There goes my life..dangling on a string...
When I am unsure of the present, I dive into my memories. I just float there,
to where the water is warm and calm. Maybe that's the reason why I reminisce so
much -- because the past is tangible; I can see it and feel it, because it
already exists. The thing with the future is anything can happen. In some ways
that is refreshing and hopeful, but in other ways, it's almost paralyzing. It
is paralyzing because even the worst possibilities can arise.
Right now, I feel like I am hanging by a single strand of hope. I am holding on
so tightly, but my hands are starting to hurt and I am losing my grip. I keep
thinking maybe somebody will pull me up, soon. Any minute now, somebody will
approach the cliff and grab hold of me, and lift me, and my feet will be back
on the ground, ready to run.
It's not a desperate state that I'm in, not at all. That's why I feel kind of
funny even talking about it. Life is good. I can't complain, and if I do, I am
a blind fool, because clearly I am so lucky.
I know I've said this a million times, but I can't help but notice this
recurring feeling...that sometimes, I really don't feel like I'm headed
anywhere. And that is a foreign, frightening realization for someone who is
always on the go and keeps her life in a steadfast nature.
I usually read articles about people and their success stories. And I wonder
what mine will be. I wonder where I see my life headed in the long run. I just
stare into space dumbfoundedly, because I honestly don't know. Yes, I may have
plans in life, but there are things that I still fall short on to make these
plans materialize. Courage, determination, perseverance, inspiration, maybe all
of these.
I suppose it also depends on factors beyond my control, decisions that have yet
to be made, and a whole list of if x, then y equations.
Maybe I'm just becoming a worrywart. And maybe these ideas are simply
reflections of my fears. Whatever the case may be, I have to wait, and I will
continue living this spherical life. I will keep telling myself that it all
works out in the end; and hope that cliches are right.
