10 pictures from my birthday party

i actually wanted to post all pics, but these 10 will do. :)























sorry, i'm not in the mood to add captions right now.

the birthday girl's poem


i wrote the poem below when i was sending out invitations to my birthday party -- which was well attended by the way. i was surprised that a lot of people still made it last saturday. :) we all had a blast :D

thanks guys. i'm still smiling until now. ;) *hugs*

anyway, writing this poem was sort of a spur of the moment. i was simply typing the details about my party, and i wanted to add a line in the end -- some sort of a quotation. but i ended up writing a poem.





-lull-


a serene smile
complements
her sad pair of eyes

loud voice
conceals
her real fears

toughness in aura
makes up for
her weaknesses

the sound of laughter
fends
for her misery

slowly she walks away
far from the the big picture

self defining moments
all start flooding back
of the 12 months past

consuming
reminiscing

as she celebrates her natal day


- graveyard zombie
12/5/2004

tearful morning


i'm really trying to see things your way, but i'm having a hard time.

Lord, bakeeeet??

tonight will be my birthday celebration. bakit isa isa silang nag b-back out? i've thrown parties in the past and they were all well attended. what's happening now?

my birthday party is just one thing.

it just gets worse. work is becoming...uhm...not favorable anymore. :( i feel like a ping pong ball here. they need me here, they need me there. i don't know which group they want to put me in. but if this restructuring is what's best for us, then i have to accept it and give my full support.

i am not a big whiner, but several changes are happening so quickly and i can't seem to understand why. whew! what a birthday.

kayo na po bahala sa amin.

i've cried a bucket of tears today. how can i exactly have a happy birthday? :/

masyado kang maarte.

wla akong panahon sa yo.

trite expressions


when will a guy realize that he is good enough for me?
why can't they see themselves the way i see them?

i'm tired of hearing this:
"i'm not good enough for you. you're special and i don't want to hurt you. i don't want to risk it".

err...i actually don't feel special knowing that i'm not worth the risk. ano ba. all people who enter a relationship are bound to get hurt. and when that time comes, LET ME DEAL WITH THE PAIN.

"i just don't want you to get hurt by me. besides, you deserve someone better din."

haay. all the guys i've met use the same line! what if no one's better than you? why not consider yourself the best one out there?

"eh kase..."

hay naku..we don't simply jive. dbale na nga.

:S

so i asked a male friend.

"ganun ba talaga kayo mga lalake? does your insecurity really get in the way? or is just that a line to politely get away with the situation."

"nde jar. it's not always like that. if a guy has good intentions, and he really sees himself not good enough for you, he'll step backwards."

isa pang malakas na haaaaaaaaaayyy....

holiday kung holiday!


the company-wide Christmas party definitely lifted my spirits. the birthday blues are still here, but they're in dormant status. :P

and yes, i almost forgot about your existence. ganun kasaya ang party at halos nakalimutan kita. galing! :D

maybe i should just go out more often. yeah, i've been doing that already. weddings, birthday parties/inuman, paul van dyk event, company Christmas party! woohoo!


so here are some (ay, a lot pala! haha!) pics from recent gimmicks/events:



in my car; you'd think we were having our own party while travelling. ang kkulet namen grabe!



with my escorts at the wedding reception :P



full body shot. naks. nag dress ako! huwaw! :D



sa sobrang feel ko ng hairdo ko, ayan, picture ulet pag uwi



at NBC Tent; paul van dyk gig; as Orange would say, "daming cute ah! ang konti lang ng panget dto!" nabusog nga mga mata ko...



emote pa Meng!



Christmas Party at the PICC Forum; one of the best parties i've attended this year :D



group kiss! mmmmwwwaaaahh!



o, blind item number ano na ba...? :P



mukha talga kmeng talk show hosts dto sa pose na to. hahaha!!!



hangdaming tao!!! libo2 daw anadun nung party? *shocked*



with Macromedia's show girl. she's still our winner. :)



comment ng friend ko, "sinabi ni Lord kay jarjar na mag tube sya nung party. tube kung tube!" haha!

birthday blues


just 10 more days and i will turn another year older.

recently, i was feeling low. and i thought it wouldn't happen this year. but i guess depression will always hit me every time my birthday is near. and no, it's not about the fear of getting old.

it's something else...

