weekend report


i ended up sulking last friday night. both of my plans didn't push through. my friends had to cancel at the last minute.

i think im gonna start believing that friday the 13th is doomed.



>><<


Master Lee's birthday


saturday was better -- or, at least until OC and i got lost on our way home from the party. we reached the province of angono??!?!? i'm not sure where (kse nga naligaw kme eh :P). OC woke me up from my sleep and told me that we had a problem. when i saw that there were no buildings anywhere, all i could say to him was "we're lost". we were surrounded by mountains.

eventually, we got back on track. seeing the sign "welcome to antipolo city" gave me soooo much relief.

we left the party around 4:30am, it was still dark. i got home almost 2 hours later. and the sun has already risen. :)

i can't remember all the drinks i've tried at the party. but they were all good. sooo good! i didn't get drunk by the way. but i wanted to -- just for the experience. :) there's another party this saturday...hehe...


the pictures:



pink was the color of the night



was this photo taken before or after Joie harassed me? haha! mahirap kang malasing neighbor!



alin alin ang naiba. labyu Uberclyde!



hello Cay! :) seeing you at the party was really a wonderful surprise



with dive instructor rey k -- and he's a potential fire dance instructor too :P



mawawala ba to? me and Twin's nth picture with this pose. :P


>><<

a proud ate


i watched my sister's piano recital last sunday. the event inspired me to play the piano again. :)

justine received first honors award. mana sa ate? ;)




that's her



we also have a signature shot ;)



goofing around



==

it was never really about me


i gotta have to stop worrying about other people too much. half the time i am blaming myself that i haven't done all i could as a friend. it makes me guilty. even if i don't have anything to do with their misfortunes, i start to think that i am partly at fault. i let the stupid idea nibble at the edges of my mind.

this is crazy. i can only do so much to help them. Martyr must have been my middle name in my past life.

i can be sickeningly optimistic and be a worry wart at the same time. a dichotomy of sorts.



>><<


after posting the entry above, i looked at the date.
friday the 13th pala ngayon.

let's see if something freaky happens today :P



==

a different kind of name game


if you could say his name without feeling anything, it means you're over him.

-- words from a dear friend, Pachuch. spoken a few months back.

she was in fact referring to her ex -- that she could say his name without a trace of bitterness, pain, or anything that makes anyone sad over a past relationship.

at that time, i followed what she said. and so i uttered his name.

and i walked over to Pachuch.

i was crying.


>>>>> fast forward to today <<<<<


i can say his name 10 times and i can smile. :D yes, it's a genuine smile.

i know someone who's also doing this "am-i-over-this-person-test". hey you! you know who you are. :) am glad that this "test" is somewhat useful to you too. hehe. kaso pare, nde sya tongue twister. you have to say your ex's name, and not say the line over and over. haha! miss you! kelan ba balik mo ng manila? ;)

i discovered another "test". it's when you see your ex, or even just his picture..and you find yourself saying "hmmm..nde pla sya ganun ka gwapo".

love is indeed blind. :)



==

you cannot escape your past.

but you can make peace with it and move on.



-- quoted from Traci Lords




==

blossoming beginnings in May


the best kind of triumphant feeling is when you've just recovered from a very low moment in your life.

i am currently enjoying that feeling. :)

no other prize could match that.


pure joy.
pure freedom.
pure love.


i am an absolute winner.


...all because of Him. thank you Lord. :)



==

best before april 30, 2005


i am now officially a bum.

my resignation is effective today.

i made a couple of visits to the office during my 2-week terminal leave (yep, i can't get enough of sykes!). one in particular was quite disturbing. it was when i saw a newbie already occupying my station. technically, it was still MY station until yesterday. wouldn't mind if someone was already using my station, but i would've appreciated it if he put my stuff away decently. haaay. :( it just felt strange. kind of like the way i felt when my car was being towed away. sangtabi nalang ako. so sad.

and since this marks my actual date of resignation (and for the sake of those who weren't able to read my email), might as well post my farewell letter.


>><<


Subject: bittersweet goodbye


NOTHING...


lasts forever.


It has been a fulfilling journey. And this is my farewell.

To everyone I have worked for, with and against (wla naman sigurong against :P), thank you.

I have come a long way since day one, and every moment I spent here has been indeed, a blessing.

While I am thrilled to move on outside the company, I am sad to leave a bunch of great people here. You guys are the most endearing people I have ever met...or probably will ever meet in my life. When work had become too toxic, you guys served as my only inspiration to go on.

My entire stay in MM has given me lots of pieces of the puzzle. But there is a missing piece, and it is something I have to find elsewhere.

