beclouded


life is never what it seems

flimsy promises
only empty and fleeting words

how do you redeem the faith that's been lost perpetually?
look at what's left of me
it leaves me broken and deceived

just when i thought i have buried everything in my past
without warning
memories keep flooding back
and slowly i crawl into my dark space again

it's senseless to keep risking and fighting
when there's nothing left to lose or gain

in my mind i'm struggling
but in my heart i'm struggling more

-f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s-
ver. 3



there comes a time in my life when i withhold to do something because i am almost sure that i am bound to get hurt. but i still end up taking the risk. i do it because i am also certain that it's gonna hurt more to know and look back that it could have been my greatest happiness.


>><<
with everything i've been through, i've learned that love -- and life -- has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get; only with what you are expecting to give --which can be EVERYTHING.


>><<
there's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or how not to cry too hard.


>><<
i tend to step in too close that the whole perspective is but a blur already...


>><<
the poem i wrote, by the way, wasn't about you. i didn't even realize that it might sound like it was when i wrote it. it was about someone else. this boy. but it's inconsequential now, because he's just a poem to me now.

nothing more.


>><<
her motto was, "let go."
his was, "hold on."
it was as if she was ready to fall and he was willing to catch her.


>><<
it sucks, but that's life. it hurts to let go of something but always rememeber may kapalit yan na mas ok. :)
-->texted to me by a dear friend

SALAM


happy birthday to my dearest best friend.

bes, it is important to me that you know how special you are. i've never met anyone bolder, braver, funnier and with a more unique name than you. :) God only knows what you've been through and i am happy that you had managed to come through. when you were thinking of giving up, the thought of losing you really scared me to death. i never want to see you doubting your strength again.

thank you for being the brutally honest yet sensitive best friend to me. i wouldn't have learned from my mistakes if you hadn't let me. now, i can say na "natuto na ko". *wink*

i pray that we would remain an open and unpretensious friendship. remember that you can always depend on me..and Him. :)

i love you bes and i miss you soooooooooo much. *bearhugs*

still dangling on a string...but with a firmer grip this time


so this is how it feels.

i can't believe it has been a year since i started blogging. wow. it has been an eventful year indeed.

i backtracked to my very first post and as i was reading it, i have concluded that i am still the same person, only this time, i feel that i am armed with more experience and confidence to face my fears and enemies.

i am still the same person who, no matter how optimistic she can be -- still has the tendency to worry. badly.

i am still the same person who, regardless of knowing what she loves to do, is still having a damn hard time deciding which path to take.

i am the still the same person who, despite being broken hearted a numer of times, will still take that risk to fall in love. over and over again.

i am still the same person who, despite having committed mistakes in life, will still not regret and blame herself for doing so.

yes, i may still be going through the same misfortunes and i am still hanging by a single strand of hope. but my grip has become firmer. all i had to do was put my faith in Him. something so simple can be so wonderful.

and blogging had a lot to do with it. had it not been for my daily musings and my friends' comments, i will not be reaffirmed that i am worth it.

very much worth it.

pictuuuuures!!!


some of my recent pics with my second family. :)



the only time that we were on morning shift for this year. grabe nag celebrate kme. lunch out! haha!



ayan. pati former manager kasama namen. ganun kme kasaya :)



profile photo for socials committee. memorable yang pic na yan. hehe. ako nalang nakakalaam kung baket ;)



ang bagong iyak na jarjar. tamang umiyak ako sa party dba. drama ko. syeeet.
pero project pa rin sa camera. :P



masakit na mata ko nyan. hay usok ng yosi. eeeww. :P



posing with Juboy, one of the bday peeps. at syempre laging may sisingit. hehe. favorite ko yang shirt ni jubs na yan. la lang.



oriental friday. fish event at work. hay nde talaga ko papasang chinese. kulay ko palang eh. haha!



robo launch. naks nag wine daw kme. ok pa kme nung product launch. ngayon ngarag na lahat ng tao :( beer na ulet, wla ng wine wine!



sabi ko nga masaya pa ko nung launch eh. wla lang. gusto ko lang ng solo pic :P



at dahil bagong gupit si pachuchay, nagpicture taking kme. hehe



yun lang. next time ulet :D

The Lone Warrior


Love so tangible it pulsates

Enraptures me, seduces me

I grasp to embrace it



A blazing heat of fiery motion

Energy beyond imagination

A feast for the starving



As the moon rules the tides

So your love intoxicates me

Vibrations ripen my desire



No sorrow until I found it

A void unfurls as we part

Giving birth to longing



My senses still writhing

I don my mask, abandon my despair

The lone warrior again

happiness can be found on edsa


i still have it.

