stained angel


you think the worst part is over? making a decision is just the first step.
what's more difficult is sticking to it.

i feel like i'm torturing myself just because i'm trying too damn hard to do what's right. how come doing the wrong thing is always easier?

why can't i just be evil and get away with it?




==

he will be missed




Pope John Paul II
1920-2005



the Pope i've known all my life -- he was elected Pope months before i was born.
perhaps any Catholic was moved by his death. in an odd way, i think my faith even became stronger after the incident.

reminiscent of the World Youth Day in Manila, i only saw the Pope the size of my pinkie finger for i was stationed miles away from the stage. even then, i still felt a sense of holiness when i saw him. he really did have a different charisma -- a holy one, if there's such a thing.


quoting Jonathon Luxmore (a Catholic commentator for Poland):
"One thing is for certain, he is going to be a terrifically hard act to follow."


he will continue to live in our hearts.




==

the countdown begins


i'm still not talking to my dad. i'd love to give him the cold treatment, but i simply don't have the chance. i don't get to see him. thanks to my work schedule, i get home when he's already gone. all these years of working in a call center, acquiring a nocturnal lifestyle has practically made me just a boarder in my own house.

if there's one good thing that this resignation will bring, it would be to have a normal life. yes, even if it means getting a lower salary for a day job and being stuck in traffic during the hellish rush hours...I D-O-N-T M-I-N-D. or maybe i do. but at this point, i'd give anything to get my old life back. i don't even care if i get sun damaged skin! i will embrace the very idea of facing the world -- DURING THE DAY. :)


i am relishing my last few days here at work. sometimes i find myself lonely, because the idea of leaving my friends behind is starting to sink in. :( soon, i will be dying to hear updates from them because i'd be missing out on a lot of things. syeeeeeeeeeeeettttttt!!!!! i'm about to cry....no no no!!!!


earlier today i treated a couple of friends for a few drinks after shift. it was spur of the moment (kaya wag magtatampo yung wala :P) and i really had a great time. nothing beats the combination of fried food, beer and wacky conversations with friends. i may have missed out on my own despedida party last saturday (thanks to my dad!), but the drinking session today more than made up for it. thank you guys. :) love you! mmwah!




==

rage


right now i can only think of one thing. even without trying, i keep remembering what you said yesterday. your words keep on echoing.

when someone hurts me terribly, i tend to dwell on it for a moment and it makes me forget all my other worries in life. but it has been more than just a moment.

i am still hurting.

being called useless and...ugh, "inutil" is downright degrading. see, i can't even think of an english word that would give justice and equal meaning to that term!

congratulations. you did a very good job of making my other problems seem nothing. they all just seem to shrink.

now i don't even see the point in doing my best anymore. it's not gonna change what you think of me. i will always be mediocre to you. despite my achievements, i am not a winner. in my heart i know that it's not true, but you make me think and feel otherwise.

fine. you were angry. and half the time, people don't mean the things they say when they are angry. but i know you too well. i know that you meant what you said -- every word!

i know i'm not the best daughter you could ever have and you could probably say na hindi ako mabait na anak.

...pero mabuti akong anak.




==

life is not all about what you make it.
for most part, it's actually how you take it.


C O P I N G is the key.




>><<

my online HR profile says:


employee name: jarjar
VL application: march 25, 2004
reason for application: awarded VL =)


miracles do happen. especially during lenten season.

i literally jumped for joy when i was told that i could take a VL on friday. finally!!!!!!! this is gonna be my first (and last) VL for the year at this company.


now i only have to decide where to go this weekend -- correction, LOOONG WEEKEND. :D

i can smell the beach... ;)



==

my new crush :D





she's the newest image model for bayo. but i can't find her name anywhere. :(




==

how do you spell your name?

this is soooooo true:


Do something right, no one remembers.
Do something wrong, no one forgets.


it's a harsh world out there. :|




==

semester is finally over. this sem has proven to be more difficult that the last one. more units, more requirements. and i feel more tired and sleepy most of time. one professor asked me if i am getting any sleep, or that if i actually have parents who are taking care of me.

huh?

am i that harassed looking that i'm beginning to look like an abandoned daughter?

kawawa naman yata ako. :/

but i am grateful that my professor recognizes the efforts i put into his class. he really admires me and MasterLee for our determination in earning our masters degree despite our very stressful jobs. i think it's important that your professors know that you really value your education. that's a plus factor. as a teacher, i should know. ;)


>><<


it's official.

i finalized the effectivity date of my resignation. april 30. but i will be on terminal leave by april 16.

i resubmitted my resignation letter with the final date. this time, my manager signed it. no more extensions. no more negotiations. i really couldn't settle anymore, because it turns out that there's something i have to do after i resign.

too bad, i was looking forward to becoming a bum for a while. :P i wanted it sooo bad. ever since i graduated from college, i've been working and working and working. no long vacation. no sufficient amount of rest.

