i don't want to be


I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I'm trying to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

--> I don't want to be, Gavin deGraw



i am sooo loving this song. yun lang :) i love watching one tree hill too. haaay...danda danda ni brooke at haley! pewcha nattibo na yata ako ah....

sembreak's here! thank God. :D i had to cram for my projects last sunday. yep, sleep deprived by choice! i should've had more time in my hands had i not watched my teammates play bowling last saturday. but the bonding we had that day made all my sacrifices definitely worth it. and nothing beats talking to people who haven't had any sleep. if you heard us talking, you'd think we were drunk. wla talaga kmeng sense kausap nun!




at Powerbowl. getting ready for the game.



papano na kaya kme kung nde naimbento ang camera



at Dencio's Rockwell. borlogs nalang. almost 24 hrs na kmeng gising



rooftop view. posing with my model friend clyde ;) bagay ba kme? hehe



salam and jarjar. syempre nde kumpleto pag wlang pic ang mag best friend

nuninuninuninu...........


yes, i make these sacrifices without asking or expecting anything in return. it's all out of love. but there are instances that you really make it easy for me to hate you. and that makes me think. hard. really hard.

simpleng katangahan na magsakripisyo para sa wala. OO. alam ko yun. pero anong ginawa ko?????

years from now, i will look back to this day and just laugh it all off.

kung baket ba kse nde pwedeng maging wa-is sa buhay at pag ibig at the same time. baket? bakeeeet????

but you gotta give me some credit. i've been exerting effort to help myself...


...but not as much as i should.


*deep sigh*

beclouded


life is never what it seems

flimsy promises
only empty and fleeting words

how do you redeem the faith that's been lost perpetually?
look at what's left of me
it leaves me broken and deceived

just when i thought i have buried everything in my past
without warning
memories keep flooding back
and slowly i crawl into my dark space again

it's senseless to keep risking and fighting
when there's nothing left to lose or gain

in my mind i'm struggling
but in my heart i'm struggling more

-f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s-
ver. 3



there comes a time in my life when i withhold to do something because i am almost sure that i am bound to get hurt. but i still end up taking the risk. i do it because i am also certain that it's gonna hurt more to know and look back that it could have been my greatest happiness.


>><<
with everything i've been through, i've learned that love -- and life -- has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get; only with what you are expecting to give --which can be EVERYTHING.


>><<
there's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or how not to cry too hard.


>><<
i tend to step in too close that the whole perspective is but a blur already...


>><<
the poem i wrote, by the way, wasn't about you. i didn't even realize that it might sound like it was when i wrote it. it was about someone else. this boy. but it's inconsequential now, because he's just a poem to me now.

nothing more.


>><<
her motto was, "let go."
his was, "hold on."
it was as if she was ready to fall and he was willing to catch her.


>><<
it sucks, but that's life. it hurts to let go of something but always rememeber may kapalit yan na mas ok. :)
-->texted to me by a dear friend

SALAM


happy birthday to my dearest best friend.

bes, it is important to me that you know how special you are. i've never met anyone bolder, braver, funnier and with a more unique name than you. :) God only knows what you've been through and i am happy that you had managed to come through. when you were thinking of giving up, the thought of losing you really scared me to death. i never want to see you doubting your strength again.

thank you for being the brutally honest yet sensitive best friend to me. i wouldn't have learned from my mistakes if you hadn't let me. now, i can say na "natuto na ko". *wink*

i pray that we would remain an open and unpretensious friendship. remember that you can always depend on me..and Him. :)

i love you bes and i miss you soooooooooo much. *bearhugs*

still dangling on a string...but with a firmer grip this time


so this is how it feels.

i can't believe it has been a year since i started blogging. wow. it has been an eventful year indeed.

i backtracked to my very first post and as i was reading it, i have concluded that i am still the same person, only this time, i feel that i am armed with more experience and confidence to face my fears and enemies.

i am still the same person who, no matter how optimistic she can be -- still has the tendency to worry. badly.

i am still the same person who, regardless of knowing what she loves to do, is still having a damn hard time deciding which path to take.

i am the still the same person who, despite being broken hearted a numer of times, will still take that risk to fall in love. over and over again.

i am still the same person who, despite having committed mistakes in life, will still not regret and blame herself for doing so.

yes, i may still be going through the same misfortunes and i am still hanging by a single strand of hope. but my grip has become firmer. all i had to do was put my faith in Him. something so simple can be so wonderful.

and blogging had a lot to do with it. had it not been for my daily musings and my friends' comments, i will not be reaffirmed that i am worth it.

very much worth it.

pictuuuuures!!!


some of my recent pics with my second family. :)



the only time that we were on morning shift for this year. grabe nag celebrate kme. lunch out! haha!



ayan. pati former manager kasama namen. ganun kme kasaya :)



profile photo for socials committee. memorable yang pic na yan. hehe. ako nalang nakakalaam kung baket ;)



ang bagong iyak na jarjar. tamang umiyak ako sa party dba. drama ko. syeeet.
pero project pa rin sa camera. :P



masakit na mata ko nyan. hay usok ng yosi. eeeww. :P



posing with Juboy, one of the bday peeps. at syempre laging may sisingit. hehe. favorite ko yang shirt ni jubs na yan. la lang.



oriental friday. fish event at work. hay nde talaga ko papasang chinese. kulay ko palang eh. haha!



robo launch. naks nag wine daw kme. ok pa kme nung product launch. ngayon ngarag na lahat ng tao :( beer na ulet, wla ng wine wine!



sabi ko nga masaya pa ko nung launch eh. wla lang. gusto ko lang ng solo pic :P



at dahil bagong gupit si pachuchay, nagpicture taking kme. hehe



yun lang. next time ulet :D

The Lone Warrior


Love so tangible it pulsates

Enraptures me, seduces me

I grasp to embrace it



A blazing heat of fiery motion

Energy beyond imagination

A feast for the starving



As the moon rules the tides

So your love intoxicates me

Vibrations ripen my desire



No sorrow until I found it

A void unfurls as we part

Giving birth to longing



My senses still writhing

I don my mask, abandon my despair

The lone warrior again

happiness can be found on edsa


i still have it.

i can still manage to pysche myself that my day will be a good one. or that i can be happy if i badly want/need to. call it fake but at least it works for me. it snaps me out of depression -- and even from anger. ;)

it occurred to me that everytime i drive to and from work, it gives me the perfect opportunity to contemplate on a lot of things. it is also during these times that i tend to become emotional. on top of all these, the worrywart side of me starts to surface.

last night i tried to reverse that. it was a smooth drive.

being on the road is an everyday thing for me. that being said, i cannot let myself sulk every freaking moment of it. i tried to acquire the old attitude i once had. the free spirited me. the one who didn't torture herself from worrying too much. i did that when i was younger. why can't i do it again now?

i have to remind myself that sometimes, even i've done everything and anything, things will still suck in the end. and that's ok. i should stop worrying and i should even be proud of myself that i've exhausted all that i can. my gaaaaaad, i actually cared that much to go through all the trouble! nde pala talaga ako manhid at makasariling tao.

i kept thinking of happy and encouraging thoughts until i reached the office. and i still kept doing silent prayers while driving.

i've never felt better.

