life is good. i shouldn't complain. i must remember that i have more than enough and i shouldn't be taking things for granted.


>><<

my last team building


i spent the weekend in batangas with my teammates for our team building. US holidays can do us good. it was another long weekend for us. :)

this team building is particulary special for me. it's the first team building for the year...and my very last team building with my account. :/




getting ready to leave for batangas



uberclyde was my "bus seatmate" in my very first team bldg 3 yrs ago. and now he's my seatmate again in my last team bldg. aaaww...



i'll miss you Orange. especially your pang aasar. :)



we're finally in batangas!



chow time



playing the "heads and tails" game. almost everyone got bruised and wounded in this game. but it was all worth it. ang saya2 :D



baby bottle beer drinking contest. and who did they choose as contestants? 3 girls who don't love beer. puro coffee drinkers ang sinali sa contest. haha!



life guard wannabe. guess who :P



heaven :)



heaven :)



heaven :)



heaven :) this beach trip was a good break for me. :) saraaaaaap!



==

a life being towed away


over and done with it.

i'm referring to the occasion that hallmark invented: V day. ;)

i ended up cancelling my friendly (naks) date due to a very disturbing situation: car engine trouble.

and it didn't end that day. the following morning, on my way home, the car was still behaving badly and it had to be towed.

waiting for the tow service and for my brother to pick me up took a long time. long enough for me to feel sorry for myself and my car. i found myself crying. and it wasn't just because i was my week wasn't starting off right.

that day, i was slowly losing the bond i had with a good friend. i could be wrong. or at least that person said i was wrong. but my gut feeling is stronger.

i have never felt so distressed. and watching my car being towed made me feel worse and made me think this way: "that's my life...and they're towing it away." pathetic.


fast forward to today: i'm doing better. power of prayer really helps. and there's something that's really making me smile. :D thank you. you know who you are ;)



==

eeewww...valentine's day na sa monday. eeew eeew eeew!

i am so preoccupied with work and school projects that the only time i am reminded of feb. 14 is when i peek into my planner -- which is like everyday. ugh! why did starbucks have to make it an important day. why?! why?! why?!

pano naman mga losers katulad ko? potah naman eh!

i was supposed to join a friend to boracay next week. but training schedules at work prevented us from taking any VL's.

capital L, lower case o-s-e-r!!! haaaaaaayyy!!!

so what's in store for me on feb. 14? application exams, interviews, and research papers!

if you greet me happy valentine's day on monday, galit na galit na tayo ha!

ipaalala ba? haha!



==

when the moment feels right


on the day that i submitted my resignation letter to my manager, i got a call from HR that same day. HR scheduled me for an interview for a position that God knows how much i want. it was for the same position i applied and got accepted to more than a year ago. salary issues got in the way and i never got to transfer. now i'm given the chance to reapply and i have to go through all the processes again -- and more. now there'll be 2 interviews, 2 exams and 1 demo. :| so help me god. *gulp*

if i get lucky, i may not be leaving the company for good...but i am definitely leaving my team/account. :(

i had a good talk with my manager about my resignation. i stated my reasons for leaving. and being the intuitive woman that she is, she told me flat out "i think there's something else you're not telling me". i broke into tears. i told her everything. and she concluded with this statement, "i understand. that's your weakness. and if that's what making you want to leave, then it's enough good reason for me to allow you to resign."

although the upper management has been telling us (especially me) that we should stay because of very obvious opportunities that will come our way this year, i still want to leave. i've been told that patience reaps rewards. but frankly, leaving the team at this time is something which feels so right. fine, so i don't have a new job as a fall back. but we take risks every now and then, right? and this is one of the risks i'm taking.


wish me luck and pray for me. i need all the help i can get. :)



==

note to thy self: give everything. expect nothing.

and i mean nothing.


that's one way to avoid getting hurt.

kababawan lang...


a recent phone conversation with HC.


HC: so was there anything special that happened? anything!?!??! (desperately seeking for an answer)

me: erm....nope. nothing.

HC: ok.

after 5 mins of chit chat -- on a totally different topic, he blurts:
HC: so you don't remember that we kissed?

me: whaaaaaattt????

HC: yeah. we did.

me: oh. (totally embarrassed) really...

