i wish i could make myself fall out of love. right this moment.

but i can't. at least i can't hasten the process. i have to let it happen naturally.

naturally.

...just like the way i fell in love with you.



==

life is good. i shouldn't complain. i must remember that i have more than enough and i shouldn't be taking things for granted.


>><<

my last team building


i spent the weekend in batangas with my teammates for our team building. US holidays can do us good. it was another long weekend for us. :)

this team building is particulary special for me. it's the first team building for the year...and my very last team building with my account. :/




getting ready to leave for batangas



uberclyde was my "bus seatmate" in my very first team bldg 3 yrs ago. and now he's my seatmate again in my last team bldg. aaaww...



i'll miss you Orange. especially your pang aasar. :)



we're finally in batangas!



chow time



playing the "heads and tails" game. almost everyone got bruised and wounded in this game. but it was all worth it. ang saya2 :D



baby bottle beer drinking contest. and who did they choose as contestants? 3 girls who don't love beer. puro coffee drinkers ang sinali sa contest. haha!



life guard wannabe. guess who :P



heaven :)



heaven :)



heaven :)



heaven :) this beach trip was a good break for me. :) saraaaaaap!



==

a life being towed away


over and done with it.

i'm referring to the occasion that hallmark invented: V day. ;)

i ended up cancelling my friendly (naks) date due to a very disturbing situation: car engine trouble.

and it didn't end that day. the following morning, on my way home, the car was still behaving badly and it had to be towed.

waiting for the tow service and for my brother to pick me up took a long time. long enough for me to feel sorry for myself and my car. i found myself crying. and it wasn't just because i was my week wasn't starting off right.

that day, i was slowly losing the bond i had with a good friend. i could be wrong. or at least that person said i was wrong. but my gut feeling is stronger.

i have never felt so distressed. and watching my car being towed made me feel worse and made me think this way: "that's my life...and they're towing it away." pathetic.


fast forward to today: i'm doing better. power of prayer really helps. and there's something that's really making me smile. :D thank you. you know who you are ;)



==

eeewww...valentine's day na sa monday. eeew eeew eeew!

i am so preoccupied with work and school projects that the only time i am reminded of feb. 14 is when i peek into my planner -- which is like everyday. ugh! why did starbucks have to make it an important day. why?! why?! why?!

pano naman mga losers katulad ko? potah naman eh!

i was supposed to join a friend to boracay next week. but training schedules at work prevented us from taking any VL's.

capital L, lower case o-s-e-r!!! haaaaaaayyy!!!

so what's in store for me on feb. 14? application exams, interviews, and research papers!

if you greet me happy valentine's day on monday, galit na galit na tayo ha!

ipaalala ba? haha!



==

when the moment feels right


on the day that i submitted my resignation letter to my manager, i got a call from HR that same day. HR scheduled me for an interview for a position that God knows how much i want. it was for the same position i applied and got accepted to more than a year ago. salary issues got in the way and i never got to transfer. now i'm given the chance to reapply and i have to go through all the processes again -- and more. now there'll be 2 interviews, 2 exams and 1 demo. :| so help me god. *gulp*

if i get lucky, i may not be leaving the company for good...but i am definitely leaving my team/account. :(

i had a good talk with my manager about my resignation. i stated my reasons for leaving. and being the intuitive woman that she is, she told me flat out "i think there's something else you're not telling me". i broke into tears. i told her everything. and she concluded with this statement, "i understand. that's your weakness. and if that's what making you want to leave, then it's enough good reason for me to allow you to resign."

although the upper management has been telling us (especially me) that we should stay because of very obvious opportunities that will come our way this year, i still want to leave. i've been told that patience reaps rewards. but frankly, leaving the team at this time is something which feels so right. fine, so i don't have a new job as a fall back. but we take risks every now and then, right? and this is one of the risks i'm taking.


wish me luck and pray for me. i need all the help i can get. :)



==

note to thy self: give everything. expect nothing.

and i mean nothing.


that's one way to avoid getting hurt.

kababawan lang...


a recent phone conversation with HC.


HC: so was there anything special that happened? anything!?!??! (desperately seeking for an answer)

me: erm....nope. nothing.

HC: ok.

after 5 mins of chit chat -- on a totally different topic, he blurts:
HC: so you don't remember that we kissed?

me: whaaaaaattt????

HC: yeah. we did.

me: oh. (totally embarrassed) really...

HC: yup.

me: uhm....(tangina wla akong masabi!!!)

HC: hehe..you couldn't remember, could you?

me: well no. but now that you've mentioned it. i wanna know...was it a smack kind of kiss...or....you know...(i can't believe i'm asking this question!!!)

HC: it wasn't just a smack. it was a long one.

me: ooh....(wow. looong one. translation: french kiss. but i can't believe that i couldn't remember it!) hmmm...can't really remember. it was a long time ago anyway.

HC: do you wanna relive that experience? (i could almost see him smiling)

me: haha! you're kidding.