THE END.


i don't know what's worse: the fact that you never came close to how i feel about you; or the painful reality that i will always be your second best.

you have reinforced my inherent trust towards people like you. i blame you for making me shun my belief in the true meaning of the word "sorry". i cringe whenever you utter that word to me. saying sorry habitually to the same person makes the act of apology insincere. the manner you say 'sorry' is as casual as you say 'hi'.

they say that actions speak louder than words. you suck at both.

you never heard me speak this way to you. that's because i've always been enchanted with you.

until now.

yeah, you probably think i'm stupid. I'M NOT. it's just that i have a foolish heart.

i realized that i have a choice. and that it's not too late to pick the right one.

i guess somehow i've learned something from all this: i don't have to settle. it's only now that i've fully understood what people mean when they tell me "you deserve the best". obviously, you're not the best one out there.

i loathe every inch you. at oo, gusto kitang sampalin! potah.



>><<
i wasn't able to make it to bloggers night. don't ask why. baka sumama rin loob nyo sa taong yun. tama na yung ako lang ang galit sa knya.

those rare moments of silence


i have really messed up my body clock. i am always awake at night even during my rest days. i feel alone in the house, and i am pleased. the silence gives me an overwhelming sense of peace. during these ungodly hours, i recollect moments of silence that i have experienced or just witnessed...


i take pleasure in the silence in our home whenever i rouse from my sleep at 2am. the silence of the city when it sleeps. silence of a song the moment it reaches its ending.

there is silence between a tainted friendship. silence between two people whose trust was destroyed. silence between a man and wife with undeniable loss of affection.

the uncomfortable silence after getting someone hurt. knowing that even saying sorry proves futile.

there is silence of a great hatred. silence of a dwindling respect for someone you once adored.

the comforting silence after crying buckets of tears. regaining my strength and sense of hope.

i have learned the silence of immense love. too full of passion for the tongue to utter it.

i find myself voiceless in the presence of these realities. i cannot speak.

my silence will be misinterpreted. they don't know that i have actually said something.


i have given out a silent scream.



>><<
PS,

thank you to everyone who made thoughtful comments on my "bittersweet solitude" post. i truly appreciate all the words of comfort.

and thank you for all the cyberhugs. :) i almost felt it. and yes, i'm feeling better now.

hmmm..bihira to..i'm in a giddy mood while blogging. :)


see you all on bloggers' night! :D
>><<

bittersweet solitude


what hooked me to blogging was the idea that i'd actually have a place where i can cast out my emotions -- be it positive or negative. and so i've never seen my blog as something with a purely melancholic theme.

until my friend O.C. told me this:
"maybe if you stop blogging, you'll stop being depressed."

huh? are you saying that i only blog about the most somber moments of my life?

well, perhaps that IS true.

if i would brood through my pages, most of things i wrote about were far from anything exciting. MOST, but not all. and so i still wouldn't consider this as a blog filled with depressing thoughts.

like any other person, i am constantly learning. and had it not been for the all the pain i've experienced, i will not grow. writing, aside from cooking, is my favorite therapy. after typing whatever's in my heart and whatever's on my mind, i actually feel better. and that feeling is anything but dismal.

O.C usually sees me blogging with a sad face. sometimes my eyes are even filled with tears. i know he made that comment because for the past few days, i haven't been smiling. i still do, but my smiles and laughters are half hearted. you will not see a twinkle in my eyes.


i am lonely.

the loneliness is palpable.

and i really need a hug right now. a warm hug. one that feels like home.

-f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s- 
ver.2

 
why is it this way?

when you're with the Boys You Could Care Less About, you're On.
you're charming, you're smart, you're witty, you're funny, you're
graceful, you're sexy, you're everything you never knew you could be.

when you're around the Boys You Want to Whisk Away to a Secluded
Island, you're Not. you're everything you never wanted anyone to find
out you were.


~*~
i've always been this sickeningly optimistic person.  and most of the time i'm trying so horribly hard to be one.

but everything just keeps f*cking up.


or maybe i'm trying too hard...


~*~
i waste so much time replying to text messages to these guys.

guys who shouldn't have ever come into my thoughts.


~*~
love can be the most painful, difficult and traumatic thing we could ever encounter...but it's also the most simple reason that we find ourselves smiling.


~*~
regardless of who or what i have in my life, i realize that the void is
only mine to fill.

MINE.


~*~
why do we keep searching externally for love when it can be found
within us? 

 

i cried over these lines...

"some things are nothing more than what they seem. they are not meant to last. they just take their place in your heart and make you a lil smarter the next time." -- spoken by Kate Hudson's character in Alex and Emma

 
sapul. 

i felt a throbbing pain in my heart when i heard those lines. *sniff*

nuff said.

Mr. Right Now

 
"you are everything a man wants, remember that."


*senti mode on*


so tell me, why am i alone?  you keep telling me that i should wait for the right one. but there seems to be absolutely no right person for me. is it really time for me to make the move? is patience indeed a virtue in this scenario?

i used to be a staunch believer in soul mates, destiny, true love and all that shit. but as much as i want to believe in the magic of it all and leave it to cupid's hands, i still think that i would have something to do on my part to find him..or at least, to be found by him. minsan parang ang sarap maglakad na may nakatatak sa noo mo na "single and available". pero nde ko pa naman naggawa yun... :P

there are many Mr. Right Now's in this world. pair that with a Meantime Girl and we have a perfect temporary pair. a relationship undefined. baseless. empty. ephemeral. pointless.

can i just meet Mr. Right Now fall in love with him, and take  out the "Now" in that title? nah. but sometimes it can be really tempting to do that. yes, there are times when being stupid makes sense. sardonically true.

i met Mr. Right. yes, he was Mr. Right and Perfect alright, but he was Mr. Right for someone else, not for me. and although he appreciates all the love i could share with him at that time...that was all he could do -- appreciate. although love was a two way thing for us, we still would have never gone forward even in our wildest dreams.

there is no point in staying in a relationship whose heart you cannot keep. even if we were two halves who match perfectly when put together, there is no adhesive strong enough to make us glued together for good. love should be just like breathing when it's right. maybe that's why i almost felt suffocated (literally) everytime i cried about you.

i really have nothing against you, but i know that i deserve to be happy. worry free happy. if only we could have it our way...

you will never know how it feels to be the girl in love with you. it's a feeling that's  exclusively mine.


"you are everything a man wants, remember that."  -- now if someone would say this to me again, i now have a reply: "then men probably don't want everything in a woman." 

eh nde rn naman ako perfect ah! ampotah...


*senti mode off*

remember how we sometimes have to stop and really think hard if we were asked to describe ourselves? if someone would ask me today, i would show him this peculiar (but true) list about me... 
  