HC: yup.

me: uhm....(tangina wla akong masabi!!!)

HC: hehe..you couldn't remember, could you?

me: well no. but now that you've mentioned it. i wanna know...was it a smack kind of kiss...or....you know...(i can't believe i'm asking this question!!!)

HC: it wasn't just a smack. it was a long one.

me: ooh....(wow. looong one. translation: french kiss. but i can't believe that i couldn't remember it!) hmmm...can't really remember. it was a long time ago anyway.

HC: do you wanna relive that experience? (i could almost see him smiling)

me: haha! you're kidding.

HC: (suddenly went silent) am serious.

me: (totally caught off guard) aaah....uhm....(ang ms. explain natameme!)

HC: well...you don't have to answer the question.

me: hmm...i don't remember that incident...but there's one i remember.

HC: really? what's that?

me: one time you were giving me a beso as i was leaving our friend's place, and your lips landed on mine.

HC: uuy. kinilig ako dun ah.

me: hehe. but that was supposedly JUST a beso. so it was just a smack. saglit lang un.

HC: hmmm...you sound disappointed. do you wish it could have been longer?

me: *chuckles* and mumbles something

HC: was that a yes?

me: *smiles* (my gaaaawwwd!!!!)

HC: so that's a yes. i'll remember you said yes. so don't slap my face if i kiss you the next time we see each other. you're lucky we're just on the phone right now.

me: fiiiine. (not complaining here. hihi.)

at naalala ko kung bat kita naging crush nun. hehe.


and so we talked for 3 hours. we never talk less than 3 hours on the phone.
this guy just never bores me. and he has a kick ass sense of humor too. =) a total turn on for me. ;)


...mababaw. but our conversation absolutely gave me a wonderful glow. yihee!!!

if i could let you read one article, it would be this:

UNSENT

i especially like the last part.

"i would love to see a guy cry because of you. for a change."


i think i want that too. for a change.

*sigh*

i am suffering from upper respiratory tract infection. :(

i should have rested more. i decided to go back to work today.
i feel terrible.

after all that i've been through...

...how did i end up looking like the bad guy?

i was not the one who had a crappy behavior. i should have been a bitch to you.
i know i wouldn't regret it.

uh-oh..this can't be good


i don't know what i'm doing here.

earlier, while driving to work, i badly wanted to make a u-turn and go home. i am not physically and mentally fit to work today. not to mention the fact that i am soooooo not in the mood.

so why am i here? have i created a workaholic in me??!?!?

i hope not.

for someone who had a long weekend (yesterday was Martin Luther King Day and we had no work), i should feel well rested and eager to go back to work. i even spent enough leisure time with my friends -- saturday at greenhills, sunday at enchanted kingdom. weird, but most of the time, after resting during the weekend, i really miss work.

not this time.

i must be burnt out. again.

ugh.

once again


the curtains close
colors turn to black
i rest my gaze to the empty space
it's huge
enormous
intimidating


the room becomes bigger and scarier for just one person
as the voices echo and leave a nasty mark, so do the dismals in my life

i yearn for what is pleasing
for what is right
but the question remains
for who?

i seek for comfort
for pure joy
i wait until someone shares

but then i remember
i am all alone

once again



- graveyard zombie
01/12/05

"sometimes you just have to follow your gut feeling."

"key word: SOMETIMES."


-- lines from Ed tv show



>><<


first sunday of the year and my dad just had to make me feel like a bad daughter.
again.

instead of sulking in my room, i immediately prepared myself to go somewhere. i found myself driving to Ortigas.

this is one of the rare moments when i want to stay in the office.

sarap. tahimik. very peaceful. :)

2004 has been one of the best years in my life so far. yes, there are many events that i would want to happen again. *big smile*

thank you for being a part of my 2004 history. :)



cheers!


"Life is made of moments."

what made me smile today: Nocturnal and Nice :)


visit their home page too!


hehe...kakaaliw. :D

bull's eye


there could be another reason why i am unhappy, unsettled, and unfulfilled at times.

i may be pursuing the wrong dream. wrong goal. yeah, even the wrong person.
everything is just not right for me.

but how can you actually be wrong with your desires? aren't they supposed to bring you joy?

so what the hell is wrong???

is there a way to tell that you are aiming (or not aiming) for the right one?

if i don't stop typing now, i'm gonna end up with 20 questions about life. and what's the point? these questions don't get answered anyway.

i'll just give it my best shot.

i always seem to send you the wrong message. and when i do try to explain my side, my words fall on deaf ears.

ugh. i have a million things to say to you. if only i could be completely honest with you. but i guess that'll be insignicant.

i'm not sure you'll listen anyway....

