I really dont know what to write I am moved to all kinds of feelings and thoughts. I see a very special spirit inside you and someone who is on her way to having a wonderful full life as soon as she learns to not worry and enjoy. We are promised nothing but always receiving so much more than we ever thought. Life is a very long road you must find out first if you will let God make a way for you or you make your own way. I can tell you which is easier, but you already know. Do not worry he knows we are all imperfect. That's the greatest thing, that we are loved and can give that love so easily.


...such deep insights, coming from someone i don't even know. he just happened to stumble upon my profile and sent me the message above.

if i become blind at times, God has a way of letting me realize the beauty of life through someone else's eyes.

yes, i am wonderful and life is an amazing gift. why did i need a stranger to remind me of that?

pondering on his statements, i am once again awakened that we get so much more than ever thought...or sometimes, more than we actually deserve. and little by little, i am learning not to worry too much and am taking time to appreciate life's simple pleasures.

QUEUE!!!!


i thought i'd only hear this word at work. perhaps it's the most commonly used word at call centers. =)

but when i got to UP last wednesday, i wanted to scream "queue!!!" with all my might.

i forgot how bad enrollment season can be. especially in UP.

i've been queueing at UP since wednesday, and later after shift, is gonna be the most dreaded day. it's the last day for registration/enlistment/assessment etc. etc.!

i'm frustrated and harassed, to say the least. i think the only time i smiled during this whole application process was when i got hold of the letter of admission. i think i missed the fine print that says "this is your only moment to smile. you're about to lose your patience and strength once you start with the registration.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz".

goddess morwen and i have been trying to get in touch with the graduate studies office -- inquiring about registration schedules, enrollment, etc. etc. we always get the same answer "try calling again after this date..so and so. we don't have the information yet". what good is an information office if you don't have any information? duh! i've been to two beach outings already (and 2 shades darker =P) and we still haven't heard from them.

thursday was no better. i arrived early in UP...only to get this number -- 191!!! huwaaaattttt?!?!??!?!?! just when i thought that it could get worse...it did get worse...."wla pong guarantee na matatawag kayo today". eh malamang lamang noh...eh ang number kong 191 eh sa 2nd batch pa. may 1st batch pang 300. *faints* "pwede na kayong kumuha ng number for tomorrow". i expected a good number...line of 2 or 3. they gave a small piece of cut folder with the number 97. haaaaay. wla nakong magagawa.

i really wouldn't care falling in line today as long as i get everything done. and i'm so lucky to have my VL approved for tonight -- on short notice. this enrollment actually calls for an emergency leave.

in the meantime, i posted more pictures from la union. nature pictures help me relax..i stare at these sunset/beach pictures whenever i'm stressed out...



outdoor lunch



jarjar and the sunday movie group (that sounds like a band's name..hehe)



kame ulet =)



aaaaaahhhh!!!



drinking session



nice lizard shot huh



at white beach



sleepy on a sunday morning



look for my seahorse tattoo-turned-allergy-turned-bruise



blue waters at white beach



looks like a painting dba? =)



i think that i shall never see a poem lovely as a tree

calm waters and beautiful sunset


after several ocular inspections to different beach sites (courtesy of some soccomm peeps and friends), ping-pong communication with Dory, endless committee meetings and IM chats, constantly updating the attendance sheet, stretching my patience in understanding other people's stubbornness and uncooperative attitudes, venting my frustrations to the active committee members....the team building finally pushed through.

whew!

mind you, last friday's incident almost made me want to quit the whole thing. these people simply didn't act their age. it's bad enough that the committee members are not getting paid (or even getting any perks) for organizing such events, what's worse is when we have to put up with people who are very uncooperative, not to mention, ungrateful!

but the actual team building more than made up for my bad mood last friday. despite the looooong trip, we did have fun. i went for a swim on all 3 days of our stay -- which explains why i'm 2 shades darker now. the hell with people's comments. as Orange would say, "you went out and had fun. your color is your proof that you were at the beach, aside from the pictures". hmmm, well said. =)

i've always loved watching the sunrise/sunset. since i couldn't count on myself to wake up early that weekend, i relied on catching the sunset instead. and i did! 2 sunsets in a row! we took fabulous sunset pictures. i'm always in awe everytime i see these pictures. i can sense a new blog skin to take place any minute now. hehe.

i especially enjoyed our night swims. i dipped in the water with friends, but every time i back-floated, i felt that i was alone. blissfully alone. it was so relaxing. i relished the feeling of watching the moon shining on my face. i learned how to find my center...to shun all the voices around me...to dismiss my colleague's constant teasings about my twins, my sleeping habits during out of town trips, and my closeness to TM. sometimes their teasings can really get to my nerves, but i choose to counter it with a smile. a hurt smile. knowing the truth lies deep within me and none of them is the wiser. it's the most they could do so I let them be.