i will be venturing into something new. will blog about it next time. :)


>><<

my sister dearest turned 10 yesterday.

i can't believe she's 10 already!

when she was still an infant, i loved babysitting for her. one time, i noticed that her fingernails were growing, so i cut them. i told my mom what i did and felt that i did a good job. "oh yeah, i cut her fingernails. don't worry, i was very gentle. she didn't get hurt or anything." my mom freaked out. "yeah, you were gentle...but you threw away the cut nails? that was her very first time to have her fingernails cut. you should have kept them." :/ some superstitious belief that my mom believed in. aba malay ko ba :P but i guess that's all it was -- a superstition.

now justine's proving to be smarter and more mataray than her ate. hehe.

i swear, if anyone hurts you, especially boys, lagot sila saken!

i love you kuleleng! mwah!






==

i'm hoping that someday, somehow, i'll find it in my heart to forgive you.

there's just one problem...it's very difficult for me to forgive...and forget. the thought of what you did just pops into my head everytime i see you. and it makes me feel sick.

i've heard you say sorry, and i know you mean it. but God knows that you gotta do better than that.



==

caught off guard


nothing ever prepares you for rotten situations in your life.

no matter how strong or courageous you are -- or even if you've long expected it -- when it finally happens, IT JUST HITS YOU. point blank.

and you are left staring at the big picture. dumbfounded.

BUT...i am not talking about me. although it may have happened to me at some point.


this is about a friend.

kenzo is caught in a very tight spot. he was initially worried about telling me his problem for fear that i may be greatly affected. and for someone like me who is routinely depressed (yes, it's almost like a routine), hearing stories of misery may be hazardous to my emotional state.

and so his story was told. was i affected? yes. but that's because i empathized with him. and learning about someone else's misery keeps you somehow...hmmm...normal? it reminds you that you are not the only person on this planet carrying a big cross. when someone unloads his problems to you -- weird as it may sound -- it makes you feel better. it makes your own problems seem small. and that is a very very good distraction for you.

and that's exactly what happened to me.


p.s.
i pray that kenzo will be guided.



==

uncoming


it's getting ugly. i am finding more reasons to leave this job.

despite the big opportunity that has been presented to me, i am still not convinced to stay. i know i am a fool to pass this up, but i really cant commit to something if my heart's not into it. yes, the opportunity may be a big thing, but this big thing has been outweighed by the small ones that have really made me start to loathe what i do here everyday. i am every inch tempted to go on AWOL. but i still respect 'the policies". these are the exact same policies that sometimes make my blood pressure rise!

a friend asked me why i don't want to push myself further anymore, why i've stopped challenging myself. and all i could say was, "i'm losing faith in the management". i almost feel sorry saying it. i love this team but some things aren't just working out for the best. whatever happened to looking after everyone's (or at least the majority's) interest?

the zest i used to have at work was probably diverted to school. that's why even if i don't get any sleep, i still attend my classes. sure, the requirements are stressful, but i find a sense of fulfillment and sense of self when i'm in school. and it's like i am thirsty for a change of environment.

it's not a great day at work today. but i still find myself sharing a few laughs with my friends here. i'm even in the mood to take a couple of pictures. hehe. Uberclyde and i were wearing identical shirts....and we had our picture taken behind the red post. christmas colors. just for kicks. :)






==

happy birthday kooka.

you are a wonderful person. more than you can ever imagine. i wish you could see that in you.

start believing in yourself. it's about time.

your crown has already been made. wear it with pride.

love you!



==

i wish i could make myself fall out of love. right this moment.

but i can't. at least i can't hasten the process. i have to let it happen naturally.

naturally.

...just like the way i fell in love with you.



==

life is good. i shouldn't complain. i must remember that i have more than enough and i shouldn't be taking things for granted.


>><<

my last team building


i spent the weekend in batangas with my teammates for our team building. US holidays can do us good. it was another long weekend for us. :)

this team building is particulary special for me. it's the first team building for the year...and my very last team building with my account. :/




getting ready to leave for batangas



uberclyde was my "bus seatmate" in my very first team bldg 3 yrs ago. and now he's my seatmate again in my last team bldg. aaaww...



i'll miss you Orange. especially your pang aasar. :)



we're finally in batangas!



chow time



playing the "heads and tails" game. almost everyone got bruised and wounded in this game. but it was all worth it. ang saya2 :D



baby bottle beer drinking contest. and who did they choose as contestants? 3 girls who don't love beer. puro coffee drinkers ang sinali sa contest. haha!



life guard wannabe. guess who :P



heaven :)



heaven :)



heaven :)



heaven :) this beach trip was a good break for me. :) saraaaaaap!