10 pictures from my birthday party

i actually wanted to post all pics, but these 10 will do. :)























sorry, i'm not in the mood to add captions right now.

the birthday girl's poem


i wrote the poem below when i was sending out invitations to my birthday party -- which was well attended by the way. i was surprised that a lot of people still made it last saturday. :) we all had a blast :D

thanks guys. i'm still smiling until now. ;) *hugs*

anyway, writing this poem was sort of a spur of the moment. i was simply typing the details about my party, and i wanted to add a line in the end -- some sort of a quotation. but i ended up writing a poem.





-lull-


a serene smile
complements
her sad pair of eyes

loud voice
conceals
her real fears

toughness in aura
makes up for
her weaknesses

the sound of laughter
fends
for her misery

slowly she walks away
far from the the big picture

self defining moments
all start flooding back
of the 12 months past

consuming
reminiscing

as she celebrates her natal day


- graveyard zombie
12/5/2004

tearful morning


i'm really trying to see things your way, but i'm having a hard time.

Lord, bakeeeet??

tonight will be my birthday celebration. bakit isa isa silang nag b-back out? i've thrown parties in the past and they were all well attended. what's happening now?

my birthday party is just one thing.

it just gets worse. work is becoming...uhm...not favorable anymore. :( i feel like a ping pong ball here. they need me here, they need me there. i don't know which group they want to put me in. but if this restructuring is what's best for us, then i have to accept it and give my full support.

i am not a big whiner, but several changes are happening so quickly and i can't seem to understand why. whew! what a birthday.

kayo na po bahala sa amin.

i've cried a bucket of tears today. how can i exactly have a happy birthday? :/

masyado kang maarte.

wla akong panahon sa yo.

trite expressions


when will a guy realize that he is good enough for me?
why can't they see themselves the way i see them?

i'm tired of hearing this:
"i'm not good enough for you. you're special and i don't want to hurt you. i don't want to risk it".

err...i actually don't feel special knowing that i'm not worth the risk. ano ba. all people who enter a relationship are bound to get hurt. and when that time comes, LET ME DEAL WITH THE PAIN.

"i just don't want you to get hurt by me. besides, you deserve someone better din."

haay. all the guys i've met use the same line! what if no one's better than you? why not consider yourself the best one out there?

"eh kase..."

hay naku..we don't simply jive. dbale na nga.

:S

so i asked a male friend.

"ganun ba talaga kayo mga lalake? does your insecurity really get in the way? or is just that a line to politely get away with the situation."

"nde jar. it's not always like that. if a guy has good intentions, and he really sees himself not good enough for you, he'll step backwards."

isa pang malakas na haaaaaaaaaayyy....

holiday kung holiday!


the company-wide Christmas party definitely lifted my spirits. the birthday blues are still here, but they're in dormant status. :P

and yes, i almost forgot about your existence. ganun kasaya ang party at halos nakalimutan kita. galing! :D

maybe i should just go out more often. yeah, i've been doing that already. weddings, birthday parties/inuman, paul van dyk event, company Christmas party! woohoo!


so here are some (ay, a lot pala! haha!) pics from recent gimmicks/events:



in my car; you'd think we were having our own party while travelling. ang kkulet namen grabe!



with my escorts at the wedding reception :P



full body shot. naks. nag dress ako! huwaw! :D



sa sobrang feel ko ng hairdo ko, ayan, picture ulet pag uwi



at NBC Tent; paul van dyk gig; as Orange would say, "daming cute ah! ang konti lang ng panget dto!" nabusog nga mga mata ko...



emote pa Meng!



