Sunday, September 25, 2005

my life in a coma

i am ready for anything dangerous. but it turns out that that i'm just convincing myself that i am.

in truth i still feel that something about me is stranded on a high dive, hesitant to leap into unknown waters. unsafe waters. maybe i just want to postpone the plunge awhile. i almost wish that my senses were dulled.

i am stupefied all at once how the world is out there continuously evolving. and here i am, suspended....

...yet again.

i am caught in a disturbing crevice between living my life and not living it; between taking the risk and not taking it; between letting my defenses down and building my wall; between spilling out my secret and keeping it.

crucial decisions that i have to make on my own. ON. MY. OWN. and with no consultations taking place. even if every bone in my body tells me that i have to talk to someone for advice, i just couldn't do it. i don't know where or how to start. i prefer letting my tears fall without anyone seeing it happen. crying had become a very private moment in the comforts of my room or in the familiar feel in my car.

either i head straight forward or stumble backward. i only hope that i get to make a decision soon -- whatever that may be.


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