==

a life being towed away


over and done with it.

i'm referring to the occasion that hallmark invented: V day. ;)

i ended up cancelling my friendly (naks) date due to a very disturbing situation: car engine trouble.

and it didn't end that day. the following morning, on my way home, the car was still behaving badly and it had to be towed.

waiting for the tow service and for my brother to pick me up took a long time. long enough for me to feel sorry for myself and my car. i found myself crying. and it wasn't just because i was my week wasn't starting off right.

that day, i was slowly losing the bond i had with a good friend. i could be wrong. or at least that person said i was wrong. but my gut feeling is stronger.

i have never felt so distressed. and watching my car being towed made me feel worse and made me think this way: "that's my life...and they're towing it away." pathetic.


fast forward to today: i'm doing better. power of prayer really helps. and there's something that's really making me smile. :D thank you. you know who you are ;)



==

eeewww...valentine's day na sa monday. eeew eeew eeew!

i am so preoccupied with work and school projects that the only time i am reminded of feb. 14 is when i peek into my planner -- which is like everyday. ugh! why did starbucks have to make it an important day. why?! why?! why?!

pano naman mga losers katulad ko? potah naman eh!

i was supposed to join a friend to boracay next week. but training schedules at work prevented us from taking any VL's.

capital L, lower case o-s-e-r!!! haaaaaaayyy!!!

so what's in store for me on feb. 14? application exams, interviews, and research papers!

if you greet me happy valentine's day on monday, galit na galit na tayo ha!

ipaalala ba? haha!



==

when the moment feels right


on the day that i submitted my resignation letter to my manager, i got a call from HR that same day. HR scheduled me for an interview for a position that God knows how much i want. it was for the same position i applied and got accepted to more than a year ago. salary issues got in the way and i never got to transfer. now i'm given the chance to reapply and i have to go through all the processes again -- and more. now there'll be 2 interviews, 2 exams and 1 demo. :| so help me god. *gulp*

if i get lucky, i may not be leaving the company for good...but i am definitely leaving my team/account. :(

i had a good talk with my manager about my resignation. i stated my reasons for leaving. and being the intuitive woman that she is, she told me flat out "i think there's something else you're not telling me". i broke into tears. i told her everything. and she concluded with this statement, "i understand. that's your weakness. and if that's what making you want to leave, then it's enough good reason for me to allow you to resign."

although the upper management has been telling us (especially me) that we should stay because of very obvious opportunities that will come our way this year, i still want to leave. i've been told that patience reaps rewards. but frankly, leaving the team at this time is something which feels so right. fine, so i don't have a new job as a fall back. but we take risks every now and then, right? and this is one of the risks i'm taking.


wish me luck and pray for me. i need all the help i can get. :)



==

note to thy self: give everything. expect nothing.

and i mean nothing.


that's one way to avoid getting hurt.

kababawan lang...


a recent phone conversation with HC.


HC: so was there anything special that happened? anything!?!??! (desperately seeking for an answer)

me: erm....nope. nothing.

HC: ok.

after 5 mins of chit chat -- on a totally different topic, he blurts:
HC: so you don't remember that we kissed?

me: whaaaaaattt????

HC: yeah. we did.

me: oh. (totally embarrassed) really...

HC: yup.

me: uhm....(tangina wla akong masabi!!!)

HC: hehe..you couldn't remember, could you?

me: well no. but now that you've mentioned it. i wanna know...was it a smack kind of kiss...or....you know...(i can't believe i'm asking this question!!!)

HC: it wasn't just a smack. it was a long one.

me: ooh....(wow. looong one. translation: french kiss. but i can't believe that i couldn't remember it!) hmmm...can't really remember. it was a long time ago anyway.

HC: do you wanna relive that experience? (i could almost see him smiling)

me: haha! you're kidding.

HC: (suddenly went silent) am serious.

me: (totally caught off guard) aaah....uhm....(ang ms. explain natameme!)

HC: well...you don't have to answer the question.

me: hmm...i don't remember that incident...but there's one i remember.

HC: really? what's that?

me: one time you were giving me a beso as i was leaving our friend's place, and your lips landed on mine.

HC: uuy. kinilig ako dun ah.

me: hehe. but that was supposedly JUST a beso. so it was just a smack. saglit lang un.

HC: hmmm...you sound disappointed. do you wish it could have been longer?

me: *chuckles* and mumbles something

HC: was that a yes?

me: *smiles* (my gaaaawwwd!!!!)

HC: so that's a yes. i'll remember you said yes. so don't slap my face if i kiss you the next time we see each other. you're lucky we're just on the phone right now.

me: fiiiine. (not complaining here. hihi.)

at naalala ko kung bat kita naging crush nun. hehe.


and so we talked for 3 hours. we never talk less than 3 hours on the phone.
this guy just never bores me. and he has a kick ass sense of humor too. =) a total turn on for me. ;)


...mababaw. but our conversation absolutely gave me a wonderful glow. yihee!!!