Christmas Party at the PICC Forum; one of the best parties i've attended this year :D



group kiss! mmmmwwwaaaahh!



o, blind item number ano na ba...? :P



mukha talga kmeng talk show hosts dto sa pose na to. hahaha!!!



hangdaming tao!!! libo2 daw anadun nung party? *shocked*



with Macromedia's show girl. she's still our winner. :)



comment ng friend ko, "sinabi ni Lord kay jarjar na mag tube sya nung party. tube kung tube!" haha!

birthday blues


just 10 more days and i will turn another year older.

recently, i was feeling low. and i thought it wouldn't happen this year. but i guess depression will always hit me every time my birthday is near. and no, it's not about the fear of getting old.

it's something else...

i have been trying to make a rationale why depression creeps in whenever i'm about to have my birthday. people keep telling me that there must be a reason behind it. statements go like this: "maybe something's missing in your life. or maybe someone is missing in your life". what the hell?!?! you mean a significant other? ugh. not again. when will people consider a single person normal? geeze!

i had a wonderful chat with a good friend on the topic, and he took the words out of my mouth:

"i think it is because birthdays represent a milestone for every year that has gone by and makes you reflect on what you have done (or not yet done). like when I think back, i feel like i would have wanted to get more done by this age than what i have actually accomplished."

i know i haven't fulfilled all my goals. YET. but i'm getting there.

my life isn't so bad after all. in fact, i could sum up my life in these three words:
I AM BLESSED.

how can the same person who gave me happiness also cause me pain?

how can you have such power?

i owe you.


thanks to you, i have learned more facts about life. although these things may sound shallow, they are actually essential as i try to survive this crazy planet.

it is amazing how a simple encounter with one guy helped me gain more understanding about the entire male species.

i have significantly proven to myself that:

-- i don't have to settle; my standards are non-negotiable
-- i have a whole lifetime to love and believe in myself, and i would want a partner who shares the same concept about himself
-- i am my own bestfriend
-- i should ALWAYS consider guys perverts until proven otherwise; it's better to be cautious than ego-bruised and bitter in the end, right?
-- never allow a guy friend to court me or to like me more than a friend
-- never let a spark come between me and someone from the same circle of friends; no more awkward moments
-- i must try not to like someone's family too much until guaranteed that i can see them again (i miss them already...)
-- if a guy asks me, "pwede manligaw?", i will simply raise my eyebrows and throw him a question back, "if you can tell the difference between flirting and courting, then yes."
-- i am not yet ready to handle someone who is insecure
-- girls are really more mature than guys (ugh, i can give a thousand examples on this)
-- boys will be boys (oh i'm sure this doesn't have to be explained further! haha!)
-- my next boyfriend will be soooooo lucky; i will lavish him with all the care and attention i can give. and i'm not bragging about this. i simply know it's true ;)
-- sometimes, it's not bad to do a lil bit more of a background check on someone; what i know now could have been helpful then
-- no matter how convinced i am that there 'never was and there never will be', there will always come a time that i will say to myself: "it could have been you...(but you were a jerk)"
-- my friends love me sooo much that they could kill someone who would hurt me (syet naiyak ako as i was typing this. i love you guys!)
-- boy issues will be a part of my life; i have to get used to it

so there. even if you hurt me (or was it just my ego?), the experience still helped me grow as a person.

thank you. i owe you. :)

hmm...at naisip ko dn, my kid sister will get a million pieces of advice from me the moment she starts having boy issues of her own (sana matagal pa yun...). :D

love you sis!

i should have known better.

tama, ang lalake tanga. ang babae, tanga by choice.

if you're trying to beat me in my own game, think again. you may have just met your match.

watch out.

sweet november


november went by so fast. this month gave my social life more vigor.

my most recent gimmick was an out of town trip that i almost had to pass up. people were actually stopping us from leaving. why? our destination was Baguio City. :D

oh don't fret, the use of the term "outbreak" was definitely an exaggeration. as you may have heard by now, there was no outbreak of meningococcemia in Baguio.

yes, we all came back to Manila in perfect health. for a while we had to lie to some people at work that we didn't go to Baguio, doing this gave us an excuse not to buy them pasalubongs. hehe.

for this weekend, i planned to go to the beach (Galera or Batangas), but our salary won't be in until next tuesday (darn!) and i don't want to spend the cash that's left with me. i need to save up, save up and save up! a birthday dinner is happening in a few weeks. *wink*


some of the pictures taken this month:


team dinner at Moksha -- one of the best places to eat in the metro!