To my CS family (GEN, PARTS and EMAIL) - I wouldn't have you guys in any other way. I wouldn't have survived 3 years if you guys weren't the kind of people that you are. Working with CS GEN to PARTS then back to CSGEN/OLS was one roller coaster ride, and I L-O-V-E-D it. It was as much an accomplishing as it was a humbling experience for me. I think I have never embraced a job the way I did here. I had the best times with everyone - on and off the floor.

To my Beautiful Lumps of Coal - my kindred, the original MMCS bloggers. Thank you for introducing me to the world of blogging. Writing has always been my therapy and at most times it has kept me sane.

MM Socials Committee - stressful as it may have been, I truly enjoyed all the events we've organized - team buildings, parties, fund raisers, fish fridays, etc. I seriously considered having a career as an events organizer. :) We have proven that imitation is indeed the best form of flattery when other accounts copied our ideas.

MMIT - I really would have applied at your group if only I were qualified. Thank you for always making me feel welcome in your circle.

MMTS - if I could have it my way, I would have bonded more with you guys. Sensya na sa mga panahon na maingay kme (or ako lang..hehe).

MMAPAC - if only NA and APAC can merge, that would be a blast. :) Thank you for always accommodating me whenever I visit your floor.

To the newbies, I wish I had the chance to know you guys better. I wish you guys all the best. :)


I will always be proud to have been a part of Macromedia. If someone would ask me the best career experience I had, I'd say -- in a heartbeat -- my time in Macromedia. :)


I will miss you guys. It's already a given.



Ms. Explain signs off...


--Jarjar



>><<



and my special email to my friends at work...



Subject: because you're in my heart...


You guys are the closest to my heart...and I have a special message for each of you.


Mjay - I could not leave without thanking you. You will always be our Mommy Jay. It was so difficult to see you leave MM, and I thought we couldn't make it. But you molded us into the strong people that we've become. Thanks for having faith in us.

Joie - the most overwhelming thing anyone could have ever said to me came from you. Nothing beats being told that "you matter". Thank you for your trust and confidence in me.

Meme - you are my twin sister in more ways than one. Oftentimes I am able to understand the perplexities of life (and love?) because of you. You know how I feel even before I say a word. Twin, the words "you deserve better" finally makes sense to me, and you did a lot to make me understand that.

Lee - somehow, I knew all along that you were looking after me. :D Ada is not the only angel I've met on earth. You are a genuinely caring person. You have witnessed me rise and fall several times and I couldn't have done it without you. You inspire me with your courage and strength. I will see you in UP campus. ;)

Jhon -- one of my best male buddies. Jhon, I feel privileged to be your friend. Countless times you've proven to me that I can do anything. Thank you. :)

Clyde -- the very first person I made friends with here at Macro. If it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't have a social life, and a fashion sense. Hehe. You are my first and last team building buddy! Now, we will be roommates again in Bora! :)

Jayvee - I guess im no longer fickle minded my friend. This time, it's for real. L Im actually flattered that you've tried to convince me to stay. And I did, albeit temporarily. Your presence made me look forward to go to work. You are my "queer eye for the straight girl" mentor. Thanks for teaching me how to live life the grand way, and not making me feel guilty about it. :)

Cathy - my very first TL. Thanks to you, I am more conscious of my grammar. Ms. Auto-Correct. Hehe. Scissor? One lang? :P Seriously Edjy, I am so proud of your achievements! Isa kang idol!

Ian - you are sunshine personified. Natuto akong wag masyadong maging pikon dahil syo. :) Sino na manggugulat sakent? Or ttawag saken ng Bettina, Dang or Charlene? :P Thank you for not only being my coach on the floor, more importantly, you have been my life coach.

Trish - pachuchay. you are a wonderful combination of cuteness and smartness. And you're right, I can never forget the time when I asked you if our teasings were getting on your nerves. I guess that was when true friendship began between us.

Benneth - I have always admired your professional ways, but you also know when to be candid. I enjoyed our HK trip. Tama ka, isa syang laugh trip. Isang mahal na laugh trip. :) bsta pag stressed ka na sa work, just shout "whoooo!". :P

Jules - what I wrote in your friendster testimonial remains true. I admire you for everything that you are. Thank you for always reminding me that I am worth it. I made some of the best decisions in life because of your influence. I really owe you. Oh, and thanks for encouraging me to grow my hair long. It took me a year before I finally listened noh. Hehe.