i can still manage to pysche myself that my day will be a good one. or that i can be happy if i badly want/need to. call it fake but at least it works for me. it snaps me out of depression -- and even from anger. ;)

it occurred to me that everytime i drive to and from work, it gives me the perfect opportunity to contemplate on a lot of things. it is also during these times that i tend to become emotional. on top of all these, the worrywart side of me starts to surface.

last night i tried to reverse that. it was a smooth drive.

being on the road is an everyday thing for me. that being said, i cannot let myself sulk every freaking moment of it. i tried to acquire the old attitude i once had. the free spirited me. the one who didn't torture herself from worrying too much. i did that when i was younger. why can't i do it again now?

i have to remind myself that sometimes, even i've done everything and anything, things will still suck in the end. and that's ok. i should stop worrying and i should even be proud of myself that i've exhausted all that i can. my gaaaaaad, i actually cared that much to go through all the trouble! nde pala talaga ako manhid at makasariling tao.

i kept thinking of happy and encouraging thoughts until i reached the office. and i still kept doing silent prayers while driving.

i've never felt better.

THE END.


i don't know what's worse: the fact that you never came close to how i feel about you; or the painful reality that i will always be your second best.

you have reinforced my inherent trust towards people like you. i blame you for making me shun my belief in the true meaning of the word "sorry". i cringe whenever you utter that word to me. saying sorry habitually to the same person makes the act of apology insincere. the manner you say 'sorry' is as casual as you say 'hi'.

they say that actions speak louder than words. you suck at both.

you never heard me speak this way to you. that's because i've always been enchanted with you.

until now.

yeah, you probably think i'm stupid. I'M NOT. it's just that i have a foolish heart.

i realized that i have a choice. and that it's not too late to pick the right one.

i guess somehow i've learned something from all this: i don't have to settle. it's only now that i've fully understood what people mean when they tell me "you deserve the best". obviously, you're not the best one out there.

i loathe every inch you. at oo, gusto kitang sampalin! potah.



>><<
i wasn't able to make it to bloggers night. don't ask why. baka sumama rin loob nyo sa taong yun. tama na yung ako lang ang galit sa knya.

those rare moments of silence


i have really messed up my body clock. i am always awake at night even during my rest days. i feel alone in the house, and i am pleased. the silence gives me an overwhelming sense of peace. during these ungodly hours, i recollect moments of silence that i have experienced or just witnessed...


i take pleasure in the silence in our home whenever i rouse from my sleep at 2am. the silence of the city when it sleeps. silence of a song the moment it reaches its ending.

there is silence between a tainted friendship. silence between two people whose trust was destroyed. silence between a man and wife with undeniable loss of affection.

the uncomfortable silence after getting someone hurt. knowing that even saying sorry proves futile.

there is silence of a great hatred. silence of a dwindling respect for someone you once adored.

the comforting silence after crying buckets of tears. regaining my strength and sense of hope.

i have learned the silence of immense love. too full of passion for the tongue to utter it.

i find myself voiceless in the presence of these realities. i cannot speak.

my silence will be misinterpreted. they don't know that i have actually said something.


i have given out a silent scream.



>><<
PS,

thank you to everyone who made thoughtful comments on my "bittersweet solitude" post. i truly appreciate all the words of comfort.

and thank you for all the cyberhugs. :) i almost felt it. and yes, i'm feeling better now.

hmmm..bihira to..i'm in a giddy mood while blogging. :)


see you all on bloggers' night! :D
>><<

bittersweet solitude


what hooked me to blogging was the idea that i'd actually have a place where i can cast out my emotions -- be it positive or negative. and so i've never seen my blog as something with a purely melancholic theme.

until my friend O.C. told me this:
"maybe if you stop blogging, you'll stop being depressed."

huh? are you saying that i only blog about the most somber moments of my life?

well, perhaps that IS true.

if i would brood through my pages, most of things i wrote about were far from anything exciting. MOST, but not all. and so i still wouldn't consider this as a blog filled with depressing thoughts.

like any other person, i am constantly learning. and had it not been for the all the pain i've experienced, i will not grow. writing, aside from cooking, is my favorite therapy. after typing whatever's in my heart and whatever's on my mind, i actually feel better. and that feeling is anything but dismal.

O.C usually sees me blogging with a sad face. sometimes my eyes are even filled with tears. i know he made that comment because for the past few days, i haven't been smiling. i still do, but my smiles and laughters are half hearted. you will not see a twinkle in my eyes.


i am lonely.

the loneliness is palpable.

and i really need a hug right now. a warm hug. one that feels like home.