i wanted to breathe those moments in la union. i wanted to breathe everything in...and not ever breath out. more than anything, the vacation fed my soul. and i feel simply peaceful.



some pictures from the team building:



one of the lovely sunset pictures taken in la union



sunset pic with the peeps this time =)



after a night swim



team 4 -- bitter but beautiful (walang aangal!)



who's that girl? drunk or sleepy?



sunday breakfast



after a swim at white beach



at the plaza. tama bang upo yan ng babae?



there's no stopping us in taking pictures. kahit sa jeep magkkuha ng picture, kahit mahulog na yung nagkkuha!



another sunset pic with the Macromedia peeps



ima try to upload more pics next time! =)
ang lalaki ng pics pa ren..bwehehehe....

rear foot always seems heavier


yes bes, one of your lil speeches hit me...yet again.

one cannot completely move on unless he lifts both feet forward. moving on is never easy, and we usually find ourselves leaving the rear foot behind -- wanting to leave but holding back. *sigh*

why do we have to give up on certain things that make us absolutely happy? how do we make sense out of it? =( somehow, there is no point. so we make up for the lack of significance by convincing ourselves that there is a reason behind all this. soon, we've given up comprehending or the issue has long been over (whichever comes first) and yet we still haven't found that reason.

3 days to go!!! Boracay na!!! woohoo!!!

Nemo is joining us! :) yipee!!!

~~oo~~

I realized that after all has been said and done, I really am still a head over heart kinda girl. When I put my mind to it, anything is impossible. Kenzo was right when he told me that I'm too special for that. I deserve better. Why do I need someone to remind me of that?

I had to get out before the damage gets worse.

Oh yeah...and I miss Kenzo. I consider him the sweetest guy friend I know. Sparks have long been gone between us, but he still makes me feel every inch special and loved.

*sigh*

i'm losing it...

and i'm not even gonna try to save it. i've been waiting for this moment. miracles do happen.

please don't stand in the way and ask me to stay.

i may not have the chance to experience this moment again. one day, you'll thank me for doing this. i'm sure you will.

i just looove this sunset picture in Boracay (Diniwid Beach). i feel calm every time i look at this pic.

thanks to my budding photo artist friend Benneth, i now have a new blog skin and desktop wallpaper. weeeeee!!!


note to my kindred:

i also love the sunset pics we took in Galera last month. but i'd rather use this one where our wacky faces are not included. hehe...

i can't wait for our Boracay trip this May! i'm hoping that i can finally take this mission off my list of "things to do before i die". well..i actually don't have such list, but stepping foot in Bora is something that i've been wanting to do for a long looong time now.

i know i haven't worked my butt off compared to the "organizers" of this trip...but i hope i can still do something to help. to Twin, Deej and Kirbs (a.k.a. April Boy), i wanna thank you guys from the bottom of my broken heart (Pachuch, peram ng linya) for making this trip possible. love you! mwah!

ey twin, get well soon!!!!!! hugs!

moments of reticence


if i could, i'd take each one of you to a quiet garden on an unclouded day and we'll talk. i have a very fervent sense of the things that I want to say -- and there's a lot of things that i want to say. but i'm finding it hard to talk lately. I feel mistrusftul and voiceless.

i probably -- no, i DON'T -- owe you anything; i am allowed to keep as much as i want to myself. but the truth is, i want to be loud and fearless as i've been. there are times that i am raring to share stories of my adventures and plans. but i don't know if you'd even care to hear them, so i never do. time will pass, and soon, everything will be so yesterday.

the unhypocritical stories, i know, are those filled with pain, honesty and beauty. stories that i'm dying to hear. stories that i would want to share. i just need the courage to tell them.

i am trying to find my voice again. i trust that wherever it is, i'll find my stength there as well.

moments of reticence can be good. i am in no rush. what the heck are we in a hurry for, anyway? i know that i will find an unfeigned person who will listen to me with eager ears.

in the meantime, i will relish the silence.

the space between who we want to be and who we are seems to shrink and expand depending on where we are in our lives. it's healthy if we just try to be patient through all of the journey.

Personality Analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Sun Apr 11 15:57:36 2004


Your Existing Situation

Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these
qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and
enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.
--> i generally seek for something new and exciting.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still
important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest.
As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that
will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of
being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly
enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her
nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at
peace when she has finally reached her goal.
--> i really have a great passion for life and i deem it significant that it must not be wasted.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and
difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to
achieve satisfaction from sexual activity. Circumstances are restrictive
and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time
being.
--> making sacrificies was never easy an easy task. but that's what i have to do in the situation i am right now...


