i guess there's no use hiding. no matter what i do or where i go, i will still be found.

so i might as well post this:

_perfectly tarnished_

that's my new cyber turf.

i am now putting an EOL to this blog.

i'm surely gonna miss posting on this site.

Adios!

:)

|| dreariness: tantrum without energy ||


despite being on sugar high, i can still:

1) fall asleep (oh my friends from AP can attest to this. kahit nasa gimikan, nakakatulog ako), and

2) feel low spirited (some people can effortless ruin your mood)


...and both happened to me yesterday.

i don't know which is worse -- starting the day with someone frustrating you or ending the day with someone hurting you.

either way, your entire day is wasted.

|| -f-r-a-g-m-e-n-t-s- ||
ver. 5



you've gotten your big dream. now what?
-- you dream for something bigger.


>><<
i am constantly humming that strange harmony of being content with what i have and still wanting to achieve something grander.


>><<
sometimes i find the greatest comfort in the unknown and unresolved.
no answers. no definitions. no details.
just a big WHY question left hanging...


>><<
and THIS brings out the best and worst in me.


>><<
the wonderful thing about making big mistakes is making great comebacks.


>><<
women were created for a lot of things -- supressing their emotions is not one of them.

|| while ||


three winks
breathless

an unforeseen awakening

silently stalking
tangible yet elusive

let me drown
in this moment so pure

unyielding
resonating

let me dance
to the music only i can hear

engaging
healing

obsession to what i can hold
just for now

until i lose it again
in three winks


-- jarjar.10.04.05 --

|| ...it was a different bug that bit me ||


i was THIS close to deleting my entire blog. i was waiting for the blog bug to bite me. and when it didn't, i thought maybe i should just say goodbye to blogging altogether.

but here i am again. :)

to everyone who's been asking, you don't have to worry -- i am doing ok great.

i have a couple of entries sitting in my draft box:
:: my birthday entry (a different kind of celebration)
:: my holiday entry (spending Christmas with him)
:: a poem (not about love)
:: a letter (to myself)

...all unfinished. and honestly, i think they will remain that way. i have no plans of finishing those entries.

a few months ago i answered a survey (taken from cher's friendster bulletin).
one of the questions was:
Are you in love at the moment?

and my answer was:
*** "in like"

now, allow me to answer the question again:

Are you in love at the moment?
*** in a heartbeat -- YES. :)



so yeah, the blog bug didn't bite me -- the love bug did.

and the journey continues...




may your new year's day happiness linger throughout the year.
have a spectacular 2006!

it's Jarjar's Day! =)


thank you Lord for another wonderful year.








(will blog more later...)

as i was stepping out of the car last night, a thought suddenly occurred to me...

it would be nice to come home to a place with you in it.

'twas a nice thought...i felt really good about it. :)

|| December is here ||





...and it's my favorite month.


my birth month...i'm one of those atypical people who have 2 birthdays. if you don't know my birthday story, that means were not that close :P

holiday month... just like last year, i am looking forward to the holidays. i no longer experience that dreaded feeling approaching christmas. yey!

pensive month... don't we all become contemplative during this time of the year? we start having those moments -- pondering about this year's past.



>>><<<


no, i will not be throwing a party on my birthday. and PLEASE don't ask what's wrong -- because nothing is wrong. i just don't feel like throwing a party this year. what i really want to do is go on a solitary journey. i just want to leave the city for a while. it's almost absolutely impossible to take a long vacation from work at this time, so i'd have to postpone my travel plans indefinitely.

thing is, whenever someone learns that i want to travel, that person usually asks if he could come along. waaaah! solitary journey nga eh!!!



>>><<<


i miss

...getting a 13th month bonus. *sigh*
...organizing (or simply participating in) kris kringles.



>>><<<


my EDL 261 professor finally showed up in class 2 weeks ago. and because she's 2 meetings behind (that's 6 hours wasted!), she scheduled our oral reports immediately. mine was last week. so there. i'm done with my report. one requirement down, about 6 more to go! (and that's only for this subject) come january, we'll be doing in service training in public schools. and we're not just going to teach, we'll be supervising. lupet!:D

our professor is really taking the word "supervision" in our course title seriously! hehe. but she's nice and really approachable. i think her only flaw is that she's not exactly good with names...and faces? she has mistaken me twice for another student who is a flight attendant. *shakes head*



>>><<<


what i'm loving now...

music of:

:: death cab for cutie
:: imogen heap (you hafta listen to "hide and seek"! it's one of the most hypnotic
songs i've ever heard!
:: kings of convenience



>>><<<


that's my adorable inaanak Ada in the picture above. manang mana sa mga ninang at mommy nya. starbucks baby! :) Master, bka may sarili din syang starbucks planner? hehe...

seeing her picture made me smile today. yeah, this blog entry is inspired by her.:) feel good blog entry. hihi.