-f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s- 
ver.2

 
why is it this way?

when you're with the Boys You Could Care Less About, you're On.
you're charming, you're smart, you're witty, you're funny, you're
graceful, you're sexy, you're everything you never knew you could be.

when you're around the Boys You Want to Whisk Away to a Secluded
Island, you're Not. you're everything you never wanted anyone to find
out you were.


~*~
i've always been this sickeningly optimistic person.  and most of the time i'm trying so horribly hard to be one.

but everything just keeps f*cking up.


or maybe i'm trying too hard...


~*~
i waste so much time replying to text messages to these guys.

guys who shouldn't have ever come into my thoughts.


~*~
love can be the most painful, difficult and traumatic thing we could ever encounter...but it's also the most simple reason that we find ourselves smiling.


~*~
regardless of who or what i have in my life, i realize that the void is
only mine to fill.

MINE.


~*~
why do we keep searching externally for love when it can be found
within us? 

 

i cried over these lines...

"some things are nothing more than what they seem. they are not meant to last. they just take their place in your heart and make you a lil smarter the next time." -- spoken by Kate Hudson's character in Alex and Emma

 
sapul. 

i felt a throbbing pain in my heart when i heard those lines. *sniff*

nuff said.

Mr. Right Now

 
"you are everything a man wants, remember that."


*senti mode on*


so tell me, why am i alone?  you keep telling me that i should wait for the right one. but there seems to be absolutely no right person for me. is it really time for me to make the move? is patience indeed a virtue in this scenario?

i used to be a staunch believer in soul mates, destiny, true love and all that shit. but as much as i want to believe in the magic of it all and leave it to cupid's hands, i still think that i would have something to do on my part to find him..or at least, to be found by him. minsan parang ang sarap maglakad na may nakatatak sa noo mo na "single and available". pero nde ko pa naman naggawa yun... :P

there are many Mr. Right Now's in this world. pair that with a Meantime Girl and we have a perfect temporary pair. a relationship undefined. baseless. empty. ephemeral. pointless.

can i just meet Mr. Right Now fall in love with him, and take  out the "Now" in that title? nah. but sometimes it can be really tempting to do that. yes, there are times when being stupid makes sense. sardonically true.

i met Mr. Right. yes, he was Mr. Right and Perfect alright, but he was Mr. Right for someone else, not for me. and although he appreciates all the love i could share with him at that time...that was all he could do -- appreciate. although love was a two way thing for us, we still would have never gone forward even in our wildest dreams.

there is no point in staying in a relationship whose heart you cannot keep. even if we were two halves who match perfectly when put together, there is no adhesive strong enough to make us glued together for good. love should be just like breathing when it's right. maybe that's why i almost felt suffocated (literally) everytime i cried about you.

i really have nothing against you, but i know that i deserve to be happy. worry free happy. if only we could have it our way...

you will never know how it feels to be the girl in love with you. it's a feeling that's  exclusively mine.


"you are everything a man wants, remember that."  -- now if someone would say this to me again, i now have a reply: "then men probably don't want everything in a woman." 

eh nde rn naman ako perfect ah! ampotah...


*senti mode off*

remember how we sometimes have to stop and really think hard if we were asked to describe ourselves? if someone would ask me today, i would show him this peculiar (but true) list about me... 
  
(inspired by a text message from a friend)
 

always the cupid, never the target
always the bridesmaid, never the bride
always the best friend, never the girlfriend
always one of the boys, never the princess
always the last, never the priority
always the black sheep, never the favorite
always dreaming, never the subject of another's dream
always seeking, never being found
always the giver, never the recipient
always number two, never "only you"
 
i will celebrate the day when the words "always" and "never" switch places in those lines... 

hmmm...
 
i haven't been updating my blog. but you won't get an apology from me. na-ah! why do we keep saying sorry for not updating our blogs anyway?  does anyone really care? ;)
 
for the record, i haven't been busy. i got sick. bad case of the flu. now that i'm (almost) well, the first thing i gotta do is...catch up on my reading and research work for school!
 
gaawwd! i feel so scholarly already! hehe. (oh shut up jarjar! start working on your next lesson plan...)  
  
 
>><<
cool..blogger is getting better and better! :)  wla lang..napansin ko lang...
 

in His time


"jarjar, cguro may ginawa kang kabutihan kaya nakkuha mo ngayon mga bagay na gusto mo."
-- uttered to me by a colleague

hmmm...i'm trying see if there's even a grain of truth to that statement. ahm...uhm...hmm... *eyes wandering*

i can't think of a remarkable deed i've done lately. all i know is that i'm getting something i've been praying for several months now. it's true, He answers your prayers and gives you want you want -- in HIS time. thank you Lord :)


>><<

i'm moving to a different team. i'm still with the same account, but with a slightly different nature of support given to whining US and UK customers. plus, i get to be on the morning shift once in a while. hay salamat, nde ko na kelangan mag out of town para lang maarawan nako ulet! hafta start applying sunblock on my face. hehe...

i'm really time pressured here. i'll be trained in one or 2 days only, and i will go on soft live by next week. grabe crash course nalang ang training! whew! and i barely have time to turn over my responsibilities to my "successors".


