There goes my life..dangling on a string...



When I am unsure of the present, I dive into my memories. I just float there,
to where the water is warm and calm. Maybe that's the reason why I reminisce so
much -- because the past is tangible; I can see it and feel it, because it
already exists. The thing with the future is anything can happen. In some ways
that is refreshing and hopeful, but in other ways, it's almost paralyzing. It
is paralyzing because even the worst possibilities can arise.

Right now, I feel like I am hanging by a single strand of hope. I am holding on
so tightly, but my hands are starting to hurt and I am losing my grip. I keep
thinking maybe somebody will pull me up, soon. Any minute now, somebody will
approach the cliff and grab hold of me, and lift me, and my feet will be back
on the ground, ready to run.

It's not a desperate state that I'm in, not at all. That's why I feel kind of
funny even talking about it. Life is good. I can't complain, and if I do, I am
a blind fool, because clearly I am so lucky.

I know I've said this a million times, but I can't help but notice this
recurring feeling...that sometimes, I really don't feel like I'm headed
anywhere. And that is a foreign, frightening realization for someone who is
always on the go and keeps her life in a steadfast nature.

I usually read articles about people and their success stories. And I wonder
what mine will be. I wonder where I see my life headed in the long run. I just
stare into space dumbfoundedly, because I honestly don't know. Yes, I may have
plans in life, but there are things that I still fall short on to make these
plans materialize. Courage, determination, perseverance, inspiration, maybe all
of these.

I suppose it also depends on factors beyond my control, decisions that have yet
to be made, and a whole list of if x, then y equations.

Maybe I'm just becoming a worrywart. And maybe these ideas are simply
reflections of my fears. Whatever the case may be, I have to wait, and I will
continue living this spherical life. I will keep telling myself that it all
works out in the end; and hope that cliches are right.

In God's time

As I sit and watch the rolling sea
I wonder if true love between us can ever be
In my heart are feelings that I cannot explain
But the words that come to mind are so simple and plain
They are words like I love you, I need you, or It's just the thought of you

But when these words come to my mind I don't know what to do
I don't know if I should forget it or just give it time
I wish I could keep my heart from controlling my mind
I know someday my true feelings I will find
But only when It is right and in God's due time

an excerpt from Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook:


"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are
connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've
lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've
found each other. And maybe each time we've been forced apart for
the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for
the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.

When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and I know they have
grown stronger with every life you have lived. And I know I have
spent every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like
you, but YOU, for your soul and mine must always come together. And
then, for a reason neither of us understands, we've been forced to
say goodbye.

I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and I
promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet
again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again
in another life. We will find each other again, and maybe the stars
will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that
time, but for all the times we've had before."

BITCHDOM

I love this..twas written by someone from a mailing list which i am a member of. I can relate pare!
Read on...


When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call
me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, they
call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own
thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my
heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I
won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am
defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself
instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a
little selfish. It means I have the courage and
strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and
won't become anyone else's idea of what they think
I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and
determined. I want what I want and there is nothing
wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within
me. You won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch,
so be it.

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

i've been itching to post something sensible here...but due to time constraints, i can't do that right now...

maybe they should allow us to have an AUX BLOGGING option at work..hehe...

i'll have more time for this tonight.. I WILL MAKE TIME!!!

cya all!

love you friends!!! mmmwah!

--frazzled--


I'm still not having one of the best days of my life...I was late for my shift due to the freakin' bad weather! I left early for work but to no avail! I was more than 1 hour late! My cab fare reached as high as PHP225. Gosh!

I had a f**cked up day yesterday. Mainly due to stress caused by work, partly due to emotional imbalance. Oh, and let's not forget to mention the fact that I'm almost always sleep deprived.

I usually want to be around people when I'm down...but yesterday was one of the rare moments when I just wanted to shut everyone out. I found it strange that I didn't even want to be around the company of one of my favorite friends in the world. I felt guilty. I should have been there for her because she
needed more...her situation is more sensitive than mine.