(inspired by a text message from a friend)
 

always the cupid, never the target
always the bridesmaid, never the bride
always the best friend, never the girlfriend
always one of the boys, never the princess
always the last, never the priority
always the black sheep, never the favorite
always dreaming, never the subject of another's dream
always seeking, never being found
always the giver, never the recipient
always number two, never "only you"
 
i will celebrate the day when the words "always" and "never" switch places in those lines... 

hmmm...
 
i haven't been updating my blog. but you won't get an apology from me. na-ah! why do we keep saying sorry for not updating our blogs anyway?  does anyone really care? ;)
 
for the record, i haven't been busy. i got sick. bad case of the flu. now that i'm (almost) well, the first thing i gotta do is...catch up on my reading and research work for school!
 
gaawwd! i feel so scholarly already! hehe. (oh shut up jarjar! start working on your next lesson plan...)  
  
 
>><<
cool..blogger is getting better and better! :)  wla lang..napansin ko lang...
 

in His time


"jarjar, cguro may ginawa kang kabutihan kaya nakkuha mo ngayon mga bagay na gusto mo."
-- uttered to me by a colleague

hmmm...i'm trying see if there's even a grain of truth to that statement. ahm...uhm...hmm... *eyes wandering*

i can't think of a remarkable deed i've done lately. all i know is that i'm getting something i've been praying for several months now. it's true, He answers your prayers and gives you want you want -- in HIS time. thank you Lord :)


>><<

i'm moving to a different team. i'm still with the same account, but with a slightly different nature of support given to whining US and UK customers. plus, i get to be on the morning shift once in a while. hay salamat, nde ko na kelangan mag out of town para lang maarawan nako ulet! hafta start applying sunblock on my face. hehe...

i'm really time pressured here. i'll be trained in one or 2 days only, and i will go on soft live by next week. grabe crash course nalang ang training! whew! and i barely have time to turn over my responsibilities to my "successors".


>><<

bes gio, whatever it is you're going through right now, you will survive. i just know it. :) i'm sorry if i don't exactly have the right words to say to you -- i didn't give you any sound advice the last time we talked. but it's important that you know that i'll never get tired of listening to you. i'm just here bes.

i get hurt when you're hurt. please don't be too hard on yourself. :S *hugs*


>><<

haaay...still need to render 4 hours of OT for this special project we're finishing.

ang hirap maging responsible...tsk tsk tsk...

so we won the grand prize. i'm not surprised at all. :P

yes, the rumors are true...there are only 2 accounts in Sykes: Macromedia and others.
don't hate us 'coz we're the best. we just can't help it. ;) blog ko to, wlang aangal.

i've never felt how united the team was until last saturday. nothing can compare to our team. we're really a family. i looove you guys!



photoblog na ito!!! sayang wlang sunset pics. binagyo kme sa subic. :(



my constant out-of-town picture partner :D



parang may naligaw sa likod ng bus...



wlang manager manager dto...basag lahat! :P



pawis pawis nalang! ang saya saya! :D



Nene and the Virgins. uhm, nanalo lang naman kme. grand prize lang naman :P



best friends



my kindred



i was sitting beside a celebrity! hehe. sikat na si Orange! aaaww!



macromedia peeps -- all out support for the band!

wake up call?


i was THIS close to getting that massage and body scrub yesterday. i eagerly called the spa's number at 9:30am and was surprised to hear a sleepy voice on the other end. uhm...bahay yata tong tinawagan ko. :| like any other establishment, i expect that they open around 10am. much to my disappointed, i found out that they won't open until 1pm. darn. eh tulog na ko nun eh!

...the downside of working on graveyard shift. :/


^_^


wedding bells...i don't hear it


my mother is slowly trying to talk me into getting married. with every chance she gets, she'd ask me this question: "kelan ka magpapakasal?" --> hearing this is something i dread. it ties with the question, "why are you single?" as the-number-1-question-i-don't-have-the-answer-to. :| MM peeps, akalain nyo, nde ko sya kayang i-explain?

never can i remember a time that i've actually written something reflective on my being single. i've been long convinced that i am indeed normal and happy being single. but with a mother bugging me about marriage, and a gay friend who frankly tells me "ok lang yan jarjar, may mga tao talagang ttandang mag isa", i'm beginning to wonder if i'm ever gonna get married. :S

i was a late bloomer in relationships. i first had a boyfriend when i was 20. i enjoyed my teenage years and being single at that time was -- believe it or not -- by choice. now i feel that my singlehood is by default. *gulp*

and i quote my mom..."sa buhay ng babae, dalawang okasyon ang importante: debut at kasal. ikaw nakapag celebrate ka naman ng 18th bday mo. kasal nalang, kelan? lahat meron na para sa kasal mo...groom nalang kulang."

talaga lang ah? :) so may reception na, caterer, florist, gown, etc etc? :P

hmmm...at least there's one thing that my mother and i agree on...i'll have a beach wedding. woohoo!!! :D

i hate the way people ask you what's wrong like they don't know what's happening.

well, they really don't. they absolutely have no clue that they are the reason for your pain, anger, sadness. :S

i wish everyone were created to become sensitive to other people's feelings. i try hard to understand and accept the fact that boys will be boys and sensivity is something hard to crack in them. but c'mon, can't you at least try? it wouldn't hurt yah know.

maybe it's all about the macho thing...

...tsk tsk tsk.


^_^


...i really need to get a massage. am sooo stressed. :|

-f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s-


~*~
ever had one of those dreams that made you sad?
sad, because it felt so real.

felt.


~*~
peculiar as it may sound, i'm starting to wonder if there's a "right side of the bed"


~*~
true love? i have yet to find mine.

i'm afraid that he'd be overwhelmed by the love i'll give him.

i am a complete person. i won't say that my significant other will "complete me", but i know that when he comes into my life, he'd still get 100% of everything from me.

i'll make him the happiest man on this planet.


~*~
i'm really trying my best to "seize the day", everyday.


~*~
a phone conversation that made me emotional today:

gy_zombie: "babalik ako sa bahay...kukunin ko yung food"

Tikya: "ah, akala ko kung ano nangyari sa auto. tuwing ttawag ka kse problema dala mo".


salamat ah :S

celebrating my tears


i used to cry alone in my room. but even in the confines of own my room, i couldn't wail at my loudest and actually let my frustrations/pain/sadness out. i still feel that i am holding back my real emotions.

somehow i found a new "venue" for weeping...

i blinked...and realized that i was in tears. soft, silent tears that turned into loud sobs and staggered breaths. i was competing with the volume of the stereo. this usually happens when it rains....and when i'm driving alone.

it's a miracle that i get to my destination unscathed. prayers do help. yes, i actually talk to God when i cry. and that's when i cry the loudest.

i continue to drive with my eyes blurry from tears. i can't drive forever...i know i have to stop and turn off the engine soon. i just hope that i can do the same with my tears.

people think that i'm strong. but even strong people cry. and i get tired of being this strong woman. i've put up a wall for protection from the cruelties of this world.. but i destroy that same wall when i need to console myself.

meet my folks


help me comprehend why guys are terrified to meet the girl's parents.

oh, and i'm referring to the dating stage. i would understand if the guy is already the boyfriend -- because judgment (or misjudgment) is bound to take place. isn't it supposed to be easier to meet the folks if you're just casually going out? you're practically just friends. right?

meet the 'rents. hang out with the kid. it's just like a barkada gimmick.

this was the reason why my best guy friend decided to postpone his date with the girl i'm trying to set him up with. the girl's parents are strict. and that was why she wanted to be picked up at her house rather than to meet him elsewhere.