i have been trying to make a rationale why depression creeps in whenever i'm about to have my birthday. people keep telling me that there must be a reason behind it. statements go like this: "maybe something's missing in your life. or maybe someone is missing in your life". what the hell?!?! you mean a significant other? ugh. not again. when will people consider a single person normal? geeze!

i had a wonderful chat with a good friend on the topic, and he took the words out of my mouth:

"i think it is because birthdays represent a milestone for every year that has gone by and makes you reflect on what you have done (or not yet done). like when I think back, i feel like i would have wanted to get more done by this age than what i have actually accomplished."

i know i haven't fulfilled all my goals. YET. but i'm getting there.

my life isn't so bad after all. in fact, i could sum up my life in these three words:
I AM BLESSED.

how can the same person who gave me happiness also cause me pain?

how can you have such power?

i owe you.


thanks to you, i have learned more facts about life. although these things may sound shallow, they are actually essential as i try to survive this crazy planet.

it is amazing how a simple encounter with one guy helped me gain more understanding about the entire male species.

i have significantly proven to myself that:

-- i don't have to settle; my standards are non-negotiable
-- i have a whole lifetime to love and believe in myself, and i would want a partner who shares the same concept about himself
-- i am my own bestfriend
-- i should ALWAYS consider guys perverts until proven otherwise; it's better to be cautious than ego-bruised and bitter in the end, right?
-- never allow a guy friend to court me or to like me more than a friend
-- never let a spark come between me and someone from the same circle of friends; no more awkward moments
-- i must try not to like someone's family too much until guaranteed that i can see them again (i miss them already...)
-- if a guy asks me, "pwede manligaw?", i will simply raise my eyebrows and throw him a question back, "if you can tell the difference between flirting and courting, then yes."
-- i am not yet ready to handle someone who is insecure
-- girls are really more mature than guys (ugh, i can give a thousand examples on this)
-- boys will be boys (oh i'm sure this doesn't have to be explained further! haha!)
-- my next boyfriend will be soooooo lucky; i will lavish him with all the care and attention i can give. and i'm not bragging about this. i simply know it's true ;)
-- sometimes, it's not bad to do a lil bit more of a background check on someone; what i know now could have been helpful then
-- no matter how convinced i am that there 'never was and there never will be', there will always come a time that i will say to myself: "it could have been you...(but you were a jerk)"
-- my friends love me sooo much that they could kill someone who would hurt me (syet naiyak ako as i was typing this. i love you guys!)
-- boy issues will be a part of my life; i have to get used to it

so there. even if you hurt me (or was it just my ego?), the experience still helped me grow as a person.

thank you. i owe you. :)

hmm...at naisip ko dn, my kid sister will get a million pieces of advice from me the moment she starts having boy issues of her own (sana matagal pa yun...). :D

love you sis!

i should have known better.

tama, ang lalake tanga. ang babae, tanga by choice.

if you're trying to beat me in my own game, think again. you may have just met your match.

watch out.

sweet november


november went by so fast. this month gave my social life more vigor.

my most recent gimmick was an out of town trip that i almost had to pass up. people were actually stopping us from leaving. why? our destination was Baguio City. :D

oh don't fret, the use of the term "outbreak" was definitely an exaggeration. as you may have heard by now, there was no outbreak of meningococcemia in Baguio.

yes, we all came back to Manila in perfect health. for a while we had to lie to some people at work that we didn't go to Baguio, doing this gave us an excuse not to buy them pasalubongs. hehe.

for this weekend, i planned to go to the beach (Galera or Batangas), but our salary won't be in until next tuesday (darn!) and i don't want to spend the cash that's left with me. i need to save up, save up and save up! a birthday dinner is happening in a few weeks. *wink*


some of the pictures taken this month:


team dinner at Moksha -- one of the best places to eat in the metro!



hmmm..i'm the only straight person in this picture. haha!



same faces, only this time i was getting cold



pachuchay and jarjar



at pearl drive parking lot



starbucks in baguio



at gerry's sm baguio with dude



with dude's super hyper and smart niece, rinoa



i fell in love with this kid immediately! she's such a darling!



home sweet home



can you see our slim christmas tree? hehe. my mom threw away the old bulky one. :/

"what you have to remember in this damn life is that you have a choice."

maybe you should have also told me that it's never easy. making a choice is not just about what i want. being selfish is something i was never good at. thinking about what you want or need would always come to surface.

making a decision embraces everyone and everything i care about.

is that so bad? :/

... and a partridge in a pear tree


for the first time since i became single, i am actually looking forward to the holiday season.