So for the remaining hours of the day, I'll try to make myself feel better. I'll try to think of happy thoughts and actually let them sink in. I'll make it up to my friend..I owe her big time!

scattered...

I am scattered all over the place right now. I am carrying an armful of emotions, but they keep falling to the ground, and when i bend down to pick one up, another one falls. So here i am, taking slow steps, holding on tightly to the load. My arms are not strong enough for this.

People say i am strong, but i don't feel strong. I feel like the slightest gust of wind could blow me over. I could crumble into a million pieces and disappear with a breeze.

So many good things are happening. I am not ungrateful, but sometimes i wonder if i deserve it all. One of these days, i think, my luck is going to run out, and then what? I will find myself on some street corner with a handwritten sign asking for your kindness.


Hope and wonder and anxiety and contentment and fear. I don't even know what i'm feeling...

Wounded
-=aileen=-
02jan02

I sauntered down the alley, not knowing what I'd see
From all corners I can feel the shadow following me
Deafening voices repeatedly chanting my name
Sweet vindication proving to be the game
Their dark schemes trying to wreck the inner me
Wrangling with the ropes I fought to be free
Disdain with the essence of insanity
I repudiate the foulness of this unforgiven society
The mimicked voices beneath this hidden verse
Every word uttered forsaken and cursed
Synopsis of me I proclaim to you
Deeply reflecting the sense I really do
Cruel tenderness flare their soul
None of which I had the power to control
Sooner or later theirs is no life to defend
Tender with my wounds, I struggle to reach the end
Perplexity in all forms and meanings never leave my side
Faithful to thy self, there is a will blossoming behind
Wedging between the depths of everything it may seem
I have discovered the deliberate journey of life in extreme


**Author's note: I wrote this when I resigned from my previous job. Yeah, it was a loathe filled experience...

Nice, Naive and Beautiful...


What's behind the title of my blog...?

It was supposed to be a temporary title, just to get my blog started. But after hearing Plumb's song, it just grew on me. It is a somber ballad for the abused. Don't get me wrong, I'm not abused in any way, and you can say that I really cannot relate directly to the song. Be that as it may, the lyrics reminds me of the hard truth that we go through pain for no reason. We have the opportunity to take it and use it for our betterment.

Nice, naive and beautiful...wonderful combination if you ask me.

Hmmm....I know what you guys are saying now...."Si jarjar talga, nag explain na naman!" hehe. Fine. That's my trademark. It's part and parcel of who I am. *wink*


Here's the lyrics:


She's only known heartache and pain
But she's never known pain like this
She stands alone defending her name
When all that she's done is be who she is
Well is it so wrong to be who we are
When all she's done is fail

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why does she get taken advantage
Why does she live in a world so cold
She takes advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

Cold is the throne of her hardened heart
No one has seen the softest part
Day after night she holds an ache
And won't budge to show this secret place
Well is it so wrong to hang on to hurt
Maybe she could set it free

Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why did she get taken for granted
Why did she live in a world so cold
He took advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

Getting it done...


And we can talk about inspiration and making a difference and changing the world. We can talk about baby steps and helping hands, we can talk about group efforts and great strides, we can talk until we're blue in the face, but talk only gets you so far.

Inspiration is the easy part. It's the follow-through that's hard. I am finding this with myself and the things I do lately. I have so many ideas and plans, but I can't seem to focus. I want to do so much, but I end up doing nothing at all. I don't want to be remembered as the person who is so good at apologizing and postponing. I never wanted to be that kind of girl, with too much on her plate and not enough gumption to get it done.

I want to get things done.

And I have so many ideas and I have so many plans and I see others doing what I could do, what I want to do, and I wish there were more hours in the day and more money in my bank account and more understanding and naptime and free pizza and ice cream for employees who work on the freaking graveyard shift!!!! I could be wrong, but I really think that would help.