"it's not like you're gonna marry her! she just wants you to meet her folks!", i pointed out. i wasn't done talking yet when he blurted, "exxxxaaactly! i'm not gonna marry her. we're going out on a date. why should i meet her parents?" (with matching eyes rolling and the most agape face i've ever seen)

i just couldn't relate. maybe because i don't share the same..uhm..."fear" of meeting the folks. i honestly wouldn't mind if i happen to be introduced to the parents of a guy i'd be dating. i know it's not a big deal to meet them, but i wouldn't be uncomfortable with that kind of situation either.

ugh..why am i even contemplating on this. i myself don't make it a habit of introducing my dates to my parents. oh, except my prom dates waaaay back in high school. hehe.

hmm..when the time comes, bibiglain ko nalang sila..."ma, pa...meet my...husband." :P

awkward stage skipped. hehe. nde rn...nuninuninu...

i take after you. everyone admires you. who wouldn't? you're the most industrious person i know. you're smart; a walking calculator; you possess kick ass PR skills; you've got a big heart, you share without asking anything in return.

but sometimes your presence brings out the worst in me. i don't know if you do it deliberately. even if you're well aware of what ticks me, you don't care. you seem to know just the wrong buttons to press.

if it's true that daughters become their mothers...then should i be worried?

every time i remember the instance that you labelled me as the black sheep in the family, it puts me to tears. see..i'm crying now...

someday, you'll be proud of me. and you'll be telling my friends and your friends good stuff about me.


*deep sigh*

thirsty for solitary time


i love talking to people -- sensible talks or otherwise. but there are moments, usually rare moments, that i want to wear a shirt screaming "i choose to be anti social today". i don't even want to say it, so i hope the shirt will do the job of getting my message across.

but that's one thing that i find difficult to do at the office. had i done that, for sure people will ask me "are you okay?" a million times. interacting is second nature to us. and deciding to be by yourself for a while is something we'd rather consider bizarre here. if anything, i know that this is still a normal human reaction. we sometimes just wanna be alone for no apparent reason.

i miss spending time with me -- uninterrupted quality time with me, me and me.

i'm gonna do that today.


::::::

this was the first week of MA classes. well, supposedly.

despite endless pieces of advice i got that i shouldn't bother attending classes during the first week, i still went to UP. i arrived on time. i sacrificed my precious sleep just so i could go to school. classes were cancelled (one professor actually went home to have dinner! without letting us know! we should've dined out as well). *sigh* i should've listened to them. but the good school girl attitude in me will not wear off that easily. i don't remember any incident in my academic history that i cut class. i'm no goody two shoes, but i was always present in all my classes. sa work lang pumalya..hehe..may mga SL talaga ko. can't help it. nobody said it was healthy to work on graveyard shift.

i'd give anything to get a decent day job that i love, and that will work with my class schedule as well. i guess i'm gonna be stuck here for a while...

haaay..naudlot na naman ang pag resign ko. i swear, nde na ko seseryosohin ng HR pag nag submit ulet ako ng resignation letter!!!!

when seizing the moment means everything to you


while the rest of the world is getting a glimpse of the whole picture, i pay attention to the tiniest details.

little unnoticed details that you just let slip through the cracks.

i don't.

i like rewinding episodes of my life on my mind. over and over again. i would've probably enjoyed it if i had a JARJAR TV (think ED TV). everything is recorded and every moment is captured.

i know sometimes you find it strange that i stare at you. i do this only because i am certain that getting this opportunity is rare. very rare. it's not only time that is borrowed here.

but i was prepared for this. and returning what was borrowed finally took place.

now all that's left with me are vivid images that i keep replaying on my mind. images like the way you wrinkle your nose; the way you bite your lower lip and wink at the same time; how you let your eyebrows meet when something puzzles you; the easy mood in the way you walk and carry yourself. all these. and more. moments...so brief that you barely notice them.

the universe is in a rush, and i'm here -- wanting to put everything in slow motion so that i could see them all. freeze. frame. savor.

I really dont know what to write I am moved to all kinds of feelings and thoughts. I see a very special spirit inside you and someone who is on her way to having a wonderful full life as soon as she learns to not worry and enjoy. We are promised nothing but always receiving so much more than we ever thought. Life is a very long road you must find out first if you will let God make a way for you or you make your own way. I can tell you which is easier, but you already know. Do not worry he knows we are all imperfect. That's the greatest thing, that we are loved and can give that love so easily.


...such deep insights, coming from someone i don't even know. he just happened to stumble upon my profile and sent me the message above.

if i become blind at times, God has a way of letting me realize the beauty of life through someone else's eyes.

yes, i am wonderful and life is an amazing gift. why did i need a stranger to remind me of that?

pondering on his statements, i am once again awakened that we get so much more than ever thought...or sometimes, more than we actually deserve. and little by little, i am learning not to worry too much and am taking time to appreciate life's simple pleasures.

QUEUE!!!!


i thought i'd only hear this word at work. perhaps it's the most commonly used word at call centers. =)

but when i got to UP last wednesday, i wanted to scream "queue!!!" with all my might.

i forgot how bad enrollment season can be. especially in UP.

i've been queueing at UP since wednesday, and later after shift, is gonna be the most dreaded day. it's the last day for registration/enlistment/assessment etc. etc.!

i'm frustrated and harassed, to say the least. i think the only time i smiled during this whole application process was when i got hold of the letter of admission. i think i missed the fine print that says "this is your only moment to smile. you're about to lose your patience and strength once you start with the registration.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".

goddess morwen and i have been trying to get in touch with the graduate studies office -- inquiring about registration schedules, enrollment, etc. etc. we always get the same answer "try calling again after this date..so and so. we don't have the information yet". what good is an information office if you don't have any information? duh! i've been to two beach outings already (and 2 shades darker =P) and we still haven't heard from them.

thursday was no better. i arrived early in UP...only to get this number -- 191!!! huwaaaattttt?!?!??!?!?! just when i thought that it could get worse...it did get worse...."wla pong guarantee na matatawag kayo today". eh malamang lamang noh...eh ang number kong 191 eh sa 2nd batch pa. may 1st batch pang 300. *faints* "pwede na kayong kumuha ng number for tomorrow". i expected a good number...line of 2 or 3. they gave a small piece of cut folder with the number 97. haaaaay. wla nakong magagawa.

i really wouldn't care falling in line today as long as i get everything done. and i'm so lucky to have my VL approved for tonight -- on short notice. this enrollment actually calls for an emergency leave.

in the meantime, i posted more pictures from la union. nature pictures help me relax..i stare at these sunset/beach pictures whenever i'm stressed out...



outdoor lunch



jarjar and the sunday movie group (that sounds like a band's name..hehe)



kame ulet =)



aaaaaahhhh!!!



