old (old as in LOLO!) weirdo stole my dearest friend's overnight bag at the bus station. so there! only 3 (from the original 6) made it to the trip. the other half of the group decided to stay in manila. the latter group still had an equally great time. girl bonding! :)

i'm crossing my fingers...i really hope to get the position i applied for. humility aside, i know i did well in the interview and demo. if i get accepted, i'd be able to put my "explaining" skills to good use. right guys? hehe...


excited na ko sa party ni twin at lon this saturday! woohoo!!!

hmmm...

December na!!!! Yipee!


it's the month of Christmas...and it's also my birth month!

woohoo!!!! =D


i think the usual phase of having the "birthday blues" came early for me this year -- and it only happened for a very brief moment, sometime last week. and i'm surprised with myself that i'm ACTUALLY looking forward to celebrating both my birthday and Christmas. just seeing the bright lights in the streets already gives me that giddy holiday feeling.


grabe...i can't remember the last time that i had this kind of outlook about these 2 significant occasions. i guess it has something to do with the conscious effort on my part to exude the right attitude. i'm giving this season a different approach. happiness can really depend on our decisions..and not just the circumstances.


i just hope that everyone would share the same standpoint as i have right now. ang saya nung lahat kayo masaya sa Pasko dba. :)


wish you all a happy season of loving and sharing. *hugs*

the sun, the sand, the sea....that's where I'll be



Exactly a year ago today, my officemates and I packed our bags and went to Alaminos. It was Thanksgiving holiday and we took advantage of the long weekend.

We're reliving that adventure today! :) We're heading to Alamimos again! Woohooo!!!!

At some point I thought this trip wouldn't push through. It's still a long weekend, but not for everyone this time. Some of my collegues had to work the whole week. And some of them really had a hard time to fit this trip into their schedule.

I'm ecstatic that we're going out of town. This is a much needed break for me. I can't wait to see Hundred Islands again. I remember last year...the moment we saw the breathtaking view...we all suddenly became silent. We were in awe!

I've been through a lot these past coupla days. Unfortunate series of events. I'm really looking forward to this trip.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO MY FRIENDS IN THE US! :)


enjoy your weekend guys! i know i will....

a terrain of scattered thoughts...


and it gets tiring because we keep going in circles.

for the last 20 hours or so i've been questioning myself why i want to invest in something i doubt if i'll ever possess: you

every gesture you showed yesterday just left me perplexed.

how can you be so transparent and mysterious at the same time? geeze. when will this puzzle be completed? i'm crossing my fingers that i would endure this game we're playing. why the hell am i playing along to begin with?

i wish you didn't hold my hand that way...the warmth of your touch just runs through naturally. but had it happened otherwise, i know i'd be disappointed.

oh yeah, my mind is filled with lots of thoughts...uhm...let's see...you...you...and oh yes, you!
trashing the thoughts of you seems to be an incessant battle.

i feel like i've been caught in a storm that's tossing me around. i just let myself get whizzed by it.



***Author's note: Ugh. I didn't know how I'd start writing about this...this...whatever this helluva road I'm treading on! Something's just bugging me...***

no sad goodbyes...



cp: "jan 9 of 03 9pm... nagmeet tau pero I didn't say a word... i just gave u a letter with an instruction that u have to open it after my departure."

y: "what's in the letter?"



I may never get to wake you up, or watch you fall asleep,
or say our prayers together, That God, our souls would keep

I may never feel your soft warm touch, or hold you close at night,
or make you laugh at little jokes just to see your smile so bright.

I may never get a chance to see how majestic your love is, or
feel how sweet and lucky to be loved by you

But this one thing you can count on for sure and I pray that you
will forever hold it near, That this feelings of love that I felt inside are only for you



cp: "ayan at least wlang sad goodbyes"
y: "wow"
y: "this is one of those rare moments that im at a loss for words..."
y: "wow"



even up to this writing, i'm still speechless. i'm still overwhelmed.
thank you for being there for me.

you hold a special place in my heart. :)

the color of tranquility

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

that tingling sensation


In an online lifestyle forum, one of the members posted this question:

"Expert kissers, ano ba ang masarap na kiss?"

At first I didn't want to post a reply. I thought, "ano ba namang tanong yan. we all know what a good kiss is." But when I read some of the responses such as "a passionate kiss from the one you love", "basta with feelings", "a half french kiss" (though I'm not really sure what that last one is). Ayun. napa-reminisce nalang ako bigla.

When was the last time that I felt that kind of kiss? Kaya cge, maki-sagot na nga rin!

Here's what I posted:


masarap na kiss?

it's that kind of kiss that means something to you. a real kiss. a kiss that gives you that tingling sensation all over. *smiles*

i haven't felt a kiss in a long time. i've been kissed, but i haven't felt it. lips have touched mine, yes. but i haven't felt the touch that seeps into your lips and through your mouth and down your throat and floats, floats all the way in a spiral to your toes. no. i haven't felt a kiss in a long time.



