-f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s-


~*~
ever had one of those dreams that made you sad?
sad, because it felt so real.

felt.


~*~
peculiar as it may sound, i'm starting to wonder if there's a "right side of the bed"


~*~
true love? i have yet to find mine.

i'm afraid that he'd be overwhelmed by the love i'll give him.

i am a complete person. i won't say that my significant other will "complete me", but i know that when he comes into my life, he'd still get 100% of everything from me.

i'll make him the happiest man on this planet.


~*~
i'm really trying my best to "seize the day", everyday.


~*~
a phone conversation that made me emotional today:

gy_zombie: "babalik ako sa bahay...kukunin ko yung food"

Tikya: "ah, akala ko kung ano nangyari sa auto. tuwing ttawag ka kse problema dala mo".


salamat ah :S

celebrating my tears


i used to cry alone in my room. but even in the confines of own my room, i couldn't wail at my loudest and actually let my frustrations/pain/sadness out. i still feel that i am holding back my real emotions.

somehow i found a new "venue" for weeping...

i blinked...and realized that i was in tears. soft, silent tears that turned into loud sobs and staggered breaths. i was competing with the volume of the stereo. this usually happens when it rains....and when i'm driving alone.

it's a miracle that i get to my destination unscathed. prayers do help. yes, i actually talk to God when i cry. and that's when i cry the loudest.

i continue to drive with my eyes blurry from tears. i can't drive forever...i know i have to stop and turn off the engine soon. i just hope that i can do the same with my tears.

people think that i'm strong. but even strong people cry. and i get tired of being this strong woman. i've put up a wall for protection from the cruelties of this world.. but i destroy that same wall when i need to console myself.

meet my folks


help me comprehend why guys are terrified to meet the girl's parents.

oh, and i'm referring to the dating stage. i would understand if the guy is already the boyfriend -- because judgment (or misjudgment) is bound to take place. isn't it supposed to be easier to meet the folks if you're just casually going out? you're practically just friends. right?

meet the 'rents. hang out with the kid. it's just like a barkada gimmick.

this was the reason why my best guy friend decided to postpone his date with the girl i'm trying to set him up with. the girl's parents are strict. and that was why she wanted to be picked up at her house rather than to meet him elsewhere.

"it's not like you're gonna marry her! she just wants you to meet her folks!", i pointed out. i wasn't done talking yet when he blurted, "exxxxaaactly! i'm not gonna marry her. we're going out on a date. why should i meet her parents?" (with matching eyes rolling and the most agape face i've ever seen)

i just couldn't relate. maybe because i don't share the same..uhm..."fear" of meeting the folks. i honestly wouldn't mind if i happen to be introduced to the parents of a guy i'd be dating. i know it's not a big deal to meet them, but i wouldn't be uncomfortable with that kind of situation either.

ugh..why am i even contemplating on this. i myself don't make it a habit of introducing my dates to my parents. oh, except my prom dates waaaay back in high school. hehe.

hmm..when the time comes, bibiglain ko nalang sila..."ma, pa...meet my...husband." :P

awkward stage skipped. hehe. nde rn...nuninuninu...

i take after you. everyone admires you. who wouldn't? you're the most industrious person i know. you're smart; a walking calculator; you possess kick ass PR skills; you've got a big heart, you share without asking anything in return.

but sometimes your presence brings out the worst in me. i don't know if you do it deliberately. even if you're well aware of what ticks me, you don't care. you seem to know just the wrong buttons to press.

if it's true that daughters become their mothers...then should i be worried?

every time i remember the instance that you labelled me as the black sheep in the family, it puts me to tears. see..i'm crying now...

someday, you'll be proud of me. and you'll be telling my friends and your friends good stuff about me.


*deep sigh*

thirsty for solitary time


i love talking to people -- sensible talks or otherwise. but there are moments, usually rare moments, that i want to wear a shirt screaming "i choose to be anti social today". i don't even want to say it, so i hope the shirt will do the job of getting my message across.

but that's one thing that i find difficult to do at the office. had i done that, for sure people will ask me "are you okay?" a million times. interacting is second nature to us. and deciding to be by yourself for a while is something we'd rather consider bizarre here. if anything, i know that this is still a normal human reaction. we sometimes just wanna be alone for no apparent reason.

i miss spending time with me -- uninterrupted quality time with me, me and me.

i'm gonna do that today.