Paolo - sana noon pa tyo naging close. I really thought you were a quiet and shy person. Mali pla ako. Maling mali! :P Seriously, I hope you realize how an amazing person you are, the same way that you made me realize that I am one. :)

Pio - I'm glad that we got to know each other, or else your first impression on me will never be erased. Cnong mataray, ako ako ako!!?? :P now I know why you are labelled a ladies' man...coz you make any girl feel like a princess. :)

Pauline - you know how special you are to me. It is the pureness of your heart that makes you truly lovable. You have accepted me for what I am, and you've never ever judged me. You made me understand that I had to go through all these to help me grow into the person that I am today. :)

Meng -- one of the people i can count on if i need an honest opinion about anything. Isa kang totoong tao Meng. And I hope you remain that way. :)

Hazel -- I've shared the most interesting conversations with you, and not only about great kikay finds. :) you've always supported me in my plans of becoming a teacher. I know we will soon fulfill our goals. Good luck to us. :)

Angelo -- we may have only "talked" once, but that talk has made all the difference. thanks angelo. :)

Marlon -- the adopted CS. You have always been there for me. Whatever you decide to do (maging developer or surfer k man), I wish you all the best man! Thanks for the times na pinaiyak mo ko...I needed that. :)

Princeton -- until now, nakatatak saken ung cnabi mo..."ang buhay mo nasa labas ng sykes". well, i'm exploring that world now. thanks ston. :)

Jikjik -- ikaw ang sosyal na nde sosyal. :) i will miss our yosi and coffee breaks. you are one of my kuya's here in macro, always there to protect me.

Chuckee -- I'm really glad we patched things up. I was so worried that you wouldn't speak to me again. :/ Thanks for being nice to me pa ren. :) I will never find anyone who speaks tagalog cuter the way you do!

Kirby -- dude. :) in case i haven't told you -- you are one sweet person. Kahit sa ka-barkada mo, sobrang sweet ka. Tsaka malakas ka mang asar. :P Remember the time when we had a small talk at Majay's party? I could never forget that. You helped me get back on my feet. Thanks dude. :)

Acee -- the only MM person I know na mas mataray p saken. :P remember how we usually bump into each other sa ladies' room? hehe. i knew we would bond beyond the rest room. haha! and we did. kita kits nalang sa shopping malls? :P

Jouie -- cguro if we were in showbiz, tayo na yung on-screen partners. :P Thank you for making me realize how special i am.

Ren -- one smart and hardworking gal. you've given me lots of inspiration! thanks for all the pieces of advice. You're right, if we have faith in ourselves, we can do anything.

Cocoy -- minsan feeling ko journal kita. you know a lot about what i'm going through, and you're always ready to listen kahit busy ka. thanks coy. :)

Rinier -- more than the laugh trips, we've shared sensible chats about life. thanks dear. i wish you true happiness...and good health? :)

Chit -- you are more than a coffee buddy to me. thanks for all the good times. you are one of the humblest and coolest people i've met. i'll see you at starbucks morato! :D

Dona -- di ko akalain na mababaw ang luha mo! mas mababaw pa saken. hehe. :) i really had a great time being your seatmate. lahat ng gulat moments ko nakita mo. :D good luck on your MBA. :)

Thet -- yes, i will keep this in mind: i will never settle. i know at some point i did, but i've learned. :)

Oh, and thanks guys for the going away "surprise" last Saturday. I was really really touched.

I love you all! *hugs hugs hugs*


--Jarjar



>><<


addendum


to ice and prims...
(kse nauna sila saken umalis so nde ko na nasama sa email...ayan EXPLAIN!!!!!! :P)

mistress ice -- i admire you for your honesty, even if it meant getting into trouble. i will always remember you as the person who stood out to be the bravest one in our round table session with GAM. i wish you success in your career and marriage. :) know that i am very fond of you and keith. God bless you both.

prima -- ang original at nag iisang batang alactagrow. :) how do you retain all that info in your head? asteeg talaga. at isa ka ring gabriela silang! i will never understand what's with F4, pero bilib ako sa pagiging fan mo sa kanila. :P i guess, our leaving was really for the best. i sincerely wish you the best in life.


and to markoboyd -- for some reason i forgot to include you in my "special" email. ugh, sorry about that. anyway, i want to let you know that i consider you as one of the most brilliant men i've ever met. sobra. reading your articles/blog entries makes me want to become a smarter person. hehe. :) you are setting a good example of what a family man should be. galing. and i know that your talents will really take you to places. keep it up man!



