anesthetized


maybe it's true...

that time doesn't heal wounds...it just makes you get used to it.

but i was surprised at how soon it could make me get used to it. just this morning i broke down into tears...in front of my best friend. i admitted to her a weakness in me...something that she knew all along even without me saying it. this evening, i have confirmed something i've been wondering about for days now..something probably petty for some. but to me, it should have made me shed a tear or two.

i didn't. i didn't even feel that usual pang in my heart. i dont exaclty know why. i only think that maybe, i'm getting used to it...

...getting used to the melancholic side of my situation. simply put, i'm getting used to the pain.


now i dont know if that's a good or a bad thing.

embracing the moment


"the only permanent thing in this world is change".

true.

there's another important thing i keep learning: "tomorrow is never promised". you can never ever be certain of what's gonna happen. you can only imagine...hope...desire. i try to live each day one at a time. but there's this part of me wanting to get a glimpse of the next chapter, or at least a page of it.

one friend of mine who's very observative once told me that i am blessed to have the gift of thought of regarding the past, present and future. i envision the possibilities of events in the future while reasonably wallowing in the past, and yet never losing track of the present. he said that not many people can find time to think about all three. some may drown in the past, others may be paralyzed by the thought of tomorrow. still others, remain stuck to the super glue of the present.

right now, i choose to get stuck in the present. only because it makes me happy. at least i could say that "i am happy", even for just a day.

i am living in the moment. immensely. i savor each day because i know that i won't be able to embrace it forever. i've actually stopped believing in the meaning of forever for most things.

i temporarily want to stop acting on or making plans for the future -- only because this time, in this one aspect of my life, there is one single factor that i am in no control of. and it is also because of this that i am not able to do anything. i just take things as they come.

i am hanging on. and maybe this is a risk -- getting into something you know which is ambiguous. that's the irony of it -- you are certain that this matter is UNCERTAIN.

whatever tomorrow will bring, i will always be thankful of the events that happened TODAY.


This line from a movie aptly describes what i'm feeling now:

"When you crash into something beautiful, you hold on to it until it's time to let go..."

"...and now is not the time."

-- Under the Tuscan Sun

maybe the reason why you become so miserable at times is because you can't take life "as it is". you get so frustrated over the things that you have absolutely no control of. you worry so much even if you are fully aware that you've done everything you could to disentangle a knot in your life. if you honestly believe that you've exhausted all our resources and know for a fact that there could still be a flaw, why not just give up? accept whatever inevitable that will occur -- and reward youself with a good night's sleep.

it's the same thing as accepting the people you love for "what they are". you don't question why they're stubborn or absurd or impatient or moody. you just take them in your life and love them just the same. so do yourself a favor and stop questioning some of life's undeviating events -- no matter how horrible they may be.

you'll survive anyway...and so will the rest of the world.

now you can say "that's life!" -- and be convinced of that.

starved soul


it's not only that i'm getting sick of my job. there's something more. i really can't complain, everything about my job is manageable. but it has become so routinary. i am finding less and less reasons to get out of bed to get ready for work. i practically drag myself to go to the office.

i always knew that i would eventually take up further education -- an M.A. and probably a PhD too. i figured that i wouldn't apply until 2005 or so. but 2 weeks ago, i have decided -- almost abruptly -- to FINALLY start my M.A. Studies this June. and i am convinced that the reason for my hasty decision is my constant quest to challenge myself. if i can't find enough challenge inside the office, i have to find it elsewhere. i will lose my over all zest for life if i am generally bored.

i filed my resignation on that very same day that i decided to pursue my M.A. Studies. my parents thought it best that i stay away from graveyard shift work while studying. but when i think of the financial independence that i'm about to give up once i become a full time student...uh-oh..im having second thoughts. i am not the same young daughter who is waiting for her allowance. and i guess i have been given a sign (a clear answer is more like it) in this new decision -- my father said something that almost literally made me hear that "ting ting ting" in my ear. i don't want to burden my family in terms of money. i want to be of help. i don't want any unnecessary confrontations in the future.

my manager was nice enough to tell me that there'd be no problem if i change my mind about my leaving. i felt flattered -- but not entirely convinced to reconsider staying. i told her that i will decide until tomorrow. i'm giving this more thought especially after she told me today that Q.A. dept. was asking her if i was still interested in the position i applied for.

i know better. my thirst for knowledge could not be the answer to what's bothering me -- that nagging feeling that there's a certain void inside me that i don't know what could fill. i am a starved sould. i could do all things, get all things -- sometimes even more than i deserve -- and yet i'd still feel deprived. so deprived. and lonely.

Twin and i were discussing about this loss of interest and motivation in our work...and these feelings were what broke my "writer's block" (if i had any writer's character to begin with). she walked over to my desk, and when she got the chance to sit on my chair..she typed the following on this blog draft im working on:


I'm bored....
I'm tired..
I wanna resign
I wanna go to the beach..I wanna travel..
I wanna get laid...
I wanna be happy...

bow


hehe..now that made me smile...and it made me feel normal. im not alone.