drinking session



nice lizard shot huh



at white beach



sleepy on a sunday morning



look for my seahorse tattoo-turned-allergy-turned-bruise



blue waters at white beach



looks like a painting dba? =)



i think that i shall never see a poem lovely as a tree

calm waters and beautiful sunset


after several ocular inspections to different beach sites (courtesy of some soccomm peeps and friends), ping-pong communication with Dory, endless committee meetings and IM chats, constantly updating the attendance sheet, stretching my patience in understanding other people's stubbornness and uncooperative attitudes, venting my frustrations to the active committee members....the team building finally pushed through.

whew!

mind you, last friday's incident almost made me want to quit the whole thing. these people simply didn't act their age. it's bad enough that the committee members are not getting paid (or even getting any perks) for organizing such events, what's worse is when we have to put up with people who are very uncooperative, not to mention, ungrateful!

but the actual team building more than made up for my bad mood last friday. despite the looooong trip, we did have fun. i went for a swim on all 3 days of our stay -- which explains why i'm 2 shades darker now. the hell with people's comments. as Orange would say, "you went out and had fun. your color is your proof that you were at the beach, aside from the pictures". hmmm, well said. =)

i've always loved watching the sunrise/sunset. since i couldn't count on myself to wake up early that weekend, i relied on catching the sunset instead. and i did! 2 sunsets in a row! we took fabulous sunset pictures. i'm always in awe everytime i see these pictures. i can sense a new blog skin to take place any minute now. hehe.

i especially enjoyed our night swims. i dipped in the water with friends, but every time i back-floated, i felt that i was alone. blissfully alone. it was so relaxing. i relished the feeling of watching the moon shining on my face. i learned how to find my center...to shun all the voices around me...to dismiss my colleague's constant teasings about my twins, my sleeping habits during out of town trips, and my closeness to TM. sometimes their teasings can really get to my nerves, but i choose to counter it with a smile. a hurt smile. knowing the truth lies deep within me and none of them is the wiser. it's the most they could do so I let them be.

i wanted to breathe those moments in la union. i wanted to breathe everything in...and not ever breath out. more than anything, the vacation fed my soul. and i feel simply peaceful.



some pictures from the team building:



one of the lovely sunset pictures taken in la union



sunset pic with the peeps this time =)



after a night swim



team 4 -- bitter but beautiful (walang aangal!)



who's that girl? drunk or sleepy?



sunday breakfast



after a swim at white beach



at the plaza. tama bang upo yan ng babae?



there's no stopping us in taking pictures. kahit sa jeep magkkuha ng picture, kahit mahulog na yung nagkkuha!



another sunset pic with the Macromedia peeps



ima try to upload more pics next time! =)
ang lalaki ng pics pa ren..bwehehehe....

rear foot always seems heavier


yes bes, one of your lil speeches hit me...yet again.

one cannot completely move on unless he lifts both feet forward. moving on is never easy, and we usually find ourselves leaving the rear foot behind -- wanting to leave but holding back. *sigh*

why do we have to give up on certain things that make us absolutely happy? how do we make sense out of it? =( somehow, there is no point. so we make up for the lack of significance by convincing ourselves that there is a reason behind all this. soon, we've given up comprehending or the issue has long been over (whichever comes first) and yet we still haven't found that reason.

3 days to go!!! Boracay na!!! woohoo!!!

Nemo is joining us! :) yipee!!!

~~oo~~

I realized that after all has been said and done, I really am still a head over heart kinda girl. When I put my mind to it, anything is impossible. Kenzo was right when he told me that I'm too special for that. I deserve better. Why do I need someone to remind me of that?

I had to get out before the damage gets worse.

Oh yeah...and I miss Kenzo. I consider him the sweetest guy friend I know. Sparks have long been gone between us, but he still makes me feel every inch special and loved.

*sigh*

i'm losing it...

and i'm not even gonna try to save it. i've been waiting for this moment. miracles do happen.

please don't stand in the way and ask me to stay.

i may not have the chance to experience this moment again. one day, you'll thank me for doing this. i'm sure you will.

i just looove this sunset picture in Boracay (Diniwid Beach). i feel calm every time i look at this pic.

thanks to my budding photo artist friend Benneth, i now have a new blog skin and desktop wallpaper. weeeeee!!!


note to my kindred:

i also love the sunset pics we took in Galera last month. but i'd rather use this one where our wacky faces are not included. hehe...

i can't wait for our Boracay trip this May! i'm hoping that i can finally take this mission off my list of "things to do before i die". well..i actually don't have such list, but stepping foot in Bora is something that i've been wanting to do for a long looong time now.

i know i haven't worked my butt off compared to the "organizers" of this trip...but i hope i can still do something to help. to Twin, Deej and Kirbs (a.k.a. April Boy), i wanna thank you guys from the bottom of my broken heart (Pachuch, peram ng linya) for making this trip possible. love you! mwah!

ey twin, get well soon!!!!!! hugs!

moments of reticence


if i could, i'd take each one of you to a quiet garden on an unclouded day and we'll talk. i have a very fervent sense of the things that I want to say -- and there's a lot of things that i want to say. but i'm finding it hard to talk lately. I feel mistrusftul and voiceless.

i probably -- no, i DON'T -- owe you anything; i am allowed to keep as much as i want to myself. but the truth is, i want to be loud and fearless as i've been. there are times that i am raring to share stories of my adventures and plans. but i don't know if you'd even care to hear them, so i never do. time will pass, and soon, everything will be so yesterday.

the unhypocritical stories, i know, are those filled with pain, honesty and beauty. stories that i'm dying to hear. stories that i would want to share. i just need the courage to tell them.

i am trying to find my voice again. i trust that wherever it is, i'll find my stength there as well.

moments of reticence can be good. i am in no rush. what the heck are we in a hurry for, anyway? i know that i will find an unfeigned person who will listen to me with eager ears.

in the meantime, i will relish the silence.

the space between who we want to be and who we are seems to shrink and expand depending on where we are in our lives. it's healthy if we just try to be patient through all of the journey.

Personality Analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Sun Apr 11 15:57:36 2004


Your Existing Situation

Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these
qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and
enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.
--> i generally seek for something new and exciting.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still
important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest.
As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that
will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of
being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly
enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her
nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at
peace when she has finally reached her goal.
--> i really have a great passion for life and i deem it significant that it must not be wasted.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and
difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to
achieve satisfaction from sexual activity. Circumstances are restrictive
and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time
being.
--> making sacrificies was never easy an easy task. but that's what i have to do in the situation i am right now...


Your Desired Objective

Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she
can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.
--> all of us want to feel that we belong.


Your Actual Problem

Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free
herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the
things she wants.
--> peace of mind. peaceful and stress free life. that's all i want.


~~~
The preceding results were generated last week. I tried taking the quiz again today. I just want to find out if anything has changed. Well, everything has, except for my "stress sources". And I really think that this quiz is almost 100% reliable. Below are the results when I took the quiz the 2nd time. My comments are again inline...
~~~


Personality Analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Mon Apr 19 05:16:13 2004.