Your Desired Objective

Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she
can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.
--> all of us want to feel that we belong.


Your Actual Problem

Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free
herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the
things she wants.
--> peace of mind. peaceful and stress free life. that's all i want.


~~~
The preceding results were generated last week. I tried taking the quiz again today. I just want to find out if anything has changed. Well, everything has, except for my "stress sources". And I really think that this quiz is almost 100% reliable. Below are the results when I took the quiz the 2nd time. My comments are again inline...
~~~


Personality Analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Mon Apr 19 05:16:13 2004.


Your Existing Situation

Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation.
Wants to feel exhilarated.
--> yup yup. i participate in things that stimulate me. even if it's work related. just like the recently concluded qbr! hehe.


Your Stress Sources

Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still
important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest.
As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that
will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of
being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly
enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her
nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at
peace when she has finally reached her goal.
--> i've always believed that i am a goal oriented being.


Your Restrained Characteristics

Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither
properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being
compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of
emotional involvement. Circumstances force her to compromise and to
forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical
satisfaction from sexual activity.
--> all of these statements just hit the spot, baby! CONFORM!!! which i absolutely abhor! i hate having to sacrifice my personal freedom.


Your Desired Objective

Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will
permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new
and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.
--> definitely true. i am at a point where i'm making a major decision that will affect me both adversely and favorably. is that stressful enough?


Your Actual Problem

The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants
leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of
illusory or meaningless activities.
--> simply put, don't mess with me. *wink*



"I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it."

i know that in the eyes of the majority, i am a pernicious person.

i am far from being an angel. i know. but someone who would play God and take matters into his own hands is even more unforgiving. i can probably criticize once in a while, but if i have to, i do it constructively and i do it only to the people who ask for it.

no, i am not like you. you, who treat people like trash and categorize them into "biodegradable", "non-biodegrable" and "recyclable". only, you have a more interesting classification...the "lovely, the sullen, and the selfish".

you have placed me in the last group. oh, and did you care to consider if your conclusion was indeed just and correct? as i've stated once, we should be judging people not by the standards we keep, but by the standards they themselves hold.

the root of misjudging is when we judge solely with our eyes, and not with our ears. could you have at least talked to me and listened to what i had to say, you would've probably gained a wiser and more mature insight to all this.

i used to hate people like me. people who are hated by the society because their actions are against the norms. but the tables have turned the moment i was put in their situation. being so gave me a deeper perspective on what they are going through.

i am hurting. badly. and there is absolutely not a thing or a person who can take away the pain. i would have to deal with it -- all by myself. i appreciate all the support i'm getting from the people who care -- who genuinely care -- about me; but the fact still remains...i am broken. and i'm not even gonna try to pick up the pieces and glue them together.

i feel like a prisoner who wasn't given a chance to defend himself in court. but, just like this prisoner, i am not about to give up.
i am not one to simply accept misapprehensions about me.

i am every inch a fighter.


"the battle's almost won...we're only 7 miles from the sun".

gotta fight gotta strike
'cause there's no turning away
from what you don't want to know
gotta see gotta be
if they're all going astray
don't let them take you in tow

you're a one-man shift in the weather
you're the woman who just won't sell
climbing up and ringing the bell

ooh you're gonna make your mark this time
ooh you're gonna set your hope on fire

gotta leave gotta bleed
you've gotta stop lying still
'cause this is no kind of life
you don't need guarantees
you just want something to build
before you turn to the knife

when the streets are aflood like a fever
it's a holiday of the new
we're coming closer now to the truth

gotta move gotta choose
you've got a difference to make
don't watch it happen again
gotta change rearrange
something's bending to break
it's just a matter of when



Hope on Fire
Vienna Teng

anesthetized


maybe it's true...

that time doesn't heal wounds...it just makes you get used to it.

but i was surprised at how soon it could make me get used to it. just this morning i broke down into tears...in front of my best friend. i admitted to her a weakness in me...something that she knew all along even without me saying it. this evening, i have confirmed something i've been wondering about for days now..something probably petty for some. but to me, it should have made me shed a tear or two.

i didn't. i didn't even feel that usual pang in my heart. i dont exaclty know why. i only think that maybe, i'm getting used to it...

