2004 has been one of the best years in my life so far. yes, there are many events that i would want to happen again. *big smile*

thank you for being a part of my 2004 history. :)



cheers!


"Life is made of moments."

what made me smile today: Nocturnal and Nice :)


visit their home page too!


hehe...kakaaliw. :D

bull's eye


there could be another reason why i am unhappy, unsettled, and unfulfilled at times.

i may be pursuing the wrong dream. wrong goal. yeah, even the wrong person.
everything is just not right for me.

but how can you actually be wrong with your desires? aren't they supposed to bring you joy?

so what the hell is wrong???

is there a way to tell that you are aiming (or not aiming) for the right one?

if i don't stop typing now, i'm gonna end up with 20 questions about life. and what's the point? these questions don't get answered anyway.

i'll just give it my best shot.

i always seem to send you the wrong message. and when i do try to explain my side, my words fall on deaf ears.

ugh. i have a million things to say to you. if only i could be completely honest with you. but i guess that'll be insignicant.

i'm not sure you'll listen anyway....

10 pictures from my birthday party

i actually wanted to post all pics, but these 10 will do. :)























sorry, i'm not in the mood to add captions right now.

the birthday girl's poem


i wrote the poem below when i was sending out invitations to my birthday party -- which was well attended by the way. i was surprised that a lot of people still made it last saturday. :) we all had a blast :D

thanks guys. i'm still smiling until now. ;) *hugs*

anyway, writing this poem was sort of a spur of the moment. i was simply typing the details about my party, and i wanted to add a line in the end -- some sort of a quotation. but i ended up writing a poem.





-lull-


a serene smile
complements
her sad pair of eyes

loud voice
conceals
her real fears

toughness in aura
makes up for
her weaknesses

the sound of laughter
fends
for her misery

slowly she walks away
far from the the big picture

self defining moments
all start flooding back
of the 12 months past

consuming
reminiscing

as she celebrates her natal day


- graveyard zombie
12/5/2004

tearful morning


i'm really trying to see things your way, but i'm having a hard time.

Lord, bakeeeet??

tonight will be my birthday celebration. bakit isa isa silang nag b-back out? i've thrown parties in the past and they were all well attended. what's happening now?

my birthday party is just one thing.

it just gets worse. work is becoming...uhm...not favorable anymore. :( i feel like a ping pong ball here. they need me here, they need me there. i don't know which group they want to put me in. but if this restructuring is what's best for us, then i have to accept it and give my full support.

i am not a big whiner, but several changes are happening so quickly and i can't seem to understand why. whew! what a birthday.

kayo na po bahala sa amin.

i've cried a bucket of tears today. how can i exactly have a happy birthday? :/

masyado kang maarte.

wla akong panahon sa yo.

trite expressions


when will a guy realize that he is good enough for me?
why can't they see themselves the way i see them?

i'm tired of hearing this:
"i'm not good enough for you. you're special and i don't want to hurt you. i don't want to risk it".

err...i actually don't feel special knowing that i'm not worth the risk. ano ba. all people who enter a relationship are bound to get hurt. and when that time comes, LET ME DEAL WITH THE PAIN.

"i just don't want you to get hurt by me. besides, you deserve someone better din."

haay. all the guys i've met use the same line! what if no one's better than you? why not consider yourself the best one out there?

"eh kase..."

hay naku..we don't simply jive. dbale na nga.

:S

so i asked a male friend.

"ganun ba talaga kayo mga lalake? does your insecurity really get in the way? or is just that a line to politely get away with the situation."