::::::

this was the first week of MA classes. well, supposedly.

despite endless pieces of advice i got that i shouldn't bother attending classes during the first week, i still went to UP. i arrived on time. i sacrificed my precious sleep just so i could go to school. classes were cancelled (one professor actually went home to have dinner! without letting us know! we should've dined out as well). *sigh* i should've listened to them. but the good school girl attitude in me will not wear off that easily. i don't remember any incident in my academic history that i cut class. i'm no goody two shoes, but i was always present in all my classes. sa work lang pumalya..hehe..may mga SL talaga ko. can't help it. nobody said it was healthy to work on graveyard shift.

i'd give anything to get a decent day job that i love, and that will work with my class schedule as well. i guess i'm gonna be stuck here for a while...

haaay..naudlot na naman ang pag resign ko. i swear, nde na ko seseryosohin ng HR pag nag submit ulet ako ng resignation letter!!!!

when seizing the moment means everything to you


while the rest of the world is getting a glimpse of the whole picture, i pay attention to the tiniest details.

little unnoticed details that you just let slip through the cracks.

i don't.

i like rewinding episodes of my life on my mind. over and over again. i would've probably enjoyed it if i had a JARJAR TV (think ED TV). everything is recorded and every moment is captured.

i know sometimes you find it strange that i stare at you. i do this only because i am certain that getting this opportunity is rare. very rare. it's not only time that is borrowed here.

but i was prepared for this. and returning what was borrowed finally took place.

now all that's left with me are vivid images that i keep replaying on my mind. images like the way you wrinkle your nose; the way you bite your lower lip and wink at the same time; how you let your eyebrows meet when something puzzles you; the easy mood in the way you walk and carry yourself. all these. and more. moments...so brief that you barely notice them.

the universe is in a rush, and i'm here -- wanting to put everything in slow motion so that i could see them all. freeze. frame. savor.

I really dont know what to write I am moved to all kinds of feelings and thoughts. I see a very special spirit inside you and someone who is on her way to having a wonderful full life as soon as she learns to not worry and enjoy. We are promised nothing but always receiving so much more than we ever thought. Life is a very long road you must find out first if you will let God make a way for you or you make your own way. I can tell you which is easier, but you already know. Do not worry he knows we are all imperfect. That's the greatest thing, that we are loved and can give that love so easily.


...such deep insights, coming from someone i don't even know. he just happened to stumble upon my profile and sent me the message above.

if i become blind at times, God has a way of letting me realize the beauty of life through someone else's eyes.

yes, i am wonderful and life is an amazing gift. why did i need a stranger to remind me of that?

pondering on his statements, i am once again awakened that we get so much more than ever thought...or sometimes, more than we actually deserve. and little by little, i am learning not to worry too much and am taking time to appreciate life's simple pleasures.

QUEUE!!!!


i thought i'd only hear this word at work. perhaps it's the most commonly used word at call centers. =)

but when i got to UP last wednesday, i wanted to scream "queue!!!" with all my might.

i forgot how bad enrollment season can be. especially in UP.

i've been queueing at UP since wednesday, and later after shift, is gonna be the most dreaded day. it's the last day for registration/enlistment/assessment etc. etc.!

i'm frustrated and harassed, to say the least. i think the only time i smiled during this whole application process was when i got hold of the letter of admission. i think i missed the fine print that says "this is your only moment to smile. you're about to lose your patience and strength once you start with the registration.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".

goddess morwen and i have been trying to get in touch with the graduate studies office -- inquiring about registration schedules, enrollment, etc. etc. we always get the same answer "try calling again after this date..so and so. we don't have the information yet". what good is an information office if you don't have any information? duh! i've been to two beach outings already (and 2 shades darker =P) and we still haven't heard from them.

thursday was no better. i arrived early in UP...only to get this number -- 191!!! huwaaaattttt?!?!??!?!?! just when i thought that it could get worse...it did get worse...."wla pong guarantee na matatawag kayo today". eh malamang lamang noh...eh ang number kong 191 eh sa 2nd batch pa. may 1st batch pang 300. *faints* "pwede na kayong kumuha ng number for tomorrow". i expected a good number...line of 2 or 3. they gave a small piece of cut folder with the number 97. haaaaay. wla nakong magagawa.

i really wouldn't care falling in line today as long as i get everything done. and i'm so lucky to have my VL approved for tonight -- on short notice. this enrollment actually calls for an emergency leave.

in the meantime, i posted more pictures from la union. nature pictures help me relax..i stare at these sunset/beach pictures whenever i'm stressed out...