>><<

haaay. can't help but reminisce. so i want to post these 3 old pictures from my macromedia days. Twin, you'd probably kill me for doing this. pero kung ayaw mo ng itsura mo noon, mas ayaw ko ng itsura ko noon! haha! it was during these days when i was labelled as "lalakeng may boobs". lintek na short hair yan!



tama bang sa ladies' room mag picture taking?



i think the band name "Nene and the Virgins" was inspired by this picture :P



oo na. convinced na ko. nde na ko magpapaiksi ng buhok. puteeeeek. :D


==

unsteady


i never thought it was possible to admire and pity the same person at the same time.

i almost regret knowing about her greatest weakness. i felt like i wasn't ready for it. it was like discovering the tiny cracks of a perfectly molded figurine. it was both a disappointing and an awakening moment for me.

it gets tiring when everyone around you thinks that you're this very strong person. and when you think you've held on for the longest time, you start to break down.

seeing her extremely hurt made me realize that she's not getting the amount of love and appreciation she deserves. and i am partly responsible for it.

she doesn't have to go through this alone. after witnessing a low moment in her life, i've come to treasure and respect her one hundred times more.



==

fresh from boracay!


it was my second trip to the islands of boracay. it was sunny this time around. unlike last year, i never got to see the sun rise because there was a nasty storm. and i should have witnessed the beautiful boracay sunrise this time, but i didn't. my waking hour was always at 7am. :)

anyhow, this trip was definitely worth it. i was extremely rejuvenated. for a few days, my life was filled with nothing but pure bliss. boracay took my mind off from the things that gave me heartaches.


partial pics (hehe...oo partial palang to. i have lots of fave pics from this trip!)



by the house where we stayed. nde ung nasa likod namen, sa harap namen. haha!



at Jonah's...where you wait for your fruit shake for almost an hour -- but only when the place is jampacked.



with a first timer in bora, Orange



bat ganun? ayoko na, mas payat pa legs mo saken Uberclyde :P



water fun!



pina-pose ako nyan...o.a noh?



dinner at Aria



gimmick at summer place


still at summer place, before watching the fire dance competition (astig yun!)



the guy i wanted to marry. hehe. i wish i knew his name :( hanggang picture lang ako



one of my fave pics...with one of my favorite people, Master Lee



eto pa. did i mention that she's one of my favorite people in the world? :)



favorite people multiplied



we were on our way to Diniwid resort, but we had to take a break from walking. so ayan, picture ulet.



enjoying our after dinner drinks at True Food



==

living a bum life


...is not for me.

i've been waking up at 3am since monday morning and the first thing that comes to my mind is, "oh god, i wanna work again".

so shoot me.

anyone would trade places with me right now. vacation galore, yeah. since my training in clark has been postponed, my boracay trip is pushing through. yey! :)

i'm excited for bora. who wouldn't be? but i still keep thinking of getting a new job -- right away. ugghhh! i don't know why i've become the person who's craving for work. i've realized that working is really good for me, and i really find it very essential to my lifestyle. i just need to take a break once in a while to help me keep my balance.

oh, i just hope i'm not speaking too soon.



>><<


merging of 2 software giants


thank you for calling macromedia, i mean, adobe, i mean, macrodobe. uh-oh...

yep it's true: adobe bought macromedia.

funny how i found out about it. i dropped by the office last monday and the regional director and one of our managers broke the news to us. i know i'm no longer working for the account, but i share a history with these people. and i am as much worried as they are.

i really hope this acquisition turns out for the best.



>><<


going away surprise drinking session


our usual saturday morning after shift drinking session was extra special last weekend.

two reasons: 1) it was my last saturday as a nocturnal slave. 2) my dearest friends turned it into a surprise gathering for me

when i got to the resto, they all shouted "happy birthday!". saya. :D

i actually had an inkling that they were up to something. some of them were acting strange. i'm not dense, and they're not exactly subtle. hehe.

whether i was surprised or not, these guys really touched my heart. i really appreciate the gesture, and each of them even made a lil speech for me.


here are some pics:



jarjar and jules almighty



controversial group pic. haha!



with my favorite starbucks buddies (sa starbucks talaga napunta lahat ng sweldo naten eh!)



twin, ilan na ba picture nateng ganito kuha? bente na sabi ni deej :P



hungry and tired



posing with meryo, and displaying my nasty bruise on my left arm. bwehehe...



deej, nagmukha akong tisay sa tabi mo! haha! pa-tan ka pa ah :P



wla lang..pa cute nalang kme...



with haze and chuckee



==

there are only rare moments when i am truly at a loss for words; when i am overwhelmed with emotions that the only thing i can do is let my tears fall.

and that kind of rare moment happened when i read this: Jarjar



thanks Nemo. =) i am deeply moved.
i will save my message for you on my last day. sa friday mo na ko ulet paiyakin. love you dear! *sweet hugs*



p.s.
thanks for the wonderful work of art on that starbucks paper napkin. i really love it, and i'm sure HC would have loved it too. hihi.

may class cards na! good luck saten! :D



==

5 days to go


...and i will be a day walker again.

surprisingly, today i don't feel any bit of sadness in me. but i'm sure things will be different on my very last day at work.

just thinking about writing my farewell letter gives me a hard time sleeping. hehe.

there's this exit interview questionnaire form given to me by HR. one of questions was: If you were given the power to influence anything around -- what would be the top 2 things you would improve?

it sounded like a question for a beauty pageant. =) anyway, i honestly wanted to answer 1) coffee in the pantry and 2) dishwashing soap in the pantry. hehe. they really have to work on the quality of those 2 things.



