keeping the balance


there's this fine line between waiting and acting, and i am standing on it right now.

and i want to know it all, already. answers. meanings. purposes. truths.
but i know, i know. patience is a virtue. i want to be virtuous, i want to be wise, i want to laugh in the face of the world that says everything must happen faster than the carpool lane and the cable modem. i do.

it's a balance, isn't it. knowing when to say now and when to say later, when to say this isn't enough and this is just fine. it's something i haven't quite yet figured out, so i just stand here, very still, hoping i don't lose my balance and fall.

what i'm feeling right now...expressed through these lines...



in too deep

Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this,
You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps,
Although I need you, I'm not gonna make this,
You know I want to, but I'm in too deep

So listen, listen to me,
I can feel your eyes go thru me

It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself - oh
Now I want to spend my life Just caring bout somebody else


::::::


"I believe there is a place where the restless souls wander. Burdened by the weight of their own sadness, they cannot enter heaven.... And so they wait, trapped between our world and the next, endlessly searching for a way to rid themselves of their pain- in the hope that somehow, someday they will be reunited with the ones they love. If two people really love each other, nothing can keep them apart."


::::::

"I don't understand a God who would allow us to meet and not let us be together."


::::::

Love is bitter, yet it is the bread that keeps us.
Over and over it fills us up, only to starve us.


::::::

I fight the misery that entangles my soul
Struggling to render it innocuous


::::::

This pain lingers in my heart, mind and soul
Damn it - why is this world so cold

what are you supposed to do when your feelings are unrequited? you move on. you don't want to stop talking or calling or caring, but you have to. it's all you can do to hold it together. each time you touch -- physically or emotionally -- it just hurts.

but what happens when you miss the person, anyway? you feel weak and defeated, but the only strength you ever had came from the very person who turned you away. all your hope, you spilled into this person, this relationship, this future, and now you must take it back. which is hard because you, like, would rather not deal with it at all.

it was my first time to spend my birthday outside the Philippines (even if it was just HK). it felt wonderful. and i had the best travel companions too. :)

i can't put into words how happy i was (or still am)...so am gonna stop typing now. hehe...


basta we had a blast.

christmas party of the year


Macromedia Christmas Party
Atchie's Bar, Orient Square
13 December 2003


i would've called it party of the year, but with macromedia, every party is always a success! we work hard, we party hard!

here are some pictures:




twin and jarjar



goofing around



socials committee girls



happy party people



vodka cruiser blueberry lips



chow time



yosi time

and my week just had to start this way...


what's equally painful as getting dumped?

it's getting accepted for the position that you've almost been dreaming of; assuring you that your transfer to their department won't be a problem; discussing with you your job responsibilities; giving you remarkable feedback from the whole committee; receiving a confirmation from the HR person that will arrange your transfer. only to find out in the end that....they can't afford your services. darn.

is this the downside of being a part of the highly respected and most elite account in our company? your transfer to another account or department would mean risking your decent salary.

i'm almost tempted to say that..."it's ok, i don't mind if you pay me less than what i'm earning now. i just want to do what i love. i want to be able put my teaching/training skills to good use". but no, i'm not that stupid. in this age, no matter how much we deny it, money is a big factor to consider in our lives. it's not that i'm being materialistic, i'm just being practical. and i know that i should get paid what i work for. monetary isssues will forever be a part of us.

and i thought i'd have a verrry exciting and challenging year ahead of me. hah! i thought wrong.

i am hoping that something good will happen to me before this year ends -- just to make up for this frustration. God, if this is your plan...i'd accept it. if there is indeed a reason for everything, help me see it.

the convenience of text messaging


there are some things easier said thru texting than talking face to face.

i don't feel like writing the story behind the text correspondence below. i just want to post it at my blog...i know that after i delete these messages from my phone, somehow i'd like to recall what we "discussed". so im saving it here. these messages are enough for me to recollect what happened on that day -- 11 december 2003.


kenzo: it's obvious dat u dnt wnt me 2 knw wat d problem s. it felt stupid to b n d car. sna wla nlang ako pra nkapagusap kyo ni G. wanted to get out of the d car bt ddnt want 2 be rude.

me: eh kse po...nagseselos ako kanina kay J.P.

kenzo: nde kme aileen. J.P. knws dat i cnt commit kse masyadong magulo buhay ko. kla ko b may bf k n? i did not cmit 2 J.P. bcoz magulo nga. i did nt want u 2 be reeled in2 my stupidly confusing lyf. i do love & respect u too much 2 b stupid & include u in it. Nbody s included n my lyf aileen. m too fucking stupid & scared. dats y m alone. bt dat's nt enuf reason 4 me 2 wnt smone.

me: everybody's lyf s cmplicated. f u tke 4 grantd my feelings, it hurts me a lot. and i get jealous a lot about dem having u & ur cmpany. i hpe u undersnd my point. i nver wantd ds, bt nw m into ds. cn u help me out n establishing wer i stand?

kenzo: God i wish i ws my old self...d reason y m nt being serious with anything s bcoz i fail. i always do. i love u aileen bt i cant b der 4 anybody. i jst dnt want 2 hurt anyone anymore. f u only knw my life. m hurting nw dat i got u into ds. anothr reason 4 me 2 hate myself.



my last boyfriend broke up with me through text. that was 2 years ago. this time, another guy broke my heart through text. sometimes i wanna curse the wonders of technology...it doesn't really bring wonders to me.

i can bet that the next guy who's gonna break my heart would cowardly express it through -- you guessed it -- TEXT!