*lotsa kisses to ada* :)

|| beyond kodak moments ||


i was reading Twin's blog and it made me contemplate on all of life's episodes i've had with my MM family.

i have said it before and i will say it again ---- i had the best years in MM. yes, i've cried a lot, but back then, i also found myself saying countless times, "this is the life -- IT IS wonderful".

all the joys and pains combined -- they were all worth it. looking back, i know that all of you will agree that we have all matured so much. SO. MUCH. even the littlest of things have contributed to making us stronger and undoubtedly wiser now.

i remember my first day in MM...tahimik pa ko nun. akala din nila tahimik nga ako (mali sila. maling mali sila!! :P). i never thought that Traning Day 1 would lead to a phenomenal 3-year journey.

it just gives me an overwhelming feeling when i think about everything we've overcome so far...

a lost love. a new found love. the death of a loved one. the birth of an angel. people leaving. people coming back. mourning. celebrating. loving. hating. loving and hating at the same time. forgiving. and still trying to forget. giving your all. being wisely selfish the next time. experiencing something honoring yet humbling. trusting. mistrusting. slowly learning to trust again. hurting yet still believing. moving on, and just taking baby steps. looking ahead but taking a glimpse or two of what's behind us.

we may not see each other everyday and not chat as often as we used to...but i know that we will always have each other. kahit saan pa tayo makarating. :)

from melrose place, i think we have evolved into being 7th heaven. :) anyone would kill to be a part of our family.

i miss you guys so much. senti mode nalang talaga...

i love love love you all! (((((hugs))))))



lagay tayong pictures for effect... :)



global picnic 04. Macromedia team: supportive fans of Nene and the Virgins band




easter eve drinking session. ayan puro tayo original macro peeps. walang newbies jan sa picture!




kahit pala noon pa may photo sessions na ang movie group :)




ang jeep. na tayo lang ang laman. :) sa la union nga pala yan. nagpunta tayong bayan kaya nag jeep (oo na oo na oo na explain nako.leche)




almost a year na pala since wedding nina jules and jo. sinong susunod na ikakasal sa tropa? o wag kayo saken tumingin...utang na loob :P hi master and mike! ;)




ang super bongggang party sa PICC. alala nyo yung Miss UN contest? haha! kulet eh. sinabi na kse carnival theme.




may uniform pala tayo nun sa sykes noh?




ano nga ba meron neto? ah wala lang. adik nga lang pala tayo sa pictures




o yan. tapos na ko umiyak...

|| pronounced ||


mind over heart. but in truth, you sometimes allow yourself to lead with your heart.

only for a brief moment.

just enough for you to become barefaced of what you are and where you are at that point.

you'd be overcome by the soft but undeniable beating sound that the heart makes. and when the inevitable sensation rises, it leaves you unfastened.

this is when confusion becomes something familiar to you. a clarity of the unknown. when you accept that instability of making decisions is a process you'd have to go through over and over -- and that there is no getting used to it.

it's that one all-encompassing second that makes you smile with ache.

|| kibitz, kibitz ||



by now, you must have heard that i lost consciousness when i saw Constantine last week. hehe.

tama ba kseng dumaan sya sa harap ko. aaaaaaah!!! i literally could not speak when i saw him. and i was just one foot away from him!

oh well, i won't bore you with any more Constantine talk. basta, ok na ko. pwede nakong mamatay. :D

thanks Pims! :) next time ha magdala na tayo ng camera. :D

to everyone who had to listen to me talk about Constantine, thanks for bearing with me. promise, tapos na ko mangarap.



>>><<<<


for the first time in my MA program, i have a professor in UP that i truly admire. he's smart. he's witty. he's open minded. he really knows what he's talking about. he's refreshingly frank. and he's gay. i love him! :)

i don't know how he's gonna do it, but he has to handle our class which consists of....150 students! grabe noh. tinalo pa namen rizal high school. :D i hope he won't make us wear name tags. for a number of reasons i won't mention anymore, he had to merge 2 sections. thus, the big class was born.

on our second meeting last week, he started holding the big class in the college theater. it's the only "room" in the building that can accommodate all 150 of us. there was this girl who asked permission to go home early. she was having an asthma attack. the professor allowed her to go home. "ok, you may go home hija. i think we have to adjust the airconditioning. hmmm...anyone else here who has asthma?"

about 20 students raised their hands. :| that cracked us up. good luck nalang! i hope we're all still in the course by the end of the sem. we need more airconditioning units and must start requesting for nebulizers in class.

as for my other subject...hmmm... i have nothing much to say. our professor hasn't shown up in class. :D on the first week of school, she was in Laguna. and last week, she was in Bohol. i wonder where she's gonna be this week. she probably forgot to add UP Diliman campus in her itinerary. :P



>>><<<<


i finally got to watch 24 season 4! :D ganda talaga!
the show gets better every season!