>><<


almost drunk


what i learned last saturday: 3 bottles of san mig light followed by even just half a bottle of strong ice is NOT a good combination.

i got a nasty headache after that drinking session.
good thing my friend was nice enough to drive me home. thank you so much dear. :)



>><<


to HC,
thanks. i owe you. :)



==

suddenly i had this thought:
what if i had never met you?


ugh, do i really want to know the answer to this? :/



==

stained angel


you think the worst part is over? making a decision is just the first step.
what's more difficult is sticking to it.

i feel like i'm torturing myself just because i'm trying too damn hard to do what's right. how come doing the wrong thing is always easier?

why can't i just be evil and get away with it?




==

he will be missed




Pope John Paul II
1920-2005



the Pope i've known all my life -- he was elected Pope months before i was born.
perhaps any Catholic was moved by his death. in an odd way, i think my faith even became stronger after the incident.

reminiscent of the World Youth Day in Manila, i only saw the Pope the size of my pinkie finger for i was stationed miles away from the stage. even then, i still felt a sense of holiness when i saw him. he really did have a different charisma -- a holy one, if there's such a thing.


quoting Jonathon Luxmore (a Catholic commentator for Poland):
"One thing is for certain, he is going to be a terrifically hard act to follow."


he will continue to live in our hearts.




==

the countdown begins


i'm still not talking to my dad. i'd love to give him the cold treatment, but i simply don't have the chance. i don't get to see him. thanks to my work schedule, i get home when he's already gone. all these years of working in a call center, acquiring a nocturnal lifestyle has practically made me just a boarder in my own house.

if there's one good thing that this resignation will bring, it would be to have a normal life. yes, even if it means getting a lower salary for a day job and being stuck in traffic during the hellish rush hours...I D-O-N-T M-I-N-D. or maybe i do. but at this point, i'd give anything to get my old life back. i don't even care if i get sun damaged skin! i will embrace the very idea of facing the world -- DURING THE DAY. :)


i am relishing my last few days here at work. sometimes i find myself lonely, because the idea of leaving my friends behind is starting to sink in. :( soon, i will be dying to hear updates from them because i'd be missing out on a lot of things. syeeeeeeeeeeeettttttt!!!!! i'm about to cry....no no no!!!!


earlier today i treated a couple of friends for a few drinks after shift. it was spur of the moment (kaya wag magtatampo yung wala :P) and i really had a great time. nothing beats the combination of fried food, beer and wacky conversations with friends. i may have missed out on my own despedida party last saturday (thanks to my dad!), but the drinking session today more than made up for it. thank you guys. :) love you! mmwah!




==

rage


right now i can only think of one thing. even without trying, i keep remembering what you said yesterday. your words keep on echoing.

when someone hurts me terribly, i tend to dwell on it for a moment and it makes me forget all my other worries in life. but it has been more than just a moment.

i am still hurting.

being called useless and...ugh, "inutil" is downright degrading. see, i can't even think of an english word that would give justice and equal meaning to that term!

congratulations. you did a very good job of making my other problems seem nothing. they all just seem to shrink.

now i don't even see the point in doing my best anymore. it's not gonna change what you think of me. i will always be mediocre to you. despite my achievements, i am not a winner. in my heart i know that it's not true, but you make me think and feel otherwise.

fine. you were angry. and half the time, people don't mean the things they say when they are angry. but i know you too well. i know that you meant what you said -- every word!

i know i'm not the best daughter you could ever have and you could probably say na hindi ako mabait na anak.

...pero mabuti akong anak.




==

life is not all about what you make it.
for most part, it's actually how you take it.


C O P I N G is the key.