outdoor lunch



jarjar and the sunday movie group (that sounds like a band's name..hehe)



kame ulet =)



aaaaaahhhh!!!



drinking session



nice lizard shot huh



at white beach



sleepy on a sunday morning



look for my seahorse tattoo-turned-allergy-turned-bruise



blue waters at white beach



looks like a painting dba? =)



i think that i shall never see a poem lovely as a tree

calm waters and beautiful sunset


after several ocular inspections to different beach sites (courtesy of some soccomm peeps and friends), ping-pong communication with Dory, endless committee meetings and IM chats, constantly updating the attendance sheet, stretching my patience in understanding other people's stubbornness and uncooperative attitudes, venting my frustrations to the active committee members....the team building finally pushed through.

whew!

mind you, last friday's incident almost made me want to quit the whole thing. these people simply didn't act their age. it's bad enough that the committee members are not getting paid (or even getting any perks) for organizing such events, what's worse is when we have to put up with people who are very uncooperative, not to mention, ungrateful!

but the actual team building more than made up for my bad mood last friday. despite the looooong trip, we did have fun. i went for a swim on all 3 days of our stay -- which explains why i'm 2 shades darker now. the hell with people's comments. as Orange would say, "you went out and had fun. your color is your proof that you were at the beach, aside from the pictures". hmmm, well said. =)

i've always loved watching the sunrise/sunset. since i couldn't count on myself to wake up early that weekend, i relied on catching the sunset instead. and i did! 2 sunsets in a row! we took fabulous sunset pictures. i'm always in awe everytime i see these pictures. i can sense a new blog skin to take place any minute now. hehe.

i especially enjoyed our night swims. i dipped in the water with friends, but every time i back-floated, i felt that i was alone. blissfully alone. it was so relaxing. i relished the feeling of watching the moon shining on my face. i learned how to find my center...to shun all the voices around me...to dismiss my colleague's constant teasings about my twins, my sleeping habits during out of town trips, and my closeness to TM. sometimes their teasings can really get to my nerves, but i choose to counter it with a smile. a hurt smile. knowing the truth lies deep within me and none of them is the wiser. it's the most they could do so I let them be.

i wanted to breathe those moments in la union. i wanted to breathe everything in...and not ever breath out. more than anything, the vacation fed my soul. and i feel simply peaceful.



some pictures from the team building:



one of the lovely sunset pictures taken in la union



sunset pic with the peeps this time =)



after a night swim



team 4 -- bitter but beautiful (walang aangal!)



who's that girl? drunk or sleepy?



sunday breakfast



after a swim at white beach



at the plaza. tama bang upo yan ng babae?



there's no stopping us in taking pictures. kahit sa jeep magkkuha ng picture, kahit mahulog na yung nagkkuha!



another sunset pic with the Macromedia peeps



ima try to upload more pics next time! =)
ang lalaki ng pics pa ren..bwehehehe....

rear foot always seems heavier


yes bes, one of your lil speeches hit me...yet again.

one cannot completely move on unless he lifts both feet forward. moving on is never easy, and we usually find ourselves leaving the rear foot behind -- wanting to leave but holding back. *sigh*

why do we have to give up on certain things that make us absolutely happy? how do we make sense out of it? =( somehow, there is no point. so we make up for the lack of significance by convincing ourselves that there is a reason behind all this. soon, we've given up comprehending or the issue has long been over (whichever comes first) and yet we still haven't found that reason.

3 days to go!!! Boracay na!!! woohoo!!!

Nemo is joining us! :) yipee!!!

~~oo~~

I realized that after all has been said and done, I really am still a head over heart kinda girl. When I put my mind to it, anything is impossible. Kenzo was right when he told me that I'm too special for that. I deserve better. Why do I need someone to remind me of that?

I had to get out before the damage gets worse.

Oh yeah...and I miss Kenzo. I consider him the sweetest guy friend I know. Sparks have long been gone between us, but he still makes me feel every inch special and loved.