...getting used to the melancholic side of my situation. simply put, i'm getting used to the pain.


now i dont know if that's a good or a bad thing.

embracing the moment


"the only permanent thing in this world is change".

true.

there's another important thing i keep learning: "tomorrow is never promised". you can never ever be certain of what's gonna happen. you can only imagine...hope...desire. i try to live each day one at a time. but there's this part of me wanting to get a glimpse of the next chapter, or at least a page of it.

one friend of mine who's very observative once told me that i am blessed to have the gift of thought of regarding the past, present and future. i envision the possibilities of events in the future while reasonably wallowing in the past, and yet never losing track of the present. he said that not many people can find time to think about all three. some may drown in the past, others may be paralyzed by the thought of tomorrow. still others, remain stuck to the super glue of the present.

right now, i choose to get stuck in the present. only because it makes me happy. at least i could say that "i am happy", even for just a day.

i am living in the moment. immensely. i savor each day because i know that i won't be able to embrace it forever. i've actually stopped believing in the meaning of forever for most things.

i temporarily want to stop acting on or making plans for the future -- only because this time, in this one aspect of my life, there is one single factor that i am in no control of. and it is also because of this that i am not able to do anything. i just take things as they come.

i am hanging on. and maybe this is a risk -- getting into something you know which is ambiguous. that's the irony of it -- you are certain that this matter is UNCERTAIN.

whatever tomorrow will bring, i will always be thankful of the events that happened TODAY.


This line from a movie aptly describes what i'm feeling now:

"When you crash into something beautiful, you hold on to it until it's time to let go..."

"...and now is not the time."

-- Under the Tuscan Sun

maybe the reason why you become so miserable at times is because you can't take life "as it is". you get so frustrated over the things that you have absolutely no control of. you worry so much even if you are fully aware that you've done everything you could to disentangle a knot in your life. if you honestly believe that you've exhausted all our resources and know for a fact that there could still be a flaw, why not just give up? accept whatever inevitable that will occur -- and reward youself with a good night's sleep.

it's the same thing as accepting the people you love for "what they are". you don't question why they're stubborn or absurd or impatient or moody. you just take them in your life and love them just the same. so do yourself a favor and stop questioning some of life's undeviating events -- no matter how horrible they may be.

you'll survive anyway...and so will the rest of the world.

now you can say "that's life!" -- and be convinced of that.

starved soul


it's not only that i'm getting sick of my job. there's something more. i really can't complain, everything about my job is manageable. but it has become so routinary. i am finding less and less reasons to get out of bed to get ready for work. i practically drag myself to go to the office.

i always knew that i would eventually take up further education -- an M.A. and probably a PhD too. i figured that i wouldn't apply until 2005 or so. but 2 weeks ago, i have decided -- almost abruptly -- to FINALLY start my M.A. Studies this June. and i am convinced that the reason for my hasty decision is my constant quest to challenge myself. if i can't find enough challenge inside the office, i have to find it elsewhere. i will lose my over all zest for life if i am generally bored.

i filed my resignation on that very same day that i decided to pursue my M.A. Studies. my parents thought it best that i stay away from graveyard shift work while studying. but when i think of the financial independence that i'm about to give up once i become a full time student...uh-oh..im having second thoughts. i am not the same young daughter who is waiting for her allowance. and i guess i have been given a sign (a clear answer is more like it) in this new decision -- my father said something that almost literally made me hear that "ting ting ting" in my ear. i don't want to burden my family in terms of money. i want to be of help. i don't want any unnecessary confrontations in the future.

my manager was nice enough to tell me that there'd be no problem if i change my mind about my leaving. i felt flattered -- but not entirely convinced to reconsider staying. i told her that i will decide until tomorrow. i'm giving this more thought especially after she told me today that Q.A. dept. was asking her if i was still interested in the position i applied for.

i know better. my thirst for knowledge could not be the answer to what's bothering me -- that nagging feeling that there's a certain void inside me that i don't know what could fill. i am a starved sould. i could do all things, get all things -- sometimes even more than i deserve -- and yet i'd still feel deprived. so deprived. and lonely.

Twin and i were discussing about this loss of interest and motivation in our work...and these feelings were what broke my "writer's block" (if i had any writer's character to begin with). she walked over to my desk, and when she got the chance to sit on my chair..she typed the following on this blog draft im working on:


I'm bored....
I'm tired..
I wanna resign
I wanna go to the beach..I wanna travel..
I wanna get laid...
I wanna be happy...

bow


hehe..now that made me smile...and it made me feel normal. im not alone.

blunders


people are accustomed to making mistakes; to be at fault once in a while -- or for some -- every now and then in their lives. as a human, i am aware that i will always be imperfect and i will always make mistakes --- but i try not to make them twice. we all learn from every blunder. they become pointers in the journey we take.