>><<

my online HR profile says:


employee name: jarjar
VL application: march 25, 2004
reason for application: awarded VL =)


miracles do happen. especially during lenten season.

i literally jumped for joy when i was told that i could take a VL on friday. finally!!!!!!! this is gonna be my first (and last) VL for the year at this company.


now i only have to decide where to go this weekend -- correction, LOOONG WEEKEND. :D

i can smell the beach... ;)



==

my new crush :D





she's the newest image model for bayo. but i can't find her name anywhere. :(




==

how do you spell your name?

this is soooooo true:


Do something right, no one remembers.
Do something wrong, no one forgets.


it's a harsh world out there. :|




==

semester is finally over. this sem has proven to be more difficult that the last one. more units, more requirements. and i feel more tired and sleepy most of time. one professor asked me if i am getting any sleep, or that if i actually have parents who are taking care of me.

huh?

am i that harassed looking that i'm beginning to look like an abandoned daughter?

kawawa naman yata ako. :/

but i am grateful that my professor recognizes the efforts i put into his class. he really admires me and MasterLee for our determination in earning our masters degree despite our very stressful jobs. i think it's important that your professors know that you really value your education. that's a plus factor. as a teacher, i should know. ;)


>><<


it's official.

i finalized the effectivity date of my resignation. april 30. but i will be on terminal leave by april 16.

i resubmitted my resignation letter with the final date. this time, my manager signed it. no more extensions. no more negotiations. i really couldn't settle anymore, because it turns out that there's something i have to do after i resign.

too bad, i was looking forward to becoming a bum for a while. :P i wanted it sooo bad. ever since i graduated from college, i've been working and working and working. no long vacation. no sufficient amount of rest.

i will be venturing into something new. will blog about it next time. :)


>><<

my sister dearest turned 10 yesterday.

i can't believe she's 10 already!

when she was still an infant, i loved babysitting for her. one time, i noticed that her fingernails were growing, so i cut them. i told my mom what i did and felt that i did a good job. "oh yeah, i cut her fingernails. don't worry, i was very gentle. she didn't get hurt or anything." my mom freaked out. "yeah, you were gentle...but you threw away the cut nails? that was her very first time to have her fingernails cut. you should have kept them." :/ some superstitious belief that my mom believed in. aba malay ko ba :P but i guess that's all it was -- a superstition.

now justine's proving to be smarter and more mataray than her ate. hehe.

i swear, if anyone hurts you, especially boys, lagot sila saken!

i love you kuleleng! mwah!






==

i'm hoping that someday, somehow, i'll find it in my heart to forgive you.

there's just one problem...it's very difficult for me to forgive...and forget. the thought of what you did just pops into my head everytime i see you. and it makes me feel sick.

i've heard you say sorry, and i know you mean it. but God knows that you gotta do better than that.



==

caught off guard


nothing ever prepares you for rotten situations in your life.

no matter how strong or courageous you are -- or even if you've long expected it -- when it finally happens, IT JUST HITS YOU. point blank.

and you are left staring at the big picture. dumbfounded.

BUT...i am not talking about me. although it may have happened to me at some point.


this is about a friend.

kenzo is caught in a very tight spot. he was initially worried about telling me his problem for fear that i may be greatly affected. and for someone like me who is routinely depressed (yes, it's almost like a routine), hearing stories of misery may be hazardous to my emotional state.

and so his story was told. was i affected? yes. but that's because i empathized with him. and learning about someone else's misery keeps you somehow...hmmm...normal? it reminds you that you are not the only person on this planet carrying a big cross. when someone unloads his problems to you -- weird as it may sound -- it makes you feel better. it makes your own problems seem small. and that is a very very good distraction for you.

and that's exactly what happened to me.


p.s.
i pray that kenzo will be guided.



==

uncoming


it's getting ugly. i am finding more reasons to leave this job.

despite the big opportunity that has been presented to me, i am still not convinced to stay. i know i am a fool to pass this up, but i really cant commit to something if my heart's not into it. yes, the opportunity may be a big thing, but this big thing has been outweighed by the small ones that have really made me start to loathe what i do here everyday. i am every inch tempted to go on AWOL. but i still respect 'the policies". these are the exact same policies that sometimes make my blood pressure rise!

a friend asked me why i don't want to push myself further anymore, why i've stopped challenging myself. and all i could say was, "i'm losing faith in the management". i almost feel sorry saying it. i love this team but some things aren't just working out for the best. whatever happened to looking after everyone's (or at least the majority's) interest?

the zest i used to have at work was probably diverted to school. that's why even if i don't get any sleep, i still attend my classes. sure, the requirements are stressful, but i find a sense of fulfillment and sense of self when i'm in school. and it's like i am thirsty for a change of environment.

it's not a great day at work today. but i still find myself sharing a few laughs with my friends here. i'm even in the mood to take a couple of pictures. hehe. Uberclyde and i were wearing identical shirts....and we had our picture taken behind the red post. christmas colors. just for kicks. :)






==

happy birthday kooka.

you are a wonderful person. more than you can ever imagine. i wish you could see that in you.

start believing in yourself. it's about time.

your crown has already been made. wear it with pride.

love you!