*sigh*

i'm losing it...

and i'm not even gonna try to save it. i've been waiting for this moment. miracles do happen.

please don't stand in the way and ask me to stay.

i may not have the chance to experience this moment again. one day, you'll thank me for doing this. i'm sure you will.

i just looove this sunset picture in Boracay (Diniwid Beach). i feel calm every time i look at this pic.

thanks to my budding photo artist friend Benneth, i now have a new blog skin and desktop wallpaper. weeeeee!!!


note to my kindred:

i also love the sunset pics we took in Galera last month. but i'd rather use this one where our wacky faces are not included. hehe...

i can't wait for our Boracay trip this May! i'm hoping that i can finally take this mission off my list of "things to do before i die". well..i actually don't have such list, but stepping foot in Bora is something that i've been wanting to do for a long looong time now.

i know i haven't worked my butt off compared to the "organizers" of this trip...but i hope i can still do something to help. to Twin, Deej and Kirbs (a.k.a. April Boy), i wanna thank you guys from the bottom of my broken heart (Pachuch, peram ng linya) for making this trip possible. love you! mwah!

ey twin, get well soon!!!!!! hugs!

moments of reticence


if i could, i'd take each one of you to a quiet garden on an unclouded day and we'll talk. i have a very fervent sense of the things that I want to say -- and there's a lot of things that i want to say. but i'm finding it hard to talk lately. I feel mistrusftul and voiceless.

i probably -- no, i DON'T -- owe you anything; i am allowed to keep as much as i want to myself. but the truth is, i want to be loud and fearless as i've been. there are times that i am raring to share stories of my adventures and plans. but i don't know if you'd even care to hear them, so i never do. time will pass, and soon, everything will be so yesterday.

the unhypocritical stories, i know, are those filled with pain, honesty and beauty. stories that i'm dying to hear. stories that i would want to share. i just need the courage to tell them.

i am trying to find my voice again. i trust that wherever it is, i'll find my stength there as well.

moments of reticence can be good. i am in no rush. what the heck are we in a hurry for, anyway? i know that i will find an unfeigned person who will listen to me with eager ears.

in the meantime, i will relish the silence.

the space between who we want to be and who we are seems to shrink and expand depending on where we are in our lives. it's healthy if we just try to be patient through all of the journey.

Personality Analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Sun Apr 11 15:57:36 2004


Your Existing Situation

Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these
qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and
enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.
--> i generally seek for something new and exciting.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still
important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest.
As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that
will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of
being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly
enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her
nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at
peace when she has finally reached her goal.
--> i really have a great passion for life and i deem it significant that it must not be wasted.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and
difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to
achieve satisfaction from sexual activity. Circumstances are restrictive
and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time
being.
--> making sacrificies was never easy an easy task. but that's what i have to do in the situation i am right now...


Your Desired Objective

Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she
can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.
--> all of us want to feel that we belong.


Your Actual Problem

Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free
herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the
things she wants.
--> peace of mind. peaceful and stress free life. that's all i want.


~~~
The preceding results were generated last week. I tried taking the quiz again today. I just want to find out if anything has changed. Well, everything has, except for my "stress sources". And I really think that this quiz is almost 100% reliable. Below are the results when I took the quiz the 2nd time. My comments are again inline...
~~~


Personality Analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Mon Apr 19 05:16:13 2004.


Your Existing Situation

Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation.
Wants to feel exhilarated.
--> yup yup. i participate in things that stimulate me. even if it's work related. just like the recently concluded qbr! hehe.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still
important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest.
As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that
will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of
being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly
enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her
nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at
peace when she has finally reached her goal.
--> i've always believed that i am a goal oriented being.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither
properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being
compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of
emotional involvement. Circumstances force her to compromise and to
forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical
satisfaction from sexual activity.
--> all of these statements just hit the spot, baby! CONFORM!!! which i absolutely abhor! i hate having to sacrifice my personal freedom.


Your Desired Objective

Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will
permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new
and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.
--> definitely true. i am at a point where i'm making a major decision that will affect me both adversely and favorably. is that stressful enough?


Your Actual Problem

The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants
leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of
illusory or meaningless activities.
--> simply put, don't mess with me. *wink*



"I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it."

i know that in the eyes of the majority, i am a pernicious person.

i am far from being an angel. i know. but someone who would play God and take matters into his own hands is even more unforgiving. i can probably criticize once in a while, but if i have to, i do it constructively and i do it only to the people who ask for it.

no, i am not like you. you, who treat people like trash and categorize them into "biodegradable", "non-biodegrable" and "recyclable". only, you have a more interesting classification...the "lovely, the sullen, and the selfish".

you have placed me in the last group. oh, and did you care to consider if your conclusion was indeed just and correct? as i've stated once, we should be judging people not by the standards we keep, but by the standards they themselves hold.