Your Existing Situation

Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation.
Wants to feel exhilarated.
--> yup yup. i participate in things that stimulate me. even if it's work related. just like the recently concluded qbr! hehe.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still
important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest.
As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that
will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of
being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly
enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her
nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at
peace when she has finally reached her goal.
--> i've always believed that i am a goal oriented being.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither
properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being
compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of
emotional involvement. Circumstances force her to compromise and to
forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical
satisfaction from sexual activity.
--> all of these statements just hit the spot, baby! CONFORM!!! which i absolutely abhor! i hate having to sacrifice my personal freedom.


Your Desired Objective

Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will
permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new
and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.
--> definitely true. i am at a point where i'm making a major decision that will affect me both adversely and favorably. is that stressful enough?


Your Actual Problem

The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants
leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of
illusory or meaningless activities.
--> simply put, don't mess with me. *wink*



"I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it."

i know that in the eyes of the majority, i am a pernicious person.

i am far from being an angel. i know. but someone who would play God and take matters into his own hands is even more unforgiving. i can probably criticize once in a while, but if i have to, i do it constructively and i do it only to the people who ask for it.

no, i am not like you. you, who treat people like trash and categorize them into "biodegradable", "non-biodegrable" and "recyclable". only, you have a more interesting classification...the "lovely, the sullen, and the selfish".

you have placed me in the last group. oh, and did you care to consider if your conclusion was indeed just and correct? as i've stated once, we should be judging people not by the standards we keep, but by the standards they themselves hold.

the root of misjudging is when we judge solely with our eyes, and not with our ears. could you have at least talked to me and listened to what i had to say, you would've probably gained a wiser and more mature insight to all this.

i used to hate people like me. people who are hated by the society because their actions are against the norms. but the tables have turned the moment i was put in their situation. being so gave me a deeper perspective on what they are going through.

i am hurting. badly. and there is absolutely not a thing or a person who can take away the pain. i would have to deal with it -- all by myself. i appreciate all the support i'm getting from the people who care -- who genuinely care -- about me; but the fact still remains...i am broken. and i'm not even gonna try to pick up the pieces and glue them together.

i feel like a prisoner who wasn't given a chance to defend himself in court. but, just like this prisoner, i am not about to give up.
i am not one to simply accept misapprehensions about me.

i am every inch a fighter.


"the battle's almost won...we're only 7 miles from the sun".

gotta fight gotta strike
'cause there's no turning away
from what you don't want to know
gotta see gotta be
if they're all going astray
don't let them take you in tow

you're a one-man shift in the weather
you're the woman who just won't sell
climbing up and ringing the bell

ooh you're gonna make your mark this time
ooh you're gonna set your hope on fire

gotta leave gotta bleed
you've gotta stop lying still
'cause this is no kind of life
you don't need guarantees
you just want something to build
before you turn to the knife

when the streets are aflood like a fever
it's a holiday of the new
we're coming closer now to the truth

gotta move gotta choose
you've got a difference to make
don't watch it happen again
gotta change rearrange
something's bending to break
it's just a matter of when



Hope on Fire
Vienna Teng

anesthetized


maybe it's true...

that time doesn't heal wounds...it just makes you get used to it.

but i was surprised at how soon it could make me get used to it. just this morning i broke down into tears...in front of my best friend. i admitted to her a weakness in me...something that she knew all along even without me saying it. this evening, i have confirmed something i've been wondering about for days now..something probably petty for some. but to me, it should have made me shed a tear or two.

i didn't. i didn't even feel that usual pang in my heart. i dont exaclty know why. i only think that maybe, i'm getting used to it...

...getting used to the melancholic side of my situation. simply put, i'm getting used to the pain.


now i dont know if that's a good or a bad thing.

embracing the moment


"the only permanent thing in this world is change".

true.

there's another important thing i keep learning: "tomorrow is never promised". you can never ever be certain of what's gonna happen. you can only imagine...hope...desire. i try to live each day one at a time. but there's this part of me wanting to get a glimpse of the next chapter, or at least a page of it.

one friend of mine who's very observative once told me that i am blessed to have the gift of thought of regarding the past, present and future. i envision the possibilities of events in the future while reasonably wallowing in the past, and yet never losing track of the present. he said that not many people can find time to think about all three. some may drown in the past, others may be paralyzed by the thought of tomorrow. still others, remain stuck to the super glue of the present.

right now, i choose to get stuck in the present. only because it makes me happy. at least i could say that "i am happy", even for just a day.

i am living in the moment. immensely. i savor each day because i know that i won't be able to embrace it forever. i've actually stopped believing in the meaning of forever for most things.

i temporarily want to stop acting on or making plans for the future -- only because this time, in this one aspect of my life, there is one single factor that i am in no control of. and it is also because of this that i am not able to do anything. i just take things as they come.

i am hanging on. and maybe this is a risk -- getting into something you know which is ambiguous. that's the irony of it -- you are certain that this matter is UNCERTAIN.

whatever tomorrow will bring, i will always be thankful of the events that happened TODAY.


This line from a movie aptly describes what i'm feeling now:

"When you crash into something beautiful, you hold on to it until it's time to let go..."

"...and now is not the time."

-- Under the Tuscan Sun

maybe the reason why you become so miserable at times is because you can't take life "as it is". you get so frustrated over the things that you have absolutely no control of. you worry so much even if you are fully aware that you've done everything you could to disentangle a knot in your life. if you honestly believe that you've exhausted all our resources and know for a fact that there could still be a flaw, why not just give up? accept whatever inevitable that will occur -- and reward youself with a good night's sleep.

it's the same thing as accepting the people you love for "what they are". you don't question why they're stubborn or absurd or impatient or moody. you just take them in your life and love them just the same. so do yourself a favor and stop questioning some of life's undeviating events -- no matter how horrible they may be.

you'll survive anyway...and so will the rest of the world.

now you can say "that's life!" -- and be convinced of that.

starved soul


it's not only that i'm getting sick of my job. there's something more. i really can't complain, everything about my job is manageable. but it has become so routinary. i am finding less and less reasons to get out of bed to get ready for work. i practically drag myself to go to the office.

i always knew that i would eventually take up further education -- an M.A. and probably a PhD too. i figured that i wouldn't apply until 2005 or so. but 2 weeks ago, i have decided -- almost abruptly -- to FINALLY start my M.A. Studies this June. and i am convinced that the reason for my hasty decision is my constant quest to challenge myself. if i can't find enough challenge inside the office, i have to find it elsewhere. i will lose my over all zest for life if i am generally bored.

i filed my resignation on that very same day that i decided to pursue my M.A. Studies. my parents thought it best that i stay away from graveyard shift work while studying. but when i think of the financial independence that i'm about to give up once i become a full time student...uh-oh..im having second thoughts. i am not the same young daughter who is waiting for her allowance. and i guess i have been given a sign (a clear answer is more like it) in this new decision -- my father said something that almost literally made me hear that "ting ting ting" in my ear. i don't want to burden my family in terms of money. i want to be of help. i don't want any unnecessary confrontations in the future.

my manager was nice enough to tell me that there'd be no problem if i change my mind about my leaving. i felt flattered -- but not entirely convinced to reconsider staying. i told her that i will decide until tomorrow. i'm giving this more thought especially after she told me today that Q.A. dept. was asking her if i was still interested in the position i applied for.

i know better. my thirst for knowledge could not be the answer to what's bothering me -- that nagging feeling that there's a certain void inside me that i don't know what could fill. i am a starved sould. i could do all things, get all things -- sometimes even more than i deserve -- and yet i'd still feel deprived. so deprived. and lonely.