==

i wish i could make myself fall out of love. right this moment.

but i can't. at least i can't hasten the process. i have to let it happen naturally.

naturally.

...just like the way i fell in love with you.



==

life is good. i shouldn't complain. i must remember that i have more than enough and i shouldn't be taking things for granted.


>><<

my last team building


i spent the weekend in batangas with my teammates for our team building. US holidays can do us good. it was another long weekend for us. :)

this team building is particulary special for me. it's the first team building for the year...and my very last team building with my account. :/




getting ready to leave for batangas



uberclyde was my "bus seatmate" in my very first team bldg 3 yrs ago. and now he's my seatmate again in my last team bldg. aaaww...



i'll miss you Orange. especially your pang aasar. :)



we're finally in batangas!



chow time



playing the "heads and tails" game. almost everyone got bruised and wounded in this game. but it was all worth it. ang saya2 :D



baby bottle beer drinking contest. and who did they choose as contestants? 3 girls who don't love beer. puro coffee drinkers ang sinali sa contest. haha!



life guard wannabe. guess who :P



heaven :)



heaven :)



heaven :)



heaven :) this beach trip was a good break for me. :) saraaaaaap!



==

a life being towed away


over and done with it.

i'm referring to the occasion that hallmark invented: V day. ;)

i ended up cancelling my friendly (naks) date due to a very disturbing situation: car engine trouble.

and it didn't end that day. the following morning, on my way home, the car was still behaving badly and it had to be towed.

waiting for the tow service and for my brother to pick me up took a long time. long enough for me to feel sorry for myself and my car. i found myself crying. and it wasn't just because i was my week wasn't starting off right.

that day, i was slowly losing the bond i had with a good friend. i could be wrong. or at least that person said i was wrong. but my gut feeling is stronger.

i have never felt so distressed. and watching my car being towed made me feel worse and made me think this way: "that's my life...and they're towing it away." pathetic.


fast forward to today: i'm doing better. power of prayer really helps. and there's something that's really making me smile. :D thank you. you know who you are ;)



==

eeewww...valentine's day na sa monday. eeew eeew eeew!

i am so preoccupied with work and school projects that the only time i am reminded of feb. 14 is when i peek into my planner -- which is like everyday. ugh! why did starbucks have to make it an important day. why?! why?! why?!

pano naman mga losers katulad ko? potah naman eh!

i was supposed to join a friend to boracay next week. but training schedules at work prevented us from taking any VL's.

capital L, lower case o-s-e-r!!! haaaaaaayyy!!!

so what's in store for me on feb. 14? application exams, interviews, and research papers!

if you greet me happy valentine's day on monday, galit na galit na tayo ha!

ipaalala ba? haha!



==

when the moment feels right


on the day that i submitted my resignation letter to my manager, i got a call from HR that same day. HR scheduled me for an interview for a position that God knows how much i want. it was for the same position i applied and got accepted to more than a year ago. salary issues got in the way and i never got to transfer. now i'm given the chance to reapply and i have to go through all the processes again -- and more. now there'll be 2 interviews, 2 exams and 1 demo. :| so help me god. *gulp*

if i get lucky, i may not be leaving the company for good...but i am definitely leaving my team/account. :(

i had a good talk with my manager about my resignation. i stated my reasons for leaving. and being the intuitive woman that she is, she told me flat out "i think there's something else you're not telling me". i broke into tears. i told her everything. and she concluded with this statement, "i understand. that's your weakness. and if that's what making you want to leave, then it's enough good reason for me to allow you to resign."

although the upper management has been telling us (especially me) that we should stay because of very obvious opportunities that will come our way this year, i still want to leave. i've been told that patience reaps rewards. but frankly, leaving the team at this time is something which feels so right. fine, so i don't have a new job as a fall back. but we take risks every now and then, right? and this is one of the risks i'm taking.


wish me luck and pray for me. i need all the help i can get. :)



==

note to thy self: give everything. expect nothing.

and i mean nothing.


that's one way to avoid getting hurt.

kababawan lang...


a recent phone conversation with HC.


HC: so was there anything special that happened? anything!?!??! (desperately seeking for an answer)

me: erm....nope. nothing.

HC: ok.

after 5 mins of chit chat -- on a totally different topic, he blurts:
HC: so you don't remember that we kissed?

me: whaaaaaattt????

HC: yeah. we did.

me: oh. (totally embarrassed) really...