"nde jar. it's not always like that. if a guy has good intentions, and he really sees himself not good enough for you, he'll step backwards."

isa pang malakas na haaaaaaaaaayyy....

holiday kung holiday!


the company-wide Christmas party definitely lifted my spirits. the birthday blues are still here, but they're in dormant status. :P

and yes, i almost forgot about your existence. ganun kasaya ang party at halos nakalimutan kita. galing! :D

maybe i should just go out more often. yeah, i've been doing that already. weddings, birthday parties/inuman, paul van dyk event, company Christmas party! woohoo!


so here are some (ay, a lot pala! haha!) pics from recent gimmicks/events:



in my car; you'd think we were having our own party while travelling. ang kkulet namen grabe!



with my escorts at the wedding reception :P



full body shot. naks. nag dress ako! huwaw! :D



sa sobrang feel ko ng hairdo ko, ayan, picture ulet pag uwi



at NBC Tent; paul van dyk gig; as Orange would say, "daming cute ah! ang konti lang ng panget dto!" nabusog nga mga mata ko...



emote pa Meng!



Christmas Party at the PICC Forum; one of the best parties i've attended this year :D



group kiss! mmmmwwwaaaahh!



o, blind item number ano na ba...? :P



mukha talga kmeng talk show hosts dto sa pose na to. hahaha!!!



hangdaming tao!!! libo2 daw anadun nung party? *shocked*



with Macromedia's show girl. she's still our winner. :)



comment ng friend ko, "sinabi ni Lord kay jarjar na mag tube sya nung party. tube kung tube!" haha!

birthday blues


just 10 more days and i will turn another year older.

recently, i was feeling low. and i thought it wouldn't happen this year. but i guess depression will always hit me every time my birthday is near. and no, it's not about the fear of getting old.

it's something else...

i have been trying to make a rationale why depression creeps in whenever i'm about to have my birthday. people keep telling me that there must be a reason behind it. statements go like this: "maybe something's missing in your life. or maybe someone is missing in your life". what the hell?!?! you mean a significant other? ugh. not again. when will people consider a single person normal? geeze!

i had a wonderful chat with a good friend on the topic, and he took the words out of my mouth:

"i think it is because birthdays represent a milestone for every year that has gone by and makes you reflect on what you have done (or not yet done). like when I think back, i feel like i would have wanted to get more done by this age than what i have actually accomplished."

i know i haven't fulfilled all my goals. YET. but i'm getting there.

my life isn't so bad after all. in fact, i could sum up my life in these three words:
I AM BLESSED.

how can the same person who gave me happiness also cause me pain?

how can you have such power?

i owe you.


thanks to you, i have learned more facts about life. although these things may sound shallow, they are actually essential as i try to survive this crazy planet.

it is amazing how a simple encounter with one guy helped me gain more understanding about the entire male species.

i have significantly proven to myself that:

-- i don't have to settle; my standards are non-negotiable
-- i have a whole lifetime to love and believe in myself, and i would want a partner who shares the same concept about himself
-- i am my own bestfriend
-- i should ALWAYS consider guys perverts until proven otherwise; it's better to be cautious than ego-bruised and bitter in the end, right?
-- never allow a guy friend to court me or to like me more than a friend
-- never let a spark come between me and someone from the same circle of friends; no more awkward moments
-- i must try not to like someone's family too much until guaranteed that i can see them again (i miss them already...)
-- if a guy asks me, "pwede manligaw?", i will simply raise my eyebrows and throw him a question back, "if you can tell the difference between flirting and courting, then yes."
-- i am not yet ready to handle someone who is insecure
-- girls are really more mature than guys (ugh, i can give a thousand examples on this)
-- boys will be boys (oh i'm sure this doesn't have to be explained further! haha!)
-- my next boyfriend will be soooooo lucky; i will lavish him with all the care and attention i can give. and i'm not bragging about this. i simply know it's true ;)
-- sometimes, it's not bad to do a lil bit more of a background check on someone; what i know now could have been helpful then
-- no matter how convinced i am that there 'never was and there never will be', there will always come a time that i will say to myself: "it could have been you...(but you were a jerk)"
-- my friends love me sooo much that they could kill someone who would hurt me (syet naiyak ako as i was typing this. i love you guys!)
-- boy issues will be a part of my life; i have to get used to it

so there. even if you hurt me (or was it just my ego?), the experience still helped me grow as a person.

thank you. i owe you. :)

hmm...at naisip ko dn, my kid sister will get a million pieces of advice from me the moment she starts having boy issues of her own (sana matagal pa yun...). :D

love you sis!