>>><<<<


brrrrr!!! it's soooo cold at night and in the early morning!
it's really starting to feel like Christmas. :)




>>><<<<


enzo,

there are no words for how badly you are hurting right now. i cannot begin to imagine the pain you're going through. but i do know that you will rise above it all. like anything else, this too, shall pass.

please stay strong. i love you and i want to see you happy again.

|| the 3 G's cycle ||


it always happens this way.

you feel depressed, you feel utterly sorry for yourself. all the world's miseries are on your shoulders. you attract all negative energies and you start whining.

then you see another person with a much more terrible state you're in.

suddenly, you feel ashamed of yourself. this line would come out of your mouth, "hey, i'm doing fine after all!"

in a twisted sense, seeing others who are doing worse than you actually helps you. it's a grief-then-guilt-then-gratitude process .

i usually feel this way. and most people i know feel this way.

until i came across this person who reacts quite differently. he looks at things the other way.

we were all telling him how wonderful his life is and how he is in a much better position than most people -- because he really is.

he keeps on shaking his head. he just wants to continue sulking and be left alone. the universe can be at its most oppressive state and he would still sit in his own little world minding his own sorrows.

well, to each his own right? the way he handles depression is not my business, really. he likes to feel that way. then let him be.

maybe i am just amazed at how differently he thinks and feels that the rest of us. no amount of other people's tragedies would affect him. his is a grief-then-gripe-then-grief-again kind of cycle.

if the grief-then-guilt-then-gratitude cycle doesn't work for him, then i don't know what will.

i can't believe i'm gonna see you in the flesh.

i think i'm gonna faint.

yesterday was enrollment day. one word: HELL

looong lines, sweat, heat, rude people, and hunger pangs. haaaay....what's new?

oh!!! but there's something different about yesterday's enrollment......
pink was everywhere! as in pink overload!!!

people (yes, "people" -- girls, boys, gays, lesbos) were wearing pink left and right! my friends and i were counting the people wearing pink and we lost count.
oh, and did i mention that my friends and i were all wearing pink too? hahaha!
i swear, nde kme nag usap usap! haha! nagulat ako eh! we also saw this girl who was covered in pink from head to toe! syeeet. galit sya sa pink? pati bag at sandals nya pink.

how many times did i use the word pink in this entry? :P
wala lang. overwhelming lang kase talaga eh.
amazing! :D

geeze...i can't believe i just blogged about that...hehe...

tama lang yan, nonsense post naman. lagi daw depressing mga entries ko eh.



>><<


i saw this bumper sticker on a van:



Lord, give me patience.
RIGHT NOW.

haha! parang, ano ba. prayer ko yata yan eh! :D kulang nalang lagyan sa
dulo --- a prayer from jarjar. mag isa kong tawa ng tawa habang nag d-drive kahapon! and yeah, i looked kinda stupid. :P but hey, that made me laugh and it absolutely put me in a good mood! :D


==


and my friend saw this statement at the back of a jeepney (ano nga ba tawag sa mga ganun sa jeep?):

Dreams comes true


wehehehe...:D



>><<


classes begin today!
bat ganon? eh registration week pa kaya! :|

di bale ok lang. miss ko na library eh. eeeewwww :P

|| faze ||



i am half part of the solution and half part of the problem.

i have the power to decide which one should outweigh the other. but it's not easy.
any decision you make that concerns a person's feelings is never easy.

i find myself looking at both sides with an equal amount of fear and sorrow.

this is the dark cloud that's been following me around...

|| not again ||


it's the worst feeling when you are torn between keeping your distance or continuing to hang around with someone.

it doesn't help knowing that either way, whether you avoid him or not, there will be a heavy and distracting feeling inside you.

you need to stay away because things are getting too close for comfort, but then you don't want to, because you want to save the friendship.

if you've seen the movie "when harry met sally", that's exactly what's happening to me now...



...only with a different ending.

an ending which hasn't taken place yet.



haven't seen the film? read the script. :) go ahead! holiday (nyo) naman eh! you'll love the story, i promise.



haaayy...why do i always find myself in this kind of situation...?!?!?

|| a lovely disarray ||


i woke up in the lush space where i don't remember what i've dreamed.

but after three seconds or so, it suddenly flashed back to me. and i start having pep talks to myself.

don't dwell on it. it's all in the past. it's time to move on.

but i still dwell on it and defer moving forward -- at least for a moment. a moment so valued and true. no matter how strongly aware i am of the present, i've always considered the past as something concrete. something very palpable.

in a peculiar way i must have loved my interesting anthology of hurts. they somehow provide me with some sincere sympathy and assurance, giving me that sense of being exceptional.

i am renewing yet again.

i am the girl wounded and healed several times over. getting hurt in ways no other person has ever been. my pain and griefs are my own.

what a complicated but marvelous case i am.

|| delicate to handle ||


knowing the truth can be as much a protection as it can be a curse to your life.

there are times when you have to trade in a plate of lies for a plate of truth.
you don't know which one is heavier to lift. but it doesn't really matter. either one is heavy and fragile.

heavy and fragile. perfect burden.

the moment you find out the truth, you hear something so strong. like a heavy sigh.
a sound so final. no turning back.

the truth is yours now.

and it is hauntingly beautiful.