everyone knows what Christmas does to single people like me. it's something that we dread.

the past 3 years saw me wanting to skip christmas. i am still alone now, but am no longer lonely. maybe it's because i am preoccupied with a lot of things: work, school, social life, plans of vacationing and even working abroad, and oh yeah, dating. okay, let's include flirting on the list. :)

but whatever the reason is behind my reformed attitude, i am simply thankful. i now have the eagerness of a child: all giddy and worry free during this time of the year.

sulking just because you're alone during the holidays is an absolute waste of time. it's Jesus' birthday for heaven's sake! we should celebrate it.

my only wish is that all single people be in the same happy disposition that i'm in right now.

i conquered my fear after all. i no longer cringe at the thought of Christmas. and i hope this will last.

next: overcoming the fear of Valentine season :P

i don't like having regrets in life. i always make it a point to stand firm in the decisions i make.

but right now, there is something i desperately want to delete from my history.
and if you ask me if i would want to take it back, my answer would be an astounding
ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY!

i would take it back. in a heart beat.

oh God. i don't know what got into me. i am soo out of it. *sigh*


what makes my situation worse is that i can't do anything about it. nothing. zilch.

ugh, somebody shoot me please. :|

hindi na kita madalas isipin
minsan nalang

tuwing araw at gabi

-- Hindi Na
by The Company


once again, i am deeply moved by a song from this fantastic OPM group. the other one is "Paki Sabi Na Lang" -- but my story for this song goes way back when i was still in college. hmmm...maybe i should blog about it one of these days...



>><<

i am making progress with the guy. i wish i can say all the juicy details here. but i wanna leave that between just him and me. *wink wink*

this thing i have going on is really helping me as far as self-discovery is concerned.

i'm delighted to find out that i can be a big flirt if i wanted to. haha!



>><<

geeze...i just realized that i posted -- number one: something emotional and two: something superficial (or sexual?) in one entry.

ano ba talaga mood ko ngayon?

hoity toity


someone's making me smile.

and flirting has a lot to do with it. ;)

perhaps what makes it more exciting is that no one knows that i'm into him. people see us as friends. good friends. everything platonic. and unless you're a very good observant, you can't tell who i'm eyeing ;)

YES. flirting is indeed healthy. and i'm beginning to believe that it's an activity that is second nature to sagittarians like me. hey, we're not a fire sign for nothing. ;) but i am what you can call a subtle flirt. harmless flirt even.

i remember a few weeks back, i texted Twin at a time that i was feeling low:
"do you really need someone to get over someone?"

her reply was leaning to a 'yes'. and although my current object of affection -- or flirtation -- is not exactly a 'someone', at least he makes me smile. and i have reaffirmed my belief that i haven't lost my touch. :P hmmm...may appeal pa naman pala ako. hayaan nyo na ko sa ganung paniniwala. :D


>><<

second sem na!!! na-stress na naman ako sa enrollment. :|

am excited for Master Lee. she's now taking up her M.A. too. :D

i'm really bent on finishing my M.A.
i hope nothing will hinder me from achieving this.

i miss teaching. *sigh*


>><<

pictures ulet! :D




at last weekend's party



macromedia peeps



sila ulet; doing what they do best -- inuman! woohoo!



recent sunday movie group at GB3. i love this pic. parang pang commercial ng mcdo :)



at Kitchen GB3. virginal pose daw yan ni bes. :D

life after goodbye


it's painful enough to say goodbye. what's worse is when i don't know whether or not i'd be seeing you again.

what happens after goodbye?


i am standing here. on a fine line between holding on and giving up.
it doesn't matter what i choose because in the end, it all hurts just the same.

the magic is gone.

this is exactly the same way i felt when i was a little girl -- the time when i found out that there was no santa clause.

so now i know. there is no you.

or maybe there is. s-o-m-e-d-a-y.

so if there really is such a thing as a next lifetime, then i'm willing to die now.

during those times, i wasn't avoiding you. i just had to stay away for a while.

i was not abandoning you or our friendship. you see, i was not quitting.
i was coping.

why?


because i couldn't look at you without my heart breaking.