Twin and i were discussing about this loss of interest and motivation in our work...and these feelings were what broke my "writer's block" (if i had any writer's character to begin with). she walked over to my desk, and when she got the chance to sit on my chair..she typed the following on this blog draft im working on:


I'm bored....
I'm tired..
I wanna resign
I wanna go to the beach..I wanna travel..
I wanna get laid...
I wanna be happy...

bow


hehe..now that made me smile...and it made me feel normal. im not alone.

blunders


people are accustomed to making mistakes; to be at fault once in a while -- or for some -- every now and then in their lives. as a human, i am aware that i will always be imperfect and i will always make mistakes --- but i try not to make them twice. we all learn from every blunder. they become pointers in the journey we take.

we are often too keen on making judgments on people who commit mistakes without having to look on ourselves first. i learned from my friend that our general notion of judgment is based on a self-centered ideal. that shouldn’t be the case. each of us is unique. we should be judging people not by the standards we keep, but by the standards they themselves hold.

we will forever be hurting each other unless we learn to look not into ourselves but outwards to each other. to reach out before we throw. i realized that, it is not me who is constantly smiling and trying to make people smile. i understood perfectly that it is the humanity in me. and i am merely an extension of that humanity.

the shortest distance between hope and despair is a simple "thank you Lord!"

it's a shame that i only become more prayerful when i am most sad. hopeless. miserable.

i remember one of my grade school teachers telling us that when you have a toothache, it's God's way of reminding you that He loves you, that it's His way of making His presence felt. He knows that you'd call on Him when you are in pain. and that's what happened today. there are actually moments when i try to deal with my problems (or mere loneliness) by myself -- forgetting to talk to Him. i can't believe that it even happens.

today, i recalled how it felt to lift everything to Him. and i did just that. i've never been so relieved. not to mention happy. i even thought that i wasn't really lonely -- that i just lost touch with Him for a while. i was spiritually thirsty.

days would seem brighter if i keep in mind that i am doing everything through Him, with him and for Him.

thank you Lord. =)

is it too late to write about valentine's day?


i never thought i'd have quite profound thoughts on the occasion. for the past coupla years, i have dreaded V day. i haven't experienced spending this day with a boyfriend because there was only one February in my life that i had a bf. and at that time, i remember having a quarrel with him a few days before feb. 14. and when V day came, we were both not in the mood to celebrate.

this year, V day's eve was spent at the office. yep, i was on shift! but it was probably the best friday the 13th i have encountered. i've never witnessed a much celebrated V day at work. we had a valentine fair. the photo shoots alone were an amusing episode. i felt ashamed that i didn't participate that much in the preparations for this event. i am part of the socials committee and lately i haven't been socializing, so to speak. i haven't been cooperative. i want to blame the workload for this, but i should look into my attitude. =/ i'm gonna start being good again.

2 days before valentine, Twin and i were discussing how we miss the feeling of receiving flowers. guys will never understand how special it is for a girl to get a bouquet of flowers. even just a single stem is equally special. whether or not there is an occasion. a girl will also never appreciate flowers until she gets a bunch, or a stem.

i thought feb. 14 this year would be the same -- that it would end ordinarily after the usual whistlestop drinking session; that i'd go home with just the new CD (five for fighting) and the jason mraz concert tickets we bought. but things really do happen when you least expect them. i received red roses from this guy. it was special because: 1) it was off-tangent to his personality to give flowers, 2) we were not supposed to see each other that day, 3) he made an effort to make the giving a surprise, and 4) it was valentine's day after all.

so there...my valentine's day ended on a sweet note.


i was never a fan of V day. but i guess that's about to change now...

i realized that celebrating love is wonderful, no matter how corny it could be :)


here are some pics from the macromedia valentine fair:



rts team (everyone's favorite! best in costume na to!)



email team



cs gen team



the tl's



twin and i wasting some shots. hehe.



some of the committee peeps with majay



posing with pao and jouie

I'm still in no mood to write. So I'm just gonna post this...



1. I wish... I were happy right now

2. I don't know what to do if... hmmm...I have yet to be in a situation wherein God wouldn't help me what to do. I'm not being righteous, but I believe it's true.

3. Do you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend? name.... none (promise wala :P)

4. If u could change your name, to what would u change it to? Bianca Louise, Denise, Parish Noelle

5. I miss...the feeling of being pampered and extremely loved.

6. If you get stranded on an island and you could only
bring 5 people for company, who would it be? And why? my family. 5 na sila. no explanation necessary.

7. I love...life. even if it sucks sometimes

8. The person/s I would NEVER forget...Cy, RG, Weh

9. If I could do one thing all over again...nah, I woouln't change anything.

10. I'd rather... be happy than famous.

in a rut


every minute, i am finding more reasons to be all alone. i delight every moment of it. and never have i looked forward to coming home straight from work. today, i spent 11 hours in my bed sleeping. sarap!

i haven't heard so many bad news all at the same time. life can be cruel. and although i believe that there will be better days ahead, i can't help but feel glum..and this feeling will drag on for a while.

i feel unwanted, unappreciated, abandoned, unimportant.

life, especially my work, is becoming a routine. a boring, dry and unchallenging routine. i need a long paid vacation. i want to be extracted from the busy life of the city. even the most sociable person needs solitary time. i love my friends and i appreciate their company. but i just want to be by my myself, for now.

me, myself and i. that's all i've got.


i want to be invisible.

luminous sky



i had a vision. you tried to conceal your true insights. i may have held your hand or seen the shadow you desperatey tried to fight. you wandered off and followed the feather. the wind blew it fast. you didn't catch it in your hands.

think of the good intentions you had before you blame yourself. every man is a man of need. and even if you were covered in delicate blanket, you can still emerge unprepared and vulnerable.

no one expected the fall. no one expected the great lengths. no one expected the promptness. they all promised you the dance of life. complete with all the glitters. they still made you get down...

we were all innocent. your utmost needs may have gone unforgiven, but you still kept an open mind, an open heart, a free spirit.

i had a vision. a man with a marked distinction. a man who offered an enormous amount of love.

a man of need. a pure soul.

not exactly empty handed



the key is to walk out the door with conviction, like you have somewhere really important to go. keep your head up, because you are larger than life. it is moments like this when you really have to look straight ahead, never back. stay focused. go fast. and never, ever pause to converse, because they might induce you to stay.

i am not weak after all. i can be firm and i still manage to be resilient at any given situation -- or at least i try to.

some people mistake me, they only see what they wanna see; they only hear what they wanna hear. that phase is over now.

and you...if you could't agree with me, i apologize. i just can't keep pretending. i'm packing my bags 'cause i don't wanna be the only one who's drowning in their misery. please understand that i took that chance 'cause I just wanna breathe. it's so much better to embrace the truth than to live a lie.

and i won't look back and wonder how it's supposed to be...


i almost stumbled, but God kept the path lit on the only road i know.