wow. how personal. how brave.

eh kung wag na kaya ko mag cellphone?!?!?!?!? linket na!

this is me...talking to you...yes you...



i tried my best to get over you
kept my distance so i wouldn't have to show
that the things which i kept hidden by my casual smile
were the things that i needed you to know
you could have seen the acting on the stage
you might have read the writing on the page
you could have noticed that a heart went breaking into two
but you never knew it was i falling for you

sometimes i still think i could get to you
then i laugh and think i could swim the seven seas
it seems when i'm set to fly there's a storm up in the sky
when i'm set to sail there isn't any breeze
you could have seen the acting on the stage
you might have read the writing on the page
you could have noticed that a heart went breaking into two
but you never knew it was i falling for you

it's been some time now that i saw you in a photograph
looking just the way you did so long ago
i could almost see you throw your head back and start to laugh
in that gentle way that used to let me know
things were okay and a hurting song is just a cliche
and what's the use if they only always fade away
just like the sun just like everyone but you


the untitled song
indigo girls

let's make a deal


You forgive me for liking you too much,
And I'll forgive you for not liking me enough.

You forgive me for missing you so,
And I'll forgive you for being so cold.

You forgive me for the loud racing of my heart,
And I'll forgive you for not hearing it.

You forgive me for playing your games,
And I'll forgive you for toying with my emotions.

You forgive me for finding you so attractive,
And I'll forgive you for not noticing.

You forgive me for raising you up so high,
And I'll forgive you for bringing me down so low.

You forgive me for wanting to be with you,
And I'll forgive you for avoiding me.

You forgive me for being so pathetic,
And I'll forgive you for taking advantage of it.

You forgive me for not being able to let go,
And I'll forgive you for never having latched on.

You forgive me for having hopes and dreams,
And I'll forgive you for crushing them.

Forgiveness brings inner peace.
Do we have a deal?



Author's note: i made this poem for a dear friend of mine...who is terribly heart broken right now... i wish i could do more to help him heal. and i wish his partner could read this poem. i am as hurt as he is.

after a while


after a while you learn the faint difference between holding a hand and yielding a soul

and you learn that kisses aren't agreements and presents are not promises

and you learn that love doesn't mean propensity and company doesn't mean security

and you begin to accept your defeats with dignity, with the refinement of an adult, not the angst of an immature

and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

and you learn that you really can endure...


that you really are strong,

and you really do have worth.

i just wish...


sometimes...
i wish my mind weren't as deep and my heart weren't as huge. i wish my eyes were not as wide and my dreams were not as wonderful

sometimes...
i wish my thoughts weren't as vivid and my emotions weren't as strong. i wish my intentions were not as profound and my instincts were not as accurate

sometimes...
i wish my concern were not as genuine and my principles were not as significant

sometimes i wish reality can be truly escaped even for just a moment

sometimes i just wish i didn't fall in love with the world so easily

Mr. Right Kind of Wrong...


i can get disillusioned about this...i always meet the wrong boy at the right time. or i always meet the right boy at the wrong time. why won't the two right factors just come together?

i would have admirers (most of whom are the "wrong ones") who would try to please me...and they would somehow make me happy, albeit temporarily. and more often than not, that amusing feeling i get is only superficial.

and so the cycle goes on....and on...and on...

and by the time i meet him (whom we'd like to call the "right one"), he already knows so much about the world and love and life, and he's found "the one" with whom he decides to spend his waking hours.

and i am just this girl. this clever, passionate, loving girl who deserves more. far more than he can offer me.

no...don't tell me that "there is someone out there for you". whoever said that line probably referred "out there" as some place far...very faaaaaaaar...like the outer space.

aaaahh...this is just me being melodramatic.

what's more, they always say it like everyone knows what it is, like it's this object i can grab hold of anytime i pleased.



p.s.
yes, i'm still happy...very much happy today as yesterday...but i just had this moment to reflect on this subject.

pano si jarjar pag masaya...


when i said that "i write better when i'm melancholic", i meant it. really.

see? can you tell that i'm happy these days? yes. at least, for the last two days or so i have been. i am pleased with how this week is turning out to be. God has a way of making you bounce back. last weekend, to my -- and my friends' --frustration, not all of us made it to Alaminos. some old (old as in LOLO!) weirdo stole my dearest friend's overnight bag at the bus station. so there! only 3 (from the original 6) made it to the trip. the other half of the group decided to stay in manila. the latter group still had an equally great time. girl bonding! :)

i'm crossing my fingers...i really hope to get the position i applied for. humility aside, i know i did well in the interview and demo. if i get accepted, i'd be able to put my "explaining" skills to good use. right guys? hehe...


excited na ko sa party ni twin at lon this saturday! woohoo!!!

hmmm...

December na!!!! Yipee!


it's the month of Christmas...and it's also my birth month!

woohoo!!!! =D


i think the usual phase of having the "birthday blues" came early for me this year -- and it only happened for a very brief moment, sometime last week. and i'm surprised with myself that i'm ACTUALLY looking forward to celebrating both my birthday and Christmas. just seeing the bright lights in the streets already gives me that giddy holiday feeling.


grabe...i can't remember the last time that i had this kind of outlook about these 2 significant occasions. i guess it has something to do with the conscious effort on my part to exude the right attitude. i'm giving this season a different approach. happiness can really depend on our decisions..and not just the circumstances.


i just hope that everyone would share the same standpoint as i have right now. ang saya nung lahat kayo masaya sa Pasko dba. :)


wish you all a happy season of loving and sharing. *hugs*