"life is a stage, and you are the main act"



it all boils down to this:
i can only depend on myself.

absolutely no one but myself.

i simply do not understand the reason -- or the absence of reason -- why people hurt me. what the hell is their motive?

no man is an island, i know. but it is during these times that i choose to be alone. i choose not to be too trusting anymore; to question every move that these people make; to raise my eyebrows everytime they ask something from me; to dismiss every single bit of compliment they throw at me; to keep my secrets confined to my soul and no one else's.

i'd rather not invest 100% of my trust in them rather than be disappointed of having been betrayed in the end.

there comes a point in your life when you feel that no one on this planet genuinely cares about you. and when that time comes, you have to be ready.

so i am slowly building that wall again. and i don't know when i'd be ready to let the wall be taken down...but i am certain that it won't be anytime soon.

no, i am not lonely. it's just i'm being more careful. i just want to protect myself because no one will do it for me.

i've been caring and loving too much for others that my own happiness has been sacrificed too many times. things will change soon -- and you bet it's for the better.

it's about time to aim the spotlight on me.

sleepless at cafe adriatico


S: "ngayon alam mo na. kahit ilang beses ka binigyan ng advice noon, wlang kwenta yun. bulag ka kung bulag ka. you wouldn't have listened to us anyway because you didn't know if we were right or wrong."

K: "oo nga. pero malinaw na lahat ngayon. and i don't need any piece of advice from others. it's true -- mauuntog ka nalang isang araw. and you'll realize what's best for you all on your own...
...ALL ON MY OWN."

S: "nangyari na. nasaktan ka. just be thankful that it all happened."

K: "yup. no regrets." *smiles*



>><<

"you can have it all. you just can't have it all at one time."
-- quoted from one of the people i admire most: Oprah Winfrey


>><<

yung kaaway ko, plastic pa ren.

kebs na.

seething mad


there should be a huuuuuge line that separates work from personal issues. but people like you keep crossing that line unceasingly.

but you wouldn't know about such line, would you? oh! why am i not surprised.
and do you also know what professionalism means?? oh wait, do you even know how that word is spelled???!??!?!

#&!^@&*@!!#&$!!!!!

you are soooo lucky that someone stopped me from confronting you today. i should have made a scene. and it should have been a good one.

kung sinampal kita kanina pumanget ka. LALO.

every time i get sick with my job, i look at the bright side -- the people. and they may be the only reason why i'm still here.

not until today.

now, one by one, they are turning into monsters.

i don't know whom to trust anymore.

isa lang talaga napatunayan ko...nagkalat ang backstabbers sa mundong ito.


"....'cause where I lay my trust in others, where it lies the ground is thin..."

i don't want to be


I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I'm trying to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

--> I don't want to be, Gavin deGraw



i am sooo loving this song. yun lang :) i love watching one tree hill too. haaay...danda danda ni brooke at haley! pewcha nattibo na yata ako ah....

sembreak's here! thank God. :D i had to cram for my projects last sunday. yep, sleep deprived by choice! i should've had more time in my hands had i not watched my teammates play bowling last saturday. but the bonding we had that day made all my sacrifices definitely worth it. and nothing beats talking to people who haven't had any sleep. if you heard us talking, you'd think we were drunk. wla talaga kmeng sense kausap nun!




at Powerbowl. getting ready for the game.



papano na kaya kme kung nde naimbento ang camera



at Dencio's Rockwell. borlogs nalang. almost 24 hrs na kmeng gising



rooftop view. posing with my model friend clyde ;) bagay ba kme? hehe



salam and jarjar. syempre nde kumpleto pag wlang pic ang mag best friend

nuninuninuninu...........


yes, i make these sacrifices without asking or expecting anything in return. it's all out of love. but there are instances that you really make it easy for me to hate you. and that makes me think. hard. really hard.

simpleng katangahan na magsakripisyo para sa wala. OO. alam ko yun. pero anong ginawa ko?????

years from now, i will look back to this day and just laugh it all off.

kung baket ba kse nde pwedeng maging wa-is sa buhay at pag ibig at the same time. baket? bakeeeet????

but you gotta give me some credit. i've been exerting effort to help myself...


...but not as much as i should.


*deep sigh*

beclouded


life is never what it seems

flimsy promises
only empty and fleeting words

how do you redeem the faith that's been lost perpetually?
look at what's left of me
it leaves me broken and deceived

just when i thought i have buried everything in my past
without warning
memories keep flooding back
and slowly i crawl into my dark space again

it's senseless to keep risking and fighting
when there's nothing left to lose or gain

in my mind i'm struggling
but in my heart i'm struggling more

-f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s-
ver. 3



there comes a time in my life when i withhold to do something because i am almost sure that i am bound to get hurt. but i still end up taking the risk. i do it because i am also certain that it's gonna hurt more to know and look back that it could have been my greatest happiness.