the root of misjudging is when we judge solely with our eyes, and not with our ears. could you have at least talked to me and listened to what i had to say, you would've probably gained a wiser and more mature insight to all this.

i used to hate people like me. people who are hated by the society because their actions are against the norms. but the tables have turned the moment i was put in their situation. being so gave me a deeper perspective on what they are going through.

i am hurting. badly. and there is absolutely not a thing or a person who can take away the pain. i would have to deal with it -- all by myself. i appreciate all the support i'm getting from the people who care -- who genuinely care -- about me; but the fact still remains...i am broken. and i'm not even gonna try to pick up the pieces and glue them together.

i feel like a prisoner who wasn't given a chance to defend himself in court. but, just like this prisoner, i am not about to give up.
i am not one to simply accept misapprehensions about me.

i am every inch a fighter.


"the battle's almost won...we're only 7 miles from the sun".

gotta fight gotta strike
'cause there's no turning away
from what you don't want to know
gotta see gotta be
if they're all going astray
don't let them take you in tow

you're a one-man shift in the weather
you're the woman who just won't sell
climbing up and ringing the bell

ooh you're gonna make your mark this time
ooh you're gonna set your hope on fire

gotta leave gotta bleed
you've gotta stop lying still
'cause this is no kind of life
you don't need guarantees
you just want something to build
before you turn to the knife

when the streets are aflood like a fever
it's a holiday of the new
we're coming closer now to the truth

gotta move gotta choose
you've got a difference to make
don't watch it happen again
gotta change rearrange
something's bending to break
it's just a matter of when



Hope on Fire
Vienna Teng

anesthetized


maybe it's true...

that time doesn't heal wounds...it just makes you get used to it.

but i was surprised at how soon it could make me get used to it. just this morning i broke down into tears...in front of my best friend. i admitted to her a weakness in me...something that she knew all along even without me saying it. this evening, i have confirmed something i've been wondering about for days now..something probably petty for some. but to me, it should have made me shed a tear or two.

i didn't. i didn't even feel that usual pang in my heart. i dont exaclty know why. i only think that maybe, i'm getting used to it...

...getting used to the melancholic side of my situation. simply put, i'm getting used to the pain.


now i dont know if that's a good or a bad thing.

embracing the moment


"the only permanent thing in this world is change".

true.

there's another important thing i keep learning: "tomorrow is never promised". you can never ever be certain of what's gonna happen. you can only imagine...hope...desire. i try to live each day one at a time. but there's this part of me wanting to get a glimpse of the next chapter, or at least a page of it.

one friend of mine who's very observative once told me that i am blessed to have the gift of thought of regarding the past, present and future. i envision the possibilities of events in the future while reasonably wallowing in the past, and yet never losing track of the present. he said that not many people can find time to think about all three. some may drown in the past, others may be paralyzed by the thought of tomorrow. still others, remain stuck to the super glue of the present.

right now, i choose to get stuck in the present. only because it makes me happy. at least i could say that "i am happy", even for just a day.

i am living in the moment. immensely. i savor each day because i know that i won't be able to embrace it forever. i've actually stopped believing in the meaning of forever for most things.

i temporarily want to stop acting on or making plans for the future -- only because this time, in this one aspect of my life, there is one single factor that i am in no control of. and it is also because of this that i am not able to do anything. i just take things as they come.

i am hanging on. and maybe this is a risk -- getting into something you know which is ambiguous. that's the irony of it -- you are certain that this matter is UNCERTAIN.

whatever tomorrow will bring, i will always be thankful of the events that happened TODAY.


This line from a movie aptly describes what i'm feeling now:

"When you crash into something beautiful, you hold on to it until it's time to let go..."

"...and now is not the time."

-- Under the Tuscan Sun

maybe the reason why you become so miserable at times is because you can't take life "as it is". you get so frustrated over the things that you have absolutely no control of. you worry so much even if you are fully aware that you've done everything you could to disentangle a knot in your life. if you honestly believe that you've exhausted all our resources and know for a fact that there could still be a flaw, why not just give up? accept whatever inevitable that will occur -- and reward youself with a good night's sleep.

it's the same thing as accepting the people you love for "what they are". you don't question why they're stubborn or absurd or impatient or moody. you just take them in your life and love them just the same. so do yourself a favor and stop questioning some of life's undeviating events -- no matter how horrible they may be.

you'll survive anyway...and so will the rest of the world.

now you can say "that's life!" -- and be convinced of that.