i wish i were numb


and so i did it. i did the right thing.

it took me a while, however, to convince myself that i was doing this for me...and not for the people around me. somehow, i'm still having doubts.

i'm telling you, what i did was far from being easy. it was one of the most difficult decisions i had to make. once again i have felt how it is to sacrifice your own happiness. and i am certain that no matter how you say that you shouldn't care about what other people think or say about you, you can't help but be distracted...and consequently, become affected. i don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, because at some point you lose your own sense of shrewdness when you're drowning in their voices.

i never had the chance to tell them what i really felt in all those times i was caught in that storm. i don't think they realized that the seemingly harmless teasing they engaged in went overboard. it's simply sickening.

i just wish they can already put an end to this...the same way that i have.

an empty cage that has no key



have you ever felt like all people are against you? yes, even your friends -- especially your friends.

today i spent a few hours at the mall. all by myself. i desperately wanted to talk to someone, or to at least have somebody there to hold my hand. but i didn't know who to call. or maybe i did...but i know all too well that it wasn't a good idea. i didn't need someone to lecture me at that time. i just wanted some company. i felt so alone. and it was lonely. ugly.

before i knew it, tears started to fall from my eyes.

is it hardnosed to say that they don't understand me? probably. but that's what i feel. why do people make a living out of making claims? they can spend hours chatting about you, but can't have the audacity to talk to you -- THE ONE WHO IS DISTURBED -- even for just a minute.


today, more than ever, i feel that my life's measures are not for them to evaluate.


don't say that you understand. because you don't. you simply DON'T. it's a big picture to grasp in that little stern head of yours.


i would rather feel to much than nothing at all. yes, even the pain will be all worth it in the end.

i've been playing this song for a week now. i just looooove it! so much! =)

Twin and I have been trying to get a copy of Sarah McLachlan's "Afterglow" album. we're having a hard time. :/ *sigh*




Fallen

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin out with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear.



weekend na! woohoo!! i'm looking forward to tomorrow's dinner with my college buds. i'm also gonna meet up with my colleagues after that to have a despedida gimmick for mother Len.

come sunday, i'm finally gonna be able to watch Return of the King. yey!

happy weekend everyone!

set off



what if all this time i've had it all wrong? i've been trying to hold on to so much and maybe i should just let go. let go of the the things i think i need, let go of the feelings i don't want to forget, let go of the memories i am afraid will disappear from my mind. let go, and make room for more.

there have been moments in my life when i've lost and felt that a part of me has died. i had to acknowledge such tragedies. what was experienced was learned, and what was learned would not be forgotten. i lived. that was enough.

i am still so young, and there is so much more to get/feel/learn/live. it's nice just to swim in the moment, sometimes, without worrying about what others think, without trying to record every detail, without planning the way it ends. i am going to try to do more of that. i just don't want to waste any more time.



* * * * * *


Reaching upward
I'm earthbound
Daydreamer wake me up
I'd welcome the interruption
I'm realizing that I am chronically spaced
Be quiet I just need to hear myself -- think
Loud and uncontrolled
Totally aware that I know
But not enough to pull back
And let things go
High-strung and high-waisted
If I whine it's not earnest
I'm just unloading some weight
Maybe I should stop praying for a miracle
and savor every morsel that I've been served
It's all up to me

walking on egg shells



second time around.


it's happening again. i am the main menu of people's breakfast/lunch/dinner. they savor every bite. they enjoy even the tiniest crumbs -- even if it's tasteless and crap.


i have experienced this before. the only difference this time is, the people involved right now are people who are dear to me. people i actually care about. and that....simply hurts.


i know what they see appears to be wrong. ok ok, i know that there is some truth to that. but does talking behind my back help? what do they really know about what's happening??? ONLY I know about that.


some of them have brazen out this issue with me upfront. that's fine. and i'd rather that they question me directly than discuss it with other people who make conclusions purely based on whatever story they fancy.


love is crazy. i am convinced of that. and i perfectly understand the genuine concern they have for me. i have been given sound advice of the situation that i'm getting into. i prolly know all the right things to do...but i don't understand why something so wrong feels so right.


call me stupid. hollow. erroneous. label me with all kinds of harsh words. i'll take everything. perhaps i deserve to be called such things. but i also know that i deserve to be happy. only, my happiness this time is being judged.


i don't owe the world an explanation. i just wish that they'd somehow, even just for a moment, put themselves in my shoes.

and it does wonders if you sometimes think outside of the box.


if anything, i am grateful that i have true friends who care about me. these are the people who never fall short of becoming the epitome of what true friendship is.


in all honesty, i'd like to follow every piece of advice they give me.



...it just ain't easy...

Time, where did you go? Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don't go so fast
I'm missing the moments as they pass
Now I've looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time


I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
I should've known better
I shouldn't have wasted those days


Now this is my time
I'm going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn't have wasted those days)
I'll take what you give me. Please know that I'm learning
I've looked in the mirror
My world's getting clearer
So wait for me this time


Time
Chantal Kreviazuk

biting wit



what do every human being seek for?

love.

we all want to be loved. but it all depends on our own perception on how we should be loved. i can get lonely when i'm alone and i start feeling that im not special. but hey, i've got my friends. they love me unconditionally.

so why do we still seek for that romantic kind of love? is it really essential?

love is a chance, but it's also a choice.

we must follow our hearts, but mind over heart has to be practiced too.

we give the perfect advice to our friends, but we can't follow our own.

we say that we don't care what other people say, but deep inside we still want to please them.

we are humans and we have the highest level of thinking, but we can get stupid.

we know how to untangle a knotty situation, but can't seem to do it.

we know we're gonna get hurt if we go a certain path, but still opt to take that risk.



there are just so many ironies in life...

** author's note: the entry below is something i wanted to write at the end of 2003. but i just never got around to writing it. here it is now... :) **


halfway through 50


come december time, most people tend to recollect events that happened during that year. i am one of those people. and this habit is something i am usually bent on taking seriously. not only do i reflect because the year has just ended, but also because i celebrate my birthday during the same month. mine becomes a "double recollection" so to speak.

i have just turned 25 -- i am halfway through 50. one friend asked me "halfway through 50? you talk like you're only gonna live til 50!"


well, i guess so. i keep telling my close friends that i don't want to live a loooong life. so hitting 50 would be like a milestone for me. if i'm already halfway there, that means i must have achieved at least a fraction of my goals. but sometimes i feel like i haven't even begun. i have goals to achieve when i hit 30, 40 and 50. i am 5 years shy from my first target and i haven't had enough guts to go out of my comfort zone. i have always admired people who have survived living on their own. perfect example would be my best friend Pornz. she's been through a lot. and she has managed to turn those trials into triumphs. i look up to her. i hold her with such high regard. ** love you bes :) **

i don't want to belittle myself. i know i have done some remarkable things. but i also know that i should have done better at most occasions.

it's never too late though. just realizing that i have to better myself is already a step forward. that's a good sign. right? right. (",)

i wish that this year would really bring more fortunes to everyone. despite the hardships, i know we will get through.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!


may all your dreams come closer to coming true.

all the best!

mwah!