Fine. Pathetic na kung pathetic. :P Natuwa lang ako kse kahit pla papano, I've experienced real meaningful kisses. The ones that make me smile when I think about it. Yep, I've also had my share of those kisses that felt nothing right after. At ayoko na yata silang maranasan pang ulet. Naks. :)

I came across this poem and it just hit a spot. I may not be able to relate to this right now...but I've been in the speaker's position more than once in my life.*sigh* looooove! :) I know some of you can relate to it too....



Once Again
Grace Brunelle


Once again I've found myself thinking about you
wondering how pathetic I'd sound, if you ever knew
Once again tears fall and linger streaming down my face
because I've been keeping this flame alive
with memories of past days
Once again I'm on my knees not knowing what to do
because this girl, yet so naive, is so in love with you
Once again I'm waiting to hear, anything from you
if this goes on much longer, i won't know what to do

all relationships are INTERaction


...i am one part...he is one part...and so on...


it really helps when i get to talk to close friends about what's bothering me. one of them reminded me that things are bound to be like this simply because we're family.

i can all try to compensate for whatever affection my brother misses from my dad... but in the end.. it's his perception of things that will make things right. i can only make him feel loved. he is the one who has to choose to accept it as genuine or see it as nothing.

yes, i worry about them. it's a general human emotion because i love them. but i realize that i should not let my life be dictated by the seemingly hopeless situation i am facing now.

i should stop worrying. keep my hopes up..and continue to smile.
if i cannot be happy within myself... how can i share the hope with them...?


and i quote my friend: "parang yosi yan nde mo pede i share yun sindi.. kung yun yosi mo mismo walang sindi..."

cream puff



today i had the chance of chatting with a very good friend of mine. ok, so he was more than a friend. take note -- WAS.

we went back to memory lane. and doing so put a smile on my face.

despite the distance, he has this amazing ability to convey his message in a way that it is almost felt. the words on the messenger just come to life.

i was surprised that up do this date, he can still make me feel special. i almost forgot that at one point in my life, someone has made me feel that way. in the latter months, i had my energies focused on the fact that i am alone, single and unattached...and i've since felt less special and wanted.

i must admit that during those days that he was still wooing me, there was something magical between us. there was that tingling sensation...or simply what we call "kilig". :)

last year, he came home to Manila for a vacation. i passed up the opportunity of spending time with him. i don't know what went wrong..or how it all started, but before i knew it, the captivating feeling started to drift away. it's like sand in your hands...you try to grab as much as you could, but they'd just sift through.

he went back the US. months have gone by. i thought i lost him for good, and that the friendship has died.

slowly, we started communicating again. and the warmth of our friendship is felt more than ever.

as good friends, we've become comfortable with each other again and we can talk about anything. no inhibitions whatsoever. and so today he asked me if he has ever made me feel special. i answered with a solid yes. i wish i could do more than simply tell that to him. and i'm secretly hoping that somehow, i have also made him feel equally special...or at least, a fraction of that sentiment.

sometimes i think maybe it's just good to let words lie.

then they can just be as they intended to be. there. floating. somewhere between you and me and our consciousnesses and a couple thousand miles.

it's okay. you don't have to tell me. i know.

i know the pain, the aching, the deep, dark desire. the apprehension and fear. the doubt and wondering. i know. i see it in you, like i've seen it in me. you feel alone, but you're not. you don't think you'll ever survive, but you will.

i know. you don't have to tell me. it's okay.

taut silhouette


i once told you that you have grown to be a very fine man.

i mean it.

you are a talented individual. you have one of the purest hearts i've ever known. i know that there have been moments when you have felt unwanted, unloved, and unappreciated. harsh words have been directed at you and more often than not, your credibility has been undermined.

ever since you were a kid, the Emperor has belittle you...and you did not fail to notice that. the ache has grown from a speck of dust to a mountain of mess that could have almost destroyed the inner you. you've been stabbed and the scar has always been noticeable.

the way people underestimate you is already a pitiful circumstance to begin with. but what pains me more is knowing that you see yourself the same way that others see you. why do you believe your worst assessments? you should know better than to listen to them. if there's one person who can evaluate yourself entirely, it's none other than you.

i want you to come out of your shell and realize how wonderful you are. i want you to realize your worth. i beg you to prove them wrong. i want you to mold your character according to what you were destined to be. most of all, i want you to open your heart and let love come in.

if you still regard me as your prophet as you once did, then consider my words.

don't let that tainted self run through. it's not yet too late...

enchanted weekend


usually, the best gimmicks are those that are planned on short notice.

and this is exactly what happened last sunday. text messages spread in the morning, notifying all people concerned that the day will be spent at enchanted kingdom theme park.

transportation was initially a major concern. but being the cowboys that we are, we didn't mind commuting. with Enigma's wits, we got an FX driver take us to EK. and so off to EK with an FX filled with 7 eager adults and loads of fun.

we rode all the major the rides except for 4D and Rio Grande coz the queue was endless. Oh, and i was supposed to join the gang ride the space shuttle but i suddenly felt dizzy. nope, i didn't chicken out. i was really up for it until i became i a lil lightheaded.