>><<

bes gio, whatever it is you're going through right now, you will survive. i just know it. :) i'm sorry if i don't exactly have the right words to say to you -- i didn't give you any sound advice the last time we talked. but it's important that you know that i'll never get tired of listening to you. i'm just here bes.

i get hurt when you're hurt. please don't be too hard on yourself. :S *hugs*


>><<

haaay...still need to render 4 hours of OT for this special project we're finishing.

ang hirap maging responsible...tsk tsk tsk...

so we won the grand prize. i'm not surprised at all. :P

yes, the rumors are true...there are only 2 accounts in Sykes: Macromedia and others.
don't hate us 'coz we're the best. we just can't help it. ;) blog ko to, wlang aangal.

i've never felt how united the team was until last saturday. nothing can compare to our team. we're really a family. i looove you guys!



photoblog na ito!!! sayang wlang sunset pics. binagyo kme sa subic. :(



my constant out-of-town picture partner :D



parang may naligaw sa likod ng bus...



wlang manager manager dto...basag lahat! :P



pawis pawis nalang! ang saya saya! :D



Nene and the Virgins. uhm, nanalo lang naman kme. grand prize lang naman :P



best friends



my kindred



i was sitting beside a celebrity! hehe. sikat na si Orange! aaaww!



macromedia peeps -- all out support for the band!

wake up call?


i was THIS close to getting that massage and body scrub yesterday. i eagerly called the spa's number at 9:30am and was surprised to hear a sleepy voice on the other end. uhm...bahay yata tong tinawagan ko. :| like any other establishment, i expect that they open around 10am. much to my disappointed, i found out that they won't open until 1pm. darn. eh tulog na ko nun eh!

...the downside of working on graveyard shift. :/


^_^


wedding bells...i don't hear it


my mother is slowly trying to talk me into getting married. with every chance she gets, she'd ask me this question: "kelan ka magpapakasal?" --> hearing this is something i dread. it ties with the question, "why are you single?" as the-number-1-question-i-don't-have-the-answer-to. :| MM peeps, akalain nyo, nde ko sya kayang i-explain?

never can i remember a time that i've actually written something reflective on my being single. i've been long convinced that i am indeed normal and happy being single. but with a mother bugging me about marriage, and a gay friend who frankly tells me "ok lang yan jarjar, may mga tao talagang ttandang mag isa", i'm beginning to wonder if i'm ever gonna get married. :S

i was a late bloomer in relationships. i first had a boyfriend when i was 20. i enjoyed my teenage years and being single at that time was -- believe it or not -- by choice. now i feel that my singlehood is by default. *gulp*

and i quote my mom..."sa buhay ng babae, dalawang okasyon ang importante: debut at kasal. ikaw nakapag celebrate ka naman ng 18th bday mo. kasal nalang, kelan? lahat meron na para sa kasal mo...groom nalang kulang."

talaga lang ah? :) so may reception na, caterer, florist, gown, etc etc? :P

hmmm...at least there's one thing that my mother and i agree on...i'll have a beach wedding. woohoo!!! :D

i hate the way people ask you what's wrong like they don't know what's happening.

well, they really don't. they absolutely have no clue that they are the reason for your pain, anger, sadness. :S

i wish everyone were created to become sensitive to other people's feelings. i try hard to understand and accept the fact that boys will be boys and sensivity is something hard to crack in them. but c'mon, can't you at least try? it wouldn't hurt yah know.

maybe it's all about the macho thing...

...tsk tsk tsk.


^_^


...i really need to get a massage. am sooo stressed. :|

-f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s-


~*~
ever had one of those dreams that made you sad?
sad, because it felt so real.

felt.


~*~
peculiar as it may sound, i'm starting to wonder if there's a "right side of the bed"


~*~
true love? i have yet to find mine.

i'm afraid that he'd be overwhelmed by the love i'll give him.

i am a complete person. i won't say that my significant other will "complete me", but i know that when he comes into my life, he'd still get 100% of everything from me.

i'll make him the happiest man on this planet.


~*~
i'm really trying my best to "seize the day", everyday.


~*~
a phone conversation that made me emotional today:

gy_zombie: "babalik ako sa bahay...kukunin ko yung food"

Tikya: "ah, akala ko kung ano nangyari sa auto. tuwing ttawag ka kse problema dala mo".


salamat ah :S