i grew up believing that i have sooo many friends.

but then things happen.


and i realize that i don't have so many of them after all.



==

a tribute to senator roco


this may be the first time that i am genuinely affected by the death of a politician. reading today's headlines made my heart sink.

i voted for this man for president. he was the youth's favorite and only choice for president. he was my dad's choice too because he was a fellow bicolano. his intellect was unmatched. i really believed that the way his mind works is the kind that our country needed.

it's true what they wrote about him: "he was the best president the country never had".



quoted from the Rocos:


"When I was 20, I wanted to change the world; at 30, I wanted to change my country; at 60, I realized I wanted only to change myself." -- Senator Raul Roco


"...sometimes, people become more powerful in death. Hopefully, Raul will be like that." -- Ding, Sen. Raul Roco's brother


indeed, you will be remembered as someone who planted the seeds of change.


==

the F word


is there any way that i could absolutely forgive -- AND literally -- forget?

c'mon, i've forgiven you already. isn't that enough? :)


ugh. do i need to have amnesia for this?



==

touched for the 21st time


tonight i saw the last performance of UP Samaskom's Live Aids: Like a Virgin -- Touched for the 21st Time.

it was hilarious. samaskom people are really talented. i can't believe i missed their 9 preceding editions.

during the curtain call, it reminded me how it felt like to be a performer on stage.
it made me miss my theater days.

to my batchmates in SHS dramatics guild and Repertory Summer of 98, are you guys famous in the theater world now? :)


==

-f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s-
ver. 4



you were the most difficult thing i had to go through in my life.



>><<

every new decision is another chance to do the right thing.



>><<

i love her. she loves me. what is there to figure out?



>><<

don't wait around for your life to happen to you. find something that makes you happy. do it.

'cause everything else, it's just background noise.



>><<

it wouldn't surprise me if, a month from now, you'd tell me that you want to have a same sex relationship.

at this day and age, nothing shocks me anymore.



>><<

the more you know yourself, the less you let things upset you.



>><<

nothing in life is worth that getting all uptight about.


==

seems like i've dropped a bomb when people found out that i considered having a relationship with a girl.

their mouths were left open.
what was so shocking about that?

seriously?

and don't tell me that it's "sayang", because i really don't get it.



==

case of the ex


why do exes pose a threat to a current relationship?

no matter how stable the couple is, once the subject of the ex is mentioned, expect somebody's eyebrows to raise.

this is one of the reasons why it's best to keep your distance from your ex. while i'm becoming open to the idea of remaining friends with an ex, i don't want to be the cause of an argument between him and his gf. she will never, and i mean N-E-V-E-R understand that when the guy and i meet up for coffee, we're really JUST having coffee.

"why do you have to meet up and have coffee with her?"

"because we're friends. that's what friends do."

but she'll never get that. she refuses to.

and i, being the good friend, would disappear.

so i understand if a guy chooses his gf over a friend. but i feel sorry for him. he might just lose lots of friends.




C,
i wish you well...my friend.

one day, i'll see you in australia. and hopefully she WILL understand everything.

kiss your kids for me aight? :)





==

unguided


my soul is wandering.

i am taking my time; slowly trying to discover the meaning of this. and while my soul seems to be lost, it refuses to be found.

at least, not now.


==

my silver screen


there is something major happening to everyone around me. things are unfolding before my eyes. and everything is just not good news.

heartaches. divorces. pains. accidents.
and even death.

if i am indirectly affected, what more for these people who actually experience them?

i hope there was something more i could do than hold their hands or pray for them. these tragedies are overwhelming. it's surreal. you begin to think that you're just watching a movie.

all you can really do is watch. and wish for an ending that is favorable.


==

launch pad


the past 2 weeks have been crazy. toxic, yes. but i am thankful to be doing something i enjoy. the more i am exposed to work, the more i want to put myself out there. i want to challenge myself at every turn and be amazed at what i can accomplish. the defeat never lies in the outcome of the event, but rather in not being able to step up to the plate.

working hard gives me the opportunity to reaffirm myself and be more confident. and it reminds me that truly, i have what it takes. i used to think that it was taking me a long time to be the person i want to be.

i guess i was wrong.

i am aware that there are still a millon things i want to do. i keep drilling that i forget that i have hit the oil. i failed to give myself credit to what i have done so far.

it was foolish to think that i would only be considered successful if i made it big in my chosen career. but now that I've almost seen it all, i think having a big heart and embracing life is more solid and fulflling.


==

seeing the good side


i now know why God made me a good listener. it is safe to say that no one would understand you better than i do.

as much as i love you and enjoy being with you, hearing you rant about your frustrations is becoming a task. for me. for you.
i cannot remember the last time we had a normal and happy conversation.

and here you go again, letting it all out. no, i don't think there's anything wrong with it. i rant about things too. but hearing you rant about the same thing a million times makes me want to wish for something.

i wish you had a different husband altogether.

but of course, that would mean i'd have a different father. and presumably, i wouldn't be here writing in this blog. and most likely, i wouldn't have JAR as a nick name. and perhaps, there would be no one making that wish for you.

maybe you're right. maybe finding a good husband is something a girl has to pray for. pray. hard. really hard. novenas and all.

but you're also right about another thing...and it's something that i always keep in mind: that most men can be rotten husbands to their wives, but they can be wonderful fathers to their kids.



==

jarjar is back in business


see? i knew it. i have a shot in becoming an events organizer. :P

i got myself a temporary job -- im working my ass off for a major company launch. i didn't realize how big the event was until i saw the guest list. whoa!!! vip kung vip!!! hello gma!

yes, i get stressed out once in a while, but what the heck. i'd rather work than be idle. after all, THIS is what i wanted. work work work!