HC: (suddenly went silent) am serious.

me: (totally caught off guard) aaah....uhm....(ang ms. explain natameme!)

HC: well...you don't have to answer the question.

me: hmm...i don't remember that incident...but there's one i remember.

HC: really? what's that?

me: one time you were giving me a beso as i was leaving our friend's place, and your lips landed on mine.

HC: uuy. kinilig ako dun ah.

me: hehe. but that was supposedly JUST a beso. so it was just a smack. saglit lang un.

HC: hmmm...you sound disappointed. do you wish it could have been longer?

me: *chuckles* and mumbles something

HC: was that a yes?

me: *smiles* (my gaaaawwwd!!!!)

HC: so that's a yes. i'll remember you said yes. so don't slap my face if i kiss you the next time we see each other. you're lucky we're just on the phone right now.

me: fiiiine. (not complaining here. hihi.)

at naalala ko kung bat kita naging crush nun. hehe.


and so we talked for 3 hours. we never talk less than 3 hours on the phone.
this guy just never bores me. and he has a kick ass sense of humor too. =) a total turn on for me. ;)


...mababaw. but our conversation absolutely gave me a wonderful glow. yihee!!!

if i could let you read one article, it would be this:

UNSENT

i especially like the last part.

"i would love to see a guy cry because of you. for a change."


i think i want that too. for a change.

*sigh*

i am suffering from upper respiratory tract infection. :(

i should have rested more. i decided to go back to work today.
i feel terrible.

after all that i've been through...

...how did i end up looking like the bad guy?

i was not the one who had a crappy behavior. i should have been a bitch to you.
i know i wouldn't regret it.

uh-oh..this can't be good


i don't know what i'm doing here.

earlier, while driving to work, i badly wanted to make a u-turn and go home. i am not physically and mentally fit to work today. not to mention the fact that i am soooooo not in the mood.

so why am i here? have i created a workaholic in me??!?!?

i hope not.

for someone who had a long weekend (yesterday was Martin Luther King Day and we had no work), i should feel well rested and eager to go back to work. i even spent enough leisure time with my friends -- saturday at greenhills, sunday at enchanted kingdom. weird, but most of the time, after resting during the weekend, i really miss work.

not this time.

i must be burnt out. again.

ugh.

once again


the curtains close
colors turn to black
i rest my gaze to the empty space
it's huge
enormous
intimidating


the room becomes bigger and scarier for just one person
as the voices echo and leave a nasty mark, so do the dismals in my life

i yearn for what is pleasing
for what is right
but the question remains
for who?

i seek for comfort
for pure joy
i wait until someone shares

but then i remember
i am all alone

once again



- graveyard zombie
01/12/05

"sometimes you just have to follow your gut feeling."

"key word: SOMETIMES."


-- lines from Ed tv show



>><<


first sunday of the year and my dad just had to make me feel like a bad daughter.
again.

instead of sulking in my room, i immediately prepared myself to go somewhere. i found myself driving to Ortigas.

this is one of the rare moments when i want to stay in the office.

sarap. tahimik. very peaceful. :)

2004 has been one of the best years in my life so far. yes, there are many events that i would want to happen again. *big smile*

thank you for being a part of my 2004 history. :)



cheers!


"Life is made of moments."

what made me smile today: Nocturnal and Nice :)


visit their home page too!


hehe...kakaaliw. :D

bull's eye


there could be another reason why i am unhappy, unsettled, and unfulfilled at times.

i may be pursuing the wrong dream. wrong goal. yeah, even the wrong person.
everything is just not right for me.

but how can you actually be wrong with your desires? aren't they supposed to bring you joy?

so what the hell is wrong???

is there a way to tell that you are aiming (or not aiming) for the right one?

if i don't stop typing now, i'm gonna end up with 20 questions about life. and what's the point? these questions don't get answered anyway.

i'll just give it my best shot.

i always seem to send you the wrong message. and when i do try to explain my side, my words fall on deaf ears.

ugh. i have a million things to say to you. if only i could be completely honest with you. but i guess that'll be insignicant.

i'm not sure you'll listen anyway....

10 pictures from my birthday party

i actually wanted to post all pics, but these 10 will do. :)























sorry, i'm not in the mood to add captions right now.

the birthday girl's poem


i wrote the poem below when i was sending out invitations to my birthday party -- which was well attended by the way. i was surprised that a lot of people still made it last saturday. :) we all had a blast :D

thanks guys. i'm still smiling until now. ;) *hugs*

anyway, writing this poem was sort of a spur of the moment. i was simply typing the details about my party, and i wanted to add a line in the end -- some sort of a quotation. but i ended up writing a poem.





-lull-


a serene smile
complements
her sad pair of eyes

loud voice
conceals
her real fears

toughness in aura
makes up for
her weaknesses

the sound of laughter
fends
for her misery

slowly she walks away
far from the the big picture

self defining moments
all start flooding back
of the 12 months past

consuming
reminiscing

as she celebrates her natal day


- graveyard zombie
12/5/2004