>><<
with everything i've been through, i've learned that love -- and life -- has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get; only with what you are expecting to give --which can be EVERYTHING.


>><<
there's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or how not to cry too hard.


>><<
i tend to step in too close that the whole perspective is but a blur already...


>><<
the poem i wrote, by the way, wasn't about you. i didn't even realize that it might sound like it was when i wrote it. it was about someone else. this boy. but it's inconsequential now, because he's just a poem to me now.

nothing more.


>><<
her motto was, "let go."
his was, "hold on."
it was as if she was ready to fall and he was willing to catch her.


>><<
it sucks, but that's life. it hurts to let go of something but always rememeber may kapalit yan na mas ok. :)
-->texted to me by a dear friend

SALAM


happy birthday to my dearest best friend.

bes, it is important to me that you know how special you are. i've never met anyone bolder, braver, funnier and with a more unique name than you. :) God only knows what you've been through and i am happy that you had managed to come through. when you were thinking of giving up, the thought of losing you really scared me to death. i never want to see you doubting your strength again.

thank you for being the brutally honest yet sensitive best friend to me. i wouldn't have learned from my mistakes if you hadn't let me. now, i can say na "natuto na ko". *wink*

i pray that we would remain an open and unpretensious friendship. remember that you can always depend on me..and Him. :)

i love you bes and i miss you soooooooooo much. *bearhugs*

still dangling on a string...but with a firmer grip this time


so this is how it feels.

i can't believe it has been a year since i started blogging. wow. it has been an eventful year indeed.

i backtracked to my very first post and as i was reading it, i have concluded that i am still the same person, only this time, i feel that i am armed with more experience and confidence to face my fears and enemies.

i am still the same person who, no matter how optimistic she can be -- still has the tendency to worry. badly.

i am still the same person who, regardless of knowing what she loves to do, is still having a damn hard time deciding which path to take.

i am the still the same person who, despite being broken hearted a numer of times, will still take that risk to fall in love. over and over again.

i am still the same person who, despite having committed mistakes in life, will still not regret and blame herself for doing so.

yes, i may still be going through the same misfortunes and i am still hanging by a single strand of hope. but my grip has become firmer. all i had to do was put my faith in Him. something so simple can be so wonderful.

and blogging had a lot to do with it. had it not been for my daily musings and my friends' comments, i will not be reaffirmed that i am worth it.

very much worth it.

pictuuuuures!!!


some of my recent pics with my second family. :)



the only time that we were on morning shift for this year. grabe nag celebrate kme. lunch out! haha!



ayan. pati former manager kasama namen. ganun kme kasaya :)



profile photo for socials committee. memorable yang pic na yan. hehe. ako nalang nakakalaam kung baket ;)



ang bagong iyak na jarjar. tamang umiyak ako sa party dba. drama ko. syeeet.
pero project pa rin sa camera. :P



masakit na mata ko nyan. hay usok ng yosi. eeeww. :P



posing with Juboy, one of the bday peeps. at syempre laging may sisingit. hehe. favorite ko yang shirt ni jubs na yan. la lang.



oriental friday. fish event at work. hay nde talaga ko papasang chinese. kulay ko palang eh. haha!



robo launch. naks nag wine daw kme. ok pa kme nung product launch. ngayon ngarag na lahat ng tao :( beer na ulet, wla ng wine wine!



sabi ko nga masaya pa ko nung launch eh. wla lang. gusto ko lang ng solo pic :P



at dahil bagong gupit si pachuchay, nagpicture taking kme. hehe



yun lang. next time ulet :D

The Lone Warrior


Love so tangible it pulsates

Enraptures me, seduces me

I grasp to embrace it



A blazing heat of fiery motion

Energy beyond imagination

A feast for the starving



As the moon rules the tides

So your love intoxicates me

Vibrations ripen my desire



No sorrow until I found it

A void unfurls as we part

Giving birth to longing



My senses still writhing

I don my mask, abandon my despair

The lone warrior again

happiness can be found on edsa


i still have it.