HC: yup.

me: uhm....(tangina wla akong masabi!!!)

HC: hehe..you couldn't remember, could you?

me: well no. but now that you've mentioned it. i wanna know...was it a smack kind of kiss...or....you know...(i can't believe i'm asking this question!!!)

HC: it wasn't just a smack. it was a long one.

me: ooh....(wow. looong one. translation: french kiss. but i can't believe that i couldn't remember it!) hmmm...can't really remember. it was a long time ago anyway.

HC: do you wanna relive that experience? (i could almost see him smiling)

me: haha! you're kidding.

HC: (suddenly went silent) am serious.

me: (totally caught off guard) aaah....uhm....(ang ms. explain natameme!)

HC: well...you don't have to answer the question.

me: hmm...i don't remember that incident...but there's one i remember.

HC: really? what's that?

me: one time you were giving me a beso as i was leaving our friend's place, and your lips landed on mine.

HC: uuy. kinilig ako dun ah.

me: hehe. but that was supposedly JUST a beso. so it was just a smack. saglit lang un.

HC: hmmm...you sound disappointed. do you wish it could have been longer?

me: *chuckles* and mumbles something

HC: was that a yes?

me: *smiles* (my gaaaawwwd!!!!)

HC: so that's a yes. i'll remember you said yes. so don't slap my face if i kiss you the next time we see each other. you're lucky we're just on the phone right now.

me: fiiiine. (not complaining here. hihi.)

at naalala ko kung bat kita naging crush nun. hehe.


and so we talked for 3 hours. we never talk less than 3 hours on the phone.
this guy just never bores me. and he has a kick ass sense of humor too. =) a total turn on for me. ;)


...mababaw. but our conversation absolutely gave me a wonderful glow. yihee!!!

if i could let you read one article, it would be this:

UNSENT

i especially like the last part.

"i would love to see a guy cry because of you. for a change."


i think i want that too. for a change.

*sigh*

i am suffering from upper respiratory tract infection. :(

i should have rested more. i decided to go back to work today.
i feel terrible.

after all that i've been through...

...how did i end up looking like the bad guy?

i was not the one who had a crappy behavior. i should have been a bitch to you.
i know i wouldn't regret it.

uh-oh..this can't be good


i don't know what i'm doing here.

earlier, while driving to work, i badly wanted to make a u-turn and go home. i am not physically and mentally fit to work today. not to mention the fact that i am soooooo not in the mood.

so why am i here? have i created a workaholic in me??!?!?

i hope not.

for someone who had a long weekend (yesterday was Martin Luther King Day and we had no work), i should feel well rested and eager to go back to work. i even spent enough leisure time with my friends -- saturday at greenhills, sunday at enchanted kingdom. weird, but most of the time, after resting during the weekend, i really miss work.

not this time.

i must be burnt out. again.

ugh.

once again


the curtains close
colors turn to black
i rest my gaze to the empty space
it's huge
enormous
intimidating


the room becomes bigger and scarier for just one person
as the voices echo and leave a nasty mark, so do the dismals in my life

i yearn for what is pleasing
for what is right
but the question remains
for who?

i seek for comfort
for pure joy
i wait until someone shares

but then i remember
i am all alone

once again



- graveyard zombie
01/12/05

"sometimes you just have to follow your gut feeling."

"key word: SOMETIMES."


-- lines from Ed tv show



>><<


first sunday of the year and my dad just had to make me feel like a bad daughter.
again.

instead of sulking in my room, i immediately prepared myself to go somewhere. i found myself driving to Ortigas.

this is one of the rare moments when i want to stay in the office.

sarap. tahimik. very peaceful. :)

2004 has been one of the best years in my life so far. yes, there are many events that i would want to happen again. *big smile*

thank you for being a part of my 2004 history. :)



cheers!


"Life is made of moments."

what made me smile today: Nocturnal and Nice :)


visit their home page too!


hehe...kakaaliw. :D

bull's eye


there could be another reason why i am unhappy, unsettled, and unfulfilled at times.

i may be pursuing the wrong dream. wrong goal. yeah, even the wrong person.
everything is just not right for me.

but how can you actually be wrong with your desires? aren't they supposed to bring you joy?

so what the hell is wrong???

is there a way to tell that you are aiming (or not aiming) for the right one?

if i don't stop typing now, i'm gonna end up with 20 questions about life. and what's the point? these questions don't get answered anyway.

i'll just give it my best shot.

i always seem to send you the wrong message. and when i do try to explain my side, my words fall on deaf ears.

ugh. i have a million things to say to you. if only i could be completely honest with you. but i guess that'll be insignicant.

i'm not sure you'll listen anyway....