we are often too keen on making judgments on people who commit mistakes without having to look on ourselves first. i learned from my friend that our general notion of judgment is based on a self-centered ideal. that shouldn’t be the case. each of us is unique. we should be judging people not by the standards we keep, but by the standards they themselves hold.

we will forever be hurting each other unless we learn to look not into ourselves but outwards to each other. to reach out before we throw. i realized that, it is not me who is constantly smiling and trying to make people smile. i understood perfectly that it is the humanity in me. and i am merely an extension of that humanity.

the shortest distance between hope and despair is a simple "thank you Lord!"

it's a shame that i only become more prayerful when i am most sad. hopeless. miserable.

i remember one of my grade school teachers telling us that when you have a toothache, it's God's way of reminding you that He loves you, that it's His way of making His presence felt. He knows that you'd call on Him when you are in pain. and that's what happened today. there are actually moments when i try to deal with my problems (or mere loneliness) by myself -- forgetting to talk to Him. i can't believe that it even happens.

today, i recalled how it felt to lift everything to Him. and i did just that. i've never been so relieved. not to mention happy. i even thought that i wasn't really lonely -- that i just lost touch with Him for a while. i was spiritually thirsty.

days would seem brighter if i keep in mind that i am doing everything through Him, with him and for Him.

thank you Lord. =)

is it too late to write about valentine's day?


i never thought i'd have quite profound thoughts on the occasion. for the past coupla years, i have dreaded V day. i haven't experienced spending this day with a boyfriend because there was only one February in my life that i had a bf. and at that time, i remember having a quarrel with him a few days before feb. 14. and when V day came, we were both not in the mood to celebrate.

this year, V day's eve was spent at the office. yep, i was on shift! but it was probably the best friday the 13th i have encountered. i've never witnessed a much celebrated V day at work. we had a valentine fair. the photo shoots alone were an amusing episode. i felt ashamed that i didn't participate that much in the preparations for this event. i am part of the socials committee and lately i haven't been socializing, so to speak. i haven't been cooperative. i want to blame the workload for this, but i should look into my attitude. =/ i'm gonna start being good again.

2 days before valentine, Twin and i were discussing how we miss the feeling of receiving flowers. guys will never understand how special it is for a girl to get a bouquet of flowers. even just a single stem is equally special. whether or not there is an occasion. a girl will also never appreciate flowers until she gets a bunch, or a stem.

i thought feb. 14 this year would be the same -- that it would end ordinarily after the usual whistlestop drinking session; that i'd go home with just the new CD (five for fighting) and the jason mraz concert tickets we bought. but things really do happen when you least expect them. i received red roses from this guy. it was special because: 1) it was off-tangent to his personality to give flowers, 2) we were not supposed to see each other that day, 3) he made an effort to make the giving a surprise, and 4) it was valentine's day after all.

so there...my valentine's day ended on a sweet note.


i was never a fan of V day. but i guess that's about to change now...

i realized that celebrating love is wonderful, no matter how corny it could be :)


here are some pics from the macromedia valentine fair:



rts team (everyone's favorite! best in costume na to!)



email team



cs gen team



the tl's



twin and i wasting some shots. hehe.



some of the committee peeps with majay



posing with pao and jouie

I'm still in no mood to write. So I'm just gonna post this...



1. I wish... I were happy right now

2. I don't know what to do if... hmmm...I have yet to be in a situation wherein God wouldn't help me what to do. I'm not being righteous, but I believe it's true.

3. Do you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend? name.... none (promise wala :P)

4. If u could change your name, to what would u change it to? Bianca Louise, Denise, Parish Noelle

5. I miss...the feeling of being pampered and extremely loved.

6. If you get stranded on an island and you could only
bring 5 people for company, who would it be? And why? my family. 5 na sila. no explanation necessary.

7. I love...life. even if it sucks sometimes

8. The person/s I would NEVER forget...Cy, RG, Weh

9. If I could do one thing all over again...nah, I woouln't change anything.

10. I'd rather... be happy than famous.

in a rut


every minute, i am finding more reasons to be all alone. i delight every moment of it. and never have i looked forward to coming home straight from work. today, i spent 11 hours in my bed sleeping. sarap!

i haven't heard so many bad news all at the same time. life can be cruel. and although i believe that there will be better days ahead, i can't help but feel glum..and this feeling will drag on for a while.

i feel unwanted, unappreciated, abandoned, unimportant.

life, especially my work, is becoming a routine. a boring, dry and unchallenging routine. i need a long paid vacation. i want to be extracted from the busy life of the city. even the most sociable person needs solitary time. i love my friends and i appreciate their company. but i just want to be by my myself, for now.

me, myself and i. that's all i've got.


i want to be invisible.