i just have to mention that the go kart experience was the best ride of all. by now, half of the MM team knows how i faired in the "race". hehe. they said that the speed of my driving in edsa is the exact opposite of my driving in the go kart event. kulang nalang daw eh mag wave ako sa bagal!! cruising nalang talga! feeling beauty queen ba ako nun? i prolly thought my body bag was my sash. hehe. ack! i'll stick to the real deal automobile.

this is one of those instances that would be better off described with pictures. ima wait for all the pics to be uploaded and try to post them here. in the meantime, you can view Twin's blog for the pictures. =)

the EK gimmick was definitely worth my PHP500...and more!! =)

we'll definitely go back to EK soon, and hopefully, next time there'll be more people to join us.

out cold


sometimes i feel too much and it overwhelms me, and i am paralyzed. stunned.

why does my depression can become like a woman's period? it turns into a monthly cycle. and like most everything else, this sentiment is something i can't perfectly describe. what i really want to say is stuck at the tip of my tongue, at the edge of my mind, right there, but i can't think of the right words.

i can't think of any words.

i just wish i could open the door to my insides and let you see for yourself.

clear blur

i am still learning. the moment i think i've got a pretty good handle
on things, i've figured a lot of it out, i'm in the clear, i realize i am
far from it and i was stupid to even think that way.

lesson number one: you have no clue.

remember those letters we used to write, about the meaning of life
and shit?

i thought i knew the meaning of life. it turned out i knew shit.


tomorrow i'll feel better...

suddenly i'm a bit melancholy right now. i miss the guy. it's not you. it's him.

i don't want to forget the wonderful feeling of talking to him. how i laugh so hard until i could not breathe. how my face brightens up and my insides melt and i am simply happy. the thrill i get with even the slightest touch of his fingers on my skin. the way our eyes lock and know exactly what we mean even without saying a word. the initial moment that we knew that there was something special going on between us. the kisses we shared that mean so much more than simply having two sets of lips interlocking. the way we wanted to cross the line (*wink*). how he teases me till i get cranky and he'll be sweet again. the satisfied feeling i get when i can see that he becomes jealous about someone. the way he almost promised me the moon and stars. the way i turned him down and closed my heart on the possibilities of what we could have. how i almost believed every word he said...and almost felt it.

how i nearly fell in love with him....

...and virtually enjoyed every moment of it.

THE LAST DAYS


if today were the last of all days
would it change how you feel, who you are
would you rise for a moment above all your fears
become one with the moon and the stars

would you like what you see looking down
did you give everything that you could
have you done everything that you wanted to do
is there still so much more that you owe

follow you dream to the end of the rainbow
way beyond one pot of gold
open your eyes to the colors around you
and find the true beauty life holds

would you live for the moment like when you were young
and time didn't travel so fast
be free in the present, enjoying the now
not tied to a future or past

you probably said all you wanted to say
but doesn't it strike you as strange
if we only begin to start living our lives
if today were the last of all of days

if today were the last of all days...

zoning out


as much as i want to consider my home a "home", sometimes i feel that i am somehow trapped. i find it odd that it is the office that i consider to be the oasis i can comfortably settle in. other people can't wait to get their ass off from work. would you believe that this seldom happens to me? mine is almost always the opposite. if mattresses were provided at work, i would have probably made a campsite 24/7.

i remember one time when i came to work on a weekend and it was my off. a friend jokingly said, "o bakit andto ka, nag away kayo ng nanay mo noh". i simply answered "yes"... and i bursted into tears. he apologized, "ay sorry. totoo plang nag away kayo". even if the office can become the most stressful place on earth, i still consider it my refuge. it's always been a escape for most of us here.

yes, i love my family. it's just that the noise at home can become unbearable; it just makes me want to shut everything out. and i'm not only referring to "real" noise. silent screams are far worse than audio noises. there is a friction between 2 members in my family. pride does get in the way. how do you even begin to teach someone how to apologize if he has a closed heart? i wish i could just say that i don't care whether or not they make peace. but it's not that simple. they are family, and i am as affected as the people directly involved.

more often that not, the idea of my moving out has been mentioned during conversations at home. i can list 100 reasons why moving out will be good for me. i raise these valid points to my mom. but she can also enlist 200 reasons more why it's better for me to stay at home. aight. i rest my case -- but only for now. there will come a time that i will move out...whether they like it or not. the distance can be beneficial. i believe that the more i'll be away from them, the more i'll miss them..and the more that i will value those moments that i'll be spending with them. they say that moving out means sacrificing a lot --- believe me, i'd be willing to trade my almost comfortable and perfect way of life just to have a solitary sanctuary. i can bear the loneliness and all that hard work. i can probably even bear living with a sloppy roommate. just give me a chance to experience a reclusive lifestyle once in a while.

under the weather


finally...i am able to access my blog. whew.

as much as i want to EXPLAIN things, i have to make this short and sweet. the graveyard zombie is still under the weather.

i went to the doctor yesterday. it's only a bad case of flu...for now. doctor said that once i find rashes on my skin, i could be infected with dengue. OMG!!!

i'll be back next week..with a healthier me..and a better blogsite to boot.

for now, visit our common blog. that's where the action is. *wink*

iba na ang sikat..sinasadya pa ang blog natin! akalain nyo! =)