hmmm..i'm the only straight person in this picture. haha!



same faces, only this time i was getting cold



pachuchay and jarjar



at pearl drive parking lot



starbucks in baguio



at gerry's sm baguio with dude



with dude's super hyper and smart niece, rinoa



i fell in love with this kid immediately! she's such a darling!



home sweet home



can you see our slim christmas tree? hehe. my mom threw away the old bulky one. :/

"what you have to remember in this damn life is that you have a choice."

maybe you should have also told me that it's never easy. making a choice is not just about what i want. being selfish is something i was never good at. thinking about what you want or need would always come to surface.

making a decision embraces everyone and everything i care about.

is that so bad? :/

... and a partridge in a pear tree


for the first time since i became single, i am actually looking forward to the holiday season.

everyone knows what Christmas does to single people like me. it's something that we dread.

the past 3 years saw me wanting to skip christmas. i am still alone now, but am no longer lonely. maybe it's because i am preoccupied with a lot of things: work, school, social life, plans of vacationing and even working abroad, and oh yeah, dating. okay, let's include flirting on the list. :)

but whatever the reason is behind my reformed attitude, i am simply thankful. i now have the eagerness of a child: all giddy and worry free during this time of the year.

sulking just because you're alone during the holidays is an absolute waste of time. it's Jesus' birthday for heaven's sake! we should celebrate it.

my only wish is that all single people be in the same happy disposition that i'm in right now.

i conquered my fear after all. i no longer cringe at the thought of Christmas. and i hope this will last.

next: overcoming the fear of Valentine season :P

i don't like having regrets in life. i always make it a point to stand firm in the decisions i make.

but right now, there is something i desperately want to delete from my history.
and if you ask me if i would want to take it back, my answer would be an astounding
ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY!

i would take it back. in a heart beat.

oh God. i don't know what got into me. i am soo out of it. *sigh*


what makes my situation worse is that i can't do anything about it. nothing. zilch.

ugh, somebody shoot me please. :|

hindi na kita madalas isipin
minsan nalang

tuwing araw at gabi

-- Hindi Na
by The Company


once again, i am deeply moved by a song from this fantastic OPM group. the other one is "Paki Sabi Na Lang" -- but my story for this song goes way back when i was still in college. hmmm...maybe i should blog about it one of these days...



>><<

i am making progress with the guy. i wish i can say all the juicy details here. but i wanna leave that between just him and me. *wink wink*

this thing i have going on is really helping me as far as self-discovery is concerned.

i'm delighted to find out that i can be a big flirt if i wanted to. haha!



>><<

geeze...i just realized that i posted -- number one: something emotional and two: something superficial (or sexual?) in one entry.

ano ba talaga mood ko ngayon?

hoity toity


someone's making me smile.

and flirting has a lot to do with it. ;)

perhaps what makes it more exciting is that no one knows that i'm into him. people see us as friends. good friends. everything platonic. and unless you're a very good observant, you can't tell who i'm eyeing ;)

YES. flirting is indeed healthy. and i'm beginning to believe that it's an activity that is second nature to sagittarians like me. hey, we're not a fire sign for nothing. ;) but i am what you can call a subtle flirt. harmless flirt even.

i remember a few weeks back, i texted Twin at a time that i was feeling low:
"do you really need someone to get over someone?"

her reply was leaning to a 'yes'. and although my current object of affection -- or flirtation -- is not exactly a 'someone', at least he makes me smile. and i have reaffirmed my belief that i haven't lost my touch. :P hmmm...may appeal pa naman pala ako. hayaan nyo na ko sa ganung paniniwala. :D


>><<

second sem na!!! na-stress na naman ako sa enrollment. :|

am excited for Master Lee. she's now taking up her M.A. too. :D

i'm really bent on finishing my M.A.
i hope nothing will hinder me from achieving this.

i miss teaching. *sigh*


>><<

pictures ulet! :D




at last weekend's party



macromedia peeps



sila ulet; doing what they do best -- inuman! woohoo!



recent sunday movie group at GB3. i love this pic. parang pang commercial ng mcdo :)



at Kitchen GB3. virginal pose daw yan ni bes. :D