Skyechill, thanks for referring me to mader. :) i missed working with her. hehe.



>><<

so help me God


i am THIS close to achieving goal #3 in my life. not that i actually have a list. :P

i need your prayers guys. thank you. *hugs*



>><<

sweet sixteen


16 pictures from the most recent MM party. ngayon lang ako sinipag mag post ng pics eh. :)



getting warmed up



ayan. we warmed up fast. kulitan na!



beauties and the best



jarjar and the management peeps. ayus.



this was a party for the newbies, but i'm posting pics of oldies lang. bait ko noh.



parang ang saya2 namen dto noh



2 girls and 2 lesbians. kung d nyo kilala, hulaan nyo!
and wondering why there are eggplants?



the eggplants served a purpose. mahirap na nga ung game, mabigat pa ung eggplant!



wa-poise etong game na to. pero enjoy talaga.



jhon may picture ka dto ha :)



joie in her first ever alcohol free party. nde na talaga sya uminom!



at humabol si jik sa party



twin, dahil wla kang time mag blog, ppost ko pics na kasama ka



ayan isa pa :)



low batt na. pauwi na eh



thet, is that your arm? outstretched kung outstretched!



there were a lot of mahalay games at the party. pero may kulang...body shots!!!

guys, next time ah! ;)


==

you have to spell it out for them


i've been trying hard to get her attention but she's not very responsive. kahit lambingin ko, wla pa ren.

haha! pare, she's no longer into you.

huh?

she's over you.

di nga?



men are so naive. either that, or it's because their ego are so fragile.

and poor women have to deal with both.

it's tough. most of them don't appreciate my being frank.



==

bring it on


quiet. stress free. worry free. simply relaxing.

things are going pretty well. nothing major troubling me. but i'm sure as hell that this isn't gonna last.

it's like i'm just waiting for the next unfortunate event.

i am holding my breath until that day comes. and when it does, i would gladly welcome the challenge.




==

"ikaw yung tipong sinasamba at pinapakasalan."


not quite.

ako yung sinasaktan at iniiwanan.



==

weekend report


i ended up sulking last friday night. both of my plans didn't push through. my friends had to cancel at the last minute.

i think im gonna start believing that friday the 13th is doomed.



>><<


Master Lee's birthday


saturday was better -- or, at least until OC and i got lost on our way home from the party. we reached the province of angono??!?!? i'm not sure where (kse nga naligaw kme eh :P). OC woke me up from my sleep and told me that we had a problem. when i saw that there were no buildings anywhere, all i could say to him was "we're lost". we were surrounded by mountains.

eventually, we got back on track. seeing the sign "welcome to antipolo city" gave me soooo much relief.

we left the party around 4:30am, it was still dark. i got home almost 2 hours later. and the sun has already risen. :)

i can't remember all the drinks i've tried at the party. but they were all good. sooo good! i didn't get drunk by the way. but i wanted to -- just for the experience. :) there's another party this saturday...hehe...


the pictures:



pink was the color of the night



was this photo taken before or after Joie harassed me? haha! mahirap kang malasing neighbor!



alin alin ang naiba. labyu Uberclyde!



hello Cay! :) seeing you at the party was really a wonderful surprise



with dive instructor rey k -- and he's a potential fire dance instructor too :P



mawawala ba to? me and Twin's nth picture with this pose. :P


>><<

a proud ate


i watched my sister's piano recital last sunday. the event inspired me to play the piano again. :)

justine received first honors award. mana sa ate? ;)




that's her



we also have a signature shot ;)



goofing around



==

it was never really about me


i gotta have to stop worrying about other people too much. half the time i am blaming myself that i haven't done all i could as a friend. it makes me guilty. even if i don't have anything to do with their misfortunes, i start to think that i am partly at fault. i let the stupid idea nibble at the edges of my mind.

this is crazy. i can only do so much to help them. Martyr must have been my middle name in my past life.

i can be sickeningly optimistic and be a worry wart at the same time. a dichotomy of sorts.



>><<


after posting the entry above, i looked at the date.
friday the 13th pala ngayon.

let's see if something freaky happens today :P



==

a different kind of name game


if you could say his name without feeling anything, it means you're over him.

-- words from a dear friend, Pachuch. spoken a few months back.

she was in fact referring to her ex -- that she could say his name without a trace of bitterness, pain, or anything that makes anyone sad over a past relationship.

at that time, i followed what she said. and so i uttered his name.

and i walked over to Pachuch.

i was crying.


>>>>> fast forward to today <<<<<


i can say his name 10 times and i can smile. :D yes, it's a genuine smile.

i know someone who's also doing this "am-i-over-this-person-test". hey you! you know who you are. :) am glad that this "test" is somewhat useful to you too. hehe. kaso pare, nde sya tongue twister. you have to say your ex's name, and not say the line over and over. haha! miss you! kelan ba balik mo ng manila? ;)

i discovered another "test". it's when you see your ex, or even just his picture..and you find yourself saying "hmmm..nde pla sya ganun ka gwapo".

love is indeed blind. :)



==

you cannot escape your past.

but you can make peace with it and move on.



-- quoted from Traci Lords




==

blossoming beginnings in May


the best kind of triumphant feeling is when you've just recovered from a very low moment in your life.

i am currently enjoying that feeling. :)

no other prize could match that.


pure joy.
pure freedom.
pure love.


i am an absolute winner.


...all because of Him. thank you Lord. :)



==