i can still manage to pysche myself that my day will be a good one. or that i can be happy if i badly want/need to. call it fake but at least it works for me. it snaps me out of depression -- and even from anger. ;)

it occurred to me that everytime i drive to and from work, it gives me the perfect opportunity to contemplate on a lot of things. it is also during these times that i tend to become emotional. on top of all these, the worrywart side of me starts to surface.

last night i tried to reverse that. it was a smooth drive.

being on the road is an everyday thing for me. that being said, i cannot let myself sulk every freaking moment of it. i tried to acquire the old attitude i once had. the free spirited me. the one who didn't torture herself from worrying too much. i did that when i was younger. why can't i do it again now?

i have to remind myself that sometimes, even i've done everything and anything, things will still suck in the end. and that's ok. i should stop worrying and i should even be proud of myself that i've exhausted all that i can. my gaaaaaad, i actually cared that much to go through all the trouble! nde pala talaga ako manhid at makasariling tao.

i kept thinking of happy and encouraging thoughts until i reached the office. and i still kept doing silent prayers while driving.

i've never felt better.

THE END.


i don't know what's worse: the fact that you never came close to how i feel about you; or the painful reality that i will always be your second best.

you have reinforced my inherent trust towards people like you. i blame you for making me shun my belief in the true meaning of the word "sorry". i cringe whenever you utter that word to me. saying sorry habitually to the same person makes the act of apology insincere. the manner you say 'sorry' is as casual as you say 'hi'.

they say that actions speak louder than words. you suck at both.

you never heard me speak this way to you. that's because i've always been enchanted with you.

until now.

yeah, you probably think i'm stupid. I'M NOT. it's just that i have a foolish heart.

i realized that i have a choice. and that it's not too late to pick the right one.

i guess somehow i've learned something from all this: i don't have to settle. it's only now that i've fully understood what people mean when they tell me "you deserve the best". obviously, you're not the best one out there.

i loathe every inch you. at oo, gusto kitang sampalin! potah.



>><<
i wasn't able to make it to bloggers night. don't ask why. baka sumama rin loob nyo sa taong yun. tama na yung ako lang ang galit sa knya.

those rare moments of silence


i have really messed up my body clock. i am always awake at night even during my rest days. i feel alone in the house, and i am pleased. the silence gives me an overwhelming sense of peace. during these ungodly hours, i recollect moments of silence that i have experienced or just witnessed...


i take pleasure in the silence in our home whenever i rouse from my sleep at 2am. the silence of the city when it sleeps. silence of a song the moment it reaches its ending.

there is silence between a tainted friendship. silence between two people whose trust was destroyed. silence between a man and wife with undeniable loss of affection.

the uncomfortable silence after getting someone hurt. knowing that even saying sorry proves futile.

there is silence of a great hatred. silence of a dwindling respect for someone you once adored.

the comforting silence after crying buckets of tears. regaining my strength and sense of hope.

i have learned the silence of immense love. too full of passion for the tongue to utter it.

i find myself voiceless in the presence of these realities. i cannot speak.

my silence will be misinterpreted. they don't know that i have actually said something.


i have given out a silent scream.



>><<
PS,

thank you to everyone who made thoughtful comments on my "bittersweet solitude" post. i truly appreciate all the words of comfort.

and thank you for all the cyberhugs. :) i almost felt it. and yes, i'm feeling better now.

hmmm..bihira to..i'm in a giddy mood while blogging. :)


see you all on bloggers' night! :D
>><<

bittersweet solitude


what hooked me to blogging was the idea that i'd actually have a place where i can cast out my emotions -- be it positive or negative. and so i've never seen my blog as something with a purely melancholic theme.

until my friend O.C. told me this:
"maybe if you stop blogging, you'll stop being depressed."

huh? are you saying that i only blog about the most somber moments of my life?

well, perhaps that IS true.

if i would brood through my pages, most of things i wrote about were far from anything exciting. MOST, but not all. and so i still wouldn't consider this as a blog filled with depressing thoughts.

like any other person, i am constantly learning. and had it not been for the all the pain i've experienced, i will not grow. writing, aside from cooking, is my favorite therapy. after typing whatever's in my heart and whatever's on my mind, i actually feel better. and that feeling is anything but dismal.

O.C usually sees me blogging with a sad face. sometimes my eyes are even filled with tears. i know he made that comment because for the past few days, i haven't been smiling. i still do, but my smiles and laughters are half hearted. you will not see a twinkle in my eyes.


i am lonely.

the loneliness is palpable.

and i really need a hug right now. a warm hug. one that feels like home.